Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Friends,

I have written about my problem earlier too but now it is high time. I am in dilemma about the on going situation at my home. Please read my post dated 23.08.2007. We had a showdown on Sunday and my MIL badmouthed in front of my relatives and hubby. Even at one point of time I thought of committing suicide as my hubby said “ my kids would be better without me “ in front of MIL.

The problem started in the morning my hubby asked to cook omlette without letting MIL know anything …they are orthodox Brahmins and no cooking of egg etc in our home . I closed the door of my kitchen and did the same and we all had bread omlette breakfast . she came to know somehow and started shouting like a mad woman bla blah blah she said we are Brahmins and this girl has ruined our dharma . Further she said that I have purchased her son otherwise he would have never married to me. I felt so bad . How could she speak so cheap. Though as a matter of fact I never wanted to marry my hubby but as he loved me deeply and was really nice I decided to do so . He persuaded me to get married I did not . He was nothing when I married me ..Jobless, thin nothing . he got the job because of my sincere efforts .

My hubby is the best human being but gets carried away by listening to all nonsense. He hates all this cat fight and shouted at me to shut up and go away from the home..though unintentionally . that hurt me the most he has never spoken in that tone and because of my in laws he said my kids would be better if I die . thing that hurt me the much . my son hit my MIL with bat as she was shouting at me and she got more furious and ran to hit him back .

Now I am not communicating to them since Sunday as I am feeling so sad and hurt. I have told my hubby to send them back as I want peace at my home and good relationship with him. My hubby only called upon my in laws to stay with us to take care of kids when are away at work. They want to stay at their native place with my cosis who is of their caste and choice. What should I do I hate to see tension at my home after attending full day job and most importantly how to save relationship with my hubby . He respects his parents and can never reply them back. Should I send my kids to crèche, my daughter is one year old only and son is 3 years old.
Another thing that bothers me my hubby does not save any money and spends lavishly at them but they rarely appreciate.
Tamanna
Tamanna replied. No have taken me wrong. What I opined is physiologically, physically and emotionally girls are different from the boys and this is a proven theory except few exceptions. People tend to have softer corner for girls.

Now if ILs can have softer corner for their daughter than why not for DIL she is also someone’s daughter . She is as fragile, soft and subtle as their own daughter still they differentiate so much when it comes to daughter and DIL. Why so much difference of opinions coupled with the treatment.

I mean to say treat your DIL as preciously as your own daughter . I am not sure of my actions in the old age but I may try to stick to what I said I regard to DIL.

Tamanna
Namita replied. Tammana .... good to hear that u r back to normal .... bt about the differences i still object .. though i never had brother, so i have never experienced this .... bt whtever my IL' s are doing i think it is wrong ... u cant snatch ur son' s money even when u r earning after reitrement and give the reason that i m doingit for u ... did his parents thought abt. his future ... wht kinguncle said that after parents everything is of son .. but who knows ... today they want all money and tommorow if they declare in the WILL that all money goes to their daughter, what will we do? .... today itself they are providing TV, clothing everying to their married daughter then how do we trust them for tommorow

IT' s been 2 yrs. for my marriage they have not even given a hankerchief ... n they get so many things for their daughter ... SO, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TRUST THEM, THEIR ARE LOT MORE THINGS THEY DO FOR THEMSELVES AND THEIR DAUGHTER BUT NOT FOR THEIR DIL Tamanna replied. Hey

As advised i did not say sorry to her and instead not talking to her though performing all other duties. Serving food, milk , fruits etc.

Me and hubby had a nice time saw movie after a long gap just two of us and discussed everything in an amicable manner . He agreed to some points and was quite happy .

My hubby is gem of a person and his presence and my kids are the sole purpose of me being alive .

Now coming to son daugghter relationship even i do have soft corner for my daughter . i feel emotionally more attached to her she is so soft, fragile , big beautiful eyes . My heart skips a beat whenever she looks at me wth those beautiful tender eyes . No words to express her in totality. She is unique and so precious .

My son is aggressive, she is submissive he is rude she is soft he wants to snatch she is always in giving mode ...so much difference in their attitude and temperament . i feel more insecure about her . This could be the reason why we are more soft towards a daughter.
Tamanna king uincle replied. Thanks for your message and advice.The father has special affection for the duagthers but not blind affection.Ragarding all material things of dress,food ,movies etc I never differentiated between my two children.Women have to be strong but male has to be stronger.There are many difficult times for the male which he should bear with foritide.i had seen many children of my frinds unable to sleep without A/cs and move around in cars at much young age.We tend to protect the daughter but we are never partial inbehaviour as this causes problems.Good to hear that you are out of problems.All, I want to say that if you are right sooner or later things will fall in place.Do not break any relatioship in hurry and never think of ending your life.As relatioonships lost cretae a mental scar and life is too beautiful to be lost for small problems. Namita replied. Kinguncle, i dont accept wht u have done ..... y u dnt wnt ur daughter to b strong? will u do this ever: when ur son is earnign 50 thousand a month and get a kurta Rs. 250 once in blue moon u vl tell him that he is waisitng money etc. ... n u vl go and get 2-3 tops for ur daughter

r u making ur son strong by doing this? always tell ur son not to go out for movie as it is waist of money (whereas, ofcousre, they know their son better then me ... he is not atall a freakout type of boy .. he knows the importance of money) and let ur daughter enjoy everything ... ofcourse, daughter never tell her parents that she have seen a movie bt ofcourse u can make out from the timings and when she demands money ever alternate day to buy books (we have also studied) .... i feel this is wrong, infact u shud make ur son/daughter responsible and independent ... my father have never hided anything from any of his daughters ... v know his investments, his property everything

bcoz of my IL' s ... as u had mentioned, indian male ... their parents put lots of things in their mind when they grow .... same was here ... my husband was very diff., very abusive when i married him ... all thanks to my IL' s ... bcoz according to them a men should abuse his wife, shud hit his wife to keep her in control ... his wife should ask him for every small thing .. she shud b in his and IL' s hands ...... n this had affected my early married life ... thanks to God, some how i was able to convince my husband, and he also had feelings that he is lacking behind bcoz of them ... he ws seeing his friends how happy they are i there married life ... slowly he changed

eg: his friend use to reach home in time .... if my husabdn clled him anywhere he use to say no wife is alone i have to go, no my wife vl b waiting i have to go ... n my husband use to feel he is taking toooooo much care of wife, giving toooo much importance

eg: his another friend bought a house near to his wife' s parents though that place is far from his office, very inconvinent ... his friend did this for his wife .... his wife dnt share her money as his friend is earning good ... my husband use to think he is henpecked etc. etc.

but now when he saw world with his own thoughts(not wht his parents use say) he realised wht he is doing ... he was spoiling his life and my life

i thank God .. n pls. dnt make such differences bet son and daughter ... if u r good with ur son ofcourse ur son will take care of u forever

if u want to make ur son realise the pain the life and responsiblities ... u can communicate with him .. bt this differences will only hurt his self esteem king uncle replied. dear namita,My firm beleif is that parents want good for their children but they are human beings.They feel threatened that child may not require them over time and hence they want the child to be dependent slightly for some issues.The mother wants her child to like her food while the father wants the child to depend on him on issues.This is because they have nothing after a particular age.

differnce between son and daughter.I have also done.You want the son to be strong hence you do not create enogh comfort in his life in early ages.Also you know that once you are not there all will of your son.My son used to sleep under fan and travel in 2nd class because I wanted him to beready to face all tough sitauations in life.But I only wanted by daughter to be self sufficient so I gave her more comfort.So people have different reasons behaving in the same way.take care namita, we misss our parents after we loose them but when they are there we have try to provide them happiness ! Tamanna replied. I discussed the matter with my sis also and she said the same thing NO SORRY sweet heart otherwise you may regret your decision later. I do not know but I want him to be happy and for that matter I am ready to bow my head. Now I am reconsidering my decision.

Well my husband wants to stay in joint family so that we can take good care of my in laws. My FIL is diabetic and heart patient too so lots of medicines, tests every month, which they can not manage at their own no mediclaim, no insurance, no reimbursement We 100% financed their operations angioplasty( two medicated stents- imagine the cost 3lacs) of FIL and eye operation of MIL as they had no health insurance. Still they are not happy. My hubby wants to take care of them in old age which is the best thing if they behave normally my demands are not exorbitant but very simple and straight . They should behave normally and enjoy with the kids.

Honestly I love when they giggle/play with kids , teach them stories and enjoy here but on the contrary they feel miserable and always on nagging spree. They say no good company here and they are upset with the way people live in metros. They are also correct as they have spent whole life in a big big joint family in a very small town where Bahu means parde wali, dressed up in saree bindi sindoor , bichhiya, meher something like that . Whereas I wear suits only and saree only on occasions I have short hair which she always despised unlike cosis. They are reluctant to sit in car when I drive them to hospital .

They have their age old traditions, prejudices but time has changed and they have to change accordingly. My FIL is fine but MIL is blunt, shrewd, shouting and always unhappy.

So overall same scenario every where . I do not know what will happen in the evening . Crossing my fingers for the best.
Tamanna

Tamanna replied. Hey Namita it seems as if you have snatched words from my mouth . My MIL is your Mil’s replica .Same thought process, same teachings and similar behaviour. Why cant they treat us equally we are earning better, look good , cook 100% better, devoted to kids and hubby. And most importantly “very simple hearted “ in terms of hubby.

I love my hubby so much and do not want to see him in pain. To make him happy I would have to say sorry to my in laws though it was not my fault and talk to them in neutral tone. But I am feeling hurt by thinking what she said to me and it will take some time to subside. I need time to forget the things. My hubby is persuading me to talk to them as they are elders and should be respected and followed in all the deeds they do . Their behaviour should never be questioned. But I am an independent woman who can distinguish between right and wrong and able to take logical decision. Cant they be wrong . Is it unethical to work and support the family financially? I can not sit in home and discuss/watch those saas bahu serials I loathe them. I have no time when I reach home and mornings are equally demanding.

May be she suffers from inferiority complex otherwise she would have never said those words . Why MIL s curse their DIL who are dearest to their hubby. They should be happy to see us happy the way our parents do. She is engrossed in TV whole day .

A colleague of mine said very nice thing yesterday which really touched my heart “ parents should be treated like your own kids , even if they demand something in the middle of the night fulfill their demand as we do in case of our own kids” . OK I am ready to do the same but not at the cost of my self esteem kids never think dirty and they are so innocent . They should also behave like them and have that purity of heart.

though my concious does not permit still i am planning to say sorry to her .
Tamanna

Namita replied. i agree to wht u have written abt Indian male ... bt y do some parents behave this way, i m saying some bcoz i know few parents who also teach their son wht is his responsiblit towrds his family n wife ... wht is insecurity if ur son is happily married .... y dont they let the couple live there life as they want ..

i m aksing this questions to u, as i find u very experienced and balanced person

My IL' s also want to control our money our life .... they have never even allowed there son to buy a pen for himself, they always use tell him that people vl cheat u, u dnt know how to bargin ... so he grew up with no knowledge abt. handling things, particularly financial ... he was always scare to invest money by himself .. bcoz his father had all the control and never told him where he invest wht he does .... even if my husband use to ask him, My fil use to say u dnt have to bother abt. his and use to ignore his questions .. bt now when my SIL she is in college bt demands things that she wants, n my IL' s provide her wheras my husband says that i never use to buy costly things, my parents use to shout at me, he hardly had few shirts even if he was earning good, bocz his parents use to start cribbing ... bt now we see wht there dauhter is doing every alternate week she will shop 3-4 cloths


now after marriage when my husabnd is handling everyghin they are jealous ... infact they shud b happy ... now he realised wht they did, n bcoz of them he lacked self-confidence and whereas they are treating there daughter at the top of world .... and she behaves as if she is earning

y want to know ... y this difference? what bothers them? infact they at this age are earning more then my husband from diffent sources ... so shud they do this for money Namita replied. It is very difficult to take blames without any of our faults .... even i tried to put my views, in fact explain my MIL in earlier days that wht she was saying is not correct, i do things at home etc. etc. ... bt u know same thing use to happen with me, my hubby use to shout at me in front of them, say bad things and i use to get so hurt, even at times i felt like comiting suicide, he use to hate me bcoz he felt i back answered my MIL, whereas i always use to try to put forward my views ... we feel it is improtant to say bcoz no one shud mis-understand us ... bt MIL create drama' s to create mis-understnding bet. our relations with our DH ... i understood this very well and started ignoring her

now i stopped answering them, giving any explanation ... ofcourse i do say 2-3 thing but very very calmly and with smiling face as if i m talking not fighting and i mention this \" mummy y r u shouting so loudly, whereas i m just talking to u\"

U have to handle things very trickily, for sake of ur relation with ur husaband ... i m sure ur husband didnt meant what he said ... forget abt whtever ur MIL said .... i think ur co-sil have gone back with ur BIL ... good atleast one of ur prob. is solved

IL' s are there to curse us, not to expect good things from them ...

Solution to ur prob.:

From ur earlier mail, i can sense that ur MIL doenst look at ur children .... then let her go back, as u have mentioned this to ur hubby ... u can keep a full time maid or keep ur children in creche, theres nothing wrong in it ... never ever answere back to wht ur MIL says, shut down ur rooms door, put head phone and listen to songs ... if ur MIL bangs on door come out sit in front of her and listen whtever she says, then next day when everythign is calm down talk to ur hubby show him that even if u were quite how ur mother was behaving ... he vl slowly understnd everythign, and he vl ask them to move out .....

dnt fight with ur hubby on this pity issues .... ofocurse this issues break us emotionally and makes us tired mentally and physically but dont let it affect ur relation with ur husband ...bcoz he is the only one who vl stand by u,if time needed, if he also starts cursing u then life becomes difficult to stay at such home

even if u have cook at home make additional special dish this weekedn for ur hubby ... show ur MIL that her dramas wont affect ur relation with husabdn .. help ur husand to forget whtever happned ... bt dont forget to talk to him on what he said, tell him that u were hurt with his words and not to utter such words again, stop the topic here ... he vl get the message, as i think ur husband is understaning ... ignore ur MIL just cook what ur children and husband and u want .. dnt try to please her ... now she dont have ur co-sil, so let her b alone, let her not eat, let her do whtever she wants ... ek din woh line pe aa gayegi .... leave her alone, think as if she dont exist in house .... try to b more happy with ur husband, dnt ever fight in front of her, go for outing coming sunday, whole day only with ur husand and children ...

try ur best to shift ur MIL, as she loveeeeeessssssss her another DIL (ur co-sil) let her b with them ... then u vl b happy as ever
Srey replied. Obvisouly, your MIL have issues. Is she always like this?

If I were in your shoe. Separate from her. Is she able to live on her own or live with someone else?

It' s just too much drama, with her living with you. Yeah, you should hire someone to look after the kids instead. king uncle replied. Dear Tammana,You are going through a painful experience.This experience cannot continue further.Indian male is always torn between the parents and spouse because the parents feed him with much information while he gorws,He always wants to be dutiful son as this is his greatest aspiration of life.Your MIL looks at you as athreat and with insecurity,Talk one to one withstrenngth with your MIL,Tell her that if things become worse only his son and his family will suffer.Ask her why she is having problems and in her old age she will be needing you.She has to be handled and you have to show your strength to her not weekenss.Tell her that you work and are able to run the family.Talk to her for coexistence,If this doesnot materialise we will take the next step.