Relationships  Discussion Forum

Dear Sisters,
I am married to an indian national from Tamilnadu.I am a singaporean. Ours is love marriage...It' s been 4 yrs since we got married. I have a 2 yr old son.....I was working in a clerical job here for 7 yrs. After childbirth, I took long childcare leave which entitles me to be in jobstatus till I return back. My son is very hyperactive...He goes to playschool. My parents are working and his parents are in India...I don' t have domestic help here as we are in financial problems...My hubby is supporting his parents. The situation in the family was like they had too much of loan to settle before our marriage...My husband was the sole breadwinner for the whole family...His younger bro was studying back then so he couldn' t contribute for the family but now he is in job and got married and has a 1 yr old son...He never contributes to the family much because his wife is not in good terms with my inlaws...So everything falls on my hubby' s head...I have no help to manage things at home...I have to do everything.....cleaning, washing, cooking and taking care of the child....I feel strangled.....I would be happy if there was someone to help me out but everybody whom I feel can do so.....are not even concerned........My hubby helps me in things like marketing in the weekends and he brings me out for a day leaving my son at my parents home....He feels stressed too.....It is so bad that both of us don' t even have proper sex......it' s like 2 or 3 times in a month...He feels very vexed but I can' t help it because I feel so tired and exhausted.....Recently, I have been behaving very aggressively to my son..mostly when he doesn' t listen to my orders...like eating time or sleeping time..I have a very hard time feeding him because he refuses everything.....Nobody is here to teach me or guide me on how to feed him and what to feed him. I have been screaming at him....shouting at him......Sometimes I go thru barbaric thoughts abt doing something bad to my child.......I can' t take it anymore......Sometimes I feel like killing myself because I think of doing bad things to my child.........But I really love him so much....I can' t live without him.....He means the world to me........How can I get help? Pls don' t mistake me.......I am helpless and feel like going mad anytime.........Pls help me......Give me some advices.........Thxs a billion..... Mel replied. First of all, remember one thing... every single mother makes so many mistakes while raising children. For various reasons, everyone either yells or hits their toddlers, feeds them junk food now and then, incorporates incorrect eating habits due to lack of time, desperation with fussy kids etc. We are all human, and we ALL make mistakes. And remember one more thing... EVERYTHING CAN BE CORRECTED.

Don' t worry about what you have given him in the past. And now, too, don' t abruptly change his food.

And don' t cook separately for him. He' s 2 years old, so technically he should be eating table food. So, when you cook for yourself & hubby, keep the same food for him (while cooking keep spice and salt less). So, if you make rice and veggies for lunch. Remove a few pieces of potato and put it in his plate. Put a few small bits of roti. Let only that food be there during meal time. After that, if he eats a little or nothing at all, offer him what you usually offer him (cereal), but slowly cut down on the quantity of cereals. Since, he needs fresh fruits and vegetables to grow and develop properly.

Keep offering him different things... chapati, dosa, idli (just put 2 - 3 small bits on his plate). And let him try only if he wants to. Eventually he will try it. And he will like some things and not like somethings. Try to identify atleast 2 starch things that he likes (e.g. rice and roti/rice and idli etc) 2-4 fruits (banana, apple, orange, grapes etc ) 5-6 veggies (yellow pumpkin, potato, carrots, cauliflower etc).

Give him a space of 2 hours between meals. During these 2 hours, let him have water, but no juices or anything else. And don' t be too particular about mealtimes.

If he doesn' t eat at 1, he' ll eat at 2. If he' s hungry at 12 instead of 1, then offer him food at 12. But, if he doesn' t ask for food, then stick to the 2 hour schedule.

Take care. And all the best. Mel replied. Ideally a toddler should have 3 square meals plus 2 healthy snacks.

Breakfast: between 7-9 am (depending on when he wakes up.) Sooji / idli / bread butter / eggs + toast / chapati + butter PLUS 4 oz of milk.
Mid-morning: At about 11 am - fruit slices / biscuits / cheese cubes / pretzels / finger chips
Lunch: 1 pm - (Rice / Roti + Veggies / Chicken / Egg) OR (Mixed veg pulao) OR (Veg Paratha with a little butter or ghee).
Mid afternoon snack: 4 oz juice + biscuits / cheese / finger chips / veg cutlets
Dinner: Same as lunch.
He should be having between 12-16 oz of milk (Not more, not less). Kavitha Krishnamurthy replied. Dear Sisters, I read all your replies...It was very heart warming to read......Thanks alot...I am trying my best and I can see slight improvements......Pls keep in touch...Give me some receipes to feed this little boy....mainly on how to make it.......Thanks

With luv, Kavitha Chandra replied. Hey,
I know it' s hard to manage the household, gets stressful. But honestly, it' s not as bad as you think...from what I read of your post.
Babies are a handful, and stressful at times, but just do the best you can. When you are angry or fed up or upset, they can sense that...which will make them more fussy. When you really just can' t handle it, take a time out. Obviously you can' t leave them alone, but just lay down on the floor, close your eyes and breathe. TRUST ME, it helps!! Order out! You don' t have to make a warm cooked meal alllll the time! I' m sure your husband will understand. Enjoy the days you and him have when the kids are with the grandparents. That is your release.
Remember, its harder to take care of children when you are tired and frustrated, hence they will eat less! Don' t force them. Kids are pretty strong people!! If they eat half their food a few times, don' t fret.
You' re doing the best you can.

And one thing: thinking about KILLING YOURSELF? come on now hun. That' s kind of extreme no?

I' ve been through A LOT of hardships in my marriage, when i was pregnant. But it should never come down to thoughts such as that. A happy mother is the BEST mother. namita replied. hi kavitah. u are not the only person in this world who has such thoughts. i ahve a 3 and a half year old daughter and she is also hyperactive. she toubles me with food and also with other things. sometimes i feel like beating her with a stick . but i exercise self control and instead beat her with my hand. then i feel guilty that how can i feel like harming my only child . if girls are like that i can very well imagine boys.i totally agree with the other two replies u have got.try o pamper yourself once a week by going to a parlour. believe me u will feel better u will feel that u have done something for yourself. our frustration stems from the fact that we don' t do anything for ourselves but only for our husband and children . financila difficulty is one of the most important reasons for marital stress. but husband will not give me monthly expenses on time but will do charity on time. his explanation is that is more important. so we end up fighting most of the time and have sex once in 2 to 3 months. your sex life is way much better than mine.every marriage has some problem or the other, but one thing that i have learnt from 6 years of my marriage is it is very important for women to be financially independent. that solves 75 percent of the problem.see to it that u return to your job by putting your son in creche or something. i know it is not fair on the part of your child to keep him away from u for such a long time but cannot help it.once u have some savings in your bank account u can quit your job.
all the best Neeraja replied. Kavitha, First you need to calm down and stop thinking about bad things in life. I will tell one thing, if not your in-laws somethingelse is a reason for you to work. So stop blaiming on things, compromise with situation. How can you relax in life, go out over the weekend. Take your son to places, eat out on weekend at inexpensive places. You will have some time to relax and still have fun. I have 3yr old hiper active. I live in US and have no help. I am expecting another one soon as well. My husband works during odd time, so I don' t get any relief. I work fulltime. It' s normal. We all get stressed with finances, kids small things in life. I try to take my daughter out as much as possible over the weekend that way she is very tired and will not trouble for eating. The first thing is you have to stop blaiming situatio of finances. Start thinking good things around you. Don' t beat little one for not eating. Make something which he will love to eat. Go out for facial or pedicure. I am sure you will feel good about yourself. I hope you can do these things easily, if just that you need to feel good about life. We all have one life, feel happy with what you have rest is left to God. You are setting an example to your son that you work hard, take care of your in-laws, your husband and your son. It' s amazing howmany people can do that? You are truly a special person. Feel happy that you are trying the best for your family. I am sure your husband appreciates what you are doing for him and for your family. Be happy.... Mel replied. First of all, stop beating yourself up. I live in India, and so I have help, but still my son harasses me when it comes to eating, and it makes me feel so angry and frustrated and helpless.

So, if you are doing everything by yourself... all household chores as well as taking care of your little boy, then it' s bound to drive you to your wits end.

But, remember one thing.... it may be destiny' s fault that your situation is like this, it may be your Brother-in-law' s fault that your financial situation is like this... it may be your in-laws fault for not doing something to help you... but it IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR SON' S FAULT.

He doesn' t want to eat because HE IS A TODDLER. Just like so many of our kids, they just don' t have the appetite, and we keep forcing them, and they keep refusing, and we end up getting angry at them.

I have now realised that while babies eat well, and need a lot of nutrition to grow and develop, toddlers do not eat well, and need very little food (quantity) to grow and develop. It is ok if he eats ONLY ONE BITE AT EVERY MEAL, IT IS ALSO OK IF HE DOESN' T WANT TO EAT EVEN ONE GRAIN OF RICE AT ONE MEAL OR 2 MEALS OR FOR ONE WHOLE DAY.

The more you force him, the more averse he will grow to food. I' m telling you this from my own experience. Your job is to keep some good healthy food (keep 2-3 choices at each meal) ready in front of him, BUT EATING IS HIS JOB. Just let him be... don' t shout... don' t yell.... don' t force... just let him eat what he wants, as little as he wants, and respect him if he doesn' t want to eat at all at one or more meals.

keep a check on his height, weight and activity levels. If all is ok, then just do your part and let him be.

I would recommend you start putting your child in playschool and take up a part time job. This way it will have a dual benefit. When he goes to play school and sees other kids, his eating habits will improve. My son doesn' t like to eat, but if I give the maid' s daughter a banana, he wants to grab that banana and eat it. Secondly, it will give you some extra money to hire some help. Get a maid or some help to atleast do the cleaning. This way you can just focus on cooking and the baby.

My mum is 60 and still likes to cook, but since she' s getting older, it' s a bit difficult, so what she does is... she will do preparatory things once a week, like sorting out / marinating / preparing masalas / etc in advance or she will cook two meals together and pop one in the fridge.

I just want you to know that you are not abnormal, and that for the sake of your child, you shouldn' t think about killing yourself. Barbaric thoughts come to your mind out of sheer frustration and helplessness. You are a human being... and at your wits end. It' s absolutely normal. Just make sure that you STOP yelling and screaming at him, as this could affect his nature and character. You would want your child to be as happy and as well developed as any other child... so give him the environment that he deserves... and give him back the mother he LOVES MORE THAN ANYONE AND ANYTHING IN THIS WHOLE WORLD. He loves you and cannot live without you, just as you cannot live without him. Your first and prime responsibility is him.