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Womens Issues:Am I fit for nothing??

2007-11-22

Name: notperfect Yes, I want to shout loudly and really want to know whether I' m such an inefficient person on earth???

Yes, friends, my husband , atleast once in a day says me and demotivate me in every possible way. Acc to him, I am not good home maker. I' m not a good cook. I' m not organizer . ...Etc... He is highly dissatisfied with me. What shd I do?

Here is my problem...Basically I' m not much confident about me...and used to feel inferior thoughj I' m gifted everything best. Best family,rich, beautiful(I dont know, everyone who see me decide it and tell) and also studious.

My inlaws liked me when I was going somewhere on road and picked my details and ,and married me to their son. So I got in to this family.

Now, totally opposite mentalities i see here. Though they r not basically rich, they r very haughty and have loaded up with superiority complex. They feel they r perfectionalists and no other family is like them. As they were suffering from lack of money they used to do works themselves and plumbing, electric ,carpentor work ...etc,,,they do themelves. Ok, thats fine , I accpet its great. We ,in contrast depend on workers becasue we had money and found no necessity to pain ourselves.

BUT, BUT< this nature of superiority complex making me hate this famult. Since 5yrs, I' m daily getting demotivated for something or other thing. Now they r in good status still dont depend on any one..... Ok, that only one part of life.

So, they never realise, there r so many things in life to do other than house keeping. MY mil ,sil, fil, husband everyone feel superiors and critisise others....Even when I do rotis when I visit inlaws , SIl comes and gives her suggestions...She cant bring up her own children but leave with inlaws, still she feel an efficient lady.... They all r efficient only in house keeping. ntohing else....

When I' m totally depressed, I tell my husband how she irritate me...my DH doesnt support them...but tell me to gain perfection while learning from his mother.Also, he tell me to be smart enough to sort out my problems myself without seeking his help and he doesnt say anything to me. But, know what, I' m such a worst fellow that cant utter word against her when she shout at me, again repents for not saying. I become blank if anyone say me anything and cant hurt them in same manner.

Ok, I visit them in rare times, so not much problem...but my husband is here to demotivate me in every possible way... how to gain confidence in me??

He want a perfectionist, But I' m not. I want a cool and gentle behaving hubby but he is not??!

How can I gain his confidence...I cant always work on where he lost what ??? when he ask about something, I shd be able to put it in hands within seconds, without searching for it.That is his idea of perfect woaman .Yes, I accept I' m not super computer, but a good organizer if he doesnt irritate himself and shout.It makes me down and not able to perform myself in my own home. I' m always feeling fit for nothing as he is always telling me the same....

Is theree any solution?? i know here r many helping angels there.... Pl tell me how many of u r upto ur hubby' s expectations? How come its possible. As I' m inferior myself , I never dare to take up new challenges, Is there anyway, i can also be confident?

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2007-11-26

Name: nits
Subject:

keep trying..

Hi
I know..your husband demoralising you would affect you, try to ignore and dont take it to heart...i hope you do know, you are not a bad home maker...
you dont need a certificate a from anyone.
This is the first thing to do, realize the fact -YOU ARE GOOD AT WHAT YOU DO.
its your hubby and inlaws who ve a very small idea of the world. there is much to life and would than keeping things at specific places.

Next, thr hubby problem. My hubby did change with time, he also had certain priorities in life. with time and examples i made him realise, i ve certain good qualities. and now he appertiates me for that.you ve written u ve tried to explain, just keep trying.Hopefully he will some day love you for the way you are..

Finally, from personal experience i ve realized, there is nathing you can do to change your inlaws..they will be the way they are..nathing will please them.

2007-11-27

Name: Srey
Subject:

OMG....Your husband is Weird.

Sorry that you have to be in this Situation. Boy oh Boy,, Your hubby needs help.

okay, when you cook.....Is it a lot? I mean, you have to throw away all the food or you eat it with your child, instead?

I guess the best thing to do right now is:

Try to figure out what kind of dishes he loves and what kind of dishes he dislike. You know, like doing an experiment on cooking. Then try to make the ones he probably would eat......BUT, make just small portions of it. Because, just in case he still don´ t like, you can throw it away without feeling sad.

The point here is....Make him want to want more cooking from you. It will be hard, but, You can do it.

Good Luck.

2007-11-26

Name: notperfect
Subject:

thanks srey and nits,

Friends, I know I need no certification.

But, what if a man whom I´ m somuch attached continuosly believes in that I´ m not a fit for him?
How can I digets the fact that he cant love me if I´ m not upto him?

If I become less attached, It´ ll be easy for me to ignore his expectations. But he doesnt eat breakfast I do to show me he lost intrest because I dont do it the way he want (should exactly taste like his mother made ).
He never realise I cant cook exactly like her. I cant be her.

He shows his dissatisfaction while eATINng only leftout rice and going office. also not eating any curried made by me...and eating only pickles his mother sent just to show me how imperfect I´ m ...AND tell me how worst I cook that he lostintrest in food.(lunch he´ ll have in office restrnt. )

So, this is my life. How can I save my respect?

Behaving like ignoring him is becoming impossible for me.
Yes, anyways, I´ m doing breakfast for me and baby(she likes)...I tried remain ignoring him...while not offering him what I do...but it just making our bond more thinner.....:(

2007-11-23

Name: Srey
Subject:

Seemed to me like he is brainwashed by his family.

Thank God he' s a good provider to you and your child, not sure what he stills want from you. You clean you cook, Your hubby is an odd person.

What he needs is a \" wake-up\" call. In the meantime, I guess all you can do is stay away from his family and whatever he says to you.....Make sure it goes out the other ear. You Don' t deserve all the BS, from him.

2007-11-22

Name: Ritika
Subject:

Re:

Stop beating yourself over not being able to be this \" perfect\" woman.

Is your husband a \" perfect\" man? Far from it.

Nobody in this world is perfect. Trying to be perfect (or people who keep saying that they are perfectionists)...I think they have some insecurity in them...

Humans are mortals with failings. If they were perfect, they would be Gods.

Now for your main problem - Your husband de-motivating you or scolding you. Seriously, if I were you, the next time he scolded me for not being able to give him something instantly, I' ll tell him to keep and organize his own stuff. Since he thinks he' s perfect, why doesn' t he keep his own stuff where he would remember, rather than asking his wife all the time. As an aside, till you get the courage to do this, why don' t you keep in a box the things he needs daily? So you can get it easily? like purse, pen, keys etc.

As for confidence, it will come when you decide that you need to speak up for yourself. Also try and find a job..that will definitely give you confidence...

Don' t discuss your in-laws with your husband since he doesn' t support you. It will only backfire, so why do it.

If I were you, I would make a list of the 10 things I want to do in my life that would make me happy..and try and go about doing it. Specific goals in life are good. That way your life has a focus and every little milestone that you reach gives you happiness and a sense of achievement - in turn increasing your confidence level.

Hope this helps.

Ritika

2007-11-26

Name: Ritika
Subject:

Re:

Hello,

Sorry for replying late. Had some friends over this week and was busy.

After reading your replies to me and nits, I have a feeling that the problem lies with your husband. It is not you that is at fault. It is your husband who is at fault.

I cannot imagine why a man will want to hurt his wife so much that he refuses to even taste the breakfast she has cooked for him. How much negativity and anger he carries within himself that he needs to spread it at the slightest provocation.

Incidentally, you are giving him too much control over your life. If the decision to not work is totally yours, then I would be fine with it. But if you wanted to work and decided not to only because of your husband, then I would advise you to start working again. And this time, instead of meekly handing your entire salary to your husband, put it into an account for yourself. Say that you want to save for your child.

However if you yourself want to be a home maker then that´ s ok.

Now back to the problem of Perfectionism

I read an article that I liked sometime back. Maybe you can email your husband a copy of it. You need to have a serious talk with your husband that his constant criticism, nagging and demotivating comments are only causing resentment in your heart and not helping your marriage at all. Ask him whether he wants a happy married life or not? If he does, then he needs to stop criticizing you so much on every little thing. You are not his mother just as he is not like your father. Even you can keep comparing him to others and find him short. But do you do that? No. Because that is not the way to behave with your life partner.

Here are the excerpts of the article. The writer is a guy called Mike Bellah...
"
Webster defines perfectionism as " a disposition which regards anything short of perfect as unacceptable," and for way too much of my life I did exactly that. I refused to live with anything less than the ideal, which meant, among other things, I wasn´ t able to live very well with myself.

So now I´ m a recovering perfectionist, recovering because the disease can be arrested but never cured. We perfectionists must fight daily against what I call the perils of perfectionism. Following are some of them.

Pride

We perfectionists can come to believe we´ re beyond failure. That´ s because we know deep down that we don´ t measure up to our own idealistic standards. Pride, focusing solely on our accomplishments, is a cover-up. It keeps us from seeing the truth (we do need forgiveness we do need others).

Phoniness

Perfectionists can never drop their guard, never relax, never just be themselves. It´ s a practice that, over time, causes identity problems. When we´ re always playing a part, we no longer know who we really are.

Pharisaism

Like pride, pharisaism is part of the cover-up for us perfectionists. Focusing on the shortcomings of others helps us feel good about ourselves, especially when the shortcomings in question are not things we struggle with (We perfectionists like to focus on the wrongs of, say, serial killers or drug dealers, never gossips or workaholics).

Pettiness

The perfectionist is forever straining out gnats while swallowing camels. That´ s because the gnats (the trivial things in life) are much easier to control than the camels (the truly important things). It´ s a lot easier to maintain an immaculate house than to maintain warm and nurturing relationships with those who live in the house.

Paranoia

Perfectionists have a hard time accepting friendships and love from others. If we secretly don´ t like ourselves (and we don´ t because we´ re not perfect), how can others like us? Rather we think people are just waiting to catch us in our imperfections. Perfectionists have difficulty with close, honest relationships.

Paralysis

At times we perfectionists are aware that we fight a losing battle. We know that our best efforts can never produce our idealistic dreams. " Even if I´ m good at this," we think, " I may not be very good I may not be the best."

Perfectionism ultimately paralyzes the perfectionist. Afraid of not winning all the battles, we win none of them. Afraid of not being the very best, we fail to achieve our personal best. Unwilling to put up with life´ s frequent imperfections, we experience little of life´ s just-as-frequent joys.

I am learning in midlife that the alternative to perfectionism is not complacency but contentment. It´ s OK to keep striving for what´ s best we just need to put up with some messiness as we do. We need to give ourselves permission to succeed the only way we can in a real world, imperfectly.
"

I have known people who constantly nitpick others and understand how difficult it is to live with them.

Till your husband comes around, can you expand your circle of friends or aquaintances so that your husband does not remain the focus of your life?? I know that a spouse is important but in this case, you might be trying too hard to live up to his expectations and feeling unhappy when he does not appreciate even a single thing.

Lastly, I would also advise counseling for you. You need to know where and how to set boundaries in your life. Maybe a professional counselor can help you in that regard.

2007-11-22

Name: notperfect
Subject:

Ritika,

Rititka, I expected first reply from you. Yes, here it is. Thanks!

Ritika, problem here is, he doesnt think he is also not perfect in his areas. (all his family members r alike ) I repeated same words many times...when he was in good mood. But unable to change his mindset.He never able to accept his fault. also, that always lead to never ending argument. So, I dont go to his areas. See here, Ok, I keep all the things he need in a box. he takes out and forgets where he has kept , ofcourse morning what he was searching was kept in a baby´ s stroller. He says he never keep there... May be my daughter must have found it when he has forgotten somehwere, and she might have kept there. BUT PROBLEM IS...HE EXPECT ME TO check everytime where r the things r kept and assure all r in correct places so thta he can find when he need it. What a height. YEs, I shout at him to take care of his things... but, he says , what I´ m for then, even if I cant manage home of 2...when his paretns come and join in their olden days how can I manage home of 10???

This way, he starts scolding,,,as u said, just backfiring ....he gets frustated easily and has no minimum patience to listen other side.

I never liked idea of husband and wife arguing over silly things...My parents never did it. But his parents, even in this age , expect heights from each other and exhibit dissatisfactions...even his sister is like that... now we are turning same.....I used to hate couples who quarrel in front of children...but he makes it in my home... what shd I do?? How can I change this situation?

I was in a good job till my baby born, but now, not doing...because He is not interested in job. Ofcourse, never deny my wish. but arguments become more common and we end up living mechanical life...because he just can live with one machine who can be perfectly moulded to his wishes, if not, he can make it to anything....
So I´ m decided to not to do job for baby sake and for his wish...so that I live myself happily while browsing net, reading novels,preparing her fav sweets or snacks, decorating home...etc... Yes, we have sufficient money, and he never say no to my needs. When he doesnt like me doing job, y shd I earn hard and pour in to his bank balancE?

Pl tell me if I´ m wrong, Ritika? for 2more years I´ ll not do any job .Till my baby goes full time school, i´ m just learning new skills in my area and attending classes. Of course, when I earned some 8lakhs, and put in his hands I got no recognition,(he doesnt show difference, and give me whenever i want ) but during job period he used to show dissatisfaction if I had to spend extra time for office....When I had achieved something in career and got appreciations,He used to make worst comments on my cooking so that I could comedown to earth.I dont want to see his other side. Now i´ m happy with not doing job...but only worried to gain confidence so that he´ ll not open up his mouth.

Not that he doesnt love me at all... He care for me...he likes me to take up his family members into my hands and gain command over them so that the take my decision in every step.yes, to some extent he is ok, BUT< though , he never accept, this male ego is making me hate TOTAL HIM.His families r like that, ritika, His uncles r such stupids that can scold their wives in front of relatives.My husband also scold his uncles for their male ego, but he doesnt realise, having studied in IIT and AS A highly paid manager in MNC, he, himself behaving like those uncles.
Manytimes ,slowly I told all these things to him, but never ever work out for me.

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