Relationships  Discussion Forum

This problem of mine seems very simple but people in same boat know it is very delicate. My husband loves crowd be it friends or (his)relatives. We have a group of friends. Now my husband introduced all his good freinds to his relations as a result of which these in-laws of mine get invited by my friends get-togethers. The problem is not my in-laws being invited, but these friends do not invite thier own in-laws (who reside close by in the same city) but only my in-law. In the get-together my friends join hands with my in-laws and start appreciating/boosting each other leaving me on the arch (this is a very delicate situation which only a person who has tasted can comment which others cannot even fathom). Whenevr I ask my friends about why their own il-laws have come, they friends say they are busy/sick/out of town etc (so far I have not seen any of thier inlaws join their get-together).My husband being a simple man is ignorant about the whole thing and as a man he is kept happy in the crowd. He does not even understand me when I try to explain and rather gets angry on me accusing me of being a problem-maker(however when he has to visit my relatives he tries to maintain a bare minimum contact). Men v/s men do not create much problem for each other but women v/s women (especially if in-laws are involved), the scenario is different.How do I react in this crowd? Should I call my friend's inlaws too so that the recipe is balanced? Should I ignore the moral boosting & de-boosting? Should I avoid the crowd? Again I say, only people who have tackled this type of problems need to answer me. It is easy for people to advise me embrace Mahatma Gandhi's policy of concentrating just on my husband's happiness oblivious of mine. But practicing it is virtually difficult.I just require practical advise on how to make him understand things like these. sandhya replied. Hi 123

I do understand what u r going thru and really empathise with U for the difficult situation u r in....

My advice or suggestions for U r :

- Do not worry so much... don't waste ur time and health about ur in-laws......

- I have gone tru this situation but mine is a lil different... my mom in law whenever she used to visit us... she has this habit of making friends with everyone she sees, even people who cross our home.... and I had certain neighbours who I do not talk with and even after I telling her that they r mean people and i do not tlak to them... she will go specially to them and become best friends with them.... it used to hurt me a lot......I cannot say anything.... I do not discuss such things to my hubby..(discussing such things to ur hubby .... is not a good idea sometimes, coz they r not women and do not go thru the same situation and we do.. they do not understand so why waste time and energy).. All I could think of was just ignore it.... and I kept myself more busy whenever my mom in law visits us.... and just ignore all the dramas she used to do when she used to visit us....

- So after certain years of experience my advice to U is..... either U can ignore ur in-law... and just have good fun with ur friends...... and try to make ur self busy when u see ur in law is trying to catch ur attention or trying to steal ur friends......

- the other thing u can do is tell ur hubby when none of ur friends r bringing their in laws then why should we take them.... just talk like u r really concerned and act genuine and see what he replies.... tell him that everybody someway or the other will talk oddly about u guys coming to every party with the whole family including ur in laws and that U feel a lil uneasy about it..... and see what ur hubby tells.... but do not anyway tell ur hubby ur in laws r stealing the show etc... then he will get to know that u r trying to get rid of them..... when it comes to ur in laws... do not confess everything.... coz u r complaining about his parents and it will definitely upset him...... U have to be smart and strong.....

My dear these r only suggestions u have to take the best ideas and work it out to ur convenience... and am not trying to degrade or dis-respect ur hubby or ur in-laws.....

- Also U can tell ur hubby generally people take their in-laws only for very important wedding or very improtant parties...and u guys should do the same.... so that all his friends/ur friends will have great respect for ur in-laws.... but since u guys take them out very often ur friends and his friends treat ur in laws equal and not with the elderly respect etc.....(its just a suggestion, with all due respect to ur friends and family)...I hope u get what am trying to tell... plz work it out to ur convenience and ideas....

- But one thing is how long can u hide ur in-laws or try to avoid bringing them to weddings, parties etc.... not forever..... so my personal suggestions r just ignore the boosting... coz ur friends cannot keep boosting ur in laws forever..... maybe they r boosting coz ur in laws r new to this crowd and after some days/months.. they all will get used to ur inlaws... and just greet them and go back to their usual friends... coz no matter what, ur in laws r not the same age or generation as u and ur friends.... and after somedays ur friends will definitely not feel comfy discussing everything in front of ur in laws..... so give it sometime and everything will get back to normal..... I am sure of it...

- My dear... my personal advice is when u have issues with ur in laws... specially mom in law... do not complain to ur hubby.... handle it urself... take advice form ur mom,sis,friends and see what best works for u and handle it in a very diplomatic way..... I am telling from my personal experience.... Ur hubby will not understand the complexities of handling in laws specially when u live with them day to day... or even when U have to meet them once in a while.... only women can understand it... so talk all the women around u and take control....

- with regard to ur hubby not being very enthu about ur relatives... just leave it... do not fight about ur relatives....coz its of no use... when u and ur hubby have problems... no relative either his or urs r not going to come and save u guys... so why waste time about giving attention to them... or fighting about it... do not fight with ur hubby about such things and spoil ur relationship.... but still if u feel he is unfair ask him about it... and if ur hubby has a good reason then just leave it... if he gives a silly reason then tell him even his relatives will get the same treatment from U like the way ur hubby treats ur relatives... and see how ur hubby acts inspite of it if he is still the same then just ignore his behaviour and u be good to everybody.. coz one day or the other ur hubby will notice that character of urs and try to change he might not tell u but he will sure notice... if u have children then U have to be a role model to them and definitely be nice to everybody.. so that ur kids look at u and see how strong and in-control u r and they will definitely want to be like U....

- Its ok if ur hubby likes crowd.. I mean its a good thing atleast u r busy.... and u r busy with such things in ur life rather than sitting at home and looking at each other.....

- with regard to inviting ur friends in laws.... if ur friends invite ur in laws then u will also have to invite them.... if they don't come its their prob.... and maybe u can keep this as a reason and tell ur hubby that u took so much of pain in organising and inviting guests and that when ur friends still could not bring their in laws they why should U guys take ur in laws and go to their parties..... am sure ur hubby will understand....

- these r my ideas... I hope it works out for U..... but all I can say is its ur life, be strong.... ur happiness is in ur hands.... so just dust away these issues about in laws and have fun....