Relationships  Discussion Forum

Name: jaya
Date: 2007-10-18
hi i m new to all this . pl. advise and help me. I m newly wed (6 months) I live with my husband in US .my problem is my husband' s family that lives in india. i met my husband through matrimonial alliance and got married. We did not go for a honeymoon as my MIL & SIL said that they need him to take care of their needs. it was hardly one wek of our marriage & my younger SIL who is unmarried said to my husband that she want a house on her name and asked my husband to give money. He also gave 16 lakhs for house + 2 lakhs for interior to her . house costs 25 lakhs. so my sis in law who is also working said she will pay rest of amount by loan. Simultaneously she bought a car also. which i m not sure of but i think my husband paid for that too. as i have heard my elder SIL thanking my husband to help their sis in buying a car.So my younger SIL bought a house & car within Onme week of our marriage and registered it on her name although she is unmarried.We don' t have our own house we live in rented accomodatioon at that time.My FIl had made a house but when he died my husband sold it as it was not good. & put the money on his sister' s name.To tell u the truth i felt very bad with these things going on & on top of that i was subjected to neglection & back biting by my elder sis in law who is married. They use to hush hush behind my back. my husband was good to me but never evben consulted me about all theses matters.

Now my younger SIL is gettin married. So again we hhave to do all the expenses . My elder SIL had said that marriage will cost us 10 lakh so my husband is sdending that money to his sisters. We are a middle class family. & working class. My husband' s family is also middle class so i don' t understand how can we afford to spenfd 10 lakhs on marriage. But they think that he is US so thaey can mint any amount as they want.My SIL has also asked my husband to pay remaining loan amount as she is getting married & has to leave her job.Its so ironical she is getting married ,having a house that she bought from our money which she is never going to return & a car too. And on top of that my husband also does not say anythoing to them.And never questionns anything. Later i came to knw that my SILs asks for expensive gifts like jewellery, laptop,ipods etc. from my husband and he gives it to them. He also gives money (big amount) of 50000 or 25000 to his sis who is married and she also demands money from him although she is married in a very good family better than ourrs and is in a very good job. She always talks about money only and hates me like i m a olague. Though my younger SIL atleast talks nicely to me Though she also mints money ffrom her brother and keeps on saying that she does not want my husband' s money. I don' t knw wt to do. my MIL is also asking my husband to give atleast 5 lakh cah to her on marriage apart from all the marriage expenses.

One thing more when i buy something for myself ,my husband does not like it, he says its too expensive or that we can' t afford it or that we are middle class not rich people although i never bought an item more than RS 1500 that too in US. He loves me and i m also very happy with him. but i don' t understand that he cant afford to buy his wife anything worthh Rs 2000 than how come he not even ask a single question about expenditure from his sisters & mother. My MIl is getting my FILs pension Both my SILs are working. And they also keep on provoking my husband against me.I m depressed but loves my husband. Pl advice wat to do? sneh replied. I can understand your plight dear .asking for lakhs of rupees is too much .See you have to understand 3 things and act accordingly :
1st every newly married girl feels that her husband loves her a lot and she loves him too .it takes atleast 2 to three years to realize what iis true .
2nd there is no question about it but your sil are thinking money grows on trees in America and this kind of their behaviour will only grow .they are smart and are securing their future .
3rd since your husband cannot question your sil about expenses and controls you ..he has a different attitude towards you …which is the most scary part .
so be smart ..dont get washed in emotions .If you are on h4 visa try to get H1 next year get a job and make sure that your money goes in your account not joint account .

also try to tell your husband about stories of people who are here in usa ..then go to India and regret not having saved enough .Try to talk to him about your financial status before it is too late .
but dear you have to accept this that you have to really fight a battle in coming years of your life .be prepared for it .
gg replied. u can always go to parents of babies n expecting parents sec of this board n discuss ur confusion n probs there gg replied. in laws are not as bad as we think . i faced lots of prob by my mil but my sil gvs her back. when i question myself that y i went thru all the tension n torture i realise somewher i am to be blamed for that ...y my mil is unsucessful in torutring n dominating my sil coz she is not letting her ..so its all upto u ..be nice to them keep good realtion with them as well as maintian some distance with them...conc on ur hsuband n childrens n ignore them ...
i am taking interest in ur prob so much coz u are still newly mrrd u dont make such mistakes that others have done it..even my friends n cousins use to warn me to maintain distance from mil but i ddnt listen any1...
let ur husabnd spend on his sis..but say if he is spending 30% on them make sure 70% is aside for ur future ..u have to take things in ur hands..u hv to be really patient n smart n learn from ur mistakes how to tackle them without hurting them i hv learnt thru very hard way..
dont worry about preg at all jsut go to some nice gynaec things are anyways very nice n comfi in US compared to india...
gg replied. one more thing i wud like to add...i stay in joint family my mil takes all my husbands money ..infact she use to gv daily few rupess to spend ..i never demanded for money form him i ddnt wanted him to feel embarass or small in front of me..
when my daughter was born i opened bank account for her with just minimum amount in it..then i use to put moneyevery month in her account from my sal but i use to take his permission b4 doing that ...now u know he puts money eveyr month from his account he told his mother he wont gv entire sal in her hand ...as he has to put motney in our daughter' s account also he has insurance in my daughters name..now i dont put anything in her account..if he wud hv given money to me my mil wud hv brought entire sky down to this earth ..but cant do anything coz its a father n daughter relation...
i am trying to tell us something i hope u understand this ...n solve ur prob gg replied. wow.....excellent this is a great news...u know my husband loves babies..sometimes i wonder whther he really loves me ..coz he mrrd me onlyto hv babies...but we both were confused to go for it or not to go it..
whn i got preg the whole world was like whattttttttt? hv u gone mad?
baby soon..many people suggested for abortion ...dont lsiten to any1 ...once u get the baby see ur husband he will be so happy...best thing about babiese whn they become 7 -8 motnhs u will just love that phase ..
about ur husband take him eveyrwhe ..let him know whatever u go thru in preg whter its trouble, illness or movement of the baby let him know everything...take him along with u for gynaec visit..totally involeve him in ur life..4get about ur self comepletly just think ur totally depended on him...n show him that ..this way u both will get close to each other..it really makes a difference ..i dont know if ur wrking but even if ur working let him spend money on u..joy of spending husband s money is totally diff from spending ur own money..
slowly ask him we must do something for baby ..open an account in bank..that s when ur baby is born ..be patient ...it will take time ...but it will happen ..if u involve ur husband in ur life once he starts enjoying all this u dont hv to worry about antyhing then ...
but right now i wud only suggest .u onething 4get everything enjy ur preg dont take any tension ..dont think anything just be happy dont fight with ur husband...coz whatever goes in ur mind will affect ur health n baby too..so for 9motnhs most imp perosn in ur life is ur baby n nothing else... gg replied. luckily ur newly mrrd mayb ur husband doesnt know how to take care of his wife or u can say he has not yet realised that i has his own family now...but since ur mrrd for 6 months u hv time to make him realie that ..
dont feel bad when he tells u not to spend so much..mayb he does same thing for himself.. he doenst spend on himself but he doesnt min d giving to his sis coz of emotional reason ,he is veyr close to his family
u hv to first understnad that all this while he was a good bro n a son ..so whatever he earned he spen t on his sis..now its all in ur hands how to make him realise that ur his responsiblily n his family now..n he is suppose to think about their future..i hope u r able to do that soon? dont fight for anything coz u wont gain anything n he will get more close to his family..