Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have come back to this forum after a long time and this time too with my problems. I have been married for almost a year and apart from tit bits everything was fine. Untill i read my husband' s mail which he left opened and i could not hold on my manners and read almost all his mails. And i came to know that he has this affair with a woman . When i got married to him he always asked me to meet her but i refused though at that time i was not aware of the situation . Yes i had my doubts maybe because i am a girl and they say a girl can sense infidelity even in wraps. Anyways there was nothing there after our marriage except some phone calls. Last month that woman called that she has come to our town and asked my husband to visit her alongwith me as she wanted to see me. And my DH asked me to come along with him to visit her though he knew i doubted on them as i did not hide that fact atall. I refused it flatly and we had a big fight and i cried my eyes out. got some sympathetic words from hubby and he said there was nothing like what i think it is just a pure friendship. Last week i could not bear all the tension as i knew better it was not friendship alone. I confronted him and when i kind of pushed him into corner not literally but by saying what i have read in his mail. then only he admitted that he was lonely so he needed companionship so he talked with her and became a little bit infatuated with her and he also told me about some other women he became infatuated with and flirted with. He told me that he has spend weekends with her and at a time 3-4 days with her on some remote places only two of them. Though he denied having slept with her. But i am not a fool what he was doing with a married woman (yes she is married with kids and a hubby too) on a remote place spending vacations with her. And that woman' s husband also does not knw about this all. Now my problem is i can' t get it out of my head although my husband said in his clarification that i was not there when all this happened and yes it is true he did not even knew me at that time. He asked for my forgiveness and admitted that what he did was wrong but still refuses that he has slept with her. He also says he does not want to leave me which ofcourse i offered . Now he is saying everything depends on me but if he has his say he does not want to leave me ever. When i was inconsolable he said that we should talk about all this with my parents and they will advice us what should we do . For which i refused why should i worry my parents as they live in india and i am in US . They are old i don' t want to give them tension so i came back to u guys. Please advise me what to do.
I am going out of my head. jaya replied. I wish to thank all u guys there who supported me unconditionally. I am trying my best to overcome it and save my marriage. I have again talked with my husband and said things openly to him what i expect from him. I have asked him to destroy every thing which is concerned with her. His mail contacts, phone no. n all. Till now he has not done it but he promised me that he will do whatever i ask him to do and will not do anything ever for which i will be ashamed of him. He also asked me that he want children as soon as possible, for which i refused. Not because i don' t like children but because i don' t want my child from a rocky marriage. And one more thing i was pregnant before but it was miscarried at that time i was devastated and my husband took very good care of me at that time. He almost slaved himself for a month to take care of me and was there with me all the time. It really brought us together a lot . But after that this all happened . I don' t want to forget my good time with him.We were a normal couple loving one day and fighting for nothing on another day.I will work hard to make my marriage work and wish my husband will do the same. Thanks again Pooja , Tamilasaru and all of u for understanding me and showing me the right path. Pooja replied. Hi Jaya,

I have been through almost the same thing as you are now. My husband had told me earlier about his affair which was over before my marriage. But recently in a family function at my in-laws place his EX was there and they both were talking very nicely. My husband did introduce me with her which i was not willing for. Then that entire night i cried. I felt very bad. My husband could have avoided her. Seeing me in such devastated condition my husband convinced me that neither does he have any contact with her nor is he going to establish any. He told me that he just could not avoid her. May be they were meeting after many years. But for few days i could remove it from my head. But then i thought why should i spoil my marriage for this if my husband is not going to contact her.
So i would suggest the same to you. But always keep your eyes open. Dont ever let your husband cheat you again. If you still hecontinues then thats it. I feel its no use continuing the marriage.

My best wishes are with you. Concerned replied. Hi Jaya,

It is better you forgive him because he had some relationship before marriage and discontinued it after he married you. Ask him to stop contacting her anymore. No phone, no mail, nothing. He should abide by it.

You should be glad that your husband is loyal to you now. There are few men who flirt after marriage, have extra marital affairs, sleep with another woman, etc. What should these men be done? At least you are luckier that your husband does not fall into this category.

I know it is difficult to forget about all this, but try and try. Divert your attention in something that makes you happy. Be with your husband and try to renew your love relationship with him. I pray for your happiness and peace.

Take care dear.
Another Girl replied. Hi Jaya,

Don' t regret that you never had an affair before marriage. See the positive side, you wanted yourself to be truly committed to your husband, secondly... you won' t be blackmailed by anyone, no pressures on you by anybody... you are the real person.

But at the same time, don' t expect any male to be like you.

As far as your current situation is concerned, in case your husband would have told you these facts before marriage, would you still have continued relationship and married him.
Probably yes, because you might have said, past is past. Everybody wants commitment after marriage.

It is indeed difficult to trust such a person who has told you the truth after marriage. But now it’s your husband’s turn to do something which enables you to trust him.

You simply have to wait and watch. In case he really loves and cares for you, and cares for this marriage, he should discontinue speaking to the other lady without you having to ask him to do the same.

In case these guys continue, then literally teach them a lesson by finding about that ladies husband and revealing the truth to him. Later definitely workout something that both the cheaters regret.

Also everyone is entitled to one forgiveness, so forgive your husband and see how it goes.

Incase your husband says that they are only friends tell him that he can be friends with anybody except this lady. Your husband should definitely listen to you as he should understand what you are going through and above all he has to do something that enables you to trust him again.

And don’t worry, everything will be good. I hope your husband really means what he says.

At last, I would also strongly suggest you to be prepared for the worse becuase my experience tells that cheaters always blame others for whatever happens and continue to fool the innocent.

Take Care jaya replied. Thanks For ur advice . Truth is i really loves my husband. I knw he did not cheat on me since we are married. But i can' t get that lady out of my head however hard i try. I feel dirty. He is also acknowledging the fact that his so called friendship with a married woman was bad and has also promised me that he will always be faithful to me. But thing is he is saying it all when i forced him to acknowledge the truth. Its not me alone but he is also tense regarding all this. I want my marriage to work but i don' t knw where to start. How to get past the things i have come to knw about him. He has promised me that he will not have any sort of contact with her ever. But i am not able to trust his words now. I feel betrayed.Pl. suggest what should i do so that ican trust him again and save my marriage. I want to live with him happily as we were before this episode. U knw for the first time in my life i repented for not having any affair with any guy. If i had that may be i would not have felt so miserable.Pl. advice me how to overcome this situation. tamilarasu replied. Hi,

First, I would like to share my story with you.

I am a married male and had been involved in to a relationship before marriage. But after marriage, i tried to avoid the relationship but due to the force from my x-side, i am continuing a friendship with her now. Its just a friendship only. Sometime she tried to have some romantic conversation, but i avoid those things. All these were not known to my wife. She know the lady and i told my wife that we are friends. That' s all.
My wife is not interested to know about my life before our marriage, and her expectation is that i should be loyal to her after our marriage.
You know how the relationship started with my x? It started as a friendship and that lady is married and having one kid. That time i am far away from family and need someone to share my feelings... my thoughts are good in the initial stage but after her movemnts to have physical, i also involved. But after this happned once, i told my x that i dont do it anymore but she convinced me saying \" i dont disturb you after your marriage...\" After my marrige, my x still need me in her life which i feel bad. Due to some reason, i cannot avoid her contact for time being. But I am trying to change my job and relocate the place, just to avoid her.
Since my wife beleive me very much and i also love her so much, i am not doing anything wrong now.

There are some ladies who can go beyond a level to get guys other than husband. In my case it was a contineous initiative from that lady and i did a mistake. Mistakes are common and one should come out of mistakes.
Love and affair before marriage is most common and atleast 80% of the men and 60% of the women are in affairs before marriage. But most of them are ready to change their mind after they getting married. I am also like that only.
Coming to your problem, I am not sure about your husband' s case. If he did a mistake in the past (before your marriage), i would say, dont dig more.

there are few qstns came to my mind which you please think about it and write it back. You are very particular about knowing whether he slept with her or not.
Q: What are you going to do after knowing this? Think what will be your choice if he says Yes and No.
Q: If he says yes, will you be able to forgive him?
Q: Do you really want to live with him by forgive him, if he says No??

My suggestion for you is (since he is willing to live with you for life long)
Try to give forgiveness to him. If you are not comfortable him having friendship with that lady, ask him to cut the friendship entirely (even if it is genuine).
I know it will be hard for you to love/live with him again. But You can do that.

If he says, he can cut his friendship with her, trust him and come to a comfortable level and give a chance to him.
But in case if he continue his relationship with that lady or flirt someone else, you may think of divorce.

Hope you will get more suggessitions.

All the best.