Relationships  Discussion Forum

I had an affair with a guy and we were the verge of marrying each other but we broke of due to family pressure as we belonged to different castes and culture .Tough he tried to contact but I never talked to him for 12 years . But I always thought of meeting my ex all those 12 years of my married life. I had inexhaustible data bank of questions to ask. I thought I am still in deep love with him or his memories. Than the unexpected happened I saw him after so many years of pain, aloofness and tears. I just could not believe my eyes. He was continuously looking at me and roaming around me , he wanted to talk . But what I did was something I had never dreamt of . I left the lecture in the middle and just rushed back to my home I only thought of my kids and dearest hubby who never ever looked at any other girl and always stood by me in my worst conditions. I felt gush of love and respect for my hubby . I just realized that family is my top most priority and I can never betray my hubby. All those years I waited for that moment and when faced with the truth I turned my back . I wept inconsolably in the car and realized that I have lost him for the entire life again but this time for good . My love and respect for my hubby is increased and I am thankful to my ex for that . I pray to good health, family, lots of wealth and prosperous future to my Ex
God bless him and his family.
Rakhi
Bracelet replied. Rakhi,

Irrespective of what I say on the issues, I respect your honesty and your present decision of not getting back in contact with him. Thumps up to you once again.

I do not think you need be confused, but do keep talking, we do learn more as we discuss more and more openly. Bracelet replied. Rakhi,

You have placed love on the pedestal of a god and preferred to worship it, but I am among those who would spread love as a carpet in the home and live on it. The beauty the maintenance the roughness and the prestige it brings are all real, practical for everyday experience. Its the quality of the carpet and the maintenance of it, that decides how long you have it or when you dispose it or when if at all you get the next one! May be a bit crude as an analogy, but thats it.

You remember Bharat as a brother worshiped Ram' s sandals and Laxman as the brother went along with him to the woods to exile! I adore the Laxmans, you seem to be with Bharat for its convenience!

I can not agree with your view that \" love should not be converted into the relationship otherwise it looses its shine.\" This almost allows you to love for loves sake and still get married or remain married to someone else! Whom you may or may not love! Atrocious!

My words may sound harsh, they are not harsh as such on YOU but on the situations that people like you undergo.

Can you recollect your early married days and tell me what you felt then? Did you feel that you were having to be physically close to someone to whom you did not belong, being actually someone else' s? Did you feel violated, did you pray god to forgive you for the sin you are (not) committing? Rakhi replied. I may not be able to convince you fully but may be upto some extent

 Yes with certain requisite specifications in a spouse such as good job, good looking, no bad habit etc. a marriage can survive not blooming though
 It was our joint decision to part our ways and he was more than willing as we wanted our parents to be happy in turn I had never questioned his integrity as I was sure of his convictions. Further, he and I had huge responsibility of marrying off our younger sisters which was the main concern . everybody made me convinced that if I would marry to my ex my sisters life will get ruined and nobody will marry them so I sort of compromised
 I do not know whether I love my hubby or not but I can not live without him even for a day and I am certain that I can go to any certain for safeguard of my family .
 Why I did not try to contact him ------because I wanted him and myself to be happy. if I would come to know he is not happy with the present situation than it will create menace in our life . If he is happy than I have no right to spoil his married life.
 Luckily my hubby is very understanding and knows everything about my past life but since we both are devoted to each other completely he has also forgiven me. He has always provided unconditional love to me always
 You may not believe but my hubby knows everything about him as he has his bio data. But I never tried to know and my hubby only told that my ex applied in his company and he torn apart that bio data .
So life is a complete circle and you never know where you stand ,
I do not know but I am confused now
Rakhi
Rakhi replied. Dear Bracelet,

Yes in a way you are right marriage wins in the end ….Love is the most sacred form of god and should be respected in all the ways . what I have realized could be summarized as

 One should not brood too much about the past as it will result into restlessness , craziness and expecting unexpected always
 What ever happened is history and should remain in the pages of history only
 Zero or one , give 100% to your relationship …12 years back we were not bold enough to take the right decision and bowed down to the wishes of our elders which resulted into 12 years of suffering and blame game of course
 Whatever happens, happens for the best
 Happiness is never warranted, you have to do efforts to earn it

Initially when you are bachelor you live for yourself but once you get married so many people are involved . You can not think in isolation and have to think keeping in view your spouse, parents and kids.

My love for him has not lessened or abolished but scenario is different now I have my family and he might be having his own. I had always craved for him in the past I remember each small thing associated to him but all in my heart . I have never said all these things to anybody not even to my siblings who knew about everything. Have you read the novel “Gone with the wind” her mother at the time of her death uttered one word :Philip” her ex.

I was reading somewhere that love should not be converted into the relationship otherwise it looses its shine …I think its more or less true .

Love is so beautiful and pure and makes a person so valuable and out of the ordinary ..we can never define love in words it’s the most precious obsession

I liked your view tell me more about your opinions ,
Rakhi


Bracelet replied. So I am assuming here, within certain specifications a random marriage is mostly going to be an ok one. Then whats the big deal in a love marriage? Is the modern India or the western world going grossly wrong?

What if your marriage to your husband was not as good as it is now? Would you have been able to leave him for your lover now? after 12 years and the kids? Possibly not!

You did not even try and found out how he is doing today? If married has kids etc. You were solely concerned with your marriage your kids and your life, which is satisfactory to you! Have you been too selfish/protective/unconcerned about his life. Did you really love him? If you did, why could you not convince your parents then to marry him and how could you give yourself in to your husband? How long did you take to actually love your husband? etc. Even I seem to have a huge bank of questions to ask someone like you, just for better clarity and more understanding, not to criticize you.

I repeat what you did now was absolutely the right thing, but it does open a barrage of thoughts. Bracelet replied. You know what Rakhi,

At the long last I have this feeling that even love has very little meaning but marriage has a lot of meaning.

I am not too glad about this, rather am sad about it, but I am glad to accept that to be the truth.

Its sad because, just the elders' pressure blocked your marriage to your lover then. You got married to your husband and apparently have a happy/ok life.

Even if you got married to your lover then, you could have had a happy life and that would have given you the satisfaction of marrying the man you loved, could have saved you the pain of the last 12 years. But you were not allowed! And over those long 12 years your marriage took precedence over your love, which I am sure was your life then!

So it looks to me that LOVE can be forgotten/done away with, but not marriage! It saddens me.

Do write back, if you understand my concerns. Bracelet replied. Rakhi,

You are one exceptional woman!

Hats off to you.

My heartfelt regards and good wishes to you, your husband and your family.