Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Friends,

I never thought I would crib over such petty issues in my life viz. in laws , co SIL problems… i have always loathed saas bahu serial yet I am here writing about my problem now I understand that these things exist in the life and sometimes you feel so helpless do not know how to solve the problem … I am quite well educated earning decently have my own car , house driver still I feel so small in front of my co SIL …

My brief story starts is….i am from a posh locality south delhi whereas my husband family from a very small town village … I have 2 years old son and 4 months old daughter…. my husband has one brother and no sister …me and hubby married against the wishes of our parents and for this reason my MIL never liked me as I am inferior to them caste wise ……what ever I do she hates that I am an excellent cook and she is the worst still if I cook something for her she will straight away reject that and makes very strange faces when my hubby praises my food and me and eats double of his regular diet …she would eat with pickle …for this reason I have a cook also

I hate to discuss my personal problems with my relatives and my MIL ‘s imagination is very strong she always misunderstood my intentions that I might be doing backbiting with my sisters or mother … I am working in a private firm and for this reason I have very long working hours …..when ever cook is absent which is quite often my MIL does not even cut the vegetables she is of no help , never enters in the kitchen and we have to serve her all needs … I would cook her favourite food t still she would say I do not want to eat that today what is all this non sense ….she would do nothing and say we are getting bored … she does not even washes her under garments how disgusting …

Now my BIL got married to one of her distant relatives and my MIL is on cloud nine since than My co SIL who is non working and very average looking also stays with us as her husband is away on job and would join her in six months time….my MIL showered her with lots of jewellery clothes etc. which I do not mind but people keep on reminding me that you do not have this and that … whole day My MIL and Co sil watches saas bahu seriels which I hate to the bottom of my heart they discuss very strange things their sarees, jewellery food Tulsi was wearing that saree that day blah blah blah I hate this kind of talk ….my MIL is infatuated and obsessed with my co sil she praises her always as they have same taste for everything ..

Now my co sil does nothing except buttering of my MIL … she does not washes her clothes the way I do or does not even washes her UGs just like my MIL …but she is expert in buttering she always wears saree because my MIL said so I never wear as I feel extremely uncomfortable in saree at office place and driving sometimes , she always covers her head with pallu , both of them watches TV and voh MIL ke par dabati rahti hei … I wash my and hubby clothes my self my part time maid is whole day busy in serving them and thus neglects my kids .. now she has threaten to quit the work due to overload which will be like bombardment on my head … earlier she used to takes care of my kids feeding, bathing changing clothes , making them sleep with minimal household work now she has to wash their clothes, serving food , making tea every 10 to 15 minutes … I have increased her salary still she is overloaded and I understand that but I am helpless as my MIL and SIl think she is a mere servant and should not rest even for a sec…but my maid is really nice towards my kids and takes very good care of them ..my concern is who will take care of my kids if she quits the job as MIL and SIL are of no use they do not even make tea for them self…

My cook is on leave for last 6 days due to ill health and I cook for all the family members after coming from office my co sil serves food only as she does not know cooking and my MIL praises her every where she gives me tea food thou I cook and prepare everything … yesterday it was high time me mil and co sil eat together my MIL would always says to my Co-sis please beta ek aur le lo hum pyar se de rahen hein rice le lo beta ..she has never said anything to me never give me chapatti or rice I feel extremely humiliated in front of them they gossip and gossip and I feel neglect working working and working only I honestly have no spare time for gossiping and discussing Tulsi’s saree set etc. and what ever time I find I and busy with kids ..feeding them cleaning them I sleep at 1am and wakes up at 6 so very much sleep deprived and they sleep at 11.30 after watching all serials and wake up after I leave for office at 8am …I feel so frustrated, small and neglected in front of them

My questions are
 What are my drawbacks , how to make my MIL happy
 I take care of maintenance of my home also as my hubby is on tour most of the time …. How to relax my self and find 5 minutes of relaxation for myself which seems impossible dream to me with two small kids , in laws and SIl
 How to say to my co-sil that she should wash her UGs small clothes herself my MIL will kill me for that
 My son does not like my MIL as she is always shouting and nagging on my maid ..he is attached to her
 What to do about maid she is really nice but extremely slow in working but takes very good care of my kids
 I feel inferior as I belong to kayastha and they and my co sis are superior Brahmin they do not involve me in some poojas’ etc..
 My MIL and Cosis talk onn stop and always look down upon me for god knows reasons

Please please guide me as hard work and this kind of environment is slowly suffocating my life ..i feel extremely neglected and low

I am very sorry for the long mail

Please friends advice me
Tamanna
Tamanna replied. Hello friends,
I was feeling so down yesterday but feeling relaxed and a bit comfortable and confident after reading your mails and suggestions … …I will surely try to abide by the advices given by you guys ….. I have tried to do following things
1. I have instructed my maid not to wash my SIL’s UG other clothes she can put in the washing machine ….
2. I have talked to my maid that I will gift her new suit and will raise her salary again , still she is uncertain due to nagging and shouting
3. My hubby can never talk to his mom as he knows she has the biggest ego in this whole universe and will start crying and creating scene …. Actually whatever she watches in TV saas bahu conspiracy she starts imagining the same stuff , and I do not know what they discuss whole day (SIL and MIL)
4. I am so touched when I heard your side of story Sonu , even my MIL does the same . Not telling me beforehand and reprimand afterwards as if I am a fool .
5. My FIL is very cooperative but he is also scared of my MIL and her volatile temperament
6. Ritika , I have a cook already who does cooking, cleaning kitchen, and washing utensils . Still with so many people around so much work and they drink tea at an interval of 15 minutes
7. My son has started copying my MIL which looks funny at times he shouts at pitch of this voice and expects us to get scared …..
I may try to speak to my BIl because she listens to him only and he adores me so much and helps me as and when I am in trouble. He is the one who can straighten her up . He is coming next wk on Rakhi …till then Please guys keep on boosting my morale as per your convenience
Thanks a ton
Tamanna
Special thanks to Sonu, Ritika, SS, BU, Manee,nn and simran ss replied. Tamanna,
I am a mother of 2 kids ,working & by god' s grace I do not have my MIL or SIL staying with me.I can totally understand your situation.
Let us go one by one:
The most important person in the family = your husband.He seems to totally appreciate you , Understand you .Thank goodness.that is one majorly needed stuff & you have it!
Next your kids!
They have a Maid who you think could take care of them very well as long as some one keeps a watch.That is good one!. I am glad you got such a maid.
Now, 2 major things solved..Husband Happy with you & kids are safe..
The only thing right now for you to worry about is now to make sure that the maid is serving/taking care of your kids more than those 2 grown up ladies who will not even wash their undergarments!..whew...what a bunch of pathetic women?!. I cannot believe these people!
More than me I am sure you will know very well about your maid & how else you can please her , try to do that..Like may be giving her gifts, incentives secretly & NEVER EVER LET HER QUIT!..Then you will lose the entire struggle which you have been doing all these years or months..it is very hard these days to find a maid whoe would lvoe/take good care of your kids trustworthily..It is so obvious that your MIL can never take care of your kids by herself. & god knows how good some other maid could be to do this job!
Your Mil, the main purpose of bringing them to your home is for your kids & don' t ever let that \" not happen\" ..ok?.
other than that, all these problems with your caste, your cooking , serials etc., are good for nothing talks!.they are only for people who are jobless or old or ! Dont ever let yourself get absorbed in self pity!
Act smart & do good to your kids...
Goodluck to you. keep in touch! Ritika replied. Hi Tamanna,

Some thoughts...

1) Your MIL would have insulted and neglected and abused you even if you belong to the Goddess family to whom she worships everyday. Your caste is just an issue. In my marriage, the caste equation is reversed i.e. my hubby is a kayastha and I' m from a so called higher caste. Does that stop my MIL from insulting me? No sirree...

The main grouse of such in-laws is the bigger fact that their son got married inspite of their opposition. Even if you belonged to their caste, sub-caste, same neighborhood, do you think she would not have behaved like this? Believe me she would.

So quit thinking like inferior and superior caste. Such a thought does not become an educated and smart lady like you...
:)

2) I think your bigger fear is that the maid might quit because of work overload.

Can you ask your husband to speak to his mom about leaving the maid alone for looking after the kids coz otherwise she might leave because of too much work?? Sometimes MIL' s listen more to their son' s rather than DIL' s (for fear that their son will get angry with them).

If that doesn' t work, can you think of hiring another maid to share the work. The first one can look after mainly the kids. The other one will mainly look after the cooking, washing etc.

3) Think again abt getting a good daycare. Your kids are impressionable at this age. Your son sees his granny \" shouting and nagging\" all the time. He' ll start to think that all this behavior is normal and will start copying that unconsiously.

At least go and check out some good daycares in yr city before throwing that idea away.

Just my 2 cents. nn replied. hi tamana,
Hats off to you... just reading your mail made my blood boil..and you are actually living it.I think bu has given you a wonderful advice..My suggestion would be that If its you or your maid who is washing your mil & sil' s undies please stop at once..I think its very degrading..Let it pile up..they' ll get the message..also Give them a royal ignore..You are a self sufficient working women...Keep your pride intact..don' t compromise on that.and don' t go overboard trying to please them..sometimes it conveys wrong message..AND on the wicked side just get the cable connection cut..ha!ha! joking..
cheerup BU replied. Tamanna,

Best medicine to avoid all this would be just ignore everything. ANd one most important thing which I learned recently is never expect anything from your inlaws. Not even words of praise.
Just remember these golden words, & you would be happy.
Regarding your SIL, if she doesn' t care about you even after doing so much for her, just ignore her as well. These people do not deserve your good behaviour. It' s very nice that your hubby is your side. And moreover think that it' s just a matter of few more months. When your SIL will join her hubby, your MIL will have no other option except to talk to you or hubby. And when you think your daughter is olde neough to go to play school, send your MIL back to her place.
All the best.
BU BU replied. Hi Tammna,

Before givin you answer for any of your quries I would like to say that I am really hurt by your statement that \" I feel inferior as I belong to kayastha and they and my co sis are superior Brahmin\" . DO you think kayastha is a low class caste, if you think so then you do not know what kayasthas are. I am so sorry for my harsh words but I am also a kayastha belongs to UP, but nobody in this world can prove or say in front of me that ours is a low caste. Please ask your parents what is the society of a kayastha family. And why do you think that brahmins are superior caste. No caste is superior in camparision to the other one. We all are same, Please understand this.
So first of all please please do not feel inferior because of this, that you belong to kayastha pariwar. Be proud of it.
Now coming to your questions:
1. I think you are trying your best to please your MIL, but she is not happy with you, just start ignoring her. When she praises your co- SIL, you also do the same, then you' ll see the magic. They will think they are not successful in hurting you.
2. Your first priority should be your kids, rest afterwards. Stop doing all those unnecessary works which consume your time & just say I am tired, can' t do more than this. I think now is the time when you' ll have to speak up, otherwise they will take you for granted forever.
3. Try to take your co SIL in your confidence or start talking to her very nicely like your MIL does, then tell her to wash her clothes atleast undergarments.
4. It' s good that your son is attached to your maid, otherwise your MIL would have started teaching him everything against you, so dont take tension from that side.
5. Start giving the maid some 20 or 30 rupees if she does overwork any day. Tell her clearly that whenever she thinks she is not able to work anymore, sit for half an hour, have a cup of tea, & then get back to work.
6. I have already told you.
7. As I told earlier just ignore your MIL & start behaving nicely towards your co SIL. Slowly she will understand. Try out.

Need not feel bad or complex regarding their behaviour. By reading your post it is clear that you are very brave & handling everything singlehandedly. So keep your spirits high. Hope for the best.
I am sorry, if anything has hurt you.
Whatever I thought should be done I have written, so if you do not agree on any point, please ignore it.

All the best.
BU Simran replied. Hi Tammana,

Don' t feel so upset dear... aise tum apna hi nuksaan kar rahe ho.

In my opinion ask your hubby and be separate from your MIL. I think this is the only option you can opt for.......

Take care and keep in touch