Relationships  Discussion Forum

We’ve been married 2 years. Our marriage was unplanned and happened in a matter of 2 days. My hubby is very loving, caring, understanding and I find him as a good friend. But we do have differences and that’s what brings me here. I got pregnant within 4 months of our marriage and my hubby forced me in getting the baby aborted as he wasn’t prepared for it. No one in our family/friends know about it except the two of us. It was quite harsh and depressing phase of my life and I still do regret that decision of mine for aborting my baby. During this phase only I came to know about his pre-marriage affairs which was not confined to one. He tried keeping friendship with those girls but after rebelling he took a back step. To tell you the truth, I still feel guilty for taking such a step against him as in hearts of hearts I know he will never betray my trust. My IL’s also came to visit us and stayed with us for 6 months. During this time- my husband and I became more distant with each other coz of the day to day nagging that my MIL used to do. She did a lot to make me feel low and scrape my confidence. She also complained my SIL about me, which I came to know from her recent visit.

I am more of a sulking kind, who will take everything and not disclose anything that I feel, but it somehow reflects on my face. At least my husband can judge that I am hurt. With so much happening in a matter of 2 years, I have got too depressed, I feel low all the time. I have started raising question about my identity. I have become so pessimistic that sometimes I feel that I should run off or get my husband married to one of the girls he was dating earlier. Recently a lot of fights have started happening between us cause of me. Even a small little caring gesture towards his family hurts me. My SIL is pregnant and when I saw my husband running on every single thing she demanded, I felt bad, terribly bad! I compare how I went all by myself to the doc just to confirm my pregnancy and how he is responding to his sister’s demand’s now. These are small things but it leads to major fight between us. I’ve almost asked him 100 times to divorce me, which he says is no solution.

About 4 months back we decided to start a family. This time my husband said yes to the thought but because of the recent fights I am now doubting myself. I recently asked him again if he was sure to go with the plan, to which he also sounded skeptical. I seriously now feel that I am not the right girl for him and feel like killing myself. I don’t know but getting separate is the first thought that comes to my mind but I know hearts of heart that I cant take that either as he is the love of my life! What should I do? I don’t feel like talking to him or coming close 2 him right now either. I am irritated mostly all the times. I know I do love him and want him to be happy and I don’t know what to do to correct all of this! Please help!
NRI replied. Hi,

By Reading your problem i can tell you one thing, for what ever reason you think you are the problem for everything. Pls change that attitude and be +ve. You need to find something motivates you. People date for some years and when they marry they divorce with in months. In indian marriages family bonding supress all kinds of problems which is good. one more thing you the relationship b/w MIL and you it is bound by the law of nature there is no surprise, they try to dominate and say something, Its just that you have to understand its the nature of the relationship.

I would suggest talk to your husband spend more time with him and see how you feel.

Good Luck Ritika replied. Hi Sad,

Don' t be too harsh on yourself by judging your every thought and action.

First thing - if there are no Indians around, then go and talk to Americans. Yes, they might not understand Indian domestic dynamics much, but you don' t need to talk to them about your marriage or in-laws. Talk to them about latest movies, books, Indian food, what did they do in the holidays..share recipes..share hobbies...show an interest in their lives...go out for lunch with them...and then maybe you can find one or two people who seem to understand or relate to you a bit...

I would again urge you to go for counseling. A lot of times, a professional can look at us and our behavior and weed out what is the destructive part and what we can do to improve our lot.

To answer your questions -

1) Yes, I would feel bad if I' m made to feel that my husband is too good for me. But I will not keep quiet at that. The person who says such a thing to me I will smile and tell him/her 2 things - One that my relatives also feel that I' m too good for my husband. Everybody is partial to their own relatives. Two, I will make it a point to mention that \" But your husband is also too good for you..what did YOU do to win him?\" or if it is a woman, then I would reverse the gender...but do you get my point? These kind of mean comments happen because we accept and listen to them..the other person gets more courage to speak more rudely the next time...so the first time a person says anything rude to me, its usually the last time...

2) If my SIL told me that I did not take care of her mom, then I would reply that I' m deeply hurt by all of them. That I did everything I could for her, and this is what I have to hear at the end of it?!! Your mom was the one who kept on nagging me and created so many fights between me and your brother..but none of you will look at that. Plus MIL' s are never satisfied. If I were to talk to your MIL, I' m sure she will have a litany of complaints about you...

As for my husband, I will pointedly ask my SIL, to ask her brother how much I did for your Mom. Then turn to my quiet hubby and say - \" did I not cook for your mother, did I not do laundry, did I not take her around, did I not....blah blah\" Why are you so quiet? Why is it so hard for you to acknowledge the truth when it is only to defend me.

Basically, I would not take all this lying down.

3) Making you wait for hours? Yes, I will feel bad, but the next time he gets mad at me for being late by 10 min, I will specifically remind him of the previous incident. That how you ignored him being late for so long and did not get mad at him and when he is in a similar position, then he could not control his temper.

4) If your husband does not let you buy anything without his approval, then go shopping sometimes without him my dear. You do not have to tag along with him every time. And if he keeps ridiculing your shopping choices, then say firmly that you bought it because you loved it and can he please respect that.

But hey, these are just small incidents in the big scheme of things. The relative who demeans you or your SIL or your husband being late do not happen every day, does it? So after these incidents are past and after you have spoken your mind (different from being rude btw), try to put it at the back of your mind.

If you are gone from 6 am to 7 pm, you are barely meeting your hubby for 3-4 hrs in the evening...rather than fighting with him, have some good times with him...

When was the last time you two had fun together? In the evening, get a take out and a movie...go to the mall and do window shopping.

On the weekends, go some where near by for a picnic etc...stop brooding so much.

When people say mean things to me, I also feel bad..but I also make a determined effort to do something to divert my mind from that hurt..because if I keep thinking of it, then I am harming myself. How can I make some one else happy, when I am myself not happy.

Do you have any hobbies? If not, then develop one. Reading books, beading, etc..whatever you like doing..and start exercising!! Ritika replied. Hi Sad,

Please, please do not have a baby right now.

You seem so depressed..have mood swings...have thought of killing yourself...keep on asking your husband for a divorce etc...This to me, sounds EXTREMELY unhealthy environment for a child.

First resolve your own personal problems and then think of a baby. Having a baby is not just fun and games and a recipe for getting your husband to yourself. It takes a tremendous amount of emotional and physical toll to take care of a small baby. And with so much tension already in your married life, don' t add to it.

You need to start working my dear because I think you have got too much time on your hands to think about so much. Nearly everybody has in-law problems, but if your hubby is usually supportive of you, then why do you want him to break of all contact with his parents/siblings? If your husband asked you to break of all contact with your parents, would you do that??

You personality might be such that \" you take in everything and not disclose anything\" , but if it is seriously impacting your marriage, then get up and change that trait. It is also harming you, so actively change yourself. When ever you start clamming up, tell yourself that this is not what you should do..then talk to your husband about what disturbed you..and then leave it at that...

And please, stop talking about divorce like it is going to the supermarket.

Go for some counseling to get over your feeling of guilt over the abortion and your depression.

Get a job to occupy your mind from otherwise all negative thoughts.

Stop focusing on your husband so much for your happiness. It must be stressing both you and him out. Go out and make some friends, go to the library, develop a hobby, join a dance class..anything. Get out of the house and walk for an hour everyday.

I' m sure all this will make you feel positive. king uncle replied. Dear Sad,One very positive point in your situation is thatyou are able to understand your own behaviour and criticize your own attitudes.create one or two very good friends.If you cannot create then track one or two old firends.This will help you to share your feelings and become relaxed.Your feeling about abortion is justified as and abortion scars a females physically and emotionally.Stop fighting with your husband completely.There are many methods to control anger and best is to go for meditation.Remember words said in anger creates nales in the mind.You can withdraw the nails but the holes remain forever.Try to become close to SIL.Extend your family as this is the right time.males get bogged down by financial status to start the family.But things gets changed when child comes in.Beleive me! Somewhere your frustration of not having a child is showing up.Mothering is an emotional and fulfilling aspect of a female.if it remains incomplete it creates some emotional disturbance.Forget about her girlfriends.You are looked upon if you have more girlfirends and every age has its own rerquirments.So:
i)Do not fight
ii)try become your husbands friend
iii)Cultivate a hobby and persue it
iv)Go for family expansion
My best wishes Srey replied. I don' t blame you. You been though a lot. But, you know what, try not to think about the past. People do change. Though, we are not a parents(yet)...It' s so beautiful seeing a father playing with his child. I bet your husband would like that. Heck! I am so jealous seeing DH playing with my nephew, can you imagine how happy he' ll be if, it was his own?

I don' t know. Being parents may and maynot change your current relationship with your husband. Though, I must admit....your relationship just seemed not as severe. He was stupid to have let you got that abortion.(no offense) but, why bring a child if you' re not ready, right? Anyway, don' t rush. You' re tired of seeing him, that' s okay. Everyone need their space. You need to be apart of this baby making process too. Unless your hubby planning on carrying it himself. LOL.

Best of Luck. =)