Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have been putting my issues to this forum since long. I didn’t receive any response to my last post. But last week wasn’t a pleasant one so I please request you to help me in this situation.

My husband and I had a lot of misunderstandings and odd moments when my in-laws were here to visit us. We are just 1.5 years into marriage. And I think cause of just in-laws, we are not getting along too well. Issue are too many to put forward however one among them is that I have a strong feeling that I am not being accepted by his family. Which to hubby appears is my psychological problem and not an issue with his family. I am sure not their preferred choice. And when they were here, my MIL behavior was a lot possessive towards my hubby and she took the entire control of the household. Well, now that they are gone, it has left a sharp –ve impression on me and I literally lost all my confidence. I don’t talk ill or have any expectations from them. But my hubby is forcing me to change my mind set and wants me to try and win their heart. He wants me to obey whatever they say, try to ask their opinion before every action, and let them have control if they intend (he feels that this way we give respect and earn their blessing). I cannot be a puppet but seeing all this made me go into huge depression last week. It was difficult to utter even a single word. I didn’t know where the problem was and how to explain my thoughts to him. My hubby felt that I am emotionally torturing him and started giving me 911 warnings. He actually called 911. Thank goodness that I dealt with that situation by canceling the call at that time but that really got me scared – sometimes I feel that running back to India is a solution but I don’t know what I should do. Please help.

My hubby is a very reasonable person however when it comes to his parents, he becomes a lot defensive. I love him dearly but really don’t have a clue how to deal and make him understand.
Smriti replied. Thanks ddd, anu and hi,

Glad you read thru my post and gave me advise. It really comforts me that you understand my issues. I do have a job and i know it is more if you are without one, but i dont know how to focus and deviate my mind of all these miserable thoughts.

I tried talking to my hubby and I have asked him to let it flow through rather then bounding me with the restrictions. I just feel that hubby is like my friend and really dont want to carry a fake mask in front of him. And the irony is that if something hits/hurts me bad, it shows it on my face. I wish i could be diplomatic as you guys have suggested.

I still would try to follow the footsteps that you folks have explained and see if this brings about any change. Thanks and i' ll keep you guys posted... hi replied. hi smriti,anu and dddd,
very well said.both are correct spl keep singing songs of ur in laws infront of ur hubby pretend u care for them so very much plus dont leave any chance if u get to tell any flaws to ur hubby in very very polite manner keep telling ur hubby how much u care abt him so that he will start deviating his mind more towards u. when ever u call india try calling to ur inlaws first in front of ur hubby and show that how happy u are talking to his parents so that he will not get chance to say anything to u regarding his parents ask their opinion in front of ur hubby but do as u like telling flaws and benefits both in both opinions

but the main thing is to deviate ur hubby' s mind more towards u then his parents.

my hubby was also like that but once we aere going to india i told him b4 that plz dont forget that u have a wife and a kid when u meet ur parents ,bro and sis LIKE U DID LAST TIME i gave stress on the capital words. and after saying this i hugged him making him realise that he comes first in my life then others so that he also start feelings same. and now he just listen but we do wat we feel like doing

when my MIL came she also made my life hell once she made major issue of something but i didnt said anything to her then slowly my husband realise that his mom is wrong

i have learnt this from my jethani being diplomatic after marriage really works as MIL get fear og loosing their son to their dil.
chalo byetake care anu replied. Hi Smriti

Firstly just be sure that you are not having any imaginary problem but real depression caused by ur in-laws.Same happened with me in USA after MIL returned back to India after her 2-1/2 months stay.I used to cry a lot and felt the same as u r feeling....H was good to me at that time but also behaved just like ur H and could not understand my emotions then..what worked for me ?
It was a single counselling session with professional counsellor that helped my H a lot in understanding me and life again became beautiful.

Search out any good psychologist covered by your insurance and go with your H .Accept before him that you are having problems and you need a professional help to come out of depression .Believe me ..dont waste your time in crying over in laws as dddd already mentioned.They are not worth for that but quality of your married life holds utmost importance.
Take professional counselling as soon as possible.
All the best and reply back.
dddd replied. Smriti you are a smart woman. DO not bend down in any way. One plus point is you dont stay with in laws.dont let your husband talk u into ridiculous things. its not you but any dil is a distant relative to in laws. they act like that.they will never accept a dil. Till how long you can bend backwards to please in laws still they will want u to bend somemore. there will be no end to it.
You should just be tactful in dealing with in laws. you know my in laws act like they are all worried for us in front of husband. behind him they care a damn. I live in US. my in laws in india. But they never leave a chance where they can abuse me.otherwise practice black magic so that their son will fight with me.
In front of your husband act like you care for in laws. sing their praises.and talk to them asking them for suggestions in major decisions. But after a point draw a line.meanwhile try to get a job be independent. you bring some money in the house husband sees u as a person. Its very sad we wives have value only when we are earning.but its a hard fact we have to accept. I am also waiting for my work permit to get on to the workforce. best of luck. And remember we shudnt be depressed about in laws they are not worth it. worth having pain over. the less time we spend over their inflicted pain the better.
best of luck. buckle up and post back.