Relationships  Discussion Forum

Yours and my story are same in lots of ways and a different here and there. Even we kept moving from the time we are married. But the difference is he let me keep in contact with his friends wife and my friends. Funny ,he didnt stop me. In fact many times he has heard me tell about his abuse to his friends wife and friends.
Basically his family people are all abusers and to be an abuser and not care to apologize they must be thick skinned. In fact many of his friends have told him and me right in front of him to divorce him immediately.
Although he constantly critized me and scared me.He didnt isolate me.Imposing financial restriction too.My husband' s family want to interact with friends and family but project as tho we are happily married and i am enjoying eating my husband' s money and he is toiling away for me.
Parents discussing son' s private matters in not there here but his sister has to know even intimate details.
My in laws and husband act like wife shud be meant to press husbands feet no matter what but sister shud run the show in her husbands family. Unfortunately she does and is seething she cant ruin my life.All in laws are psychopathic to some extent. They have twisted ideas for dil and modern ideas for daughters.They get away with it for their luck and we are stuck married to such families .pity.
The only regret in my life is i let my husband get away with abuse for so long.for an outsider or in laws its only 2-3 yrs. for me its a scar i cant remove for the whole of my life.Same as how u feel now.
For you the baby is concern and for me ironically there is pressure everywhere that i need to have a kid as i will be crossing 30 next year.we both are in same state. Only difference is you are apart ,i am together.if only i was younger and not beating this 30 clock i would have separated. Now also if i can convince my parents i will go ahead.Although i mentioned to my husband i would not like him to see the baby first.nor be there during labor.i want to enjoy the moment with the baby alone.
Lets see how it goes. Dont worry now is the time you can lay down the rules. Please do it. you and your baby will be relieved. She will be glad u took the right step and you will be glad too.Be brave and tell what u want your husband to do next. if possible go for counselling together.
Please post the development.Take care.

Hi dddd

and I thought only I had abusive husband!!
Having kids didn´ t solve the problem. Do not plan baby if you think you are going to have a stressful time. Many times during my pregnancies I thought of suicide.
Sumati - I salute you, how appropriately you listed all the common points we all see. I conceived both my kids when MIL was back in India, otherwise where is the privacy, what is privacy by the way.

Any way I wish you all happy holidays and pray that 2008 brings peace and happiness.

Hi semi, thanks for your suggestion. I will try to find and read it. I am in missouri. Hi dddd, please follow your heart. I am 33 and i had my first baby last year. People also scared me with the same topic of less probability in getting the baby after we cross 30. It is not true. I got married when i was 29. I didn´ t want to get married until i finished my studies. People scared me then about me getting older. I was determined and i am happy that i did it. Now my education only gives me confidence and job, otherwise i wouldn´ t have been able to tackle my current situation.
You just follow your heart. If you still have hopes in having a good married life with your husband then proceed with that. Otherwise think seriously about your future.
In my case i lost trust in my husband and respect for him. To me he is like a stallion which has gone wild and wandering everywhere fiercefully. I am just waiting to see when will it get tired to spend time to sit and think. So i still have some hopes. Until the hope is completely lost i can´ t think about anybody else.

I went through your post and comments. I really salute to both of you for your courage and bold decision and not taking abuse. I am planning to post my story of 12 yr. of abusive relationship. But unfortunate part is that I am sstill with same person. I guess I will have some clear vision to hear all of yours comment on my story.
Please do read this book
Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don´ t Know Why (Paperback)

by Susan Forward, Joan Torres



Find this book on Amazon and read the feedback – it is an excellent book!!!

this book was eye opener to me and my bible since then.
BTW where you 2 live in USA? I am in bay area. If you are in same area than we may try meeting sometime or may be a email exchange.?

Take care
Semi

Hi Sumathi,I am sorry things are taking so long. How much ever patient we are,sometimes things just are not in our control.Its really surprising your hubby doesnt have any friends at work. The friendship at work is effortless and day to day interaction makes friends. My husband is also not that great but he made friends becoz of day to day interaction and living in same apartment community. From how many yrs your husband is here. after marriage u havent interacted much with his friends family. I had to do it as few of my husbands friends were in same complex and some of my husband' s school mates are all over here.
Dont worry this time will also pass. By 2-3 yrs u will even forget this trying days.be confident when dealing with your husband in your next meeting. I hope he arranges for it soon as child support maybe expensive to him.Hey its not only here.My FIL told me on the phone,my son is paying for your stay without reason . You are eating my son' s money.Husbands mindset is fed by in laws telling spending for their wives is a huge expense,including the kids.So husbands thinking like this is not surprising.Dont worry he might not prolong it for too long.
When you meet your husband be confident and dont come down for emotional blackmail. My husband did the same thing in court telling she is the only woman for me . I love her and want to live with her in front of the judge. I cud see anger in his face clearly. I didnt bend down and insisted for a TPO. you need to be firm and toughen your heart. Its for future good. Now my husband is all right.He occasionally tells me its my fault and he never abused me.But he has improved to no abuse.

Take care of yourself and take care of the baby. For our better tomorrow we should see this day too.Lets hope this wont last too long.
Take care.

Ever since our marriage we kept on moving. He never kept in touch with any of his classmates or colleagues. Whenever i insisted on him calling his friends, their families, he gave some excuses. He said first of all me and him should develop good understanding than we can maintain friendship with others.
His family didn´ t like me having friends or keeping in touch with my relatives. Now i am seeing what was happening to me since my marraige. My husband´ s family very well knew that they were abusive. Instead of correcting themselves, they tried to isolate me so that I wouldn´ t have a chance to complain to anyone about them.

Luckily i was working from the beginning (though not continuously) and I could vent my frustrations at this site. When i go through the comments of other women on this board, i found a striking similarity of abusive people. They all do the same things to their dil:
Constantly critisize and intimidate
Isolate
Impose Financial restriction
Husband´ s family claim themselves as one unit and don´ t interact with even their own relatives
Parents discuss private matter of their son´ s life
Don´ t allow son and dil to sleep in the same room (disgusting!:(
Whenever we question them they charge us back with false accusations
Husband will become violent, physically abusive and then cry
Very good at acting
Their words and preachings are not consistent with their behavior

In short, they are psycopathic and will try to make us the same.

Somehow we think we have to bear with everything so that we will get the name of a " good dil" , believing on one fine day they will realize our worth and accept us :(

I am sometime angry at me because i let them abuse me without realizing it is not going to end. I learnt a lesson in a hard way. I thought the birth of my baby will bring my husband closer to me and had a baby. Now her safety and well being are important to me. One of the forces which make me to keep my hope of reviving this marriage is the fact that " my baby needs her father" . At the same time i am worried if the father will be a loving father!

Now i have a sense of relief. I have decided that i will accept my husband only if he realizes his abusive nature and accept for undergoing treatment. Otherwise i am scared to go back to that shell.

Thanks for the reply. I really feel your husband will think clearly if he is left alone without any outside influence.
When my husband took anger management classes my in laws convinced my husband' s therapist to send him back to india where he will get help in a better way.What help my mil wanted to give him therapy. If we normal people can give therapy why do u need people who study to give therapy.So i strictly told the therapist and my husband not to do it but to finish therapy here. My husband himself told our marriage will be over if I or we move to india.
You shud be firm and tell the therapist that you want your husband to stay away from your in laws so that he can think clearly. Take your baby with you if possible when you meet your husband next. In fact try to fo it each time. He will miss the baby then. There is nobody who doesnt love a baby and here its yours and your husband' s.Its pride and love together.He will be more submissive seeing the baby.
When is the court ordered mediation.
Take care.

Hi dddd, i have no idea when is going to be the mediation. I am just waiting to hear from my lawyer. My husband is not taking a single step in discussing things with me. He doesn´ t have any friends and his colleagues says that he is a deep person and behaves professionally with them. Right now i can only wait for the date of mediation and nothing else.

I will update if there is any improvement. You also take care.

Thanks for the response.My MIL was not sorry for her son' s doing. She was sorry because i blamed my SIL for some things. Of course she was responsible for it.Anyway nowadays ,I have become stronger and dont let anybody influence my decisions.Things may not be better but its definitely not tense like before. Now my husband is on a look out for a job and once again it comes to me to do his secretarial work so that we dont go back to india.I hate the stress but to stay away from evil minded people ,its worth it. My in laws came to see me off and i cud make out the look they had on their faces that i shudnt be coming back.As far as my husband we had a positive headway in our GCs and he feels he is the reason for that and keeps telling me to go back to india.I dont bother about what he says and he only tries to bring me down.
Until your in laws are there ,your husband might probably be mixed up about u as they say , he feels will be 2 different things.I am really suprised its taking time here. But again your in laws are here. Mine werent and before they cud run the show i took control.
When mediating why dont you mention how your husband is right now. When my husband was in Anger management classes his therapist wud give me an update when my husband made a positive change.One more thing i feel would help is when my husband was staying separately i would call up whenever i felt like just to scream or talk to him . Although he wud hardly respond ,i wud be relieved speaking to him.from his tone i cud make out.
If the mediation is from a counsellor why dont u tell the counsellor you want your husband not to be in contact with his family so that he will be able to think clearly about you and the baby and his family.In my case ,i told my husband not to have his parents here when he was in therapy. Hope it helps.
Take care.

Hi dddd, thanks for sharing some nice tips to get some help for my husband and for preserving my marriage. We are just waiting for a day for the court ordered mediation. I shall try those when i get a chance.

Take care.

Hey,I am back. Its really is nice to see your post. You look so confident. Forget the outside help we need with this,we ourselves should be very fiesty to get thru such situations.
The highlight of the trip is my MIL apologizing to me for my husband' s behaviour. Although my FIL said immediately that my son is not at fault.As though it makes a lot of difference now.
How come your husband is now trying for reconcillation.Arent your in laws and SIL here. Either he is opposing them or this is with their consent.
Best of luck and I am very happy for you.How is your baby?

Welcome back! I am glad that your indian trip was fine and your mil felt sorry about her son. Hope things will become better for you in the future.
My in-laws are in my sil´ s home in the same country. I am not sure whether they have extended their visa or got green card. My husband still behaves in mean way, he never bothers about visiting my baby or even enquiring about her. Though he didn´ t ask for divorce and opted to go for mediation i haven´ t seen any improvement in his behavior but i has become worse. However i shall wait and see.
As you said what i feel inside is more important. This job and the award of my baby´ s custody to me have really boosted up my confidence and i am thankful to God. Take care and keep in touch.

Ive been reading your threads silently,God Bless you dear.What amazing courage!!!Truly commndable,I' ll pray that the rest of your life goes smoothly,all the best,
Be heartened to know that all over the world,there are people in worse conditions and please take faith in the fact that several of us on this board are praying for you and your baby.
raj

Nice to know this Sumathi. I am sure if your husband stayed alone he would have come around much sooner than now. Anyway alls well that ends well. Sometimes men take lot more stern approach.
I think stay put for 2-3 months. Your husband has fully realized his mistakes.Looks like he is all set to break free from his family. At present its the best situation.
Do not worry too much and try to be loving to your husband. Its the ideal situation now.|Although I am surprised your SIL AND YOUR mil/fil allowed this.
Thats a good sign. Congrats and good days are to come.
I am in India and i will be leaving today to come to US. It was a short 1 week trip but it was little relieving. I will leave a message once I am back. How is your baby?She must be happy and you must be relieved. Take care of you and your baby.

Hi Raj, thanks for your prayers. Only prayers can give strength to me.

Hi DDDd, thanks for taking your time to write back to me before your departure. I really appreciate your patience and hope. I am not in a hurry to get back to my husband if there is no realization in his heart. I just left it to time (or God). Change in him should be a consistent one otherwise it cohabitation will hurt both of us. Anyway you are boosting my hope of re-union everytime i lose it. Thanks for that. Have a safe trip back home.

Hi Sumathi,

I' m SOOOOOO happy to hear from you and that also such wonderful news!!!! :) *hugz*

I am again impressed by your courage and resilience and hope that things work out for you finally.

I will keep praying for you...keep us posted..it is always heartening to hear good news from you!!:)

How' s yr job search going?

love,
Ritika

Hi Ritika
Thank you for you reply. I am working on a temporary basis and i am trying to find a regular job. I am able to manage my bills now which is more important. Thanks for your support.

I wish no woman should undergo this. But when i look at the indian newspapers there are several such incidences of abuses and threats to indian ladies (living in abroad) with child custody. I am feeling so sad that money can turn people so cruel to hold a baby to control her mother. What to do? Some people haven´ t evolved from their animal nature. Not everybody around us is human!

It should read ' my husband was asked to pay child support to me' . Sorry about the typo.