Relationships  Discussion Forum

I posted the message earlier too and that was about my husband receiving calls from his friend who is a girl (refer message dated: 2007-01-11 ). Well, I stopped myself there as I didn’t want to exaggerate the issue so much and wanted to give some space to my husband so that he understands what I was talking about. Not that I can forget it, but the feeling of hurt is still in my heart and I can suppress it too. Before the heart could get at peace- another issue came up. His parents. Not that I don’t like his family. I have tried my best I can to get accepted and offer respect to them and try to take care of them as much as possible, however the efforts go unrecognized. I won’t dig into day to day issues but just the current situation. His parents are currently visiting us and are away to see their daughter who is also in US. Its my first time that I came to US and ever since that time, I haven’t been to India. When I came here, my hubby promised me that we will go n see my family in the first year. That never happened and its 2 years now. I miss my parents too much and more so coz my marriage happened within a span of 3 days and I wasn’t prepared at all when I came here to US. I don’t insist however requested my hubby to plan something. In turn he gave a lot of excuses such as he would prefer a gap between his parents visit n our visit to India. I also asked him if he can just let me go- which makes him turn red! Coz he feels our society never accepts deal of the DIL going to India alone and that too for the first time. This discussion happened btw me n him and the very next day when he was talking to his family, I overheard him telling them my willingness to go to India soon. It was a shock to me as I wasn’t expecting him to discuss whatever things we as hubby and wife talk. When I tried explaining him (I admit that I was upset and my talks were a lil on hi volume)- he interpreted it that I don’t like him talking to his family and asked me to apologize. When I refused, the next word that came from his mouth was- “I want to end this marriage”.

I have heard this statement almost like 5-6 times now (in 2 years) which is not nice for ears or heart. I handled the current situation by settling down, talking to him calmly (later) but this is leading me to huge depression. I cant sleep anymore and cry whenever I get time alone. I don’t know when he would end this marriage and for how long can I continue facing these issues? I am too insecured right now and don’t know what to do. I can’t think even remorsely about ending this marriage as I love him and am ready to compromise every bit I can. In balance state of mind, I feel that I should keep ignoring but when such situation comes, and then I can’t control my emotions. He says that if I keep bringing these small things as issues, it will be difficult to lead our life and that’s the solution he can think can bring peace to both of us. I regret even sharing him the feeling of me going to India today. Please offer me advise!
HH replied. Hi smiriti,

Last tm i when i read ur post regarding your hubby talking to other woman for hours in closed room... that tm i didn't replied to ur post but thought that ushd also so same think means to ur frd in closed room in front of him and when he questions you ... you can tell him ... how i also feel the sameway when u talk to that lady in closed room... i m not interfaring in your privacy but there shd be transparency in our relationship.... BE FIRM DEAR OTHERWISE HE WILL EAT YOU .... and beacuse ur parents are not there to support you thats why he is doing this.... OR TRY to intentionly hide something frm him and see his reaction and try to teach him.....

Secondly abt breaking your marriage.... if this tm he says that he wants to break the marriage..... than tell him .... ok call ur parenst and my parents too... let sit and discuss this matter and tell him i will tell my parents abt ur girl frd... and over and above tell me about my security and my daughter's security.... i want a falt and 20 laks rs (say any rubbish amount) and tell him i m educated and take care of myself... what do u think that u marry a girl .. live with with her for yr or two .. hv baby and than leave her to suffer.... i will take u to court ... i have proof of ur GF's cards and love letter (u mentioned in ur earlier post na)... and also tell him as per law that first 7 years of marriage a girl can easily lodge a complaint against in laws for dowry...

YOU HAVE DO ALL THIS TO SCARE HIM YAAR.... otherwise he will eat you..

actually my inlaws has brain washed my hubby against me to take divorce and all.... once i stood up and said all this about law and my securty .... he automatically become sidha..... and i m working also yaar... than also they tries to dominate me... now i hv told my hubby that since our relation ship is going thru very sensitive phase i m thinking to buy a home in my name for my and my baby security.... he is now even taking our relationship more seriously... that not only he , I can also leave him....

chaloo yaar .. whatever happens... happens for the best...
here .. in this board i relate to make of other women here.. and sometimes feels that i m not only the unlukiest person who is going thru this trauma...

take care dear
bye

HH surekha venkatramanan replied. Dear Smriti

Just I read you issue, if you first clarify few things I can try to help you out

1) do you have child
2) how elder your husband to you
3) Are you parents are rich.
4) Does you husband is taking you for a outing
5) Did you attend any party with your husband
6) Do you interact with your parents regularly either by e_mail or phone.
7) What is his office timings is it regular or irregular
8) Is he regularly meeting his relatives either with you or alone
9) What is the nature of your husband(reserved, jolly, extravert or introvert)

regards
surekha venkatramanan
Vipin replied. Smriti,
Don't worry about it. It happens to almost every daughter in law. My wife and my parents do have occassional tiffs. Sometimes so serious that she threatens to break off the marriage. But its not that easy. Your relation with your husband if broken would affect your child, your parents, his parents and so many other friends and relatives. Most of all, it will shatter you. Its not like leaving your job for a new one. You don't realise that you would not be able to live without your hubby. You can't win everything. I am quoting from a hindi song... ' yeh na socho isme apni haar hai ke jeet hai, use apna lo jo ki jeevan ki reet hai,
yeh jeevan hai, is jeevan ka yahi hai yahi hai yahi hai rang roop'
When I fight with my wife we end up singing sad hindi songs and end up crying and making love with each other.
Best of luck. any name replied. Hi dear frnd

have been a silent reader of ur earlier post too. ok so here we go

Firstly abt ur insecurity , dont feel insecure . I know how does it feel to hear such words from hubby to whom we married n loved . But as far as i feel that marriage is not so easy to break .and hubby actually dont mean it. They utter such words out of frustrtaion. Whatever i am getting from ur post that still u need to work upon ur relation with hubby . You have to achieve the level where he can trust u fully n the feeling of attachemnt.You are on the way .Wait for some 1-2 years more patiently then u will not have to face such problems.
Till that time , yes , keep some of ur feelings just to urself and share with hubby only if u dont feel any risk . Try to read ur hubby's mind rather than having direct disputes.Withdraw at the moment u feel that bomb is going to blast.

Secondly ur visit to ur parents in India :i understand ur desire to meet with them but ultimately u also have to take care of married life. Get well settled in ur married life first then do whatever u want to do . There comes a time for everything .Make ur relation secured with ur hubby so that u can get him ready acc to ur wishes.

Ultimately u have to be with ur hubby n his family throughout life so control ur wishes at that senstivie time period.U both need time to trust each other , to undertstand each other.

I also visited my parents in India afetr 3 years of my marriage so i know how does it feel .Be in touch with them via mails-phones-chatting . and be sure dont do all of them in excess and at the cost of ur time with hubby .

in nutshell , my whole emphasis is on building ur relation strong with hubby first n keep all majoy-minor points just aside related to any other except u n hubby

Site referred by nb is also good .Make a visit n u wil get many threads just like urs .

Good Luck

Sweety replied. Hi friend,

Don't worry friend.
Many girls are in your sitution only longing to go to india.
i was also longing to go to india after one year of marriage. Vn told i miss my parents a lot i want to c them.
What he told u know \" Did i come from forest i am also away from parents only know.\" Vn i saw shouting like this i was really shocked .
In movies and all vn wife says i miss my parents husband will show extra love.
He will \" i am there for u know don't worry dear: