Relationships  Discussion Forum

This is a counter to what shakespeare had said in Hamlet about women.However and whatever women are before marriage ,they are a complete new person after marriage.They are utterly loyal to their husbands(atleast a majority of them),despite of a variety of traits present in them.But men are never.Atleast in my husband' s case,he was never loyal and honest with me.He always told lies ,even for petty things.He did things which never interested me,behind me ,in my absence.He had parties outside,and the worst thing I came to know was he invited his friends to our house for a drink party,which I strictly opposed.He felt that I won' t get to know about that,but he never felt why should he be doing something which would upset his wife.Whereas I either in his presence or absence never ever did anything that would upset him.And if I did I always admitted what I did even before he got to know anything about it.Number of times I pleaded him not to do anything behind me and to be honest in whatever he does.But he never cares.This really hurts me.I come from a background where my father was an extremely honest and loyal person and I expect the same from my husband.I fail to understand why my husband doesn' t even try to be honest when I ' ve been so honest to him.
Are men basically like this?Do men often lie?coz being a woman I had never lied to him and I find it difficult to digest why he always did that. axe replied. hey wife.
are u a shakespeare fan???
do u love literature.
i wish ...i too hav a wife like you.
smart and intellectual Maxwell replied. Dear Wife,

You are most welcome! At 25 you are still very young and I would guess you are also not married for too long, particularly being in an arranged marriage, the phase of mutual adjustments towards each others needs, both physical and psychological is still on.

I am particularly glad that you have started seeing things from his point of view, this should trigger him looking at things from your point of view too.

You can attempt an experiment or a trial by accepting (wholeheartedly, and demonstrate it by action which he would perceive without any confusion) one of the acts that you have resented, like getting back home after a drink, without prior information to you. And then seek information in a very loving manner, like where was the party, what was the occasion, who sponsored it, who were all the participants, why dont they include the women too in such assemblies etc, but all these without the probe kind of angle! I hope you get me....

Do your prayers in advance, ask for forgiveness from your god, protect your sacred puja place once and ask him to organize the party in your own home! Either cook for them or order food from outside, know first hand what happens in such a party! Then decide what kind of restrain you would like him to exercise about such parties.

You have to win him and to win him you have to love him and to love him you have to accept the good bad and ugly part of the man you have married! You must be wondering, when will he do the same towards you? HE WOULD, when he experiences your love, when he gets to a similar counseling session as you are in....

I appreciate your openness and wish you progress towards a higher level of peace and tranquility. Keep posting, I am eager to see both of you happy together.

Good wishes,

Max Maxwell replied. Dear wife,

I am still trying to explore different possibilities. One is that yours and your H' s love expressions are just not matching or not complimentary, thereby not only that he is not meeting your expectations, even you are matching his expectations, which of course neither you nor he are speaking out to each other! So there MAY BE a need for both of you to sit down and speak. How long are you married now? Was this a love or arranged marriage?

In another look I find there are many areas where you are very unhappy and the few areas where he APPEARS to be fulfilling your needs may also be areas where he too needs to perform! I am meaning that, he is actually doing NOTHING for you but all for himself!

Another possibility is that his social needs are very different compared to yours. Tell me, if he gets drunk when he drinks? Do you have friends whom you know all by your connections and not his?

There may be a strong need for you to make him sit down and talk, do you think he will be amenable to such a talk? Is your sex life ok? Does your dissatisfaction reflect into the bedroom? Answer only if you feel comfortable. I will reply without much delay this time.

I wish you peace. Maxwell replied. The wife,

Sorry, I could not respond early. I do appreciate your being religious and conservative and hence not able to accept your H doing just what he would know SHALL hurt you.

I asked you about your age group and children and if you too are working, if you care, do give these input, it helps me in putting things in right perspective.

I appreciate you saying that there are few more but you do not want to make your H look a jerk etc. and hence did not describe those. You also mentioned that you love your H very much too. I want to understand the other part. Do you think your H loves you? and in what other behaviors of his do you feel his love?

In my limited understanding I do see that some of his actions are just not in tune with his love for you. But before I suggest you to take actions in that area, I want to understand your perception of his love.

Do his friends include only male friends or the wives of some of the married males too? Are there any single women among those friends and colleagues?

NO, I am not offended at all, what I say to you has got nothing to do with my personal life, I am just trying to understand your situation and shall try to help you react in a manner that your problems are eased. Maxwell replied. to the wife,

I have this feeling that, though more men may be slightly more dishonest then their counterpart, surely most men around are not as you think. I am sad that you have a poor experience with your Husband but I also think the situation is not frustrating yet.

May I ask you, whats the age group you and your husband are in? Do you have children? Are you too a working woman?

I have the following points for your thought, though I am not fixed with my thoughts at all, please do modify me if you feel I am way off mark.

Many men in the fast urban indian life, like to have a drink or two occassionaly. You seem to be dead against that. Provided you show some acceptance to the above, I am sure you would appreciate that having a drink party at home occassionaly without adversely affecting the family life, is safe and cheap too for the men. Or else more money drain and there are the risks of a pub commotion.

Please understand that a man tends to hide a few \" not so damning\" truths in order to save the wife from undue hurt.

I will come back once I find your response.