Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have been a silent reader ! Sometimes I read problems faced by others girls, I tend to think I am not only one in this world…today I need advice from you girls.
I got married about 4 years back have 15month baby…..never had chance to live with my husband thought out the year, he stays aboard works there, due to legal immigration problem due to my in-laws ( my farther in-law had surgery and they had to depend on disability financial support form the Govt. and my husband had sponsored them…Now govt wants my husband to pay huge money before he cud sponsor me. We have challenged the immigration and case is for hearing anytime next month. I understand he is helpless though he is making all effort sort this issue.., meanwhile my FIL again had surgery about 7 month back….my Husband is really disturbed…due to this he behaves horribly with me. He was here with me for more then six month just after his father’s surgery he in fact resigned his job to be with me and my baby. All this 4 years he quit his jobs often to be with me (he stayed one month a year). I really respected him and was worried about our future.
But this time when he was with me for 6 month…he made my life yell…one month he was fine, then started…he use to say he does not need breakfast, then suddenly he starts shouting at me for not making breakfast…when I make breakfast, he does not eat…if I force him or even request he says mind urself , why disturbing me!
Same with lunch….i need to prepare so many dishes…..with no help…he cleans baby’s potty, play with her…but not more than 5mins, he says baby is crying so u handle baby and don’t cook….if I don’t listen to his words he screams like hell. I need to just stop whatever I am doing in kitchen and sit with baby….he use scold me in front to my maid who just comes to wash clothes and clean house every morning.
I cannot imagine me being stripped in midnight and he was asking me to get out of the house just because I was too tried for making love…..I begged him since it was midnight and he hit me so badly on my neck…I was too worried if my parents come to know, my mom is patient and my siblings are younger to me…..last august was climax…he was angry with my uncle and to take a revenge he first asked to make my baby sleep…then he pulled me to hall and hit so badly from 11.30 PM to 3AM I was beaten for every word I spoke….he switched on the Iron box…luckily he did not use iron box to torture me. He locked all bathrooms, kitchen so that I cud not use anything. He said badly about my family whole night ….if I ask him why u says so…he hit me with belt & kicked me for every word I spoke. Thanks to my baby, she woke crying for milk and my husband too cooled little bit…I waited for morning, I called my mom and told her what happened….meanwhile pervious night while my husband was sleep I managed to collect his passport, ticket all his cash cards….since my aunt was lawyer, we managed to him hook legally. He gave up and apologized in front of my family and he broke down saying he his parents back home have created hell…but cannot afford to abandoned them, neither my parents or me till date have never asked him to abandon his parents. In fact I always make a point to encourage him that parents are important and I’m willing to wait! In spite me giving all support he cooks up some or other issues…..Now he is back to his home country….now he tortures he mentally on phone…
, he abuses for silly things...like today when we were discussing abt stock....he is into stock trading...since he is in overseas, i need to update him the price...any single mistake I make while communicating...he talks all rubbish on earth, and says u don’t have concentration may be u are sleeping with some one (endless stories he cooks up everyday). In day at least he will call me 3 to 6 times in his night time to fight with me. Even if I am in bathroom I need to talk to him…I cannot give excuse…even if I am cleaning my baby I need to leave baby with my mom and talk to him. Everday I hear my phone rings…I need to prepare my self for torture…he will just wait for an opportunity to corner me. I don’t know how to deal. I told him that if u going to continue. Then i have divorce. He says he going to challenge in court for baby' s custody. And prove that I am not fit to be mother and I am in depression…I need to listen to him, if I backanswer he terms me as Sick person.
Keeping in my mind abt my husband' s character...i am not able to decide my future..my parents are very upset with my marriage..I have lost confidence in life..i use to be courageous and very active in whatever i did.. Last few years my life with my husband is torture. i quit my job 2year ago...we have 15month baby….I tght if we have a baby may be he will change…but nothing is going right for us.
I am eldest in my family..if I divorce …my family will be broken…I don’t know what to do...







Frnd replied. I think your hubby is disturned in his job or becoz of his parents etc. or may be he is mentally sick. It takes a big heart and lot of efforts but just for the sake of ur daughter and ur future seek some advise from some doctor or try getting him some treatment like why he is doing all this. If he not interested in u, then leave him and take a divorce but if he is suffering all this becoz of some problems or other issues in his life, try getting him treted, if I were u and I really love my daughter an dspouse, i wud try atleast one year to improve him. Rest is ur decision. Ritika replied. Hi RM,

I' m so sorry to hear your story!! Just hearing about it makes me feel depressed. I don' t know how you are taking it.

Anyways, here are a few of my thoughts on this -

1) I don' t think your husband will change his abusive behavior in future also. He might change his tactics...but an abuser most often than not remains an abuser.

2) Go and get a job. Start earning.

3) Get hold of a good divorce lawyer. Ask your aunt for referrals. Let your husband threaten you with custody etc. Just because he says so, doesn' t make it so. More often than not, the courts side with the mother specially when the child is so young. Your husband is the one staying away from the baby. He is staying abroad. Has left you and the baby in India for the last several years. Beaten you and abused you in front of the baby. Get a voice recrorder on the phone...The next time he abuses you, record all his conversation. The next time he beats you, get pix of your bruises.

Your lawyer would be better able to advise you on what to do.

3) Don' t think too much that your family will be broken by your divorce. I' m sure your current state is not exactly blissful for them. People are more resilient than we give them credit for. This is about you being abused. Nobody likes being divorced, but heck, its better than being punched and kicked and treated like garbage every day.

4)Never, ever do the mistake of bringing another child into an abusive marriage. Children are not band aid. They are living human beings. If you cannot handle your husband' s abuse, why bring a small child into it???

Anyways, what is done is done...don' t let that man abuse you further. Get a grip on your life. Get a job, become financially independent. Tell your husband very clearly that if he yells at you or abuses you, you are not going to talk to him any more. Keep the phone down if he keeps yelling. You are under no obligation to listen to his screaming and yelling.

Staying with such a man will only make you mentally stressed out for life. You have this life that God has given you and I' m sure he meant for you to be happy. So don' t sacrifice it because of some man who loves to abuse you.

If you were me or my sister, I would tell you to get out of that marriage. Now.

What is your parents take on this btw?? Haven' t they heard and seen enough?? What are they waiting for?? Foryou to break a bone before they take this threat seriously???? Why are we as Indians so tolerant of domestic violence and abuse???

God! I just feel so helpless and frustrated right now.

Wish I could help you. *hugz*

Take care..
Ritika

dddd replied. RM,I dont know what to say.Its like deja vu. I was in an abusive marriage until 2 yrs back. I will say toughen your heart and please leave your husband.If you still want to be in this marriage,please separate temporarily. Maybe for 2- 3 months or 6 months. Dont encourage any violence or any mental torture from your husband. I have been in your place and keeping quiet will only encourage them.If you look at my earlier posts u will get an idea about what i am saying.Please take care of yourself and your baby. You need inner strength to get thru this. We women are more powerful than we think.Sit back and think for sometime and you will be able to decide your future.Just think of your baby. Tomorrow she will grow up and see this and get effected.I understand the pressure is on from everywhere.I will say try for temporary separation,it might help.
Take care and post back. snow_maple replied. i think divorce is better option for u,, as for people u can say that ur husband just played with u for 4 yrs and did not take u with him... i dont think he is going to change... but i m not discouraging or anything ... u deserve a better life than this