Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi all,

I need your advice. Those of you who have read my previous post to ‘Sumathi and dddd’ and a reply to Ayushi will know about my situation.
Well, latest on my side is that my H’s parents came to US about 2 weeks back. First week, they didn’t even try to make contact with me. Instead they all (ILs and H) were trying to hide the fact that they were here. But I knew from an Uncle in India that they were here. One week back I decided to face them and ask my FIL why he did this to me. I must mention here that I always had treated my FIL like my father. And he also had treated me like his daughter. At times he had told me that he had more confidence in me than his son. Our frequencies matched a lot too and I always had conveyed him this message with my actions that I have a lot of respect for him. As a matter of fact my H’s heart was not clear towards his father at the time of my marriage. I convinced him that his father is a very nice man and cleared his heart towards his father. In my previous posts when I complained about ILs, it was my MIL mainly. It’s just that my FIL is a very mild person and he always stands behind my MIL. Also MIL fills his ears against me and other DILs all the time.

Well, I faced them that day and told them that I had come to pay my regards to them, as they don’t have a desire to say even namastey to me. And I turned to my FIL and told him that he had disappointed me a lot. I told him that I always had this feeling that if he had to choose between ‘right’ and his son, he will choose ‘right’. If my feeling was right then he would have been with me not with his son. But he disappointed me. He was taken by the surprise first with my straightforwardness. Then he said he will choose ‘right’ but said he was unaware of the whole situation. He said he didn’t know the whole thing, and that his son hadn’t told him either. He complained why I didn’t. I told him what I had already told him before during incidents that had occurred in front of him in previous years. I also told him the new things my H had done to me lately. He was stunned and sorry. I asked him if he would have had advised me to live with a man like his son, if I was his real daughter. He said, no he would have had asked me to leave his son, if everything I was telling him was true. He said he wanted to meet me again and talk to me in length. My MIL was hurt that I was having this conversation with my FIL and that I had expectations from him and not from her. She said I never talked to her so openly. I told her that I had no complaints against her but I had expectations from my FIL because it was my desire from the time I got married that I wanted a father like FIL and I found him like that too.

Now the thing is I am going to meet my ILs again this coming weekend. I had told them that I don’t want my H to be there as he will not let me tell them what I want to and will refuse to all allegations by saying I was lying to save his face on the spot. Also my Mom is reaching here this week and will accompany me to my meeting with ILs. I know what all I want to tell them. I also don’t see any future with my H either. But I am bit confused as to how should I deal with this situation.

The problem is that I have a corner of my heart that goes for my FIL. But people around me tell me that he also has lied to me and my family a number of times and is therefore unreliable. Which according to me was under MIL’s influence. I don’t know whether I should meet them just with the idea of venting my anger over their son or should I listen to my heart and try to trust what my FIL has to say from his side? I don’t have any idea if they are going to ask me to forgive their son and reconcile or if they are going to say, ok let’s end this marriage peacefully here.

I feel bad for him because he had a strong desire for a grand-son all these years but only had grand daughters from other 2 sons. My son is the only grand-son they have at this time. Will I be a bad person if I take their only grand-son away from them? Will I be considered a mean person if I consider a life with peace and dignity more important than anything else? What if my son asks me after he grows up that why did I separate him from his father and father side relatives? Will it be ok if I agree to keep contacts with my ILs and let them spend time with my son during my India visits even after divorce with my H is finalized?

Deep inside my heart I know that I want to be called married rather than a divorcee in society but at the same time I can’t live in constant fear and torture like the way I was living with my H. What do I do?

Torn apart with so many thoughts,
Tanu
Lakshmi replied. The One , I really admire. I am the one who out the name KK[MY Initial] . You replicate the words in my heart.
I want to write and ask more things from you. Is it possible to get your email id and tanu you too.
The One replied. Ignore all the spell mistakes I have wrote this in hurry

Why are you thinking for someone else? Why are you so concern about society? Screw society and the damn ILs. I understand the behavior of your Father-in-law is good towards you and his sympathies with you on this situation but he is not going to kick his son out and take you in for good.

His desire to have a grandson is already fulfilled by you if you get divorce and move on with you life he can still come and visit you and your son (his grandson). If you think that what if my son asks me in future what happened in past! Tell him the fact. There is nothing to hide, but if you keep your relationship and take a chance you are risking the life of your son.

I have an example in near family where husband and wife are not talking to each other. They are living in same house with two separate kitchens like strangers. Their son turned alcoholic and his not going to get married. Who is responsible for this? His parents, because they should have get separated and move on with their life. They give bad influenced to his life by showing this ridicules relationship. The guy has no faith in marriage life. You can arrange the meeting with father and son if he wants to be in his life but make sure it’s supervised.

About your father in law, if he is a nice guy and mature enough he should know the difference between good and bad. If can easily get influenced by your mother in law you can’t trust him.

At the end I would suggest to get going with your life and leave him alone. Move on, be confident you deserve best. Good luck

KK replied. You should have seen my reply to sumathi amd DDDDs
Being in two mind , is really going to show you as so week.
They came , you went and visited them. It' s over.
Starting from the first, I had the same thought about my FIL and I also filled
the big gap between my husband and my FIL. But I slowly came to figure our that
he' s like saying YES to my MIL and SIL for everything and act as vey loving person to us.
He only used to ask all things for SIL and MIL because they know the trick that
we want to do good to him. He' s Hanuman Val for my MIL and SIL and
just to note he has the major contribution for compalining about me to my aunt and to my parents. YES , I cannot believe it. But this is the fact.

Now you need to be clear whetehr you want to live with your husband or not.
Donot go with all the feministic thoughts and surrender yourself to them.
So far he' s good in your mind. Thats it. Have respect to him and leave it.
You donot need to spend time in analyzing what is good and what is bad.
Think about your sons life and decide. Anyway you know that your husband is not going
to be changed withim couple of days or months. So stay calm and think only about your son.
Later if you know that your husband is changed if you still have soft corner then you can consider that situation and take decision.

But for now , please donot do frequent visits and show them that you are still interested in the relatioship.

I know this is something to do with emotions and it' s very difficult.
Sometimes we donot know certain things in life thats \" why these things are happening\" .
But things are not in our hand. Prey GOD . But donot lose your confidence.

dddd replied. Tanu its a great relief to know how you and your son are doing.Dont worry the worst is over.Now coming to your FIL you can take him into confidence and tell him everything your husband did but i really feel it might not be a big help until your husband is transformed into a better human being himself.Becoz your FIL is father to the son first right.I somehow feel have a mediator from your husband or FIL' s side in the conversation. See When my husband was arrested i had his friends as mediators i kept them in the loop . They were much better than in laws. The first time my husband made my FIL call me he without listening to me said its all your fault.The son can never be wrong. the daughter in law is always at fault.Anyway now the positive effect of all this is my husband' s friends know what happened with me and my husband and his abuse.My in laws are annoyed becoz i did it. See i tried telling them first it didnt work. I tried being patient didnt work . last resort was 911.
Also i feel be firm in your conversation. See we try to bend a little they will make us bend more. Dont talk anything about visitation or reconciling with your hubby. See i didnt give a hint to my in laws about getting back or leaving my husband.Be little stone hearted in dealing with in laws. remember they are your in laws and your husband' s parents.
Here i will mention my husband was fantasizing about that girl himself the poor thing has no idea. Before she wud be scarred for life i took legal action. my husband' s parents supported him telling they know how he feels marrying somebody wrong. What wrong my husband cudnt have asked for a bette wife. he himself mentioned it.But they keep making that point again and again so that my husband doesnt have happy life with me and ill treat me. Now he is ok. sometimes verbal abuse is there but i give him back. Now compared to before it has gone down. That doesnt mean i have started to feel love in this marriage. This is just convenience arrangement.

Take care of you and your son. Post back. Ayushi replied. Hi Didi
I dont know what to tell u.like my post ur post says everything.U cant spoil ur life by living with him.n u dont even want to be called as divorce.Thats how we all think.Firstly i would really say ur a very nice person.ur thinking about people who tortured u so much.still thinking about their feelings when no one thought about u.Im not at an age where i can advice u but still i would reallyy say GIVE IT A LAST TRY.If they try to reconcile try to save ur relationship.When u have spent so many yrs why not try for just some more time??I know im thinking from heart but still its better to try once more.N when u meet them ,tell them everything but very politely n softly.show them what you are in real.This will prove that ur husband was wrong n may be they will try to make him understand.If u shout or scream or blame i dont think something good will come out of it.deal it with lots of patience n very diplomatically.let it be a meeting where u try to make all of them urs.i know life isnt that easy but still give one more try.I will really pray for u
ALL THE BEST jina replied. First of all, my heart really goes out to you. I pray God will guide you. It is good that you' re being straight with everyone involved. Good relationships in the long run are based on the truth. As for your FIL, tell him (and your MIL) everything but don' t expect or be disappointed if you don' t have their loyalty. Your H is their son and their loyalty will go with him first no matter how bad he is. As for your son having relationship with your in-laws, it would definitely be good for your son, as long as they are nice to him. Can never go wrong with too much love! Right?! Hope your life becomes filled with happiness soon! God bless you!