Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have posted a lot of my concerns in this forum before.
I got married 4 yrs ago in an arranged way. My H is the only child of his parents. They are dependent on him for everything. We stay with them and our lives revolve around them. I cant go to do stuff that I want to otherwise my MIL and FIL keep me taunting all day which makes my life miserable.My husband never supports me infront of them and I just have to keep quiet listening to everything. I somehow managed to get professionally qualified and have ajob. I am living in aforeign country. I have asked my husband for a separate setting in terms of a house and he is adamant that his life is his parents and no matter what we will live with them. He says that if dislike it I am free to move out of the house and live the way I want to. The only thing that he seems to be concerned abt is his parents though he takes me out on vacations alone sometimes although his parents accopmany us pretty much everywhere. His mom is kinda bossy though she is nice some ways. Most times she wants things her own way. She thinks that her son is close to God and never misses an opportunity to praise him. This at times makes me feel uncomfortable as she always says how lucky I am to have married him.
I feel like I am married to three people.Him, MIL and FIL. I somehow kill my time working. I have never felt comfortable around them and am scared to start a family since I think I am unhappy with this marriage and should not bring another life into existence. But how long can I wait coz I am nearing my thirties. Sometimes Ireally wish to separate from my husband as I think this marriage is not his priority in life and he is open to me walking out of it. I want a man who wants me unlike my H who is fine if I go. We usually fight on issues regarding my inlaws and dont talk to each other for days. So long my marriage has been a rocky road.My parents would not like it if I walk out of it but would undertstand it. But in the indian culture getting remarried again and that too a girl divorcee is really tough, I get scared that maybe I will have to live all my life alone. I can manage living in an apartment but fear that maybe I will live alone my wholelife. Please anyone who reads this please advice, I know we all go thru problems with inlaws but I think this will go on till my whole life and I will have to sacrifice a lot. Am i right in my view. Pl Pl help. aa replied. hi help Priya, Well i am in a similar boat as you, but iam further down the road then you. My relationship with my husb was only good the first 2 years or so(now were are married 6yrs), cuz of parents always interfering...But people told me, kids change men, well we have 2 now, and my hsub is the same (maybe even worse!). He has also NEVER supported me when his parents are yelling at, calling me names, or saying bad stuff about my parents. Infact he says that i started it, but in this house its them against me as always. My parents do support me, but they are far, and how much can they do? I think most of my positive feelings for my husb are gone. When i was preg, my il' s used to casue so many fights btn my husb and me...they swore at my family....i jsut couldnt understand why somebody would make a preg person cry?? So aftet my delivery we had a BIG fight!!! my kids are alot of work, i love them and they are a gift, but yes they are alot of work. But i can deal with my kids, its just my horrible il' s i cant deal with! I wish i had thought MORE about my decision to stay with this family. If i want to leave, husb says we will have to share kids, i dont want my kids to grow up with part time parents. so i am stuck, trapped. SL replied. Hi Priya,
I read ur post over and over. ur problems sounds familiar..many responses tell u tht. But personally i wud tell u to wait to have a child. Its difficult enough to live ur life alone (if ur husband asks u to) imagine how it wud be with the responsibilty of a child. the kid gets torn between the problems of the parents. its not just the emotional thing of raising a kid..the financial burden is also huge. i am moving out with my kid..without ending my marragie and i am really worried/scared/..lot of emotions. I think i wud be much better off if i was alone. the pain wud hv not been less but putting ur child through separation for no fault of his is not right. a kid needs both the parents. women like me are forced to raise a kid alone but thats not what we really wanted. Think about ur marraige. try talking to him about ur concerns or better still if he agrees for counselling that will be the best. counsellors can always guide u and ur husband both on how to work on ur relationship. again u live ur life each day so u really know what u r going through. if possible discuss this with any of your close family..parents or sister anyone who can give u good suggestions as they know u and ur husband too. but if u r not sure about ur relationship then having a child is a huge NO. almost alone replied. helppriya

I cannot advise much as I am also in the same boat, but share my experience.
sometime back when I was married for 4 yrs without any kid, not good terms with husband, many relative suggested plan a kid, husband will change. Even by then I myself started dreaming about growing family.

Now I have been married for 7 years and having a kid of 2.5 yrs. My life is same as before kid, my husband do love child, there is no drastic change in our relationship. Every momemt I feel I am a maid ( or some saint who is always on giving side, without any appreciate or good words). Whenever I see my child feel poor for him, I always try to outdo myself to make kid happy. I am continuing this relationship just because of kid.

I would suggest if your relationship is not matured as he has biased attitude, you should hold on to planning a baby.
first settle your matter than bring child in this world. right now u both have time to understand and know each other better, which should be the foundation for coming life. priority changes once kid is there and you both will require support from each other to run this family.

just my two cent, take decision wisely ! Chandra replied. I read semi' s message, and agree with the fact that, you shouldn' t get divorced only for this reason alone. I KNOW you must be miserable. and that is no way to live. I have the same type of problem, but to a much greater extent. My husband and inlaws verbally and emotionally abuse me. They don' t on a regular basis, but recently, there has been huge arguments, (and i havent said a word to them) where they have yelled at me, called me names...etc. there are a lot more problems in my marriage, so i have come to the conclusion that if it will not get fixed, I will definately leave. Luckily I have my parents supporting me.

For your situation however, and i shouldnt preach because its something i will no longer do in my marriage, but for you, i think you should, show more affection to ur inlaws...even if it is fake. show ur husband that you care a lot about his parents, and make it a point to tell him you do what you do for him. to make your husband happy.

even typing that out makes me cringe.. just because we' re the girls, we have to give in to people like this. but i guess if you want to be happy, make your marriage work, its something that needs to be done.

also, about starting a family. i think that may be a good idea. im not saying have a baby just for the sake of making things better with ur husband, but if you are ready for a child...when the baby does come, i think your husband will definately become closer to you. mind you, i am now pregnant, and my husband is still mean. im just assuming not every man (can i call them men?) is like that.

goodluck to u!

semi replied. Hi Priya
The problme you have described here is a most commom problem of indian sociaty for most of the DIL' s. You might be seeing this kind of post pretty often on this board. This is really hard to understand sometime - why Indian boys are so obsessed with their parents, specially mothers any why their parents let their boy marry to a girl if they cannot stand that girls presence around him? Showing love , respect and resposbilty towards our parents is acceptable and nice thing since we girls do the same for our parents too but there has to be a balance between each relationship. Being obsessed with their parents or mother but being rude and indifferent with their wifves is something can make any girl angry and hurt her feelings. My opinion is that if this is the only thing bothering you than this may not be a good enough reason to end this marriage. You really need to look at other aspect of this marriage too. If your husband is nice enough with you, taking care of his responsiblity towards you and treating you well than as I said this is most common problem in any married indian girl. You also mentioned that your MIL is nice too in certain way so that is another positive sign too. If you compare your situation with some other girls on this board than you will realize that you are not living with abusers and the kind of people who does every thing in their power to make someone life hell. If you Inlaws are nice and understanding people than try to be nice with them and this will impact your husband in postive way and he will have respect and more love for you. If you want to read a very good book on relationship problem. Please read this book. this will guide you in several way and this is one of the best book out there.
\" Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don' t Know Why (Paperback)
by Susan Forward (Author), Joan Torres (Author) \"
Take care, semi