Relationships  Discussion Forum

I’ve been married 2+ years and we have a very cordial relationship. Perhaps, I love him unconditionally. Just one thing creates a constant issue between us and that’s why I am here for you’re advise. I want to ask you all if there is something wrong with me or is it normal?

Before our marriage, my hubby went around with this non-indian girl (elder to him). But as he knew that things won’t work between them he called it apart. Before getting married, he told me about her and I was okay thinking things are over btw them. When I came here in US to join him, I picked her phone once by mistake and she cancelled the call saying it is a wrong no. I saw her pics in my hubby’s office, but ignored it. I never diged for details after that as I really trust my husband and know in hearts of heart that he will never lie or betray my trust. I wanted to leave the past to where it was and assumed that they have lost in touch as all this time as rightly mentioned by my hubby. Recently I was checking my emails on his laptop and saw his email box open. That led me to curiosity and I went thru his emails. I didn’t have the strength to go thru all, but whatever I noticed was shocking for me. The email I read was from the same female, forcing him to get back in touch. She had requested him to see some of her suggestive pics (trust me I couldn’t see the pics). My hubby had written a reply to her saying that she shouldn’t try sending him such pics as men are weak in nature and he is happily married now and told her that he has not and won’t open the pics. Now that really is a great relief for me but still knowing the details left my heart jump as I cant digest that female is so keen to be back in touch and that too in physical way. I am feeling very insecure coz of all this matter.

Now I don’t think I will be able to open a healthy conversation with my hubby about this matter as there is a past history too-

My hubby had a female friend that he used to talk to. She never came in front of me or talked 2 me but used to call him every second week. I got suspicious as I couldn’t understand why would a female friend of his be so afraid of me that she couldn’t face me or speak with me like any of his other friends be it a girl or boy. He used to say that she is shy kinds and finally sweared on me that there is nothing between them. We had a fights over her for a long time, but long thing short, I realized later that there is nothing from his side but that girl did have feelings for him and now he doesn’t talk to her anymore coz of our arguments. That situation put me in a soup as I felt bad about doubting on my hubby unnecessary and questioning him so many times.

Now with this thing going on I have started doubting about myself, am I so Jealous? I can’t eat properly and can’t control the way I am feeling right now. My hubby has noticed that I am not the way I am usually but I don’t think I am in a situation where I could open up the topic of his ex –gf in front of him as it will ruin our sweet relationship. Its killing me…please advise, what shld I do?
Shuchi replied. Thanks to everyone for giving me nice advice and suggestions. Really, I don' t think I can thank enough to you all for hearing my heart out. I guess that is what a women needs in such situation.

Coming back to the matter, I couldn' t help talking to my hubby about the situation as he could read that something was not right with me. He was constantly asking that there is something I am trying to hide from him. I guess thats just me, it clearly shows up on my face if something is running in my mind 24/7. Finally, slowly and gradually I told him about how I felt and that I had seen this email. At first I was feeling guilty as I looked at his email. He did take it +vely at first but he just raised a point that I don' t trust him much and that' s the reason it might have prompted me to check his emails.

I tried to convince him couple of times, that its not about the trust between him and me, but the doubt I have with his past associations, and thats what brings upon the insecurity within myself. It was hard and brutal as it has happened between us not once but couple of times earlier concerning other female counter parts. There are just these two females that make me feel so uncomfortable. Long thing short, he comforted me by saying that he no longer have any association with them and would try to avoid them and if possible let them know not to contact him anymore.

To be frank, I still do feel guilty coz i know hearts of hearts that he doesn' t carry any feelings for anyone and I am trying to act like an evil person in his life, trying to cut any strings attached. I don' t know but i feel very weird. I am not sure if i am able to explain you all ...but it is definitely awkward living in either of the two situations... subathra replied. Dear,
First of all stop worrying. Take control of the situation now. First of all think positively, because Your husband loves you and just for the love and commitment he has towards you he hasn' t seen those pictures. That itself is a clear thing that HE HAS LOVE AND IS TOTALLY COMMITED IN THIS MARRIAGE. So your position is safe now. The only thing you need is get that girl out of his life. For that you need patience. Don' t argue with your husband and make each other upset. You said you accessed his mail id,so you can try this.Its just a suggestion. May be just put her email address in SPAM and block it. Have a open talk with your husband. Tell him that you love him and trust but these type of past friendship with girls disturb your peace of mind. Trust me,Frankly telling your husband your needs..your fears in a polite way WORKS WONDERS. I have seen that in my life. My husband had a old girl friend who totally avoided me but wanted to maintain friendship only with my husband. she constanly sent SMS, emails and e cards which gave the hidden meaning to me very well. On my husband' s birthday she sent a message at 12' 0 clock exact and that tested my patience level. I couldn' t take anymore. I told my husband infct I cried and opened my heart and poured out all the feelings. This happened after 5 months of our marriage. You know some thing,from that day onwards my husband' s approach was simply amaging. He gave his email password and asked my delete the messages she sent and also asked me delete the so called \" simply friendship\" SMS she kept sending. That was the day I literally thanked god for giving such a nice hubby. So Coming to your case i see similarities except for picture sending. That may be because in your case she is a non-indian but in my case she was from Bombay. See,as I told talk to your husband and tell him you are feeling insecure and make him understand you. I think as he is commited in this marriage Iam sure he will totally cut the contact. when he is home try to check his cell phone and if she had sent any messages delete it abruptly. DO KEEP PRAYING GOD. Prayers will not not only send her out of your husband' s life but will make him more loving towards you. So stop worrying and handle things with patience. ALL THE VERY BEST. If time permits pls do respond. not important replied. If I were you I would make note of that female' s Email ID(who sent obscene pics to you hubby) from your hubby' s Email & make sure I give it to her properly so that she never interferes in you/your hubby' s ways ever again! find out her friends & let them know what she is trying to do. believe me I have been there & done that! (exception in my case it was a relative & I had to fill her husband' s ears with how she has been trying to flirt with my hubby)
Goodluck to you

Ritika replied. As you mentioned, your husband is totally devoted to you and is happy being married to you...

He has also said no to all his ex-gf' s.

I would try to focus on that and come out of my jealousy. Because yeah, that is what it is and yes, it is perfectly normal...if any of my husband' s ex-gf' s behaved like this, even I would have felt like taking a hatchet to her.. :)

but the thing is why ruin yr relationship with your hubby..he is not at fault here and nor are you. Why let that stupid ex ruin yr current happiness.

Just think that if you do it, you would be giving too much control to that other woman over your emotions and yr life. So whenevr yr mind starts thinking negatively, immediately focus on some loving gesture that your husband did for you or his loyalty in answering or breaking off those relationships.

All the best!! help replied. no.u r not jealous...but insecure..and ask him to introduce his friend to u..say it casually...and if u feel his past is closed..then close the story.need not bring it up again.... frnd replied. hi, u r not seeming to be jealous. Its very common thing that u r insecured. Already ur hubby knows that u r not usual. So just tell him smoothly that u had to see his mail and she was luring him. So u r li' l insecured about her, though u have trust in him.
Hope he would understand u.