Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi friends,

Looking for some genuine help and suggestions.

I don’t know where to start from, but the root of my problem is my mother in law.

My Background: Married for over 8 years, good relation with husband, 2 chilldren age 4 and 2, working full time in a reputed position, highly educated, living is US, my whole family in India and have live-in inlaws, inlaws have their home in India as well, but ever since my first son was born mil is living with us permanently.

It is a great help for a working mom like me with inlaws in house so I never had to leave my kids in day care. I always tried to be nice to her, but she always found faults in me and she always had problem with me…she never liked me. She gets jealous when she sees me happy with my children or husband. Last 4 years had been pretty tough for me with her being around. I had been very patient and ignored a lot of her acts. But now I do not sit quiet, I also start shouting when I see or hear her calling me names. It’s like a cat fight. I was quiet for a long time due to which she got to this extent. Now that I have started to talk back at her, I am ‘badtameez’. She threatens me that she will kick me out of my house (even though my husband and I bought it together…I had always been earning equal…no one wants to understand that). My husband does not say anything to her and will never say anything to her. He yells at me and tells me to get out. If I didn’t have my children, I would have done something long time ago either suicide or divorce.
I can’t just go on streets with my kids or leave my kids with them. Now suicide is not an option, as I can’t leave my young children behind. I don’t know if I have courage to start the divorce process…but If things don’t get better for me…eventually this is going to happen. What do I do now? Really fed up of my life and lifestyle.

Thanks
Priti
aaa replied. first of all you are taking advantage of ur mil, she is taking care of ur kids and u need not worry about day care, getting ur kids from day care at specific time after ur job.. u are getting that luxury, there are countless females who juggle with day care and kids.. How can u forget that important part , nobody on this earth are 100% happy, if she shouts at u, just tell her firmly that this should not continue in this house, or just act as if u did not listen to her.. and tell her if she tells that she will kick u out of the house that even she will be kicked out from that house coz even u have paid money for that house. SK replied.
Hi Priti,

I really empathise with you.I too stay with my in-laws and I know how it feels.I have few suggestions for you.

Have you ever tried acting smartly ? I mean why don' t you behave as if you are the lady of the house & don’t give a damn to what your MIL says.Cook what you want , do what you want and live happily as you always wished.Be firm and do not be taken for a ride.
See your MIL cant go howling at you forever , if you don’t react back to her , she cant go howling at you forever.Dont pay any attention to her acts , have you ever thought that may be she such acts just to divert your & your husband' s attention towards her?

Try to minimise your words/interaction with your MIL , don’t talk a word extra than required.Dont share any of your problems with your MIL.As you wrote in your post that you in turn at times shout at your MIL , DO EVER DO THAT.This will in turn give your hubby & MIL a chance to say that \" even you shouted at me !!!\" so beware , remember that silent actions are the strongest & most impactful actions.

I can understand that it must not be easy for you but don’t think of suicide or divorce.I mean your MIL is staying at your place and living on your expenses (I am asuming it) and you are the lady of the house and you think of divorce/suicide !!!!

Also, please talk to your hubby and make him understand that such a behaviour of your MIL hampers your mental health.Tell him that such an atmosphere at home will give your children a negative effect so your husband should think seriuosly about it.I am sure if he loves you , he will understand it.but be very careful about words , do not sound as if you are critical of your MIL or you hate her.

Hope my advise is of some help to you.Cheer up & keep us posted.

Rgds,SK Another Girl replied. Hi Priti,

Just to highlight one thing, when you started fighting back, then your relationship with your husband started to suffer.

Prior to you MIL joining you in US, you had a healthy realtionship with your husband. You also had a good realtionship till the time you ignored your MIL.

I really find the solution in last paragraph i.e. to ignore your MIL.

Some options to ignore her, play with your kids with you I-Pod on or a music system on while with your kids. When you work in kitchen, play your I-Pod. Speak to your single friends while you are home. Go out for lunch on weekends with your husband. Take kids to garden on weekends. Stay away from MIL at the max - whatever way - becuase she is the reason for your problems.

All this will enable you to be away from your MIL and I would strongly suggest not to share your problems with MIL. I shared my activities with my MIL as I used to do with my mom but later my MIL took me for granted and as old ladies do..... blah bla bla...

Keep your realtionship with your husband healthy. Whilst you start ignoring your MIL, may be if she continues speaking something or other thing...let her do. One day she will keep quiet as you won' t react ... or may be your husband realises that its his mother who starts all this nonsense. Also you can expect old ladies to do the same as a MIL can never regard her DIL as her daughter.

Cmon, just don' t give up a realtionship because of your MIL. Married Male replied. Hello Priti,

I have few qstns for which you can answer yourself (if you want you can post here).
1. Why did you wait for 4 long years to show up your frustration?
2. Do you know how the problem started for the first time? It may be a very small misunderstanding...
3. Do you talk to ur MIL about your problems? or Did you ever share any of your feelings to her in a friendly way?

Try to understand one common law of life.
There is not a single relationship without any problem. If there is a relationship, there should be some misunderstandings and some problems.
The better way to overcome this is, try to have a open talk and give importance to other person' s feelings also.
I am a married male. My wife is very affectionate with me because i show that much of love and affection to her. But My MIL think that i took her daughter away from her family as my wife is now talking to her mom only 2/3 times in a week...My MIL is now fighting with her daugher for this....

Why i am telling this is, its common for any relation to have misunderstanding/security issue, etc. The best way is talk to your MIL and Husband.
As you are educated, dont talk silly as suicide, etc.
Also think about what you are going to do after divorce. Will you marry someone else or live for your kids till the end of your life?
Is it possible for you to control all your feelings without a soulmate?
Do not run away from the problem. Divorce is also same as running away from one problem but not a permanant solution.
Think 100 times before taking a decision of divorce.
Also using SORRY and THANKS with a SMILE is a very big weapon for success in the relationship. Try using them in a proper way.
All the best
Married male