Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi all, i have been on this site for a long time now, n occassionally answered to some posts, but nvr posted my situaton coz in felt the prob is universal n tuk advise frm posts sent by others like MEL whom i really appreciate, n sudha n others too. I am writing my situation coz the things turned bad n am in a big dilemma. I am a very gud lukin, highly educated, loving n caring n down to earth gal. My parents hav taken gr8 pains to raise us n give professional qualification
1. I am married for abt 5 yrs now, working, earning gud n have a 3.5 yr old son. My ILs are too old fashioned n consider ladka wala are like god n ladki walas n gal shud worship them like anything n listen n do wat they want, I guess wen i got married they wanted me to be just the cook n cleaner of the house. I did almost all the work n was working in school that time. My MIL spewed venom against me n my parents to my hbby n did all natak as if she is doin all wrk n i am lazy n slow but its just the opp, i cant write all coz then u mite not even read. My Inlaws fite wid each other, thier sons too, n once ny unmarried BIl had even left thier house, he later went to australia. Last yr wen i cud not tolerate more n wanted my baby shud not see violence n gali galoch in house i tried n tuk up job in another place n my hubby n me moved to that city as he was already working there n doin up dwn til we moved. We kept visiting them now n then n every time my MIL contd her taunts to me n my family. I nvr stopped my hubby to visit them as my FIL was at times unwell n d 2 cities r not too far off. There was severe tension on me wen I tuk this job too, but I told my hubby I am movin wid or widout u, n I feel that he was not happy in that environment too, but just thinks too much abt wat wil society say n people feel etc etc but we shifted.
2. The people am livig wid are too short tempered, hav the tendency to hit n too conservative in ideas. Now wat happened that my devar is engaged n tho not much hav been done by his wud be inlaws , my H’s relatives n parents are teasing him by calling n saying she is like that, her parents are doing this, in short praising the wudbe bahu (tho she is nothing in comparison to me in any sense), my hubby cudnot tolerate this, n in this pressure n stress he lost his cool last nite n hit me, tho I know he is not bad but he thinks too much abt samaj n gives more weight to his parents, in front of them he says why did u make me marry her, abuses me n call names. Wen he is cool, he says am wid u n care n luv u, that may be true too but how shud I handle the situation. I dont want to go to engagement func, neither do I want to talk to his ever taunting parents n relatives. But he says only if I am gud to his parents howsoever they are, he wil be OK wid me. What do I do? Plz plz plz advise.

broken lady replied. hi lost
i think we both r in same boat from past 5 years. we both have a same family background . we both have same type of inlaws. i have also a 20 month old son.i am a sw engineer(MCA). but the difference between me n u is that iam jobless..n who would understand my problems better than u? in 2007 i was in tne same situation. in my brother inlaw' s engagement i helped my mother in law so much but in return what i had to listen \" dekho ladki walo ne ladake ka tika kitna accha kiya hai... fal to do tokare bheje hai kitne acche...mithaiya to bahut hi acchi hai\" ...\" maine to pahle hi soch liya tha mai to apne doosare bete ki shadi aisi jagah karoongi hi nahi jis ladki ke bhai na ho...ye ladaki chasma nahi lagati... and so many rubbish taunts..\" and also i was accused for stealing the locket of the neclace which she has presented me in my engagement and later presented to her second bahu.. after two months in the marrige of my bil i was really ill ..i was suffering from bad cold. and that time she did not has any sympathy with me ..she was just scolding me in front of guest. saari pehnana nahi aata.. koi kaam nahi kar ti..poori tarah se mujhe bura proof kar diya when one of my relative told my mil that bahu is not looking well.she replied\" faishan kar ke ghoomengi to hoga kya\" also my all ornaments are under the custody of my mil . and now all ornaments r in the damaged condition. my husbands engagement ring and bracelet(which was presented by my parents) is used by my bil .my ornaments r used by my gr8 mil (who is widow). and i did not get even my paayal of my parents side in the ceremony of my bil' s mrrg.strange...and also i was accused for changing my engagement ring which turned into black in the custody of my mil..
i was humilated and ignored by my mil so much in the mrrage of my bil that i am not able to explain . but in the eye of my husband i am culprit.he thinks that i m not happy with my bills mrrg and was not very supportive.. sarika replied. heyy lost

though i do not have much experience i can just tell few things which are similarly happening to me.never try speak anything bad about ils r anyone on ur husbands side,bcoz though ur husbands knows they are wrong but will not support u bcoz it hurts his ego r he thinks about society watevr.ur so lucky that ur employed n with children i wonder how do u find time thinking abou inls n society.ur husband hit u thtz a wrong thing but remember never take a fight to that extent(thz our mistake too).just forget about evrthny attend ur bil' s engagement ,do natak as ur inls do.atleast prtend to be good as so tht thrz no mistake of urs in eyes of society.as other replies be just wise in handling.thz the way u need to live today. Another Girl replied. Hi LOST,

You are an independent girl. You ought to live life on your own terms. Do what' s right for you. Don' t react to situations without thinking over them.

If you want to be with your husband, then just remember that he can be abusive and can beat you also. If you can' t take this and still want to be with your husband then if he starts being abusive, you go for a walk... let him shout at the walls and let him shout at his parents.

Its a human psychology, that when you are angry and you are able to locate a target, you tend to be abusive or use your hands. Ladies do this job by crying to gain sympathy from husband and in-laws. But seriously, their is no sympathy and they think that you are weak and they will suppress you.

You said that your MIL took credit for everything which you do… hello… then stop doing those things, remain out of house and take your child to various places. Then let your MIL do the job and take the credit.

You said that your in- laws and husband are very much into samaj… then keep this point in your mind… THEY WILL NEVER LET YOU GO OUT OF THEIR LIFE, caz they are society conscious…

As far as your steps regarding controlling the situation:
1. Go for a walk whenever your husband becomes abusive
2. When he is normal, make him realize what he said (I know that it won’t help, but you might feel a bit better)
3. Tell your husband that you want to go to the family functions, start buying dresses, etc
4. On the day of the function, either fall ill.. or go to the function and avoid in laws. Remember if you decide to miss them, miss the one / two which is of most important. YOU SERIOUSLY WILL HAVE TO LOOK ILL.
5. Let your husband speak to his family as and when he wishes. Just remember that you speak to your family also. However if he asks you to speak, go to bathroom or just say namaste… meri sabji gas par hai….whatever… TRY NOT TO DO THINGS WHICH HURT YOU….

Take Care
Mel replied. Sorry. I wrote ' Mine was an arranged marriage.' Mine was a love marriage. Mel replied. I understand your situation. And I think we, as wives fall back in our husbands eyes when we don' t do the ' right' thing. I have seen this in my own situation. Even though mine is an arranged marriage, and my husband was with me 100%, we used to have bitter fights when I did something that he felt was ' wrong' . For e.g. even if his parents abused and insulted my family, he would be angry at them, and be on my side, but if I didn' t agree to meet them when they turned up at my door, he would be very upset. He always tells me one thing... you do your part, and I will always be on your side.

I don' t completely subscribe to this logic, but I also understand that this way of behaving makes my husbands conscience clear. It allows him to have peace of mind... and also increases his respect for me. I' m not saying dance to your ILs tunes, but I mean do your duty. Go for the engagement and for all the functions, be good to the new bahu, because its not her fault that your ILs are doing this. Be civil and polite with your ILs, so that in front of your husband, you are doing the right thing. And he will be behind you 100%.

However, I don' t think that in any situation, he should hit you, and I also don' t think that he should belittle you in front of his parents. If possible, sit down with him, and talk to him sincerely. Tell him that you understand things from his perspective now, that it was hard to see it earlier, because you have been hurt so bitterly by his family. But, you will do your part of being kind and civil to his family despite how they behave. But, also explain to him, that as a husband, whom you love and respect... you expect him to not talk about you in that demeaning manner ever again, in front of his parents, or family or anyone. And that he will never raise his hand again.

Don' t be sad. Atleast you are not living with them again. Let them spew as much venom as they want. The bottom line is that you are away from them.

I dont understand your second point. ' The The people am livig wid are too short tempered, hav the tendency to hit n too conservative in ideas.' Are you talking about your ILs ? Or someone else ?