Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi All,

I am very upset with the way my mother speaks to me ... I am married for close to 9 years and have 5 yr old son. I work in software. Me and my parents stay in the same city and 20 mins away from our place.
Since childhood I have always been very close to my mom ..

If I think back and compare her nature she has changed in so many ways ..

She never misses an opportunity to talk something rude to me or to blame me (i dont understand why)

For instance We are looking for a girl for my brother. Yday she showed me a photo of a girl whom I believe they didnt like very much . But I genuinely liked the girl and said she is fine. Mom tells me in a rude tone \" You just want to end this matter .. so anybody i show you will say she is nice\"
I felt so hurt with her words ..why will i want to end it ?? as if I dont love my brother ....

Basically any pretty looking girl also she finds mistakes and says she is not nice ...I dont understand what is it she is expecting. My dad says nothing at all and puts yes..yes in everything she says.

Another thing is highly dominating nature .. everything has to be done the way she wants.
She is very close to her brothers and sisters and is always full of praises for them and expects me and my brother to do the same. Offer help .. give gifts .. look for jobs for their kids .. guide them and what not !!! and if we fail to do it bcoz of our personal committments .. there she goes angry again and saying things like how selfish and mean we are !!

Even though my brother has a high paying job , they tend to get stuck in some financial problems which I believe happens bcoz they plan something beyond their affordability. During such times they always look up to me for help and all the times I have helped them but when it comes to praising someone she starts praising some sisters/brothers daughter or son who talked to them (ofcourse over phone) or invited them for a lunch .. She praises them so much it makes me feel I am not doing enough for them !! Not one word of appreciation comes for me !!

Yday as I was very hurt I happened to tell few things to my hubby but in bits and pieces as I felt quiet embarrassed and his suggesstion was I should learn to detach myself from all this. Only then it will reduce my stress !

But how exactly to do it ? Inspite of whatever she says I call her everyday after reaching work ... Its become a habit now ! If I call her, again the same things start all over again ..

Pls tell me some ways to be there for them but yet stay detached so i dont end up hurting myself !!!

Thanks in advance
Anu sonu replied. Your mother has expectations over you. Also, she has same expectations from your brother too...Also, She must not be willing to see a match for your brother. ur mom must be having some financial burdens which can be accomplished with his support. Then, naturally , parents act as if they are looking for a match but they want to delay the marriage process. It must be happening there. So, you dont seem to be in hurry to find a girl quickly. That is the reason ur mother sidetracking any match.

Anu, whatever it is, I suggest you not to tell your hubby everything. Later, u cant bear if ur hubby critisise your relation anyday.

Your mother knows , you are doing atmost as a daughter. But she doesnt want to accept it due to EGO feeling. Dont mind. after all she is ur mom.
As a girl itself u r in a stress condition! Imagine whats ur brother position? naturally , expectations of a mother on her son will be high. And thye too dont get recognition even after doing many things.


Anyway, soon after ur brother gets married, she' ll no more talk rude to you because then ,she knows she need your emotional support.

Don' t worry. You are not living with them. Your hubby is understanding and that is enough for any girl to lead life happily .

You cant expect everything should be fine in our life. Its just impossible. If time is not well, Our own mom creates problems. But, its just ignorable until she tries to ruin ur life like a mil does.
:(
SK replied. Hi Anu,

I am also married for 2 yrs.Me and my parents stay in the same city and 1 hour away from our place.Just for your info ,we are 2 sisters and I am the elder one,I have huge responsibility towards my parents,both my parents are working till date and my sister is doing her MBA.Regarding your problem, see parents can be rude sometimes or many a times.Many times when I visit my parents I end up fighting with them and on the most immaterial things but can' t help it since we have different school of thought.I know discussing these things with your husband can be embarrasing but utmost what we can do is to limit our intervention or stop giving our opinions in all their matters.what I mean is not to cut all our relations , but even our own parents need to be shown their boundaries.If you feel hurt with your mum' s word , tell her that and give your opinion only when you are asked.That' s what I do in my parent' s case.See, we can' t cut all the relations because whatever we are today is all beacuse of my parent' s efforts but maximum what we can do is to limit of interferences or opinions are offer help only when we are asked to.This way even you will be respected.

Hope my suggestion is of some help and you feel better now.