Relationships  Discussion Forum

I keep on asking my self always why we as a woman feel more insecure of our partner or just an illusion? Actually to put all things straight me and my husband are both working and have equally demanding jobs still I crib for his attention, love, care blah blah blah whereas he pretends to be neutral for God knows reasons. He is always engrossed in his work or on mobile and what so little spare time he gets he loves to watch TV whereas after attending and performing duties of a responsible employee, mother and a daughter in law I wish to spend quality time with my husband only few minutes not more. He is not physical at all no cuddling, no holding of hands, kiss on forehead nothing at all . He is so much insensitive about my needs always on disagreement spree. What ever I do or want he denies that. He has complete hold on my finances and does whatever he wishes.

Mine was a love marriage, the decision I might regret till I die. He has all the bad habits a person can think of but I can not leave him due to so many innumerable reasons. My parents will never support me as I married against their wish. He has no feelings towards me and I think I do not exist in his life . He comes home late drinks plays with kids and sleeps with my in laws… is not it ridiculous. I wake up early and leave for office before he wakes up so no talk nothing. He never picks up my phone calls or reply to my email …Why is he doing so is not understood. We are on cold car for last one month as he forgot our anniversary and spoiled the whole evening. He belongs to a very orthodox family where DIL are not allowed to communicate with their husband and do parda and all whereas I belong to a different plane. But he knew about all this before our marriage than why the hell he married to me and spoiled my life .

I love to be wanted and needed by him but he is so much ignorant of my needs. We are leading parallel life without acknowledging each other . He was so ruthless when I was pregnant but changed overnight towards my child the day I have given birth to a son as his parents are mad about a boy. Though he is a good father yet he a total failure as a husband . I am terribly tired and hopeless from his side because he will never fulfill my desires and wishes.
I have been reading this board for quite some time and really respect valuable suggestions, ideas and experiences share by the members
I am so very confused and hopeless at this moment of time wishing that you people will be able to enlighten me with the right advice .

Regards,
Shivani S replied. Hi Shivani,

Sorry but i was little busy with work and my son' s 1st birthday party. Well, in our case, its opposite. For me, emotional bonding is very important before physical and for him he is tired all the time and only thing he wants is physical relation. I feel like we are human beings, don' t talk the whole day or its hi/hello and then how can i feel that its his love???

About EMA, I just can' t even think about it. Even if i get a divorce (which i know i am not going to :)), it will take me a while or i may not at all get into any new relationship...EMA will just make your life more complex and how can you assure that the opposite person will not use you and then leave you? Atleast, when or till we are in a marriage, i can' t think of infidelity whether its a sin or not. We both are highly educated and work at very famous institute. He has two post graduate degrees on top of B.S and I also have M.S. degree. What your personal email address? Mine reveals my identity and can' t share it on this platform.

Take care

S S replied. Hi Shivani,

What is EMA? I am also struggling to get out of this dilemma of life. My young one too keeps me awake at nights. And I will say, I am not pursuing hard on my determination to start yoga. In my case, my employer offers free service to gym, and I can easily take off an hour from worktime. To be honest, I am more a social person and always want to have company to do something and that' s why this loneliness is killing me. I have to have someone to talk to and my husband is always busy with either work or business. Even in normal communication, he uses curse words with me and it pinches/hurts me like anything. He may not mean it, but is habituated with it. I feel like being educated, how can i take this all the time? But looking at my kids, i forget everything, even abusive language used by him. Even I think about divorce several times, but then think like what difference will it make to my life? Infact, it will be more miserable with two young kids and full time job. I am not really brave enough to go for that decision, so basically no conclusion to the problem.

This weekend i am definitely going for meditation class, and am planning to join gym too...I think it will increase my stamina too. I really know answer to my problems, but still am not pursuing it. Want to get myself and kids so much involved in other activities, that i don' t have any time to think about feelings :) and husband :)

Take care

S S replied. Hi Shivani,

I am trying this out and may be it can help you too. I am going to join meditation for beginners class (hopefully i will be able to make it :)due to my crazy hectic routine) and I have heard a lot and read a lot about it. It gives you inner strength and stamina too. Hopefully, spirituality will open up new doors for me and will not expect anything from my husband. I think expectations is the main cause of suffering, right? We too are ideal couple in society, but the way we fight like dog and cat, no one can imagine we share such ugly relationship.

We have lost respect for each other and that' s the main key in any relation. For kids, we both are wonderful parents, but we fail as husband and wife. We both go out of our reach for kids.

Just wanted to share :)

S
S replied. Hi Shivani,

I was reading your post and thought its me who is writing it...I also use same verses like you and then come to no conclusion... Are you in U.S? If yes, may be we can talk and share our pain...I know can' t get anything out of it, but may be can figure out what to do :)

In our case, we are married since 10 years and has two kids and we both work white collar job at famous place. On top of this, we have a retail business which is the main culprit i guess...Well, its not like we were not fighting before, but it was for different reasons. My sons are 1 and 3 year old and same thing, he is an excellent father...No matter how tired he will be, he will spend good quality time with kids... My thing is i really get tired and start nagging...I know its not ok but baby doesn' t allow me to do anything in the home and its a mess all the time...Always fumbling to make it descent as no one has habit of picking up after themselves and my talk doesn' t affect anyone...Same thing, i am taken for granted in the home as i talk a lot..(and i can' t change that, if i do, then i will not be real me)..Same thing, being extremely busy, I make sure everyone gets good dinner and lunch to take with them and no matter how tired i am, i make sure my kitchen is clean.

Let me not bore you with my ram kahani.But problem is he has lost all the respect i had for him, the way he treated me while pregnant... I am not sure if i love him, but i surely know i care for him and we indians, when it comes to kids, we forget all our pains and have no courage to go for divorce (though our relationship has gone to a abusive stage) Thinking about kids, i feel like why do they have to suffer if their parents can' t get along? And as i said, he is a excellent father. If i live or die, it doesn' t bother him at all...I call and never picks up my phone or is always busy...He grew up in a poor conditions, so for him, money is everything in life...I am tired of expalining him that it can' t buy happiness...

I am going nuts and am feeling extemely lonely...Ours was an arranged marriage and i am very sure he is not involved with anyone else...I am trying to let go things in the home and don' t care how untidy it is, but am not able to...Atleast i have to cook for kids, right? Even thouught of leaving him completely on his own and behave like strangers, but am not able to as i really need help from him in home..(with full time work, i really don' t have guts to do everything by myself...though i expect him too, he doesn' t and it creates a quarrel)...Am really tired of being lonely all the time...Just like in movie METRO, we do go to several social occasssions and invite people all the time, but something is missing in life and its killing me from inside...I go through depression and has become paranoid...Whenever i hear about rain, feel like we all are going to get flooded etc etc....This insecurity is killing me...

I dont know what to do but being educated, sometimes i feel like why this suffering? I can easily manage with my job, but have no guts for the divorce...May be the way we are brought up, its something i can' t gather courage for...If kids were not there, i may have thought about it...

I have become very boring as don' t feel like doing anything...

shivani replied. Thank you so much sss and shravani for your concerns .

It is not as if I do not love him or do not pay address his needs .May be it is the staleness of our relationship. My condition is more or less similar to character played by shilpa shetty in Metro. The reason why I do not want to leave him is attitude my kids. He loves them dearly and extremely possessive about them. He can go to any extent to make life comfortable for them. He is a wonderful father and a very dutiful son. He does not like to talk to me or going out with me as his parents might not like that. Given a preference between a date with me and a cup of tea … He would jump to choose cup of tea. This is all reality and I feel suffocating in that environment some solace in his presence but all seem distinct dream to me. I do things he likes or cook excellent food for him still he does not recognize my talent /needs. He thinks serving him is my duty as told by him mom. According to him I am a woman and should confine to my territory of kitchen, room. He has started taken me for granted.

I am so hopeless that I have started imagining the bad things such as i have hit my car with some vehicle or i have met with an accident something like that . Nothing will make difference in his life even my death. My existence is negligible for him but my true concern is my kids. They are my utmost priority and I have planned so much for them. I do not know but I feel so lonely and vulnerable.

Regards,
Shivani
sss replied. dear shivani,
you seems to be in a very bad situation.please try and change your situations.you say you long for love.you have to understand that men are not so open when it comes to showing affections.but they care.i would like to ask you whether you love your husband,do you care for him?if yes,show it.what pains you take to make him happy?it is not that he dont want it.but may be he is not showing care and concern because he is also upset with you.try to understand him,love him rather than regretting your decision to marry him.try to see his positives.i understand that it is required from both sides.still you try to take the initiative.he will definitely follow you.i say this b' cause the more you crib or nag the more the situation will turn bad.keep yourself happy.give your hubby your attension,love and care.the more you give,the more you will also get it.all the best!! shravani replied. I am sorry to hear your story. I dont know why ur husband is behaving in this manner. But if you cannot stand it any longer, try to contact your parents and find out if they will support you if you leave him.
If not then there can be other ways to be independant. You havent mentioned about the other family members. How is their behaviour towards you? You need to be stronger .Why isnt he taking your calls ? I am afraid if there is no communication between you two, then the marriage is going to go down the road.Openly discuss matters with your husband about this , try to get a marriage counsellor. Be open and strong in your approach, afterall you havent gone wrong anywhere so why be afraid?