Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have some bad family situation which I need to handle by mmyself.
But at the same time I need to make sure I am not ready to lose my life.
May be most of the girls may undergo the same problem.
but I am poor in handling people.

To be very frank with you , I completely lost my confidence and
I am very much in a depressed state,
I donot even remember what are my talents and career growth and my name as \" THE best girl \" in my relative' s circle. I completely lost my happiness.
But still I have hope that I can find a solution and trying every minute to change people.
But in Vain. Please help me.

I have to tell my main issue is my husband.
He' s very poor in taking decisions and never trust me for anything and egoistic.
He does not have the broad mind to appreciate what I am doing in front of others.
He always think his parents and sister are his family.
He' s not at all moving with anyone in my family.
Even when my parents came here he made them feel that they have selected a wrong life for me.Always shouting at me and think that I am nothing . based on the 31/2 years of life what I understand is he needs a wife who knwos only YES and nothing else but need to work and earn and give it to his family.

Believe me after wedding I have given all my earnings to his family to close the loan , for her siste' s studies, for getting the house for the married sister......
But the pity thing is In turn I am not getting even 1 love or affection. If I ask her sister whether she' s looking for a job , she create a big issue and made him not to talk to me for weeks when I was pregnant.

When i was pregnant I was all the time crying and nothing else.
I have to go to job and support his sister' s family whereas she never think about going for job as she wants to spend time with her daughter.


To tell the MIL , they are very tricky.I am very generous having thoughts about good relationship with MIL, FIL and SILs.But they make all crying dramas and making my life bitter. If it' s sunday I will become nervous.If I ask for any dress or jwel my husbnad is always calculating but he' s interested in getting things for them. if I ask anythhing fight.
He never wants me to involve in financial matter. I am a very good planner and always go
with the plan and he' s just the opposite. Donot know how to explain.

When I was pregnant I wanted to bring my parents as my pregnancy is complicated as I have undergone 4 surgeries in my childhood. But he refused and want to bring his.I argued with him. No luck. I agreed for them to come. During the last month after getting the visa they said they cannot come as they seek allaiance for her daughter. My MIL told me over the phone that anyway it' s your parents responsibility and they have to do things . Ask him to send the ticket money we' ll get a car here. Also if I come I cannot visiti places and always need to take care of the crying child. I was very shocked to hear the words. I realized even if they come it' s equal to nobody is available. Then I told them fine let me take care.

They got the visa for 1 year and my parents got the visa for 1o years visa and they feel jealous for that.

When i arranged for my parents to come, they cannot tolerate that too.

Some how they got the computer company owner as the alliance for my sister inlaw and They finished the marriage of her daughter within the month and they said they are going to come after one month.My mother was really upset. They didn' t even invite my parents for the wedding .

They came after 1 month and really a lot of issues. I was accepting everything as they are taking care of the baby and I need to go back to work. My FIl was shouting at me for nothing withuout even thinking that I am his daughter in law and I just delivered a baby. I was having severe migrane problems, breast engorgement.They bothe were at home . But no help. One time my aunt visisted me , they didn´ t make any food. I was working from my 2nd month. When my aunt gave them 100$ , they acted reverse and told lots of complaints about me saying that \" I am not cooking and not at ll taking care of the house \" . Just to show them I am not doing anything , they didn´ t cook anything today. and all nasty things which is not at all valid. They married their 2nd daughter to a computer company owner and they are ver orthodox. She has to wear only saree. They told that my daughter cannot wear any modern dress and she´ s wearing pant /shirts to office and I am feeling jealous.
When my pump milk for the baby, my MIL used to tell, my first SIL didnt have milk but you have it...I was really upset.

So many things happened , but even then my husband was not at all taking serious things.
He never understand my side and understand my feelings.I got them microwave , and costly items and jwels for their daughter and everything.

After going to India they went to my house [the day when My parents are starting to US]
and told them all complaints about me for 2 hours . They critised me for wearing capris in beach in a third rated way.Think about my parents situation.they also said my brought up is not good.

I was the best outgoing student in my school, college .. and I am the roll model for all our relatives for good brought up. My principal and everyone used to say my parents should be gifted to have me as daughter. We were millionares and lost everything within couple of months , then I took charge of my family, work day and night , finished my sis marriage , brothers studies and got house for my parent and .... I have a circle for me and I even donot have more than 10 dresses. I never ask my husband and he´ s also not interested in getting me anything. My parents really felt bad and felt sorry for selecting these people for my life. I never told them about any of the problems. When they know about these , you can imagine their feelings.They also told them please donot tell this to my son. If he knows that his parents are hurt , he´ ll divorce your daughter.

They didn´ t stop , they went to my sister´ s in laws house and told the same to them.
They already know me . They have a great respect for me and they also felt bad.

I always think that I am living for my daughter and I used to hold her and cry her and tell her all my problems.
She´ s really GOD´ s gift to me.

It was really hard and I have gone through the tough phase. I am still hoping that GOD is listening my preyers and change people mind.


okey, this is my situation. I am not a girl who' ll break the relationship and go for divorce and all. I know very well that bharat is very good in characters . I only need to handle them. Please suggest me some ways to make him understand the real situation and know my feelings.

I am very depressed , cannot concentrate on my work , very week and tired.

I know this is not at all good to tell family problems to others.
But I cannot go through this along anymore.
I just want to go back to the old state, get back all my confidence and get a good life.
Please help me with some suggestions to change him , get back my confidence and get a good life. b replied. Dia from her post it' s clear that sumi' s husband sees everything but doesnt say anything.I am sure she must have spoken to her husband.and hey no body can clap from one hand.how is she gonna adjuest if her husband doesnt do anything.You think talking to her husband will change everything if so it would have not taken her 3& half yrs. dddd replied. Sumi you are a good woman.please do not be submissive. Asking God to change something is good along with that we shud put in our efforts too right.Its like asking God to help us get 1st rank in exams without studying. One thing i learnt from my personal experience is God will help only if we help ourselves . That doesnt mean we do bad things and ask god' s help. No we shud do things to improve our life without any extreme things.
See in laws can be the worst of influences in husbands life.especially if it is mil-sil or fil -sil.In my case it is fil-sil combo.You need to stand up for yourself. In my case my husband too doesnt support me. But if i stand up for myself he wont say no. If my in laws abuse me he lets me give them back.In that way i shud say i am lucky. but unlucky in lots of ways. Anyway you from your post i can make out they are just milking you. They want u to get them everything they want without a good word. Anyway you cant expect it from in laws but this is something which my in laws have done too. Only they told me my parents have not brought me up properly. Becoz i took legal action when my husband was physically abusing me from 4 yrs.
dont give too much importance to your SIL-Mil.Lay down the rules with your husband and tell him how u feel. if he doesnt get it in one go . You be firm and take care of yourself.dont give any importance or financial help to in laws.Do your in laws depend on you for day to day living. if yes then tell your husband you will not be continuing and he shud take care of his parents daily life.If talking wont help give a cold shoulder to your husband just do your work ,housework and taking care of the baby. sooner or later he will miss your pampering and come back to you.
Also increase your wardrobe you are a smart kind wonderful woman. It will boost your confidence.Think of it as a treat for you being helpful to your in laws.get a makeover it will surely boost your confidence.Doing this you will look at life in a different way and your husband will notice you too.
As far as your daughter,please do not cry in front of her. SHe is a kid. She will be taking all the things you say in a way or other. SHe will become dull.Dont do that. if you really want to vent make somefriends or go to a therapist.
Best of luck . Post back ur thoughts. Chameli replied. Hey Sumi

Cheer up sumi,Time will heal this.

I agree with Dia.

Know what, ask your hubby how he expects u to be.I tried this. And only after that my husband started to think what was to be changed about me for himself.Until then he was sincerely holding the point his mother said and always kept saying me that i am the worst of character and all that.When i asked he began to think & only then he realized that problems were not because of me and only because of his ever unsatisfied mom & sister.You can also try that.In that way he won' t get angry with you also.He will begin to think.You have a girl rt.I don' t have kids.I was in kind of ur situation be4 and things are begining to settle down now.So time will heal everything.


And plz be consious that when u cry holding ur baby she might get affected by the negative energy.Atleast for her sake stop crying and look everything from her view and laugh with her.All the best.

If this doesn' t work try to almost ignore whatever ur husband does and just keep watching ur baby and all that.I tried this too I mean ignore my hubby and concentrated on house hold chores.But in my case when i tried this my MIL started to dominate and rule over.I accepted that too with patience(God only knows where i got that much patience from).Finally my MIL sent me to my parents house(finally & forever) and i went.Until then i was that so sweet wife for my husband so he started to miss me and for the first time in his life ignored his mom and came for his wife.Only after that he realized the importance of that H-W relationship.But his mother told him that he is a stupid going behind his wife.He then slightly realized that his mother is not so much concerned in his family life.


I have told u my story.Analyse this and plan things as to suit ur situation.All these stories are just to give u an account of how all women suffer and we have to change the situations.

Believe me even the slightest change in ur husband for ur efforts will bring back most of ur confidence.Then u ' l start to deal easily with things.


One more thing is get ur husband involved in the chores for ur daughter.Ask him to help u when u bathe her and dress her up and all that.

you can make him feel he is the king of the house and give him the feeling that he is supposed to protect u & ur daughter even in little things.Let him feel power over u both.Need not think twice on giving him the so called power.Show him that u blindly believe his decisions.So that he will realise who he shud concentrate on.Once he learns that he will start believing on you and involve u in his plans.Cheer up...
dia replied. Sumi,
I could see ur problem clearly.
Hey ' B' , Woman being financially doesnt mean that she need not to adjust anywhere and she has to end up the relation then and there.
even independent woman should try to resolve some situations.

Sumi, Time will definitely solve problems when we r honest and innocent.REMEMBER ,U can' t change them. But u can change ur hubby. Its really possible .
But you need to take some efforts. If you dont open ur mouth, Ur hubby never understand what ur problem is...Probably he must be yelling at u if u start complaining.
But One day, seriously tell him u need to talk to him and ask him not to open his mouth till u finish. Start telling him how ur brought up was and how u r reated by his parents.
Dont ever complain he is not buying anything. Because u cant convince him if u complain against him.Because u r independent and he might concentrate on this side point...
So stay cool and only tell issues from them that too r serious to u..
Ask him if his parents doesnt like capris, y cudn' t he tell u first? if they dont like it, they shd have told you BUT,not to ur hubby or ur parents...mention all these points with him.And ask him whta fault u have and y u r getting ill treatment .

Tell him any marrige survive only if hubby and wife be united. Any 3rd person' s entrance make both of ur life hell.

Sumi, Open up ur voice. then all probs will be solved.
I too suffered from staying calm expecting himself see my side...but it didnt happen. Once, I pened my voice and my hubby is with me now. I could see a different side in him after telling him my problems with their interference.

Thats all I can suggest u!

Ok, If ur hubby doesnt want to support u or understand u, There' s no use of u r being tolerant. Just answer them straight. When u hear any complaint from them, Just give them answer then and there. Thats it. U' ll be relieved. If ur hubby questions u about anything, tell him , he has to support u as a hubby ...BUT as he incapable of it, u r doing it for urself.

I know ,sometimes we tend to get good name, as we got it in our childhood...we expect samething from inlaws and hubby. Instead, getting bad name is really makes us dumb...So dont ever expect name for ur efforts.
Instead of buying jewels for them, u buy urself and for daughter...and stop expecting even from hubby.Because u r independent. Till u gain trust from hubby, u cant resolve problem...so try to change him and tell him (without crying) how sad u r !

Also, Dont worry that u got a bad match and relation. Except very few, no girl is lucky enough to get perfect match for her. So stop feeling bad for this relation and try to improve situations. U have lot many chances to win his heart as u r not in joint family...So try for making him understandable.


B replied. If your husband doesnt understand you,doesnt treat you well,you are indipent,you are smart then why the hack do you stay with him.i dont get that .sorry but i cant give any advice.