Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi dddd and sumathi
even my story is pretty much similar to yours. My husband is a shameless person on his abusive acts. Nothing affects his mind or him. He does not even trun back his neck after severely abusing me and no matter if I die with cry. My MIL and his siblings says that he is all right with them so they don´ t care , how cruel he is with me. My parents and brother tried to make him understand but nothing goes in his mind. He says clearly that I will not provide anything to her (me) and will not treat her well. she is free to leave me. He is the most abusive, mentally sick and bipolar disorder person I have seen in my life. He is always angry with me and does not talk. He has withdrawn himself completely from me to abuse me. He does not work. has no friends, no ambition in life other than abusing his wife 24 hr. I have tried my best with love, patience, support, plead and what not. He is stone hearted inhuman person. Not sure what to do? I did all to save this marriage but he is not changing even a bit. He has no feeling for me. I really don´ t know why he has been abusing me from last 12 yr. and my inlaws has no intreast to tell anything to their son. I feel extremly depress when I see my other friends and relative´ s happy married life. I am loosing even faith in god who has give me so much pain by putting me in this abusive marriage with no fault from my side. I don´ t even remember talking to anyone in loud voice from my childhood and had every thing to get a good boy.. ? Not sure why god decided to punish me so much..
semi.

Thank you dd (it sounds like dhidhi though you are younger to me:-) I was feeling so upset today. My husband removed voice mail system in his cell phone. So i couldn´ t leave any message for him. When i went around his apt. i saw all the windows were closed but lights were there. This is how his apt. appears since last few months which is very unusual. He looks more withdrawn, even his colleagues say that and i feel very sad about it. Yet i can do nothing about it. This uncle calls me every now and then and assures me that things will fall in place. Still there is no sign of improvements from my in-laws side. (by the way i enquired if there is any black magic involved in my case and found out none). Your mail made me better. Are you also from my state (wow)! I will try to see billa, i like ajith :-)

I think you can write a thesis on these people´ s psychology. You have understood them perfectly. That is very important. Otherwise we would spend time in hoping for changes in them, which will never happen. They say anjil valayathathu ambathil valayuma. These people are too old and too rotten to change for good. God alone can change, that too with a miracle.
Your story and mine are almost similar in many ways. There is no wonder as abusers have common traits :(
I wish we both stay in the same city or in near vicinity so that we could see and talk. I watched bee movie, it was nice too. Take care.

Hi dddd
I myself was thinking about you, but i don' t have any new improvements in my side to share. My sil' s husband' s uncle is helping me in settling this matter. My in-laws are still in US in my sil' s home. That uncle is writing letters to my sil' s husband about what had happened and how things should be made straight for the better future of my baby. Because my in-laws generated so many lies that i was the one who wanted to have divorce and so on. They knew to play mind games and my sil' s husband believed them. Now only he is realizing the truth. That uncle is even giving pressure for my in-laws to return back to india.
My husband was not in town for 2 weeks. I guess he must have visited his family. I tried to reach him, now he even cut the voice message facility. No replies to my emails too! That uncle is my only hope for getting my husband back. I am just waiting and observing things. I didn' t do anything for new year.
How are things at your side? Have you started working?

HI dddd and sumathi
wishing both of u a veyr happy new year and to pooja too. I am back from india trip. My family tried to solve my matter with my abusive husband but he told shamelessly that she can leave me but I will not change. I will merry to new girl and will work for her and will provide everything to her. He is the most sadest and mentally distorted person I have ever seen. He blame me for every single thing and his failure. He has no remorse for abusing me severely for 12 yr. I guess it is time for me to take a decision. I will write more to you guys soon. got some jetlack.
take care
semi

Thank you for such a wonderful letter. You know i am yearning to read your mails because it gives so much of consolation and strength to me. May God Bless You for Your helps!
My husband went to india couple of months ago. This uncle and my husband had a quarrel about this issue in front of the entire relatives circle. The fact is all my husbands relatives, their neighbors back in india everybody knew about this. One of the neighbors even called my in-laws from there and told them what they did to me and my baby was wrong and should fix it soon. My in-laws stopped talking to him also. They are avoiding every contact.

This uncle continuosly bugs my bil and conveys messages to me. I don´ t know how my in-laws are going to face the lot when they return back. They really are too adament, no fear for God, no fear for relatives or public.

When they sent me out this entire city helped me. I did´ t have any money. Everybody gave me food, clothes and so on. My in-laws didn´ t visit any of the indians here and were staying in the apt. like house arrested. For them that kind of life is ok. Accepting their mistake or taking a positive step is harder than leading a secluded life.
When my family questioned they were spinning stories, even about my conduct :-( I guess they would do the same after their return to india. When i went to my home in US, my fil was telling he would go back to india and spoil my name. To me that is better than spoiling my life. I strongly believe truth always triumphs. My baby was just 6 months old then and my mil grabbed the baby from me. My baby was clinging on to my shirt and crying. I can never forget this cruelty in my entire life.

Ever since i got the custody back and i am taking care of her, she has become more social. I am also seeing lot of improvements in her. She is 14 months old now. She walks and talks a few words. Atleast she is safe now.
I am praying to God to give atleast some sense, some humanity to my in-laws.

Thanks for the reply. You know sometimes I feel it would have been better if I had a love marriage.Becoz then we know what our husbands are.I guess it wasnt meant to be.Being in such marriages its always should have could have would have.
Now that uncle you mentioned knows and your SIL´ s in laws know . it wont be long before everybody knows. I mentioned about my relative right. Her in laws and husband drove her to her parents house telling her parents to drive some sense into involving and respecting in laws. They just wanted their son alone and not baggage of DIL and grandkids. The poor girl stayed for 3-4 months at a time in her parents place. Then the last time her parents were getting tired of this and didnt send her back . Earlier times they sent her back themselves after 3-4 months of stay.Then her in laws were scared of relatives and friends and called her back themselves. Imagine last time she was sent back her kid was only 6 months old and she stayed for 4-5 months in her parents house. That time the husband didnt even look at his kid. Such was her in laws hold on the son. But ultimately now she is happy and staying alone with her kids and husband.For this it took her 6-7 years.
Husbands are usually immune to any emotions especially from wife.If its their sister or mother they will jump right in.In my in laws especially sons want all the benefit of being married. Clean house,Good home food all the time.All the support from wife . But no wishes of her. She should be always worried about husband and not have any wish of her own. But for their sister she is a poor woman who thinks of whole family and should be working and independent.
It seems like your in laws are enjoying the setup now.Son is fine with them so everything is fine.No worry of DIL or grandkid.What evil minded people ,they forget that son is not having his married life.Will they do the same with their daughters.After getting their sons and brothers married,suddenly all their possessiveness comes to full force. Its not you or me they just dont like any other girl in their sons or brothers like.How long can in laws avoid us. Sooner or later their own relatives will start gossipping. Here it wont have much effect. But if the SIL and husband are here,then the husband will know the SIL and his in laws true color. If not anybody they have to be in good terms with SIL right.

Last year my SIL told if you want to stay in US you can stay let my brother come back on the phone . It was all after the cops thing. So i told her i am married to him ,he stays where i stay or i stay where he stays. He is not coming without me.This great female went to my parents and told them we are trying to make his marriage work. Doesnt it take husband and wife to make it work rather than the others. But she told me send my husband back and i stay here.All in laws are like this. When we get married we should be prepared to encounter all such things.Nothing can prepare us fro this. But we should have a good hold on our husbands.My SIL is very very plain looking.Means dark ,short and wears glasses.Her husband is fair ,tall and much better looking then her.But is a henpecked husband.My goal is strangely to follow her footsteps.
Do not lose heart and stop contacting your husband. Send him the baby pictures and keep telling of latest what she is doing.It just takes one moment to crack. If it happens soon with your husband ,all will be well.You in laws have the support of their son.Hence they can be stubborn and do as they wish. I cant believe your SIL and MIL being women are party to this. But then my SIL was too.That uncle and now your SIL´ s husband have seen whats the truth. Soon your husband will too.Being the wrongdoers in laws want everybody including DIL and her parents to agree to what they say.Your in laws atleast stopping talking to that uncle.Now wonder that person felt cheated.Of all the people how is your SIL´ s husband reaction to this after the uncle´ s talk .Maybe he will be able to convince your husband.

What did your in laws tell your parents?
My in laws went and told my parents that their son was stressed and hence he abused and I overreacted by calling the cops. I just told them when they said same to me that tell the SIL to do the same and expect their daughter to be supportive.

Dont lose heart. Keep contacting your husband. In any way possible.If we want something we should make the effort.Good things will happen only after a long time. But for evil it doesnt take a min. I wish that was reversed.
Thanks for the wishes.
Take care of you and the baby.

It is hard to know the objectives of such husbands (born to abusive in-laws) when they ignore us. We keep wondering whether they don´ t like us or they just want to avoid us to escape from one more problem, since they already have to deal with their parents and siblings. Your mail reassures that the second speculation may be true. The more i say i want to live with my husband the more courage he might get to speak against his parents. Yes, this uncle is a really nice person - one good soul in their family. Even my sil´ s mil is very supportive of me. My in-laws and even my bil stopped talking to her and the uncle eversince i came back to us. That uncle took responsibility and sent me back to us with the baby. My parents-in-law assured him that i will be re-united. But when i came here they took the baby and drove me to the streets. That uncle was very upset and felt cheated. Still all my parents-in-law could do is stop talking to him and nothing else. I am wondering what is their basis for their stubborness after lying to their own relatives. I will keep trying to talk to my husband. Thanks for the advice.

I wish you all the best for your interview.

Regards
Sumathi

The positive approach from your SIL´ s husband ´ s uncle is really very good news.Atleast some one from your in laws side know the real story. Otherwise its the story in laws weave to their family. They will claim themselves to be victims and we the wrongdoers.It always people like SIL´ s husbands who are ideal husbands whereas our husbands will be still stuck to their moms and sisters. My SIL´ s husband is worse. He tried to scare me into going back last year. Even in his sleep he will sing praises of his wife.Pity my husband hasnt learnt the same.your husband´ s BIL is far better than mine.Its really good.Hope the pressure put by that uncle works and your in laws return.
Coming to your husband do not stop mailing or calling him. Persistence pays. I did it to my husband and didnt let my in laws influence him to more harm. Once your husband realizes u wont budge he will see your side.one of my relative´ s husband was a big momma´ s boy. She suffered thru hell for a long time and 2 children. Until one day she talked to her in laws in front of her husband and told them either she her husband and kids will move out or in laws move out. I was surprised that husband didnt say anything and now she is happy. Her husband used to worship the place his parents walked.
do not worry. Now the uncle knows soon everybody in india from your in laws family and sil´ s husband´ s family will know.Sooner or later the pressure will mount on your in laws to seek you for reunion.
Dont worry when it mounts to such extreme the son or the in laws themselves will separate.
Things are same from my side.I havent started working but will take my 1st interview midweek. With my husband b/n jobs new year was just okay.
How old is your daughter. Is she talking and walking?
Take care and lets hope happiness seeks us soon.