Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I have been a silent reader on these boards and have been going through the advice you gals give out to a lot of posts here.

I have a problem which is quite similar to a lot of you gals here. Its been almost 2.5yrs taht I ahve been married and I have a 1yr old daughter now.
But my husband is very critical of me. He keeps telling me all the time that he is unahppy since he has married me and i am not what he had expected. He keeps critising me and my parents for everything he feels is wrong right from type of bed sheets and covers my family uses does not match his liking.
After hearing to constant critisism if i try and point out his wrong doings he hits me back.
This has been happening from the time we got married. His parents have been encouraging his violent behaviour and feel nothing wrong in the way he behaves.
Even when I was pregnant he used to push me hard and when his mom saw his outburst she yelled at me asking me not to provoke him.
I feel these 2.5 yrs of life has been a hell and i am tempted to step out but then I feel what am i going to do all alone. Though I am working and financially self sufficient I feel at least he is good to my daughter and takes all the financial responsibilities of the household. So I back out.
I take heart thinking that there are worse husbands tahn this... but some where now i am breaking down and going in depression. I feel very lonely.
My husband had moved to a different city when I went for a delivery to my mom' s place for better prospects. 3 months back I have moved to this new place with him to save my marriage and now in a new city, with a new job and where I do not know anyone I am feeling all the more depressed. I m finding it difficult concentrating on work too and making mistakes all the time.
Pls advice me how do i tackle my situation....

Thanks a lot!! semi replied. Hi Anas mom
I agree with rest of the people here. Mental abuse is as bad as physical abuse because you are in as much pain, fearful, helpless and depress as you could be with physical abuse. If you husband is treating you with anger , rage, showing tamper tantrums with no remorse than it is clear sign of his abusive behavior and character disorder. This book would be a eye opener for anyone who is suffering with abusive relationship. IF you get a chance or order it on web - please get it and read it. It will answer to all your question. This is one of the best selling book in USA and advised by most of the consulers to read.

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don' t Know Why (Paperback)

by Susan Forward, Joan Torres

Find this book on Amazon and read the feedback – it is an excellent book!!!

This would be your bible or life saver book.
Namita replied. to kumar,

i m not asking her to ignore abuse and to your question, yes, i feel that even if a person loves the other person and at the same time can behave abusively. This can happen. There are various reasons. Influence of parents, job pressure, financial pressure there are lots of reason ... one reason can also be his nature

so she should understand the prob. and ask him to understand it

i mean ofcourse her husband should be ready to control his anger. if he is doing this act out of anger than she can help him to control it and he should try this by himself.

But one more thing i want to mention is, as Anas Mom said that he is very friendly and good to outside world but abusive in home. This is something alarming. Y is he doing this? as he gave ans. to her that she dont fit the crietria, she shud clearly ask him whether he wants to workout for marriage to get better or no. if he is not at all ready then she shud move out. No need to stay in such relation where you are not been respected. Anas Mom replied. Actually he does realise that what he does is wrong but he cannot control his temper. When he cools down he is ok.
At times I think that is his nature. What surprises me is how he handles himself outside home.
He is such a well behaved and friendly guy to the outside world but at home he jsut behaves like this.

And then its difficult for me to understand this change of personality. I have tried talking to him if theres something taht disturbs him and what answer i get is He dows not feel I meet his criterias as a good life partner. But when i ask him to point out what he means in specific he has no answers. Surprisingly ours was not an arranged marriage purely. We met through a matrimonial portal talked to each other discussed things and only afetr we both had decided on it that we conveyed it to our parents and got married.

These problems started sometime in between the engagement and the marriage but we thot they were circumstantial and will smoothen out. But things have been going from bad to worse with each passing day!! king uncle replied. Nothing can justify the abuse .So do not take it anymore.Whatever you do not want you willl never get.So be strong and do not take any abuse.No reason can justify his action.
Always give a relationship some chance.If there are people telling you to di certain actions then people with low will power/convictions get influenced.Your husband was probably in such influence.You are in new place and you can try to make everything right as much as possible,Forget the past.Become his true mate.take interest in his profession and have topics of discussion in line with his intersts including sports.Go out on weekends.Have enjoyble sex .have a good time with your daughter.When you are in discussion mode talk to him about his unacceptable behavior and reasons for doing so. Sometime make him realise that it is not right.Things might change for the good depends upon how you take it.

If nothing works out move ahead.What is most important is selfrespect.Your selfrespect should not be hurt in the relationship.You are young and lot of life is ahead of you.There are all seasons in life.Autumn is there and so is spring.My best wishes Advisor replied. Hi dear friend,

I agree with Kumar here. How can one physically abuse a person whom he is in love with? Having said that based on my experience with the people, I have seen that men are more agressive than women and Indian culture if not supports, accepts physical abuse to an extent.

Is your marriage an arranged marriage? If thats the case then your husband is having a problem accepting you because of his parental influence I guess. Also he might not be used to a female talking back based on his upbringing.

Think again, if you really want to be in this marriage then you need to shut your mouth and don' t pay any attention to what he is saying until you have a strong bond with him. If it feels like its taking forever then its your call on how you want to spend your life. Namita replied. Good that u r no more with IL' s ... atleast no one is here to support his abusive behaviour .. now u have chance to express ur feelings to him ... show him how much depress u feel with his behaviour .... tell him how happy 3 can live together, instead of comparing or commenting on ur family ... u can do this

live smart and happy ... when u r in office just forget abt. ur husband though it is difficult but atleast in office u can live peacefully, then y are u dragging those thoughts and creating prob for u

who looks after ur child? its positive that ur husband have taken u with him to the new city ... this means he loves u, try to understand his behaviour .... n pls. say NO to abuse Kumar replied. Dear Anas mom,

I am tired of hearing that the abusive husband is a very good father!

Damn it, every human male is naturally expected to be so, the one who is not is an animal at best! So thats not the criterion for Divorce or stay in marraige.

Any abusive husband needs to be given an absolutely credible threat that the wife may ACTUALLY leave him and in addition he may have to pay child support!

As long as you refuse to do the above, be happy in the emotionally, physically and possibly also sexually abusive marriage!

Marriage CAN NOT be a lisence to rape!

Wake up, talk to a counselor and then to a lawyer. Give him what he deserves, do whatever it takes.

Yes I am angry and the outburst is surely not to you, but our damned societal attitude! Please do post again.