Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi friends,
I have a variety of problems to start with. Our marrige is 6 yrs old and right from the beginning my hubby hasn't been in good terms with my parents, and always tries to avoid them and insult them and never even visits their placemy parents have been nice to him.I have tried to explain about how it hurts, but still nothing seems to improve.

Right now my mil is sick and bedridden and in a critical stage. And thus he has been making many trips to india and we are already into debt due to hiscontinuous visits to india. And i am bit too worried about the quantum on debt we are in. WE have a 4 yr old kid as well and i am worried that we have to save soemthing for her future as well. To avoid all this i keep telling him that we would better pack up our bags and return back to india, and help out mil there, without all these frequent trips. Cause a life full of debt abroad is no good when compard to a moderate life in indai. But he dosen't listen to that and keeps saying things will be fine.More ever his brothers have tons and tons of bank balance, and still they don't wish to handle the major part of the expenses They alway s expect an equal share from us, though they know that we are alrady into financial crisis. and this really hurts me.And in spite of all this they keep telling us that they are alrady deprived of their saving, etc etc. which is totally ridiculous.

My hubby always makes his trips only on loss of pays, and his dad knows about that very well, but still nobody seems to worry about the phase we are undergoing.

And everytime he leaves me and my kid behind here, and goes to india, and we are really finding it difficult to stay alone in such a place, without much friends or well wishers, which is my biggest problem. I really don't know how to cope up with it. SO he suiggested that i visit his brother's place when he is off to india, and i agreed, but while i spoke his brother's wife, din't want to welcome us whole heartedly and never even siad, for courtesy that she is glad to have us there, and so i decided that i am not going to be an uninvited guest in theri place, and hence told my hubby that i would stay back here. But hubby tells me that i am trying to find fault with them and i can't expect her to fall at my feet and invite me. I never expecte all these from them, all that i need is a simple word to welcome, but they just seem to say everything just for a courtesy, and now when i say i don't want to visit , my hubby is annoyed and never talks, and i feel so bad as if i am the one doing the mistakes always.

More than anything i am really upset about the raltionship he has with my parents, he never even speaks to them when he goes to india, and always, expect only my dad to come and see him in his place, and i a m relly disturbed about all this. Since i have so many problems put together as a package in my life, i soemtimes feel really helpless and don't understand what else to do.please give me some suggestions throwing light on all the different kind of problems i am facing.thanks in advance preethi replied. I am so happy to see that the problem i face is so common.I have been married 5 years and my husband has always been negative towards my family.This has been encouraged by his widowed,very insecure and crooked mother.It has always hurt me, and since we had a child 9 months ago, i feel it even more.And as i see in all of your cases,my husband and inlawas don't seem to understand that as you sow so shall u reap, and that with their poor behaviour they simply can not expect to recieve anything different in return.
I really agree with nishu's comments...just keep faith and ,as my father always says \";BE POSITIVE\"; as all peoples bad behaviour really becomes obvious in such a situation.
Good luck to everybody,
Preethi. abx replied. Dear god bless and nishu,
thanks for posting ur replies and sorry for the delayed reply. After seeing the behaviour of my sil i decided to stay back in my place itself, and politely told my sil that i am dropping my plans of visiting them and really happy about my decision. Nishu as suggested by u i learnt that only self dependance is the best on earth. AFter that my sil never even bothered to call me up and neither did i. Hubby made it a big issue saying i am trying to ignore his relatives, but i blew him up and told him right away what happnned, and said, neither is my sil interested in having us there, nor did they even invite us nicely, and above all these she even started giving me lectures, that i should do this and tht. And hence even hubby din't open up that topic after that. My friends around me are giving me such good moral support, which nobody else could have given me. They call me every day , if i need anything. So sweet of them. iAM FEELING MUCH BETTER ,and thank heavens that i din't go over to my bil's place as an uninvited guest.
God bless, sad,to hear about ur story as well, something similar to mine. How are u coping up with it. As u said, there are certain thing which me must ignore, and shouldn't let it bother us much, coz its only ruining our happiness.
And nishu, as u suggested , about sponsoring my parents, by voluntarily going to the bank and withdrawing money and all won't work in my case, coz i have never handled his bank accound so far, and only use mine which is a small share, so i don't think i could do it that way./ That would only lead to more commitions. But i have decided to wait and see what happens in future, if things dosen't happen smoothly , the again i might have to raise this issue, and fight it out.
thanks again both of u
bye for now and keep in touch nishu replied. hi abx,
There are so many women who face these issues. I guess its an essence of being a woman in India to take all this crap from everybody. After listening to ur story, its like bin there and done it.
Anyway, you alone can help ur self. Don't feel lonely when ur husband goes to India. Try to make friends with ur child's friends parents etc. You can develop some kind of hobby. Go to library, visit places where ur child can enjoy some activity and participate with her. You should stop feeling bad for ur condition coz it won't change ur husband's attitude. Your in-laws are not here so atleast they don't interfere in your day to day life so forget all the harsh words they said to u. But u should never forgive them. Unfortunately in India, the responsibility to keep the marriage going is wife's. Since divorce is out for most women, best is to avoid confrontation and behave diplomatically. Since ur husband is being so careless with his money, why don't u hide some money from him and save it for future. Gradually he will realise the value of wife and kids. Anyway by then ur relationship will be ruined but there's not much u can do about that. For such people, u can only hope their kids will teach them a lesson. In anycase women turn out to be losers.
About ur parents coming here. Just inform him that ur parents are visiting on this date and that's it. They don't need his permission to come here. When the time comes, go to the bank and get all the necessary documents and bank summaries and sponsor ur parents .Why do you have to ask him to do it. Why bother him for something you can do by yourself. Its ur bank account too so just take this liberty and take matters in ur hands. There is not much paperwork that is required for ur parents anyway coz they are old.
Somehow when a wife's parents visit, husbands get the leverage to misbehave to the extreme so be prepared for that. Just ignore that. People around you won't change. You have to change. So don't worry if your sis-in-law did'nt invite you. You should be so independent that you should not reach out for help. This is the harsh lesson that life has taught me. You have to take care of yourself. Don't have any expectations from anybody.
Remember, you got to do what you go to do!! Just do whatever it takes to get ur work done. Don't worry about the means, just worry about the end result.
Bye
Saheli abx replied. Dear neelima ,

Thanks a lot for the quick response. I agree to all the facts u have written. I too feel since mil is sick now, its not the best time to talk in detail about anything. But the truth is even before my mil was sick, all these things kept happening.My hubby always suported only his parents and always found fault only in me, and it went to such an extent that he even complained about everything to my dad, saying u din't bring up ur daughter properly and all sorts of bullshit. But the truth is they all are highly egoistic and expected daily calls and e mails from me, and i din't find anything to talk to them so often, and hence they ended up saying i don't respect them and all blah blha. Anyways, all thes were old stories, when my mil wasn't sick, and hence i have decided within my mind to excuse her for all that she told about me, since its inhumuman to tell about an ailing person at this stage. In spite of all the ahppening i feel sad, and feel sorry for my hubby that he is going to lose his mother soon. I really pity them. BUt the thing is once my fil disrespected my parents so much that he asked them to get out of their house, and it is that which i still can't digest. I don't still expect my fil to apologise with my dad, for that bcoz i know he is egoistic and he won't do it.

But as a matter of courtesy i still expect my hubby to apologise with my dad, or if not that.; atleast expect him to visit my paren't place though not now, atleast in a lter stage. But he dosen't seem to be doing anything, but expects good behaviour only from me always, which is really difficult. And after taking so much of shit from them my paren't feel it embarassing to come abroad to come and stay with us.

MY point is only this, like he sponsored his parents to our place, i want him to sponsor my parents as well and treat them well. Coz after all even i wish i had my parents with me atlest once. I know once my mil passes aay, my fil will be spending time only with his three sons, and we are one among them. And i also whole heartedly welcome him to our place. But why can't my hubby do the same thing to my parents(though not immediately, alteast think about it.) WHenever i try to speak about it he just makes bahanas and changes the topic. All this is really frustrating right, and my desire to have them here, gets doubled.

To be crisp when i have forgotten all my in law's mis deeds, and excused them and treat them well, why can't hubby also treat my parents(though my parents haven't done anything wrong ) Where can a solution arise for this . This is my only dream, to atleast sponsor my parents and bring them to my place atleast once, after we stabilise finacially. Neelima replied. . As for your hubby not treating your parents. You cannot change him . Maybe he has been bought up in the old way, where he xpects that girls side should come and visit.

. Instead of telling hubby how much it hurts you, ask why ? he is that way to your parents. based on the answer, even if it is not true, try to make him see your parents point of view.

. If that doesn't help , give some time till mil situation is done and then you can take up that part.

. Someone told me that in relationships: aadmi paison ka bhooka nahi hotha, vyavhaar ka bhooka hotha hai
meaning: people do not care for money
but they care for behaviour.
Unfortunately, no body can tell this to your hubby. Neelima replied. It is sad that you are having so many problems. But, one has to face them and try to get a solution.
. Everyone back in India think, we earn a lot of money. We cannot change the notion.
. Atleast his brothers are sharing equally, that should help. Some people end up doing everything.

. At this delicate time your mil sickness, the less said the better.

. Look for work , if you are not working , even part-time baby sitting helps and can supplement the income at home. Preparing chapathis, curries etc. for people who pre-order can also help.

. Staying alone away can be scary without anyone, try to make friends in your complex or at religious places. Atleast, acquaintances, this will help.
You are scared because of the probability of any emergency when your hubby is not around. Make a list of what you fear and try to think how to overcome.

. Try to talk to your Sil more often even when your hubby is with you. Maybe she does not want to be burdened with another family staying, womens equations are always different. You can understand.

. Invite them to your place when hubby is with you so they would invite you when hubby is not there, may or may not help.

. Its always better to be self-dependant. This will solve most of the problems.

. Make friends with a similar family as you are and mingle with them often, discuss savings, kid education alongwith your husband. It will help him understand.

Lastly, all the best
Neelima