Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I am married for last 4.5 years now. I am not sure whether I am lucky or unlucky to get married to my husband. He is caring, understands well. But shouts at me quite often... And some times beats me too. He is the same person who cooks food my 16 month old son(we leave him at daycare), packs all our lunch boxes, while I takecare of my kid. I mean he shares household work also equally.

But He gets irritated or angry very quickly and shouts at me. some time beats too... But he cares to tell sorry when ever he is wrong.

Between us some how we are in some understanding..
But will this effect our 16 month kid?
How will he react to this?
As both of us working, we get a little time to spend with the little boy...

please advise.. what can be done to avoid an affect on my son..

Day replied. Dear confused...
I am of the opinion that any husband who beats his wife(physical or mental) is inexcusable.It is a very serious issue and will most defenitely have huge impacts on ur child.I work with women who have been abused and i know for a fact that the children are heavily disturbed in some way or the other.some of them could include-deep negative feeling towards either of the parent,loss of self confidence,anti social behaviour,reluctance to form deep bonds in relationships,acceptance that physical violance is a part of life and many more.Trust me hitting someone is phyical abuse.Dont delude urself into beleiving otherwise.If u do love ur husband very much-u need to talk to him.explain to him how much it affects u(mentally)...tell him that everytime he lifts his hand to hit u-he is demeaning ur relationship.also tell him abt negative impact it can have on ur child...contrary to what most indian women will tell u-pls do not tolerate any form physical violence against u...u should talk to ur husband and if need be seek counselling...if u let it go once ,twice it will happen everytime and u wont be able to stop it.Today it might be just beating-tomorrow it could turn out to be more serious forms of physical violence...Remember u will need to love urself first if u want someone else to love u...talk to ur husband and try and work it out...talk to him in a very loving way...if it doesnot work-pls for ur families sake seek professional help.Beyond that it up to you...Be brave for urself and for ur child... sss replied. dear anti abuse,
you are right in saying that physically beating one' s wife is intolerable.i myself would never take such a thing.i hope confused will come with more clarifications on this issue. anti abuse replied. Abuse in a marriage affects children in many more ways than one can list. It gives rise to insecurity, fear. Among slightly grown up children it gives rise to contempt, hatred.

Abuse makes a family dysfunctional. A dysfunctional family may even give rise to juvenile crime, like a childhood abuse may!

Please look up for abuse in marriage, domestic violence, dysfunctional family etc to learn more on the subject.

Its not something that you can escape by any other means except for stopping such abuse. sss replied. dear anti abuse,
i never asked confused to endure husband' s abuse.but still i feel that her condition is not as pathetic as you believe it to be.the main concern she showed was whether her son would have a bad effect or not.also she herself wrote that b/w them they have an understanding.that means irrespective of their fights,they love eachother.and she apreciate him for his sharing of responsibilities.so dont exaggerate things and make her feel that she is in a pathtic situation.this will make her more frustrated and sad.ofcourse i dont think that she should silently suffer the beatings.if things get better by talking to her husband,that is the best thing to do rather than creating a drama and involving their relatives.but this applies when the fights are minor.confused,i hope you can weigh how serious your situation is and take an appropriate step.all the best.
anti abuse replied. Dear Confused,

Beating wife is wrong any day, irrespective of the gravity your mistakes. Have you shared this plight of yours with your family or his?

When was the very first instance of this beating? and what is the frequency of this and what was the most intense of the beatings that you have received? Tell us the extent of injuries if any, did you have to take any treatment either at home or from a doc?

You need to have a very serious talk to your H immediately to stop this, if necessary you may have to involve elders too, but first of everything else what you require is to discuss with someone in the family who would understand your situations WITHOUT dismissing it saying \" shadi aur sansar me aisa hota hi hai\" NO AISA NEHI HOTA, NEHI HONA CHAHIYE.

I appeal to all women on the forum to help this lady and suggest her ways of means of stopping this, rather than telling her how to endure this!

Please respond quickly with the answers. Lets discuss the problem and learn to deal with abuse in an appropriate manner. sss replied. dear confused,
i am married for 2.5 yrs and i also have a 16 months old son.and iam also working.so,i can understand your confusion.but the only solution to this is trying to reduce your fights.it is definitely not good for your baby.occasional fights b/w husband and wife are unavoidable but try your best to reduce them.also show your affection for each other infront of your son.try to make the most of your time together by playing together,going for a walk etc.it will give him a sense of security and will increase his self confidence.discuss your concerns with your hubby and i am sure he will understand.all the best.