Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi dddd..

i need to learn from ur experience and know abt u little bit from ur different posts. If you remember me then i am also in same boat Physically and emotionaly abused by husband.

You have mentioned abt emotional abuse by your husband and that you have learnt to live with that ..I would appreciate if u can elaborate the ways to deal with emotional abuse.
With emotional abuse do u find M worth to maintain?

In my M , physical abuse can be controlled but not emotional...So either i have to learn to live with that or to withdraw from that ..At such crucial time ur sharing of experience holds immense value for me .

Thanks ..waiting for ur reply




anu replied. Hi dddd,jhilmli and ext sad

I was absent from that board since last few days.Today i read all your posts and feels obliged to all of u frnds.
Reason of being absent was that i revolted against my husband.I am in M just for sake of kids and if my kids suffers in any aspect then my tolerance does not make any sense.Me with help of my brother and sisters, forced my PARENTS to come out of ADJUSTMENT mantra .I have talked to my FIL and tomorrow i am making them all sit together along with me and H. Lets see how things take shape.
jhimli replied. Hi dddd,
This and post by jhimli same. I can not express my gratitude to you, I am extremely thankful to you. I also wish the same as it would happen to his sister. It has taken whole my body and energy from me. Last week,
I srated walking walking around 4.00 am outside. I was so scared of going outside before. Now I dont have a wish to live anymore. My daughter is small. I dont know who will take care of her. extreme sad replied. dddd...
I think you are also in USA. I have to learn how to be strong. My God, he is monster when he is at rage.

Anu, I feel so bad for lil son, what is going on in his mindhis own dad not talking to him.

I feel so shamed to think of being as girl. My mother in law is the source of reason. I have lost all confidence in me. Even I shake to write a letter too.
When I was in my college, I was so laughing, sparkling girl , now I dont know I have become likes stone. Even when I dont asnwer, he will be mad.
But my daughter is close to me.
jhimli replied. I feel so shamed abut myself anf my degree ( I hve Ph.D from reputed Institute and so many times I visited foreign Institutes and gave seminar there. Everybody used to praise for my academic involvement. Now I think what is the use of those when you are physically and mentally so much traumatized. I am now In USA and here even the indian commumnity is very self oriented. Nobody bothers about others. If you like to find a friend, you will not see anyone in time of need. They will come in time of party. So many times I thought of ending my life, then I see my daughter' s face, she will be devastated. She is just in her beginning
of education. Sometimes she is also in trauma. Anu, I am so much with you and I feel your pain too. Abusive upbringing
is main cause.
You feel so helpless and lonely and you can not share with anybody. If you want to discuss somebody here( foreign) sometimes what I should do, they will tell you do' nt tell anybody. It is a shame. Do you really believe in God.
I am loosing faith. I never hurt and did any wrong thing in my life, why this happened to me .. I ask God. Some friends say \" I am too soft \" . I have seen my Mother in law
torturing her husband whole life so badly. But we were there for him.
You know I never said anything to my mother , She will be soo hurt. Because of these trauma, I was taken to emergency last november with blood clot in lung and heart. Doctors tried to the reason , finally they found a rare blood disorder ( mutation happened in my blood
controlling gene). I was surprised, I knew something will happen someday. There is a limit of tolerance. Body and
mind work together, once brain and mind is so... stressed( anybody has any imagination) , body starts to fail to function normally. I live everyday for my daughter. She will be devastated, all her dreams will be shattered. Sometimes my brain does not work, I had so good memory( in univ every friend use to tell that) is lost. I guess I shall have brain damage also. Both physical and mental injury causes brain damage. SOmetimes I get severe pain in my head.

I was put on life saving drug whole life ( everyday whole life I have to take otherwise I shall get blood clot anywhere). But I stopped taking medicine. What is the use of this life ... like a dog. My husband is mentally very sick. If he is angry, he will behave with you extreme roughly.. even to his daughter. He becomes Monster.

But outside he is so helpful, tries to help everybody( I guess to hide his inner side). IS anybody here in USA?

This I just gave small part, anybody will be horrified by my full story.
God once were about to take me, I dont know why he saved me ( may be for my daughter). Mental disease is such complex disease.
dddd replied. hey what your husband is doing is trying to bring you down. yOu know make u think twice about being in a job. how much ever men are educated in such situations they act like kids.dont worry neglect him and also see to it that ur son doesnt notice his dad' s change of behaviour by engaging him.see it will take only some time to forget everything in these years but the wound will be there. Me too after 4 yrs of abuse although i have become much more confident to tackle in case he abuses i have not got back my personality as before my marriage.i blame my husband and my in laws for this. its only his abusive upbringing for which i am suffering.
You are right with your parents. when we become distant in marriage sometimes we just dont want to make an effort in any way be it in parents talking to husband.when my dad was here he said the same so i told him not to talk to my husband as i myself am distant and have no expectations from this marriage.
today i am just mad becozof our visa extension being in problem and no need to guess why . i literally had a nervous breakdown today . I want to teach my in laws a lesson.same for hubby.but at same time i feel sad as i missed out on having kids in my 20' s and enjoy travelling. And never ending problem of always strugging for money thanks to my husband' s mismanagement when he made good money.
My parents do want me to come back to India. But i will have never lived my dream of having permanent residence here and have a house here with good job.So not doing it but struggle here.
Do not bring yourself down becos of your husband' s behaviour. It will do u more harm mentally as you are on a new job.its just insecurity.if you dont feed it it will go by itself.Take care.Post back. dddd replied. hey see already in one day of job you sound a confident and tuff woman. I am really happy.See once we are financially independent be it one day we are more confident to tackle some tricky people like husband and in laws. meeting people outside will change so much of our outlook. I hope your luck rubs off on me too and i get my work permit soon. Some times i feel sorry for my husband as now in some situations he has to bend backwards so that i dont go against him. But that sorry state comes only after he has verbally abused me . So i feel he has to be still punished.
It looks like your kids and everybody else is taking it well. Kids will be proud of working mothers. Nowadays school environment is as such which teaches them all this. Your son has blended in perfectly with you as a housewife to a working woman. thats amazing.Its really an essence of working woman which makes any husband bow to her. I dont know what makes them do that. But it becomes easier after that. My SIL is in a lousy job but her husband just goes behind her calling her name to even get up and go to sleep.Such is a working woman' s personality.In 6 months you will be able to forget the past 6 yrs and feel that you were always working.thats the magic of even 1 rupee we earn.it gives us that much power over everybody. I am eager to know how it goes as we have bonded over our problems and it has maybe not helped fully but maybe 1% .it will help in my outlook when i am on workforce.Best of luck. Do post back. dddd replied. hey nice to know u started your job.how does it feel?I am pretty sure its exciting and very relieving.Dont worry about your husband. In such situations he is no better than your son. Very nice what your son told.
Oh my in laws are worst in laws and my husband is really bad thanks to them. But now he lets me take control as he is scared i might go against him again.I dont want to be in situation where i am always worried what will my in laws be scheming and doing. everybody is worried but in my case it does come true. I owe all my abuse to them.I told them your daughter has a daughter i only wish she goes thru the same .one day my husband is smiling with me here and next day grumpy scolding. before it was physical abuse now he dare not do that.
I will be lying if i tell any love is left in this marriage. i am only here for my GC.Even my husband realizes that.So to show his insecurity he emotionally abuses me.Also he needs me more for his job as i do his secretarial work and help him find a job from my friends living here.I want to prove to my in laws they cannot harm me by getting my permanent residence and a home here with my masters and a good job for me.. They will never realize the pain to get it . But i want them to be hurt that how much ever they tried i still got it.
You know my fil told me on phone when my husband was arrested that i was eating his sons money by sitting at home for 3 yrs. So i told him your son wud never have money without me.SO how can u say that. even my husband told him without her i wud not be able to find a job as she took care of applying for jobs answering mail while i studied. Still he said so. When i go to india i will surely blast him telling when ur daugher doesnt work tell your sil to not feed her becoz she is not earning and send her to your house. I need to blast everybody in my india trip.
Now you also after 2-3 months be firm with your in laws. not take anything from them.i give them back most of the times but they never learn. U shud be firm.As you will be financially independent in some time.best of luck post back. dddd replied. very well said by your parents. My husband did even yours will. men break down sooner then women.Until then we have to be little tuff and stone hearted. to make husbands see way.
Oh my in laws are the worst. for everything they do black magic but preach god to everybody.
my husband used to dote on me the first yr of marriage . Seeing that in 5 months of marriage they did it such that my husband lose his good job here. Why so that he comes back to India.If that isnt enuf he got another job after 8 months of losing it. imagine icudnt enjoy my anniversary. and when we told them the news that he got the job the same night i dont know what they did my husband started abusing me severely. in the car in the house. when i called my in laws they said he was so mild u provoked him.the cops came still i didnt complain.i was confused. it went on and on my in laws didnt help and last yr i took legal action. now my in laws accused me of being aggressive. when my mom told if your daughter is in same situation then u will know ,then my fil said please dont wish that to her.she shud be happy but not me.i wudnt have believed in these things like black magic but going thru its effects daily i am forced to believe. our permanent residence application is in delay thanks to my husband blabbing to my in laws. anytime we tell something to our in laws its understood to delay.
you know u shud play the same role as your husband. SHow little emotional detachment to your husband.once you pay him back in this own coin. he will start realizing how much of pampering he is missing from u .
Dont worry it wont be that long before your husband realizes .Mine is a marriage of convenience. after such terrifying incidents it comes to convenience only 95% not love.men are grown to take everything around them for granted even love from wife.So dont worry everybody is like that. from time to time we need to show them we are not granted objects but require same kind of emotional bonding.
yes i know wehn u say heart cries. But u know after maybe 10 yrs or more we will remember our struggle but not the abuse.human mind is such.Dont worry get ready for your new job.Take it one day at a time.it will be tuff but we learn how strong we are in such situations only. Best of luck. post back. dddd replied. You are a smart woman. First of all not all friends can be good advisors. One of my friends here has been great all thru this. She has increased my confidence and been there for me. Although she doesnt live in same city as mine.We cannot be idealistic and take a wrong decision.by now you are smart to not listen to that friend who said that you put your self respect at stake. even i would have separated long ago. I can get my permanent residence by the end of this year.I have wanted to be in US.more over i was on the verge of coming here anyways before my wedding. I have lived this horror for 4 yrs of marriage.Now teaching my husband a lesson i can be here as non emotional as possible till i get my permanent residence. For you it is a job for me this. We are in same situation in lots of ways.Do not let your husband feel you have a weakness. the kids are as much his as yours.When the time b/n you and your husband becomes tense like fight is about to start send your kids away.IF you do that 3-4 times,they may themselves guess and go. This way they will be protected from this and wont have a disturbed image.
Husbands will be threatened by any professional wife. Its their ego which makes them do so.Only thing we shud do is never to massage that ego.
now that my in laws cannot influence my husband to abuse me directly they have resorted to black magic. i wasnt believing it before. But being a victim now i do.
Are you in India or here?Dont know why in laws let their sons get married if they wanted 100 % control and access to son. Best of luck on your job and take care and remember BE TUFF.Post back. dddd replied. You are a smart woman. First of all not all friends can be good advisors. One of my friends here has been great all thru this. She has increased my confidence and been there for me. Although she doesnt live in same city as mine.We cannot be idealistic and take a wrong decision.by now you are smart to not listen to that friend who said that you put your self respect at stake. even i would have separated long ago. I can get my permanent residence by the end of this year.I have wanted to be in US.more over i was on the verge of coming here anyways before my wedding. I have lived this horror for 4 yrs of marriage.Now teaching my husband a lesson i can be here as non emotional as possible till i get my permanent residence. For you it is a job for me this. We are in same situation in lots of ways.Do not let your husband feel you have a weakness. the kids are as much his as yours.When the time b/n you and your husband becomes tense like fight is about to start send your kids away.IF you do that 3-4 times,they may themselves guess and go. This way they will be protected from this and wont have a disturbed image.
Husbands will be threatened by any professional wife. Its their ego which makes them do so.Only thing we shud do is never to massage that ego.
now that my in laws cannot influence my husband to abuse me directly they have resorted to black magic. i wasnt believing it before. But being a victim now i do.
Are you in India or here?Dont know why in laws let their sons get married if they wanted 100 % control and access to son. Best of luck on your job and take care and remember BE TUFF.Post back. dddd replied. Hey you started to make an effort that is enuf to scare husbands and act like a spoilt kid.See you can make an effort to build your life sans husband Subtly. Say for example what i did was i started making preparations for enrolling myself in masters here.So i didnt tell anything exactly to my husband but he acted up indirectly like why is this shirt not ironed or where is his mail. But i didnt make too much of it.Now right in front of him i am trying for jobs immediately after i get my work permit . That may not be too long say 3-4 months maximum.I didnt ask for his permission or anything.AS i know he doesnt like me to work. Becoz his sister can be independent but not wife. His sister shud be bossing on her husband not me.I am in process of getting my permanent residence here thru him. So after that if the marriage ends i wudnt be very sad. Even he knows that. But feels like he is nowhere at fault but i provoked him.In lots of ways we are in same situation.
Hey congrats on your new job.It will be very exciting for you.And even if you are hurting inside dont show in front of your husband.I dont so it drives my husband crazy.
Best of luck for your new job. post back .take care. dddd replied. Hey first of all you need to be strong. I am married for almost 41/2 yrs. I live in US. my in laws in india.So its only me and my husband. first 2 yrs i used to get scared a lot when my husband used to physically and emotionally abuse me.Now i have realized a pattern. He acts up when i am in most vulnerable position. After giving him a dose of his own medicine for physical abuse he has not abused me again. but emotional abuse is present. I have developed thick skin to it. i neglect when i dont want to have an argument or else i give him back.You cant keep bottled up anger . It will harm u physically and emotionally. i was a nervous wreck when he was abusive physical and mental.I used to keep quiet thinking of abuse then. As i result i am suffering from vertigo and breathlessness when i am stressed now.If i suddenly have it i know my mind is signalling to me i am stressed. its not worth taking so much pain. I am taking my marriage one day at a time as my parents have told me they will support me in whatever i decide.take your family into confidence. tell them maybe not everything but major things happening b/n u and hubby. It will relieve u quite a bit. post here.take up a hobby.
When my husband realized my world doesnt revolve around him once in a while to remove that insecurity he emotionally abuses me.but he also knows he cant survive here without me. Sometimes i let him do it. when it becomes worse i do respond. You shud do that.Whne the marriage comes to physical and mental abuse then the path leads to 2 options very likely it will be separation or in situations where there is benefit from staying in marriage stay.But when u decide to stay you shud have a sound plan to do what in case it repeats. I do.Hence my husband doesnt do physical abuse,but u cant remove all the faults which is in imbibed in him from childhood right. Hence emotional abuse . My husband is from a abusive family. From outside u cant imagine that. But they are. My In laws have been all over the world.,my husband' s brother is much worse than him. but my in laws wont tolerate if the same is dont by their sil to daughter.Unfortunately they are lucky their sil is like my sil' s shadow.
neglect your husband when he is abusing especially if emotional. if u cant take it please do vent out to him. If it comes to physical abuse then dont let it go. I am sorry i did for 3 yrs.the same shudnt happen to you.now i am only thinking of making a life of my own sans husband.you shud also try to do it similarly.In that way when your husband sees you as a wife who can think of her future without his contribution he will see light.and learn to be tuff. It takes some time when u are become tuff husbands will realize we are not just pretty young things but a strong woman.but they wont admit it most of the times.but the point we want to convey to them is conveyed right. Best of luck. Post back.Be tuff.