Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi friends,

I have a weird problem. Thanks to this website which has shown some ray of hope to me.

I am a working lady in an IT industry. My husband and I had a love marriage.Initially, we had too many problems with our relationship.But now everything is fine. We really love and understand each other and share a good relationship.Probably because I think I have started behaving in mature and understanding manner and always try to avoid arguments between both of us at most of the times.We got married last year (Feb) and I got pregnant in Dec. Now I am 7.5 months pregnant.

Ever since I have become pregnant my husband and I shared a wonderful time and relationship.We never had any major arguments in past few months. And I really thought that he has improved as a husband.but now the problem has begun again. My husband who is also in an IT sector is asked to move abroad for few months. This is the time when I need him the most.He is wanting me to move to his parents house for my delievery who stay in other city. My MIL is a very dominating lady. I have had very bad experiences with her when ever I have stayed with her (thrice after my marriage. Since she doesn' t have a daughter, she doesn' t know n understand the feelings of a girls. She illtreats me when ever she gets an opportunity to do so.I have also seen her talking bad things abt me to her neihbour n friends..I know I will not be confortable staying at their house during my delivery time. Its a most crucial time for any pregnant woman and I want to be in complete peace at this time.My husband is a ‘’Sarvan Kumar’’ of today s time. He doesn’t like to hear a word against his parents.So I can’t talk to him directly abt this matter. Though I have hinted this to him number of times. Since past few days he has started yelling on me for every li’l thing(which he hasn’t done since past few months). He gets angry on every small thing. And whenever he says any harsh thing to me I stop talking to him. He never comes to Manao me even if I don’t talk to him for 4 -5 days. He never feels sorry after hurting my emotions. I think he is also feeling bad that he will have to move abroad at this time when I am expected to deliver after 2 months.And his frustration is coming out in this manner.

I had a choice of moving to my parents’ house also but I don’t want to do that since both my parents are not keeping well. And I don’t want to trouble them more.I somehow made up my mind to go to my in law’s place for delivery but my husband wants me to go there right now i.e. almost more than 6 weeks prior to my delivery. In that case I might have to lose my job and of course It will be very difficult for me to stay with inlaws for so long as I guess my husband won’t be able to come back before 5 months and I simply can’t stay ith In laws for so long . I don’t have friends also in that city. Plus I feel so traumatized by my MIL’s behavior that there has not a single stay with them when I hae not cried or when I have fallen ill. My husband doesn’t even know most of the things which she tell me . Because I know if I will try to share those things with him he won’t entertain them. He loves his parents more than he loves me. He gives a big share from his salary to his parents. He hasn’t bought a house and Car for us but he has done that for his parents before our marriage. His Father has suggested him to buy another property in his city and my dear husband has got ready to do so. He says he doesn’t want to buy a house in this city because he doesn’t plan to stay in this city for ever. We are paying a very high rent at present but can’t buy a flat. We move on a two wheeler even when I am pregnant but cannot buy a car. I get a good salary but I too contribute by money paying for grocery and maids and bills hence not able to save much to buy a car .

I am totally confused as to what to do now. Shall I tell my husband not to go but that can affect his growth in Job lateron. Or shall I go to my MIL’s place and tolerate all that nuisance.Pls help.
friend replied. Hai dear,

First of all congragulations for getting pregnant and going to be mom soon.This should be the most wonderful time on ur life,so try to keep ueself happy as much as possible.whatever makes u-for example try to listen ur favourite god' s mantras or chant them and get confidence.u can read baby related books,get info from net regarding preg.. and delivery,do everyday some exercise to keep u actve and prepare u for delivery,try to keep track of what u r eating,and eat whatever needed.
coming to ur delivery part,i know its nice if husband is there with us-but if not possible what we can do.think like there r many poor people
like women who do labour work-just give birth and mmediately join the hectic work-because there is no other go for them.r they not women like us?but they do it.so prepare ur mind and take life as it comes-i hope now u can make urself confident that u can do it, no matter what.remember ther' s nothing immposible if u want to.I am in U.S and did my 1st delivery without anyone and being one daughter never know or seen preg... and delivery stuff.everbody scared me but i did it-my husband i there but when my water broke i was alone and called docotor and made ready for delivery and called my husband to reach home and proceeded.so, what i mean to say is,if if husband or whoever is there its U who have to take it all-its ur body-just prepare ur mind like this-and i know u will do it.
If u feel u r not comfortable in il' s house and wont get the treatment what u wanted just drop that idea.u can even now get some elderly person(if any other relative from ur side, if u can if not parents).if thats also not possible, u can spend some money and hire an elderly maid right now from ur own city and u can be whereever u want to deliver(even ur parents place-u can hire a person just for u for this precious time-if parents are old).this will be better as it will give u a learning experience and make u more confdent person like u can deal anything in future urself. Instead of going for delivery to ill' s house and if they dont treat u well,rest of ur life u will remember this period and get frustrated and reflect this in ur marriage-which is not good for ur marriage.
I am little busy,so jst typing whatever i wanted to convey-so ignore grammer etc and hope u will make ur decision correctly according to ur comfort and wish u all good luck and soon u will be with bundle of joy and this phase will be gone.

keep happy.

urs friend.

Tanu replied. Tanya,

I think you have got a very nice husband who is really concerned about you and your baby. He might be frustrated because he is leaving you alone at that time when he really wanted to be with you. See… he is also going to miss a lot by not being present at the time of your first child’s birth that too when yours is a love marriage.

In my opinion, you should reconsider going to your parents place for delivery. You can hire a maid to take care of you and baby. At least you will have peace of mind which is very important for you and your baby.

If that is not possible then it is better to either call someone elder sis/aunt/mil at your place or go to your in-laws at the time when your husband is ready to leave for abroad. Pl. don' t stay alone at this stage in pregnancy. I wish you a safe and normal delivery but one never knows what complications might arise in final stages of pregnancy. Its better to be safe at least for your child' s sake. I know we get too emotional and sensitive during pregnancy and that’s normal. Also it will be tough to stay with in-laws but try to ignore what your IL' s do to hurt you and keep yourself occupied with your baby. Read books about baby care to educate yourself on how to take care of babies before baby’s arrival.

The reason I am suggesting you to go to ILs rather than staying alone is because I have been there. Had no family here being in US. Had no friends because husband didn' t like to have friends or let me make friends. He is money minded and could only think how to earn more. Didn' t care for me and my feelings. When I was 7 months pregnant he got an offer for a contract position in different city (at 5 hrs drive) with a better $ value. The project was for 6 months but he lied to me that the project was for 6 weeks. He said he will be coming home on weekends and that project will end prior to my due date anyways. I was nervous but somehow agreed thinking that will make him happy. Later he started telling me that project got extended by another couple weeks before I caught him telling his parents over phone on a weekend that project was actually for 6 months. When I confronted him he gave me weird explanation. He said it was his guess that project will end in 6 weeks even though his boss said it’s a 6 month project because according to him people in US are political and this is how these companies function...meaning they tell you 6 month project but send you home in 6 weeks ...and that’s why he said so...anyways I moved on by forgiving him for my child’s sake.

But I do want to tell you that I was really nervous all that time being all alone (no friends/ no relatives) in a foreign land when my husband left me alone in that stage of my first pregnancy. In my case, I had developed complications in 37th week and was on bed rest. My precious baby decided to come a week prior to my due date. Luckily all those complications occurred a few days after my mom managed to join me. But she couldn’t drive so my only option was to dial emergency help no. incase I needed to rush to the hospital. Luckily things related to my delivery went alright as I had help right in time, thanks to God. But there were days when I had severe abdominal pain and I had to call my husband in the middle of the night and ask him to rush back home and then later tell him to stay back as I felt better.

Pl. Pl. don’t plan on staying alone at this stage. Also don’t forget that keeping yourself happy is very important as it is good for you and your baby. Let us know what you decide.
Wish you a safe and normal delivery.
Tanu