Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,
I had an infertility problem and had to wait for 5 years to get a child. I had a miscarriage too. I was working before i delivered the child and quit after she was born. Dealing with the infertility was tough on me and hence i never concentrated much on my career. as a result i never got great hikes or promotions or nothing of the sort. I never speak back to my father-in-law who used to be abusive. My co-sister always made use of all this and turned my fil against me. He even went to the extent of saying miscarriage is something i deserved and smiled happily when i cried. My husband and fil believe my co-sister to a great extent. my fil having lost his wife thought the first dil is the one whom he has to depend on and hence always was nice to her and never complained about her. since i never used to speak back to my fil, my co-sister made sure she instigate my fil against me by cooking up stories. I put up with all this, of course i have had lot of emotional tantrums handling so much pressure. I have had talks with my husband but he never listens. if i talk in the night time, he sleeps while i am talking and if it is day time, he walks out of the house if i talk.
When i got pregnant at last, my husband said he wanted a girl. but i got a girl who is dark like me and not fair like her father. my husband never bothers about the child and when he comes back from office, he wants me to do service for him, attend to him, be smiling to him always. he never cares even if the child is crying and says she is a very troublesome kid. he doesn' t like me talking to anybody, never likes if i make phone calls, if i receive phone calls or if i have friends. As i had worked before, all this only makes me feel that he is unhappy with a dark girl child, unhappy that i don' t earn anything and just a waste of money for him. he never talks to me affectionately or plays with the child. it becomes difficult to even cook in the weekends for me as he wants me to be attend to him and never takes care of the child for even 5 mts. I have tried speaking to him, but he always never responds and goes to sleep even while i am still talking. what is happening here ? do men always like male child and do they want their wife to earn a lot to even listen to her ? but after all this, he says he does like me and has affection towards me. But his behaviour is not so. I really do not know what to talk to him, how to talk to him. Everyday he says that i don' t listen to him, i don' t keep the house neat and tidy, the house smells of urine, the child smells of urine etc. He keeps shouting that the kitchen is not clean even if i ask him to bring a sipper or something from the kitchen while attending to the child. But people who comes to my house say that i am keeping it neat. hvt replied. hi ,
Be financially independent. Everything will sort out eventually.
If you are interested in working either from home or elsewhere, contact me and we can take see what you can learn.

Do you know computers even basics? Saheli replied. By any chance, can you get back to doing a job? If not your previous field, then may be some other? It wont be a bad idea to go to your previous field as well. Is it possible that you read books and prepare and start from , say, entry level again?

the FIL, co-sis and hubby problems that you have, i agree they are there. But finding a solution for them seems to be a next step.
If you stand on your feet and start earning, it may address most of front-facing problems. Most imp - It would give confidence to you, help your family/hubby in financial terms, you can save for yourself and the child. When you would be out of home, you would also be away from all these people - as you would face them less, there will be less issues automatically, and your mind will be diverted.

If you choose to work, put your child in a day care.

You need to be confident first to start working again. You would need to prepare to hubby' s and family' s Qs for the decision. You need to be firm on your decision, and if anyone says - dont do it - u wd need to say u want to try it out and if doesnt work u ll leave it.

As for the job, promotion, hikes, etc - well - i dont think that matters much if you have a vision and determination. Any time is a good point to start. Dont let past failures block your mind, start afresh. Look at all the great leaders that hv been there - how many of them have gone up in first shot? Most hv them have fallen down but stood up again.

As for infertility - i think it depends on the way one thinks. If you think it as a weakness in you, you will suffer from inferiority complex and lose confidence.
Everyone has some problem or weakness, no one is perfect. Some of us cant control eating, some are v thin, some are handicapped, some cant control anger, some people are too easy to influence. In all cases, there is something lacking. When people cant control what they can humanly control, why point fingers at God-given? Thats rubbish.
And look at the positives. You have a child right? There are mothers who dont have it at all.
So stop thinking about that infertility thing anymore.

And my 30 yrs of life has taught me the same lesson again and again and again. And those who hv seen life more than me, I m sure will agree to me. -
Its the person' s brain and person' s attitude towards life that matters at the end of the day. No color beauty or height ir going to help if you dont have these.
Contrarily, if you dont have beauty but have attitude and brains, you can still leave everybody behind.

Its silly to think of having a dark baby.
Look at India' s president and then tell me if you still want to say the same.

Sudha, I think its you who should stop thinking about the color at the first place.

Dont talk about color to your hubby, dont reply if he says anything. Just cut that topic out of life and mind.

Moreover, if you keep thinking about it, take my words - you will pass on that complex to the child unknowingly. Please dont do that.

I forget the name - some great, present leader in India said this -
This person thanks his mother for teaching him the \" confidence\" in life. He says, when he was looking at his school photo he realised he was shortest in the class. He thanks his mom for never ever letting him know/feel that. He believes thats what has given him the confidence to achieve anything!

So tell us if you want to go back to job. Then we can discuss more.

And let it be any job. Just make sure you dont start a business.

You are lacking confidence in yourself.
you have worked earlier, you have had a baby and you are a good mother. You can do anything you want.
Be confident, be happy. Let the child enjoy her childhood. Address first problems first.

Good luck. sudha replied. yes, it makes a lot of difference when you bring money home. he complains about the rising electricity bills, earlier it used to be lesser as we both were working. he counts each and every expense he makes for me. well, i guess over a period of time i will be immune to everything. friend replied. Hi sudha I can understand your prob. I had some prob in conceiving. When I had a girl and she is not that fair. I am preety fair but my inlaws and my husband keep on telling me that I am not fair that' s why she is also not fair and keep on telling that how cute her sis daughters are. I use to feel very bad.and whenever he is angry he use to tell me I have no affection with this girl you can take her and go out of my house.I never asked him to hold her or play with her But I use to play hold her and give all my love. I went to india for few month when he came there and saw my daughter is having fun with me saying I love you all the time to me. and playing with everyone except him he felt bad, after returning he started playing with her now she also close to him. It make a difference when you work and bring money to home my husband keep on telling me all the time That I am of no use and don' t bring home a single penny. My advice is you do your work and just totally ignore him regarding baby, you will see the difference that your baby is close to you and that is the happiest moment. Me replied. Hi Sudha,
I am not sure how you let Co-sis and FIL have charge of your life !!! Anyways nothing gone too wrong ..You still can change everything .
First donot try to change everything at once ...One step at a time !!!
1) Donot care for what Co-sis or FIL thinks .. not imp..they shud be the last in ur list of things to do.
2) Imp is ur Hubby bonding with ur daughter. Few tips :
a) Donot force him to hold her or play with her .. You do it in front of him and let him see how much fun you are having with her.
b) Dress her well .. Put the cutest of dresses avl which will make her look like a doll.
c)Keep talking abt her .. telling how naughty she gets or how playful she is etc ..if needed cook up some story!
3) Next in ur list- you bonding with ur hubby . After kid usually men feel a lil withdrawn. Same happened with my hubby ..he would sit quietly with his laptop not knowing what to do .. Once I had a big fight with him over his lack of response when I talk and his reply opened my eyes.He said \" You talk less and complain more .. You are always complaining abt work or maid or my parents or my sister or something else...You never talk.. You just complain\" I thought over it and yes it was true I had become a complaining nagging wife without even my own knowledge... So I changed myself.
4)Talk with a smile on face and dont complain for sometime abt anything. When ur daughter grows up a lil .. look out for a good creche so you can start looking for a job.
Bottom line: Yes it does make difference when you start working and bring home money. You are better heard and better respected !!!



Dia replied. Hi friend,
I understand u r doing ur part honestly but this is not uncommon !
This is common phase many women face afer child.
Even my close friend remeber days when her first child born, he was not affectionate to her and baby and was never played with baby , but now he just love this girl like anything...than the second male child. So I' m sure he' ll turn out to be same.


Just, leave about ur FIl ,he is not worth ur respect and thoughts.Just keep silent and talk less with him. Dont try to convince him or realising him to see ur part. He is stubborn enough and not willing to be positive with u.

Coming to ur hubby,Here I would like to see other end .I know u r correct and I understand the pain in not being cared by hubby.
But r u really being same with him and giving enough attension? Sometimes many women face postpartum depression and happen to see many negatives in life.
WHen ur hubby told he is still affectionate ,pl dont worry much . Its not a big problem and going to settle down once ur baby become a toddler.Many hubbies r poor in showing love especially after child.

Also, u said ur hubby might be unhappy with darkchild. No dear, Recheck with his behaviour, it might be ur illusion.
Many dads want male child, but once baby is born, they dont care about gender and dont care with color. They start loving their own blood child.If case is little different, then wife has to do exersice to involve him in her duties like playing with her.

See ur daughter and mention her plus points.Say 10times a day that she is resembling him many ways. Dont much mention about color.
Also, color will not be the same once she grow up. She might become fairer. But I personally believe, No dad love his child for color .
My cousin had twingirls and one of them is dark like her and another is white like her hubby.
But now she turned 3 and cant tell she is dark. she got nice color now. But her hubby always liked mcuh this so called dark baby fr her activeness.Really I dont like saying babies dark or fair. No color isgreat

So pl forget urself about color. He must be having another causes for not being well. HAve a maid sothat u can reduce ur work load.
This time when he says \" home is unclean\" ,Immediately hand over child to him and say\" yes, dear! I' m too worried to make it clean , Play with her sometime, And I' ll clean it and will be back in minutes. See, Even ur girl like playing with her dad,However own blood makes lot of difference , she doesnt go to anyone but she is eager to come to u....\"
This sweet drama shd go on ,and whether u feel good or not u have to act this way to make their bond strong.
In recent survey( I read it in local paper ) 87% of mothers lie their hubby that kids resemble them though thye dont see it in real. Just to make their bond stronger.

SO Do it frm ur side and rest leave to that child. She is gonna become her fathers center of world. When she become toddler, Her actions, talks make him melt down.