Relationships  Discussion Forum

I too have worked before i became mom of two beautiful kids.I understand that when u work for long hours u tend to connect on the intellectual level.
But i find companies are selling this idea more to get better productivity from their employees.My husband works for a software company where he has to work for l9ong hours.i.e. 8 am he leaves and by 11 pm he is back.On his way he picks his office colleuge and drops her too.So they are together for long hours.BGesides that my hubby needs to go to US off n on.Mostly his tours are for3 to 5 mths.Now we dont see him much.
As he is in US most of time i find it difficult to co-relate wid him.My children and me are feeling left out.Now our mental levels have changed a lot.I have work over time as mom n dad both as kids are missing him.Besides his 8am to 11pm schedule leaves him wid no energy to do anything else.So no household chores or time for us.No studies or play for kids.And no time and attention for me or love making.
He is satisfied as he gets good support system from his offices spouses wid whom he spends most waking hours in India and even fun hours in US(as they stay in suites in same hotels.as work pressure is less there they go out for movies or shopping in bunch)(we are in mumbai where traffic eats away half the time too)
At times i need to call him in office to know his views for our son's school program.Or bout getting new gyser fixed.
Now he has started complaining that we dont have anything in comman to spend time together.Its becoz we differ on mental level as he extensively travels and i left my job for him and our kids.I know i have changed a lot staying at home but my kids need me more as he is nt around.
We haedly make love as we both are too exhausted.Besides he is out of India half the time and he too sends me to my in-laws for long to take care of them and get help in bringing up kids.
He works even on sundays if something imp comes.Even if he is at home he sleeps till 1pm or reads newspaper or watches TV.Even kids are missing him now and find it difficult to connect to him.At times he is cranky if nt reading newspaper or sleeping.
I know he is nt having affair but he sells me the idea of Office spouse.And continuesly says he loves us and is working so hard for his family(i.e. his parents and us).
At times he has visited nude clubs too he has agreed but he doesnt invest his time and sexual energies in our relationship.He has also commented that i dont understand him as much as \";Sonam\"; one of his office spouse.But then we hardly spend time together.We have never gone out for vacations in our 6yrs of marrige.We only go on a aweeks off during diwali or holi to his peoples place where its a joint family and i have to take care of his folks.So i dont get time to even speak to him as he sleeps when i leave the room and again sleeps when i come back.
Is all this ok.I find it superficial!!!
saheli replied. Other things apart, but i do not understand why does he have a day so long from 8 am to 11 pm?!? Does he travel long distance for office so that he leaves early and reaches late? If not so, either there is some problem with his time mgmt, or may be he hangs out too much while in office, or the way his office works is not right,.... or may be there is something fishy.

These days s/w companies are working on office-hours of employees so that work and personal life is balanced. priya replied. I felt so sorry for you ...
Months ago there was a One full page article in TOI on office affairs. The entire articles justifies such affairs. It said such affairs are very common in India. I was shocked to read such a article in such a popular paper like TOI and their claim that office affairs are very common. I felt even ppl who dont have one , will think its cool to have one after reading that article.
In fact I sent a strong mail to the Times Editor .. I told him his survery was bullshit. He has not at all written the consequences of such affairs and what trauma the spouses go thru...But obviously I didnt get any reply.

So Office Spouse is another similar article which is st away copied from somewhere else. I think its their plan to sell themselves as a hot cake as such articles are always interesting to read.
Office spouse (or buddy) is fine if they can leave them from mind in office itself.
I read your entire story ..You need to take total control of situation before its too late.
Be firm and tell him, you need him back home by 9 or so. As I myself work for an MNC, Let me tell you there is always enough work to fill the time. It you make it a habit to stay till 10pm there is work till 10. If you get out at 7pm ..there is work only till 7pm.
So first of all you should insist on him returning home early
Second imp point, weekend work once a while is fine...its everywhere but not regularly. You need to have a planned weekend which includes you , him and kids and inform him in advance so there are no excuses.
Lets say .. Plan a brunch in some restaurant .. movie and dinner in the evening. You make sure you do ticket booking etc so its hassle free for him.
Show him whats in store over weekends if he is avl at home .. then he will start liking it more.
3) It is totally rude of him to say you dont have anything in common ..You have 2 precious kids in common .. and a whole lot of other things which you both need to explore.
Give him some responsibility... or else he feels he is not needed at home as you take care of everything from plumber work to raising children to nursing his parents ...
So start off giving him some tasks on daily basis so he feels connected with you all !

Take care and let us know how it goes.


Vipin replied. Hi Isha,
I think its morally wrong to have 'office spouse'. Yes you can flirt a bit with your office colleagues to beat the tension in the office but can't go to the level your husband has gone. What else is an affair? Not relating to your kids and wife emotionally is wrong. It's your husband's responsibility to invest his time. Time . Time. Money can't replace time.
Its shocking to know that you two haven't gone out/travelled out together for 6 years. Doesn't he get annual holidays or what? If its a US office then he would surely get a lot of holidays at christmas time. I also work in a similar office and spend every evening out with the family at the sports club and take at least 15 days off in December.
Where there is a will there is a way. N.Y.C. replied. It's just a phase...in a month or two, Things will slowly be back to normal.
any name replied. Hi Isha...

You r absolutely right in ur feelings. Your husband also needs to put up his efforts in making ur marriage successful. How can he judge your mental compatibility until n unless he spends time with u .Surely he is working hard but this does not give him any excuse to compare his wife with an office spouse. He needs to realise that u have sacrificed ur career because of kids n him . Only u can do that .Though its easier to say that make him understand politely but i know its tough .Its an issue to be handled with TLC. Office spouses concept is getting popular n in Delhi times (TOI) edition of this weekend has published a detailed articles on all its consequences. U can make it read to your husband so that he can differentiate between office spouse n wife with more maturity.

All the best.