Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi friends,
I am not very to this board ,but i have gone tru several discussions n its really a good platform to get advices and to share problems.
Coming to my problem,I think it is a never ending story.I really dont know how many women would have underdone/going tru this kind of problem.
Iam married last 10 yrs. My husband was just happy with me only one month.It was too late when I realised that he married in anticipation of procuring wealth.I t went like this ,seems one my close relation has promised before marriage seeing his education ,he would be sent to abroad n will be given support,but my dad was so straight that he did not promise anything except dowry.But my husband expected a lot from my parents.He abuses them before me ,he says they r beggars,n ur dad could procure no wealth.Nobody can bear u ,its only me .If its soomebody else they would have thrown u out of the house .The problem here is i have 2 kids,n iam not working though iam a post graduate.I tried several times to go out for work ,he wouldnt agree for small earnings n he want only IT jobs,since he is into it.Lot of misunderstandings ,every day we will fight ,n my son who is elder would not rescept me n if i talk to him,my husband would not allow me to say anything.He would always say that iam responsible for everything.He would not give any importance to me before the kids,would say iam unfit for anything,though iam doing what ever possible other than working.He wants all my people to work for him,without talking to them ,he will threaten me to get his things done,wheather being collecting rent from his tenant or making them vacate n stuff like. H e want all my medical expenses if any to be paid by my parents,he says it is their responsibility to do policies on ur name .H e would not buy any necessaries for me everything including my clothes my parents give me. He says I owe him alot .asks several times to get out of the house,n asks me to pay for borading n food.
If evrythings goes in his favour he will be happy otherwise he blames me. Now at this point of my life I cannot depend on my parents, Iam totally confused with my relationship with him,I always feel iam seperate ,n he and the son makes me feel that way.I have no right to express my anger ,my emotions .........he says i have no right since iam a dependent,and didnt bring money . He has given a picture that iam an useless before my inlaws.I cannot question for anything ,anytime.Iam totally helpless ,n weak,cannot even try to learn any new thing since i lost my confidence my self esteem.H e is showing me hell.I dont know how to continue with him ,i need peace of mind ,n space for myself. He even created a kind of gredge on my parents to the kids ,telling them they are nothing to you n gives utmost importance to his mother.He would not send to my parents unless there is something really unavoidable situation n keeps distance from them but gets indirect help ,and boasts if not ur people ,i can get it done from some body,dont think iam dependent.He fought and had several arguments with my parents also.
Friends pls help me out with a suggestion.
Thanks in advance.

suhani replied. hi dear.. so sorry to hear your story.. its really hard to listen to ILs scoldings and in your condition your hubby is also not helping. i really pray your situation at home improves.

first of all, you have to have a job. This only can bring back your self esteem. In most of the cases, as wife is not independent, ILs take advantage of that situation and they keep her down by always taunting he.

and dont bother its small or big earning job. you can apply in banks or for teaching. its easier to get these jobs. and while doing these jobs you can look for other courses to improve your skill set. Dont bother about hubby or your ILs say.

I suppose one thing a girl should learn after marriage is to start differentiating between right and wrong. after marriage, in love we keep on accepting all the nonsense of ILs so that we get accepted at their place. But in turn what we get is frustation and borken self-esteem. so now its turn to take hold of your life and start thinking in individual manner about your life. think about what you can bear and what you can not. dont let them shadow your personality. my situation is like you in family although my hubby is not that bad. but now i have come to sense after 1 year of marriage, what to accept and what not. My principle is \" Dont retaliate but dont accept too\" . let them do what they want. you just think how you can improve your situation and what you can do to make yourself happy because your ILs are never going to think about that.

and about your kids, dont worry. when you get a job and start gaining self-confidence, they themselves will start realizing that their mom is not bad.

hi replied. sneha enough is enough dear., you also deserve a happy and satisfied life. 10 years is long. you waited,waited more than enough for him to change. but now you are sure that is not going to happen also your kids you adore also showing this behavior. you deserve better dear. don' t blame kids dear. circumstances and experoiences make their mind. love them unconditionally always. i know you are like that,just said. find a job dear. if you really begin your search you will find it. and believe there is a GOD ou there to help you. try your best and pray with all your heart. you will find a job in no time. you should find. then you can avoid your husbands comments and all. also you will be more confident and independent,your kids also respect you. and by the way, you should make the kids understand you are thier mother and they should repect you and love you whatever happens. and also make them understand that they are your happiness. the best solution fgor this is divorce and find a job for yourself and i will say never ever leave the kids with him. take your kids with you. they are innocent. it is your duty to bring them up as good humans. so pray and start your new self.now.ok dear. my prayers are with you dddd replied. Sneha I feel really really sad seeing your post. You have been thru a lot. One thing i will tell you to give kids a family life it should be the right family life not like this. Kids will get influenced. tomorrow your son might feel its okay to push wife around like your husband. My heart goes out to you as you are in this environment for 10 yrs.
In laws and husband loads of money and comfort from wifes family is not new. But this is a little extreme.please please get out of the relationship. Even my in laws expect a lot from my parents. I have categorically told my parents not to give them anything in the name of my happy family life.
Please find a job any job and get away from your husband. You are a very good woman. Its his loss if he cant keep you happy. My husband and me live in US.my in laws in India. for anything going wrong in my husband' s life he used to blame me and abuse me verbally and physically. I bore that for 4 yrs,thinking he will change. It didnt happen and i took legal action. this did wonders and my husband listens to me.
One thing i think you shud do is find a job and then leave him.
One thing i wud suggest is leave the kids with him. toughen your heart.file for divorce and ask him for alimony.
Please take care and post back. someone replied. Divorce him ! or atleast threaten him that you will divorce him..He has to pay you a lumpsome alimony after divorce.did you know that?You will ahve more money than him once he divorces yo..
The only reason anybody could put up with such a man would be for the kid - to grow up in a family set up..If that very kid is not treating you well then what the hell, get divorced & start a new life !
GL to you
Ritika replied. Hi Sneha,

I' m sorry to hear about your situation.

Why are you with this guy again?? For 10 years you have been with him and suffered. Now your child has turned against you.

As a human being, what are you gaining by staying in this relationship? Pls ask yourself that.

If I were you, I would go and find a job. He does not want you to because he does not want you to get financial independence and get any control over your life.

You are a post graduate, and I' m sure will find a job if only you start looking for it seriously.

I would also suggest that you go for some counseling, to improve your confidence and build up your battered self esteem.

I know that it will be very difficult for you..but I can tell you this...if you can escape his abuse, you will discover more happiness in your life than you have seen in the last 10 yrs.

I will also advice you not to vacillate too long..because not doing anything will not solve any problem in your life.

Some people will tell you to wait and pray for the bad times to end. But you know what...the best person to actually find a solution to getting out of your unbearable life is YOU. Your husband is like a parasite, sucking away your spirit and esteem and happiness. I don' t think such a man will ever change. You can keep volunteering to be a victim for his abuses OR take a decision in your life that enough is enough. Find a job (yes, he will be against it, but so what...he is already being so mean..what more can he do)...once you have a regular salary, move out (for some time at least..to see how you are faring). By being financially dependent on a abusive man, you have given him full control over your life.

Being weak and taking all abuses has given you 10 years of unhappiness and misery. Go the other way now. Be strong. You will get more resilient after you get over the initial hurdle of standing up to him. I wish you all the best!!