Relationships  Discussion Forum

Thank You very much Mini,Dia,Ritika,Bhavna,A Friend,r,Anu,Rebel Woman,Real Person,Known Stranger,dddd,reader.In this world where people dont have time for one another,u people gave me ur precious time.Thanks a lot.Im still very very very depressed.Im unable to forget him n moments i spent with him.He has been a part of my life actually part of me for 5 yrs.the more i try to be strong the more i remember him.Believe me its not related to status or money.I belong to a well to do family n then i have a nice career too.it will be more easy for me to go for MS in India as i know everything about education system here.BUT I LOVE HIM.I AM GETTING MAD>PLS TELL ME WHAT TO DO.My mother knows everything n is asking me to break this engagement.BUT i cant leave him.Every second i have thought about him.how to be strong ?i dont know..pls help Dia replied. Dear Ayushi,
He is not going to change his behaviour after marriage. Remember this 10times a moment and remember only the abusive behaviour and his negative talks to come out of this bond.

My cousin was in love with a Guy for 8yrs since her Intermediate. Once she got settled in MNC ,she could realise he is not matching her thoughts( He is not abusive or bad, but very conservative and his way of living is not matching her path) .He couldn' t get in to similar job ,so he started showing ego and etc...She tried to analyse herself whether he is going to be a good hubby? She just had an option to reject him because she was not married him yet.So spent with him more days and even tried to adjust...But he started showing dissatisfaction on her going office parties .All he wanted her to spend all time with him like she did before this job.

So she simply changed phone number and shifted to another location and that guy kept calling her. But she called his mother(she is also my aunty) and told as their mentalities r not matching she has to break this bond.And requested aunt to tell her son to not to reach her again. This aunty really broke down with this incident ,but coud realise its better to break bond b4 marriage than suffering for life loong. That boy was in depression for some days..But now he is fine to marry another girl.
This girl really felt bad for rejecting for simple reasons because she has gotten much support frm him before her job and thta girl was poor and he supported financially and and convinced his parents to marry her and his family used to gift her many a things even before marriage they treated her like a family member.
But she strongly decided, not his family and love BUT the behaviour btwn couple is important and at last came out of that memories and now she married to another guy and had a child.She is very happy with her present life.

So, Dear Ayushi, u r not like that girl who rejected just for benefit of doubt.U r really in danger and will be in dangerous relation with this guy. He is not even that loving and caring for u. Remember only his negative talks not sweet things...So just soon u can forget him.

Dont think u can' t live without him. Think that u can' t live life with him peacefully.

Y dont u think about him other way? Probably he is not loving u and might be dating with other and want to keep u in distant? Yes, even this might be happening there ,so being abusive to u. Think this way and build complete negative impression on him. so that u can make ur heart rock steady not to think about him again.

Ayushi, Like I told before, U shdn' t repent for marrying him after ur marrige .Its always better not to be in touch with complicated personalities.


My hubby is good but MIL is sweet coated cunning. Still I feel If I would have known her before , would have avoided this marriage.Though ,I have choice to ignore her , I cant do it. then if hubby is not nice, imagine, how would be ur life happier ever after?

All the best and keep thinking only negative things about him. a friend replied. Hi Ayushi,

Good. U r trying to come our of a abusing relation. I know nobody can forget their first love through out their life. But, once u decide very strongly, it is very easy. First thing is that don' t word your thoughts internally. Let them just go on. Keep yourself busy as much as you can. Finally someday u yourself won' t know how u came out of past. You learned from the past, live in present, plan for the future.

ALL THE BEST!
Tanu replied. Hi Ayushi,

I am happy for the fact that you have come to know about him before marriage. Pl. learn from our experiences on this board and get over him. So many of us couldn' t realize we were in abusive relationships until 3-4 years of marriage and by that time we had became so week that it was difficult for us to gain back our confidence and self-esteem. You are a fortunate one, God' s dear child. God doesn' t want u to suffer and that’s why he has given you this chance to come out of an abusive relationship.

In my case, my husband is not only verbally abusive but has even hit me first 5 years of marriage. You know my husband was engaged to some other girl before marrying me. He and the girl were supposedly madly in love with each other (that’s what I have been told by him and his family after marriage) even though it was arranged marriage for them. She was in India and my husband used to call her every day from US. They would talk for at least an hour everyday. That girl had plenty of time in the world to judge my husband. One fine day my husband abused her over the phone, she listened to him for a while and then she hung up on him. That was the last call she ever got on with my husband. Next thing she did was to return the engagement ring to his parents. My husband made numerous calls to his relatives and apologized but all in vain, she never talked to him ever again. That was it! She was lucky. She found out what was coming her way.

Now when I got engaged to him, of course his parents had all the false stories in the world to tell us that the girl was bad. We believed their sweet talks and innocent faces. Next thing they did was to make sure that their son doesn' t call me enough so that I don' t do the same. And even when we talked his mom used to ask me every minute detail as to what did we talk over the phone. I thought she was just like any other interfering MIL. Though I was bothered by her behavior but God knows why, I ignored her.
Here I am, 7 years after marriage, have a 15 month old son, living separately and filed for divorce.

So what do you think, you would want to be. That first girl, who was lucky enough to find out before marriage and was brave enough to break the bond of her own love, or me, who went through humiliation and pain for a number of years??

Call is yours. May God give you the wisdom to think in the right direction?
Good Luck!
Tanu
Ritika replied. Ayushi,

Getting over any relationship is never easy...specially one where you love the guy...

You can start by analyzing your need to be this man inspite of his abuse and neglect.

You can also ask yourself whether it is more important for you to live your entire life (that stretches out in front of you) abuse-free than volunteering to be a victim for his abuse.

And when you are analyzing, do NOT give excuses on yr fiance' s behalf that \" guys are like that\" (since All guys are not like that), its not merely \" fun\" when he wants to have sexual chats online (in a way he was cheating on you)...

You can try focusing on his negatives - e.g. how much he abused your mother and will never care for yr sibling (inspite of his protestations to the contrary), on his online flirting and sexual chats (which an emotionally committed man would never do)... every time you start thinking that you can not live without him, ask yourself what kind of a life would you have living with him?

You spoke about him lowering your self esteem...ask yourself what good will it do to you to have your self esteem and confidence battered over years..when he belittles you, shouts at you, is that going to sustain your love for him?

Why do you think that asking him about his online chats is going to pain him? When he is the offending party!

Why do you think its ok for him to talk about his previous girlfriend to you (specially when he is engaged to you)?? How do you know he had a physical relationship with her? Does he keep talking abt it?

Why do you think its ok and not disrespectful to you?

And before you give the excuse on his behalf that \" all guys tend to do this\" , ask yourself, how many committed guys have you seen doing this.

Ask yourself - Is your need to be with him in spite of his abuse stronger than the need to have a happy life, a rewarding life, a life with a partner who values you and your love???

Are you going to throw away everything for a man who has given you so much pain for the past 5 years?

Why do you not think that you deserve better treatement than this man is giving you?

You are a doctor...do you know of any counsellor/ therapists in bombay you can go to? That might help you out of your jumbled up thoughts...even a few sessions will help I' m sure..

There is never an easy way to get over somebody...its always hurtful...

Maybe not for the same reasons as you, but I assume most of us go through some heartbreak at some point in our lives...you are not alone...and the one thing that I know will be extremely difficult for you to believe right now is that time does heal things and give you a fresh perspective.

I might be wrong - but from whatever you have written about this guy - and the way he treats you...I just dont see him turning into a devoted husband over night after marriage.

You can take control of your life, dump him and suffer heartbreak for a few months or you can stay with him and suffer abuse and neglect all your life (or till whatever time you decide to put up with it and say enough is enough)...

I' m kind of repeating myself over and over here...but dear I' m just concerned for you...and hope you take the right decision and cope with it...its never easy seeing a woman voluntarily suffer abuse, so thats why my big email...

May God give you courage and the insight that you need...take care...and god bless... Rebel Woman replied. Well Ayushi,

Most of the people on the board have been unanimous on your case and your would be has been identified to be a abusive partnar. There are plenty of abusive marriages which still go on for reasons other than love and abuse.

So if your other reasons are so compelling you may end up marrying this abusive man, but I want to correct one concept of yours. Breaking even a abusive relationship is not easy and the pain you feel in that break up is NOT due to the fact that you really LOVE the abusive partnar, but the trauma that you have, are still and will suffer as a result of the break up. But still break up may be the right, in the sense of total minimal pain, solution!

I have also met people who have gone through this pain and have reported later that they are happy and feel vindicated that they actually broke the abusive relationship.

Its all upto you now. dddd replied. hey,first of all you are a smart independent woman.I have been thru abusive marriage and now i am still recovering from it.My husband has transformed into a caring husband now. But i have lived the hell for 4 yrs. if i had known about this before marriage i wud have never married him. Here you have a golden opportunity.he is abusive now imagine what he will be after wedding. then he will have all the freedom to do more. ask yourself do you really love him. and more importantly does he really love you?has he been faithful to you.Love doesnt survive by its own. It also needs constant nurturing. Is your love getting it.
Discuss it calmly with your mom .Think and come to a decision.Best of luck and post back.