Relationships  Discussion Forum

I got married almost a year back. Soon after marriage I moved with my hubby in US. During some of the cleaning up stuff (initial months) I stumbled upon my hubby’s stuff and saw some cards with “I love u” connotations and pictures of my hubby with a black female. It did prick me but I was apprehensive to bring up the issue at that time, as I thought it might be a past and it doesn’t give a good reason to confront when the present shows me how much he cares and love me. I thought prolly my husband is not in touch with her anymore & had almost forgotten about it. Later I observed that she is quite regular in calling my husband. I asked him about her and asked him to make me meet her; he avoided the conversation & told me that she younger to him for 10 yrs and is very shy kinds. Very next day I recd her call on my cellphone where she didn’t have much to talk and the conversation ended pretty soon. I questioned my hubby again, and he expressed that he requested her to call me so that I don’t feel bad about he keeping friendship with her. I didn’t say much at that time as I did trust my hubby. My hubby’s parents came here to visit and her calls stopped. As soon as they went, her call frequency increased and now I have started to observe that as soon as the calls come in front of me, my hubby excuses himself in a separate room. I dunno but it has started to make me a lot uncomfortable. I confronted him recently and told about me distress. It just got triggered when I saw him talking to her two consecutive days as soon as I reached home from work. It just got worse. He now feels that I don’t trust him anymore, which is not the case, have gotten over possessive and am narrow minded and say that I feel jealous of all the females he talk to.

What should I do? Let him talk to her and don’t question him? It’s made me feel so insecure that I feel like if he wants, I can leave him and let him be happy with his friends and the way he was as single. Smriti replied. Thanks everyone! It seems that the message went across.. I stayed away from him and showed him the way I was uncomfortable about the entire situation. It appeared at times that he wasn’t feeling good too. It came about naturally. However, I got further sure of that girls involvement when I read the sms at my hubby cellphone. I know that is not a good practice, however I didn’t know how to assure myself. That sms read- “ I came in your life earlier compared to your wife”. What should I interpret with this statement? If I confront, he would blast it off on me- and if I don’t say it out, I feel distressed. What should I do? ggg replied. Hi Dear

i have faced such situation earlier in my life and my husband also gave me name of narrow minded, of suspicious nature n in long term , i realised that i was right in my uncomfortable ness n doubt. My husband blamed me because he wanted to make me guilty to hide his fault.
Take it seriously .If husband were honest then logically wife's happiness is firstmost thing . Husband wife relation is above any frndship n both shd equally respect each other's feelings. Will he die if he avoid talking to her ?
Please avoide pregnancy till that issue get resolved in ur life.
All the best. Everyone has different circumstances. I told u abt my situation because husband's blames were similar to urs H.I got scared of fighting between us but now i regret that why could not i behave boldly . sowmya replied. dear smriti,
i can totally understand what ur going through.dont feel guilty for urself at all.any women in ur place would have done the same thing.i feel really sorry for what ur going through.
ur husband is just speaking the \" ideal\" logic stuffs here.when it comes to emotional stuffs logic doesnt work.we females r emotional beings & we all want complete love & attention from our husbands.so dont worry & plz plz dont feel guilty & think ur not upto his mark & all that crap.
ur hubby talks of logic,right.so u tell him that ur also totally logical.tell him that if ur just good friends just speak to her in front of u.tell him that u dont have problem with her friendship if it is just normal,open & no hide & seek.ask him to speak to her in front of u & u would never mind for that at all. tell him that the most annoying thing to u is he's not open & talks to her in ur absence.
dont fight with him.i know we r all alone here & if u totally spoil ur relationship wid ur hubby its very difficult to live here as there is no one else for us.just tell him to \" TRUST U\" & be open with u.tell him if it is pure friendship u have no objections at all. ask him not to hide things from u & let him know that those secretive acts hurt u the most.
u need to sort this out as soon as possible for u to live a happy life.if there is no 100% love & trust, how can u have ur baby with him.once u have baby & this continues u may be struck & situations may be even worse.so clear this things up as soon as u can.talk to him when he is calm,in a good mood.slowly make him understand.dont scream or fight with him.just have a good calm discussion regarding this issue.
i'll seriously pray for u.hope things work in ur favour.
take care & lots of love from me
dddd replied. Smriti i perfectly understand how u feel. I have been there.First you need to confront your hubby and ask him to talk to her in front of you. and one more thing u cannot be friends with people whom u were in love with or liked before. that thought is far from true .and why is it tht your husband shud hide and talk to her and not in front of you.And you shud go ahead and confront that female too.You need to be firm about what u feel of this situation with both hubby and that girl. As far as involving others do not involve your in laws. they will never see dil's point.instead involve some of your husband;s friends. It might help.You need to nip this in the bud. Such things is not be patient with.There are somethings in marriage which can be resolved with patience and understanding . here it is neither.When i first came to US 4 yrs back. my husband told me he liked a girl at work and maybe she too. when she told him she wanted to see me i specifically told my husband not to encourage and say she is not interested.He said so. Had i said yes she wud have come and given my husband room for an affair. See married men are like forbidden fruit and some people feel attracted. same in this case.And one more thing that girl probably is not the shy kind if she can call your hubby and talk to him frequently.
And dont worry you are normal . Nobody likes to share husband with anybody.best of luck. post back . sowmya replied. dear smriti,
i feel really bad for ur situation.i'm sorry to tell, but ur husband is not doing the right thing.its completely unfair for him to have contact with that girl after marriage.he's not a single guy anymore & he shld understand that he has a wife now & has a responsibility towards her.its completely wrong of him to talk to her in ur absense.if they were just friends he could have casually spoken to her in front of u & also his parents.he's completely taking u for granted.would he tolerate if u did the same thing talking to an other guy over the phone in private? no, he would never.as a wife u have all rights to stop him.but take it easy.dont create a big scene or a fight.thats not going to help u.u need to save ur marriage.talk to him in calm manner.ask him if he would keep quite if u did the same thing.tell him what ur going through.make him understand that he's a family man now & by doing all these he'll distroy everyone's life involved.
come on dear, u need to stand up.otherwise one day he'll totally take u for granted & that evil woman may end up in ur house.i dont understand why some people are so bad that they end up spoiling other's marriages & lives.
so relax urself,talk to him.if he doesnt listen to u,try to involve his parents if u think they are good enough to understand u.
all the best!!! hope this helps u atleast to an extent DDD replied. Hello Smrithi,
It is not a good scenario what you are going thru.
I donot want to put more salt on your wound, but your husband's attitude with the other female is not correct.
What is the reason for making calls privately and not making calls during his parents visits. It shows that your husband might have asked that female not to make any phone calls in front of them, if it was true friendship and not having any guilty, then he should have continued calling in front of his parents also. What is this attitude, is that he is taken you for granted.
Talk to him strictly. Before marriage is something different and after marriage is different, when these guys except us to behave properly, that means they should have to abide by this rules. Talk to him and tell your concerns, if nothing works out, talk to his parents if they are in good terms with you. Don't try to spoil your marriage, save your marriage by these evil people.
Take care.