Relationships  Discussion Forum

i am 25. getting married in may to a guy of my choice.he is 29. mow all is ok between both families in the sense we managed to make everyone agree and finally marroage is happening! but wen i go through these posts here i find so many ppl unhappy.its all so scary expecially dealing with MIL.how to come out of this fear?it is depressing me. my fiance' s parents are actually ok...not bad anyway.how can i judge them so tht i am prepared before hand. and also so many inputs from almost everyone saying u have to adjust to this and that and retc. ofcourse,my fiance is cool about many of the things.but still my relatives and parents get me stressed out at times..how to handle all this..any suggestiions plz? Sujata replied. I totally agree with Chandra & Namita , Namita seriously I fully agree to you if you do lot of things for them, they just take you for granted.

PD: I would like to advice you on one thing from my experiences, as they are inlaws thay are constantly going to be interfereing in their son' s life & u cannot keep them away, but just always give a ear to them & do what u & ur hubby things is best for both of you.

Secondly I don' t want to scare you but happened with me if u have a bil & his wife u are going to be constatnly compared, just don' t let that bother you, I have had a lot of it.

Anyways have a happy married life.
aa replied. hi i dont want to depress you any further. I have been married 6 years, 2 kids. Intitally, yes things were great, but now il' s have shouted at me, and my parents sooo many times, they hate each other! I think i made a mistake of trying to be too independat. For advice to you...think before you speak to your il' s , rememeber nobody treats you as well as your own family will. Chandra replied. cant guarantee this is gona work. but what i would have done differently...do not put all ur eggs in one basket. dont think he will give you all you want, all you need. (im not saying he gonna be mean or anything to you!) because of his parents, he will be dividing his attention between them and you..and of course, rightfully so. however, i found that my husband took me for granted....i did everything for my inlaws and husband, i shoulda just relaxed, takin it easy. no need to go overboard, just be urself. if you dont want to do something say it! nicely of course....but make sure u are heard.

always respect ur inlaws...always. i never complained to my husband about them. i kept it to myself. maybe i should have! lol....but even when my FIL yelled at me, said a lot of mean things, i was tempted to say things back, but i didnt. i kept it quiet, was still polite.

dont make the mistake of ever making ur husband choose between you and his parents. if he' s smart enough, and ur inlaws are treated you badly, he should speak up, giving them respect, but giving YOU respect too.
if he doesn' t then realize that he is not smart enough, and you will only be able to sway him in certain areas.

im not trying to give you a bad attitude with ur marriage or inlaws at all. believe me i would NOT do that. im just telling you what i would have done differently. everyone' s situation is different, and i hope you are one of the lucky ones that doesnt have to put up with inconsiderate inlaws, or a mean husband.

i' ll end with one thing, marriage should be a fairy tale ( i used to think this way..lol) but its not. its reality....and with reality comes ups and downs. enjoy the ups, and try to deal with the downs without making urself go crazy!:) Chandra replied. my MIL is the silent but deadly type. I dont know if she' s scared or my FIL or she really does agree that he is always right.

but it seems like she' s always has a problem, with what i eat, if i take a shower.....little things, that make NO SENSE.

i used to WANT to live with my inlaws....now, i dont even wanna be near them.

husband is the same way....

dealing with people like this...not for me. im just happy on my own now. let your husband chase after you a bit. let HIM want YOU more then you want him. Namita replied. yes, all are right in saying there are also good people in this world .. i have quiet few examples where MIL treat their DIL as daughter and in some if not as daughter then atleast in a good manner .. so dont worry it wil only spoil ur realtion with them ..no need to analyse them ..n never speak to ur husband however close u are with him abt the dual mind on his mother ... bcoz in future if anything happens he vl definately blame u tht u had bad thoughts abt my parents from begining so u r behaving this way

now how to behave with them:

1) never try to be extra goodie with them be urself
2) never try to pls. them by doing extra ordinary things or giving presents
3) even after marriage dnt over load urself with work (this is my personal experience)
4) even if u feel tht she is at home n u r working so if u have time then u vl try to finish all work n go ... NO .. neve do tht they vl take u for granted
5) for few months do basic things as it is she vl tell u wht work to be done .. if u feel u cant do dont argue avoid doing one or two times as show u r very busy
6) never open ur heart in front of them first judge them bcoz some people like my MIL have habbit to listen to other n never share nything

first judge the people then decide whether to be close to them whether to help them etc. etc.

n this rule is not only for MIL bt with everyone whoever u meet in thsi world Chandra replied. as saheli said, many people are good with their mil' s.

i' ll let you know though, from my experience. I was introduced a guy thru my parents...we talked a lot, got to know each other, and i was like, wow! my dream come true...lol....THEN we got married. I dont want to give you a negative attitude AT ALL. so think of this as more like cautionary advice.

things were really good between me and the husband before we got married, and after we got married, i noticed just HOW close he was to his parents. which would be great, if he didnt listen to them and come rat on me. it was more of a problem with my fil, where he would tell my husband something about me, and my husband would come to me and get very angry. its kinda hard to deal with, because you cant straight up to ur husband and tell him to tell his parents to take a hike and stop getting in ur relationship. my MIL was ok at first, but its not like she helped the situation much. she was like a quiet mouse that was acting so nice, but at the same time, didnt really do anything to prevent the problems.

dont ever complain to ur husband about his parents. dont ever make him choose, in case he chooses them once over some kind of argument, then its hard to win him back.

im not trying to make this like a game, but i went from thinking i had the best inlaws and husband in the world, to pretty much hating that i ever even met them.

PLEASE dont let this discourage you. i have met a lotta people, have many friends and cousins that have been thru little problems here and there....i havent met anyone with NO problems at all...haha...but lets face it, reality is, there is gonna be some kind of argument ONE DAY. just do ur best to prevent the big ones.

good luck with everything:) Saheli replied. Congratulations!

Well, its just the way you perceive!

It' s actually this way ...
Those who are sad/troubled/need help, they come to this site and post. There are many women who are happy in their families even with their inlaws, may be they dont know or dont have a reason to post anything here.
There are many readers on this site who fall in this category, and may be there hasnt been an opportunity ir a reason for them to post!

I m one of the people who has had her share of bad phase with MIL but is now settled, contented and happy.

Dont worry, its good to read that things are great between your folks. Try and maintain.

Have a good life!