Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi all,

I need your suggestion frankly about a situation I am facing.We r married for 6 yrs now and we live abroad.My husband is very caring and all but recently I see lot of change in his behavior.I have some problems with my in-laws. Thye dont like me. My husband stayed at diff city for his job for some months. He used tot alk with his parents and SIS alone. His SIS don' t like me or my parents. She always interferes with matters between my parents and in-laws. My husband told that when talked with my SIL she once told all bad things abput my parents that they r not taking good care of my daughter etc.

We gave some x lakhs amount for my sisters marriage. At that time my father told my husband that he will return whatever money we ask them to return. I wanted them to return 1 lakhs and my husband wants them to return 1.5 lakhs.
Since one yr I am saying to my husband that we willa sk only 1 lakh. My father is retired now and they r coming for my secodn baby delivary. My first daughter is staying at my parents house. We didn' t sent any money for my daughters stay since my parents opposed that many times. I wanted to bring some clothes for me and my daughter so I told my parents to purchase that and also We made her some gold chain. the total cost for all these was around 30,000
My parents also has travel expenses like buying luggage sets for 3 people, my shopping, previous shopping etc.
Also they r bringing gold bangles, chain ,luggage sets, clothes for all of our family which costs them nearly 30,000 since gold is not cheap now a days. Now what my husband is saying is let them bare all those expenses and tell them to give me 1 lakh rupees.
I tried very hard to convence him that we will take extra expenses out of those 1 lakh and will tell my parents to return that remaining money.

Whenever we had this kind of situation we both used to discuss very openly and to come to an understanding.
Based on this we had big fight yesterday and he is not ready to discuss anything. He is saying that he told his deceission
and its upto me whether to follow his deceission or not. He alos told that If I won' t follow his decisiion
then he won' t ask or touch the money my parents will give.

I am in a position that I don' t know what to do.
Previously he used to treat my parents wiht good respect but recently his attitude is chaging towards them. My IL' s nd SIL didn' t liked that we gave that much money to my sis marriage. They always say that parents should always give their daughter but they should not accept or expect anything from there daughter. They r kind of stero type people.

Please tell me what' s your openion on this regard? who is right me or my husband? how to convence my husband...


Dd replied. Hi,

Try to reason with your husband and if that does not work, there is one more solution.
make your list of shoping as small as possible. that way u can reduce the expense part & tell your inlaws some reason that u wan' t need those things now or something.
Let me give u example. at the time of my weeding i didn' t want to have lavish weeding bcs my dad had very less saving bcs he was in a job. & but for my il' s it was first marriage in the family so they did not agree for simple weeding and my dad had to break fd' s which he had kept as security for my mom. i & my brother were getting married at the same time. so we both decided to cut down on our shopping part on our own without letting our parent' s know about it and also my brother did not have wedding reception (about which my bhabhi was upset but understood later on.) and also when my husband came to know about it, he told me he will buy me whatever i ask him if he can afford it when i want.

so it will be better if ucan cut down on your shopping list to lessen their burden. your husband is not unfair as he is only asking half of the sum back.
and by letting your parent fulfill his wish u will be able to improve their relations as u said its getting effectd.

Your husband is nice & helped them when required so try to explain to him also that may be it will be strain on your parents at this stage to return all at once but may be they can return some of it after 1 or 2 yrs. Srey replied. This is a tough situation you are in.

I don' t even know where to began. Honestly, When it comes to money....That' s the main reason why couples like you and your DH fight about.

This is something you and your husband have to agree upon. No one is right or wrong in this case. You just have to talk again and again and again with your husband about this.

This is how I see it:

You gave them 1 lakhs for your sister marriage. It' s just a loan to your parents, to pay for your sister wedding right?

The part that is confusing is....Why would your husband as for 1.5 lakhs? Is your husband charging your parents interest or something?

Sorry, just trying to understand your situation a little better. ss replied. Hi,
whether parents or inlaws when you give or take money between people , the relationship becomes more complicated& gets strained.
It was really nice of you & your husband for having lent so much money for your sister' s wedding.Now when the time comes to pay back let them pay it back without holding back anything.if they took 1 lakh from you then let them pay 1 lakh. that is my take on this!.
nextly when it comes to other expenses like travel expenses, jewellery etc.,if your parents can afford them then just leave it as it is ! let them pay for it.when they go back to India from your place you can give them gifts & stuff equivalent to that or almost equal to that..what do you think.
money for money ..gift for gift! that sounds fair!!.
Your husband is a good person for having helped your father in times of need.not many of the husbands will let the wife or himself lend money to the inlaws. I am sure he is a sensible person.
& you should let your parents their dignity & respect with their son in law by letting them return the exact amount that they borrowed nothing less or more.
think about it
frustrated one replied. Let me tell you one more thing when we lent money to my parents I was working. Right now I resigned form my job since I had to move to my husband' s place. Also, my parents told that they will return money and they r asking how much they have to return. So, my husband wants them to return more as I said and all shopping as free and I want to deduct my shopping money from the money my parents owe to us. frustrated one replied. Let me tell you one more thing when we lent money to my parents I was working. Right now I resigned form my job since I had to move to my husband' s place. Also, my parents told that they will return money and they r asking how much they have to return. So, my husband wants them to return more as I said and all shopping as free and I want to deduct my shopping money from the money my parents owe to us. frustrated one replied. Let me tell you one more thing when we lent money to my parents I was working. Right now I resigned form my job since I had to move to my husband' s place. Also, my parents told that they will return money and they r asking how much they have to return. So, my husband wants them to return more as I said and all shopping as free and I want to deduct my shopping money from the money my parents owe to us.