Relationships  Discussion Forum

i think i am the only one in this whole who has this problem. my inlaws are really really really nice that they get on my nerves. i get irritated and feel so guilty at the same time and no one really understands my problem. when they come to my house, they treet me like a vistor in my own house. morning, when i come down to the kitchen , they are already there making breakfast and they ask me whether i want coffe now (or sometimes they assume that i would drink coffee, and have it already made when i come down). i feel like a vistor in my own house. my mil won' t let me help her with any cooking. she says , of you go take rest. i don' t know the traditional ways of their cooking, so i don' t know exactly what to do without some guidance, but she won' t let me. she always observes people so she can do things for others without others asking. this is really a good thing, but when someone is always watching what i am doing in my own home all the time, i feel so creepy. like when i microwave the milk, she would already have the spoon and coffee powder ready to hand over to me. when i come home from work, most of the cooking for the night is done, i feel like i have no say in what is being made in my own house. just feels like some one has taken over my house. and they always spoil their grandhildren. i have seen example of my sil' s child. she was so spoilt when they were taking care of her. the thing that i get upset over that is that they spoil the child and then they complain how difficult it is to take care of the child. she keeps complaining that it takes couple hours to feed that child, when it was she in the first place who kept going after that child everywhere and try to feed her for 2 hours. i am so scared that she will do that to my children and ofcourse i will have to deal with them once she has left and also she will complain about my children and how difficult they were. i think she has some psychological problem that she wants to feel like she is a martyr and she wants everyone to feel sorry for her. for e.g. she is very frail and even if my husband and his brother are standing right there, she wouldn' t ask them to carry a big bucket of water a flight of stairs upstairs. she will do it herself and ofcourse the next day she will be saying how badly her back hurts. she wouldn' t let anyone help her, but she does make it a point to let everyone know how much pain she is in. actually she gets so animated when she talks about how much pain she is in, it is like hearing some one talk about their accomplishments. in the first few years of the marriage, i used to be really nice to her, but now these kind of behaviours irritate me. i don' t say anything bad to her, but i am very aloof. after trying to help her with cooking for multiple years and get turned down, i just don' t offer to help anymore, because getting turned down again , will get me really irritated. i would really like to help her. my own mom had passed away a few years back and i have even tried to explain to her what a horrible experience that was and how much i miss my mom , that she has to take care of herself, because that is the most important thing that she can do for her kids. when i told her this, she got emotional , but she hasn' t changed a single bit. please, any advice you can give me will be appreciated to help her and help me. AN replied. wish my MIL did all this for me. u shud be glad she does all this for you. enjoy while it lasts! mother replied. I guess you should start enjoying this... after all not all MILs are like this.I know its difficult to enjoy this kind of behaviour.. that ' s because we have all heard bad about the MILs.So you do expect the same BAD MIL..But things are diffretn her/./. so always offer your help if not accepted just tell her that your a grt MIL and move oonnn.... prada replied. Dear secret you,
Its a tricky situation,neither can we blame nor can adjust with such MILS.Such MILS can be tagged as sympathy or attention seekers.My MIL every now and then tries to do the same.Such persons seem very sweet to others but are unbearable and sometimes irritating in the long run.
Coming to your situation ,do your ILS come to you to stay for a few months?Then you should not worry much about their ways and behaviour.May be your MIL is trying to be too good to you,just b' coz she wants to be considered as an unproblematic MIL.She tries to seek everybody' s sympathy b' coz she' s longing for their attention.
When she makes coffee for you even before you wake up don' t annoy yourself early in the morning,instead accept it with a broad smile and thank you....but if you don' t want to drink it don' t force yourself keep it aside pretending you forgot and it got cold ,and go back to kitchen to make your own coffee.
And when all she' s doing is,spoiling your children don' t even give her the responsibility.No matter what ,don' t get them habited to the pampered ways of feeding.Now I don' t mean to say not to let your children go to them.Do the daily responsibility part of your children yourself as much as possible.But if the problem arises when you are not around ,just make sure you tell your kids in a softer tone,' Don' t make mischief when I' m not home.Don' t run around when you eat.Its completely bad manners.You' ll only trouble your dada,dadi if you do so.' And another great way to make children learn good things is to show them pictures or cds regarding good habits and manners.They learn quicker and they sure abide by those books. If she' s cooking without your indulgence ,let her do.Afterall not everyone is lucky to get such uninvited help from MILS.But after she finishes everything you do your part of cooking,saying you feel like eating the dish right then.If she comes back to the kitchen to lend her help tell her what she tells you but politely,that ' you must be so tired of doing all the work yourself.Please go and have rest.Let me cook something special for you and everybody' ,she would be satisfied by your words,for she got what she wanted,' attention' .
Just use tact in everything ,like what she does ,but it shouldn' t sound like the same.Afterall you are educated and employed ,you know better how to deal with the toughest of kinds,specially those who misuse emotions.
On the final note I' would rather say you are certainly lucky to get such a MIL.As long as you can manage with them,you don' t need to worry about their psychological problems.But it would be always good to offer your part of emotinal support to them,as in this stage they long only for that and nothing else.