Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi everyone,

I am so much confused and in dilemma. Please enlighten me with some genuine thoughts. I have series of questions to ask

1. Can you love twice or more than once in your entire life?. Given a situation you were in love with somebody but got married to someone else due to circumstances etc. do you feel same love for your spouse you used to feel for your ex?

2. How to erase memories of your past completely and make your present/future more meaningful and guiltless?

3. Why we always say that my ex was my true love not the present one …why we brood too much into past .

4. Why true love exists in past only why can not be in present.

5. Do men forget their ex more easily than women

I do not know but these things are very much important in life. Why can not we submit( emotionally I mean to say) completely to the one we are having now.

Do we need drastic changes in our thought and action process or what . Please guide and share your opinions.

Please write back ,
Rakhi


Bracelet replied. Rakhi,

I wish you strength and determination to make your life better to yourself. Do not let a old memory shake (even slightly) your beautifully built marital home and investment of 8 long years. You are very young and I am sure a very beautiful person at heart. Your sense of responsibility and care and love for your dedicated husband and your beautiful children can turn your life wonderful again.

My suggestion is just take a break and ask your husband too, take a break for your sake. Just spend time together with him and remember the most beautiful times you have spent together, the time of your child birth and the early days of your marriage and the baby and all those....

I am sure you will make it. Do post back as you keep working on your marriage. All the very best to you. Rakhi replied. Hi Bracelet,

No you have not confused me I am the one who has created all this mess and just trying to get out of that which I am sure will be able to do touch wood!!!! Infact your writings have forced me do introspection and decide my priorities in life.

I have realized that I need strong transformation in my attitude, thought process to make everyone’s and of course my life successful and with minimal regrets. I want to enjoy every bit of my life with my near and dear ones. I pray to God to provide positivism in my attitude and strength to take the right and timely decisions.

Even I am sick of myself. To see the positive side I am a very strong headed but highly emotional woman and fast in decision making. I stick to what I decide no matter what others will think at least for past few years. I know I have committed big mistakes in past that should never be repeated again. I was young that time impulsive and immature I would add. I am a professional (sorry 32 plus not 35 and have been married for 8 years not 12) and quite satisfied with the status I have in society as well as at work place.

Too much of anything is bad and in that case being too much emotional/touchy is also negative trait. You create strong shell of thoughts, values, memories and rituals around yourself wherein things you do not improve can not ingress. That could be the case with me.

I have tasted biggest failures in life in terms of personal loss and so many others things I do not want to discuss now.

I need time and support of people who really understand and just do not laugh at me or my situations,

I am grateful to you for sparing your valuable time and understanding .

Regards


sss replied. Dear Rakhi,
i am happy that you didnt misunderstand me.though my style was harsh,what i rally wanted was to help you come out of this dilemma and enjoy yor present to the fullest.thanks for taking it in the right sense.also other comments that you got are very helpful,i guess.so i hope you must be feeling much better now.all the best and take care. Bracelet replied. Dear Rakhi,

I am really concerned of the confusions you are suffering from now. I hope I have not added to it. However let me try again and answer few of your questions:

1. YES, one can love more than once in life. Love for a person is a very person-specific feelings. So you can hardly duplicate or even compare one love with another.

2. Memories of the past can not be erased but what you can work for is to make them not hurtful to you anymore.

For example as young child you have been scolded and might have even been beaten by your parents, but those memories do not hurt you anymore, you can rationalize them with your maturity understanding etc.

3. When you love two different persons but can live with only one of them, the loss of the other love APPEARS to be bigger.

There are cases when a person into a second marriage realizes his/her first marriage was the better one. Absolute judgment is not easy that too about your own life.

4. The previous point addresses this Q too.

5. NO, even men may suffer from the past memories as you are doing now. But nature has built man and woman differently, psychologically/emotionally so may be less proportion of men suffer as women do in some aspects.

Rakhi have you shared your chance meeting and the subsequent confusion to your husband? Possibly not!

I have a feeling, only your husband can help you in this situation, particularly because he knows all your past and has loved you in spite of those. Think some more, if you can share your present state of mind with him and tell him that you need his help to enrich your conjugal love. After 12 years and children at an age around 35, you may need some rejuvenation, may be a second honeymoon, if necessary, keeping children at the grand parents care for a day or two. Please do write back. I am eager to help you. S replied. Hi Rakhi

I really understand the emotional dilemma you are going through and really understand that emptiness, but believe me, its self created. The more you think, the more you suffer....For Indian women, first love means everything...It is very hard to forget those even small talks....And in your case, you recently saw him after so many years and did not talk to him too....so all the memories you had treasured in your heart overwhelmed...Give it a time and again you will get back into your routine of your current life....Time is the only solution to it...And questioning whether i love my husband more over my ex is useless...With husband, you fell in love after living together with him for 12 yrs (no chemisry was involved in your marriage) and when you stay with same person for 12 yrs, attachment automatically happens...Even if you stay with a stranger for some time, we develop some feelings for that stranger, right? You can name that feeling or attachment as Love to be more happy in present life. This does not mean you don´ t care for your husband, but love is something that happens only once and there is a chemistry involved (per my view)...You are reminding me of the movie \" khabhi khabhi\" . So its upto you whether you want to adopt the approach of Amitabh or Rakhi and I think you are following Rakhi, right and that´ s why you changed your name to rakhi (i know who u r). Just treasure the past moments and go on with life....Try not to think a lot about past that it will only give you suffering...

Take care

S
Rakhi replied. Dear SSS,

It is not as if I am not aware of my duties and responsibilities. I rarely have shown my displeasure or dissatisfaction to my hubby. He loves me like anything and I consider myself lucky for being married to such a wonderful person. In turn I give what ever he demands. I take great care of his needs and vice versa. He is the best human being I have seen on this earth still there is some emptiness in my heart which I can not show to anybody as nobody will understand. Even I wonder why I remember everything about my ex. . My ex is my past and I really want to forget everything . Even I desperately want to come out of this web and enjoy the life the way my hubby does. He has no past no bad memories only present and future perfect.

I am grateful to you for your harsh but appropriate comments. You are lucky to marry the same person you have loved.

All the best and enjoy life ,
Rakhi
sss replied. i will try toanswer your questions as per my views though i never experienced it as my first and last love is my husband.
ofcourse love can happen twice.see, we react to the situations and try to be nice and be true from within.you loved your BF then and really wanted your life to be with him.nothing wrong.but your situations forced you to marry someone else.that time you weighed your priorities and gave preferance to your family and security of marrying some one of their choice.again nothing wrong.(especially since the decision was mutual).
but what followed is wrong.you never gave your 100%to your hubby.you made him suffer for no fault of his.once you are married,you should learn to love that person.and it is not difficult.every person has some flaws.why compare your hubby with your BF?if you think that your ex was your true love,then you are living in fools paradise.
see,you still open this discussion again and again after so many years of marriage itself shows how much you are wrong.
in your previous msg,you told that meeting your ex helped you realise things and increased your respect to your hubby.then why this confusion again and again?i think there lies your problem.you are not sure of your own actions and decisions.
change your self and be more wise.god belss you.