Relationships  Discussion Forum

I am married and having 6 months baby my problem is my husband never understand my feelings..our is love cum arranged but Our mentalities r entirely different.. I always expect him to take care of me (to show some amount of affection )but He always neglects me I know 100% he loves me a lot but he don’t know how to express.. but I always expects care and affection.. since 7 months we r staying in different places.. b’coz of jobs.. and every day we chat he will always be interested in my phy-relation but never tries to know what I really want . for ex If some festival comes I expect him to atleast ask me what I want as a gift etc.. but he never do that.. when he comes to meet me.. he allways wants me on his bed..He never takes me out for movie or shopping or just to roam around.. he allways wants me to stay at home and take care of him and his baby..
I allways ask him to take me out.. when I really cry a lot then he takes me out.. If I want any gift I have to ask him.. even I am also highly qualified and working and withdrawing a huge amount of money.. but still I feel he should give me gift or send me greetings.. He is not a open type person.. sometimes I feel very depressed.. He allways talks abt only one thing nothing else I told him marriage means understanding the needs of u r partner.. not only physical but u should know the general needs of u r partner whenever I quarrel he says sorry.. and promises me next time he wont repeat same.. but again same old story..mine is love cum arranged marriage.. its been 3 and ½ yrs I know him.. and 1 and ½ yr I have been married.. but we have never visited anyplace..no honeymoon and nothing..
Now I stay with my dad and my daughter and he stays with his mother.. even his family is also like that his mother and sisters .. when my daughter is ill. Nobody called and asked how is she but if they need my help immediately they ask me without any hesitation..even I am a shameless person I allways go, His mother wants everything in her own way.. my dad is the one takes care of me and my daughter but If he says anything she never listen . She never thinks in a reasonable way.. she allways interfere in our matter and gives some useless suggestions but never thinks about her grand daughter also.. as I am working I asked her to come and stay with me to lookafter my baby till I get one servant to look after my baby.... she didn’t come..atleast for 1 month result I stopped feeding my baby.. and left her with my mil.. my luck is good I got one nice maid.. now I brought my baby back and my dad and that maid tkes care of my baby.. now my daughter is 7 months I stopped feeding her from 3rd month onwards which I feel ver guilty.. now If I want I can not b’coz I am not getting milk I tried with medicines but nouse.. b’coz of that break it happened..
I am very depressed with his behavior and his family I don’t know what to do.. I allways try to adjust but not able to.. please suggest me how to change myself or change him…
I am really saturated with the situation .
juvi replied. neha,
do you want to continue this topic? My wife is in the same situtation as you. She has the same complaints as you.. want to continue this debate? neha replied. Hello Khan..

I am very sorry for late reply.. anyway thanx for u r suggestions .
Here u stated me as a dictator.. I dont think so I am allways be in my limits and very carefull when I speak
with my inlaws..I am not telling my husband to follow me.. but requesting him to understand my feelings also
regarding this so many times we have arguments and finally I endup with saying sorry to my hubby..
because I only initiate the arguments most of the times.. He never listens me nor speaks anything
and still my situation is like that.. my husband never takes me out when i compare with my colleagues and
friends I feel depressed.. I know he is 100% loves me and my kid but problem is he wont speak anything
and not interested in any household work I have to keep track of everything.. I have to bug
him to take market for food items and all.. problem is he is more addicted to TV.. really its making me..
crazy.. he is not at all interested in anything other than watching TV and playing cricket..
as I told u he is still childish..now I am facing difficulty of managing house ,career,baby
and my hubby . he is not even interested in eating I have to tell him 100 times to eat food and fruits..
If I ask him continuosly 4 days to eat one fruit.. on 5th day he eats one.. and makes face as if he
is doing a great favour for me.. :-)

about my MIL now I have strong opinion that they r not going to help me in anything..
they do show offs.. but never help me.. in anything.. I dont tell them to do.. whatever I want If I tell also
I know they wont care.. about my salary.. after marriage I have given my full salary to them but
and I paid lots of their loans as ours is middle class family.. I have not saved even a single paise
for my daughter till now.. they enjoy my salary.. by purchasing ornaments.. and furnitures etc..
I have not njoyed till now I think 100 times to spend money because I am very carefull..
I feel bad when I am earning money (I know how difficult in my career so many ups and downs and depressions
and sleepless nights..) they njoy and teach me.. how to beheave and dress code (I wear only salwars,sarees and
rarely jeans) and my MIL is uneducated but she allways tells me how to beheave in workplaces..
in office whereever I go I get proper recognition for my work and I know people respects me ..
and asks me come at sharp 6:00 which is not possible in my profession If I have work I have no excuse
I have to stretch myself for work..thats what we get recognition in our work places..even my husband is also
in same profession and he understands me.. not my MIL..
they need my money and they never help me in bringingup my child..and they allways support
their daughters.. eventhough they r in govt jobs and flexible work timings etc..
and even their children is of school going age.. and my sil hubby is also in govt job they can share the timings and
can adjust their work hours that option we do not have..
but still my MIL says they need her and she will stay near to their house.. and tells me to give my daughter in
hands of servent maids ( which I am doing now..which is very dangerous and painful )
If I tell my hubby.. I will take break he wont allow me to do so.so finally we have 2 houses
we r paying 2 rents and everything is double.. she do not want to stay with us.. but she likes to stay alone and
next to her daughters house.


In my moms house and friends everybody is making fun of me for leaving baby and acting as so obidient to
my inlaws.. I never hurted my MIL but still if my father and sisters come to my place she scolds me
for some stupid reasons and spoils the atmosphere.. I think she do not want them to come to my place..
I dont know her intesion but.. she shows off as if eventhough she is not educated she is smart and
I am a stupid..
so from my home nobody likes to come..to see me.. if nobody is around she is cool if
some neighbours and relatives come then she starts her scoldings etc.. which I think I dont need to bear
but still I can not give any answer to her I keep quiet .. even she comments my dad and sisters..
my dad is angry with her and do not want to come to my place .. but i need my dad because
he is only the one helps me allways..and takes care of my baby.. now he also left..If I list everything its big list but I am
thinking in my way.. but what I feel nobody is having right to hurt others.. she allwaysts me and my family
which I feel really bad and sad..
may be I am not smart enough to handle the situation but.. I swear I never talk in harsh way..
with others but I am harsh to my hubby sometimes b'coz of frustration..


ok.. expecting something good suggestions.
Thanks
Neha

















Shamsur Rabb Khan replied. Dear neha,
At least, you are truthful to some extent. It gives me a new direction to proceed. Well, this is a clash of ideas aided and abetted with a sense of dominance whereby your 100% does look to you right which may not be always true. This is dictatorship. Your home is not your office. Your demand for gifts and outings are part of your inherent personality that prefers to be cared, pampered or looked after. On the other hand your hubby's demand for sex is as natural as the day. Perhaps you have reached a certain level of growth mixed with your work pressure, fatigue and concern make you passive towards sex. This is a selfish demand. Unfortunately Indian ethos can take time to accept it.
Let me begin with the beginning. You speak of 'formalities' and 'respect' without knowing what the old couple really want from you. Be in their position. Let me be clear. What do your in-laws think? I tell you their feeling. Because of your dominating and dictating attitude, your in-laws feel cornered; they feel like igsignificant heads waiting for you order and your 'formalities' are part of the etiquette that you have earned as a professional. They don't want respect from their bahu' they want love, they want you to follow their orders rather than you as boss.Your short-tempered nature adds fuel to the fire. And you earn a lot of money. All this puts you in a very commanding position. I don't say that you should not enjoy that but remember: respect is commanded, not demanded, and you always seem demanding. There generated a sense of pride that demands honour from every one, even from your hubby who happened to be two years junior to you.You want everyone be ready, caring and assisiting when you reach home after day's work. As a human being your demand is genuine, but as a wife or SIL it will take time to get approved in Indian society. It is pretty difficult to advise your in-laws in this age.
That you think your hubby is childish conveys a lot of meaning; the poor guy seems a tutee under your tutelage.
Dear neha, you problem is that serious. It can be. I can give you some tips which are eternal truth.
Please change your self. Be active in sex, be a listener instead of a speaker, be a follower rather than a leader, be obedient rather force obedience on others, value otheres' opinions above your judgemental decisions, be a submissive member, not a shouting dictator, never be demanding, never bring office in your home, never give examples of high places, never downgrade your hubby, never suspect you in-laws' love for your kids, perhaps you will do the same in future, and the hardest dose is: hand over your salary either to you hubby or FIL or MIL. What will you get in return dear neha? You can not imagine now, you can not imagine the return you are going to get. Never wait for result. Your home is not a laboratory. All that you want. It takes time. You will be a winner. I can not predict future. No body. Just do you karma.
I have different ways to solve a problem. Perhaps you may not like. But give peace a chance. Neha replied. Hi ..

Sorry for late reply.. I was bit busy these days could not see u r messages.. anyway .. thanx for giving me good suggestions (nina,Indian wife and Khan..) I think.. Khan is taking this issue as a debate.. ok good..
I dont have any intension to seperate from my inlaws.. b'coz anyway I stay in different place ;-) , I do give proper respect to my MIL when I go there or
when she come to my place.. I follow all the formalities ( whatever she expects from her bahu ) and we never had any direct fight or argument..


about my hubby I allways show my love.. by sending greetings or purchasing gifts and I do whatever he want me to do...

actually Khan asked me about my faults.. I dont know I think I can not judge myself.. but still trying to say..I am very short tempered.. ( But I never lost my temper in front of my MIL and SIL's ) but I quarrel only with my hubby.. but when I quarrel I quarrel tooooo much.. but whatever I point in that will be 100% true.. I dont blame others... without reason.. but at the end of the fight I go and tell him sorry.. but I know for 100% I bug him.. :-). when I upset I openly tell my hubby abt the issue sometimes we solve (myself ,hubby and mil sometimes missinterpretation of words..which really happens..till now 2 times happend..she changed her commnts whatever she done on me infront of her son.. but still I said sorry to her.. I know with what reason she commented me.. )

actually my husband and myself r having 2 yrs of gap I am 2 yrs elder than him..so I feel he is childish..
He never behaves like a responsible.. hubby or father..
when I need something from market.. I have to tell 1000 times for that which makes me angry..and sometimes helpless feeling..

abt my MIL.. I got strong feeling that.. she never helps me in anyway.. whatever she promises also she never keeps her words.. in some pts he also feels very bad abt his mother.. and she is only concerned for my money (whatever I earn) but no concern for her grand child her son.and me..
but she never even makes a phone call to ask how r u?

this is the whole -ve feeling I got on her If show so much of love to her also I know no use as Nina said.. she is not having love on her son then what I expect from her..

ok .. anyway this is real debatable isuue.. and come up with more suggestions..I dont know.. whether I need to change myself and try to change them..


once again thanks











Shamsur Rabb Khan replied. Dear Neha, You ar not truthful in your statement. You just go on blaming your hubby and in-laws, not you. This is one-way story. No one can pass judgement. You say you try to adjust. But in reality, you are not. I could understand your problem which typical Indian wife's tale who prefers to separate from in-laws. You also look passive in sex as against your husband who is sex-dricen. Remember, sex brings love, not the other way. This is the truth. You did not mention your nagging behaviour. There must be some reasons with your hubby who wants to be with you in bed, not outside. But it is upto you to do that. This is not a problem. Problem is soemthing else that you have to tell. I like to hear your faults, and that too, from your own mouth. Please don't try to dictate your ways to him, but have his ways to dictate your ways in future. Did you get that? Nina replied. Dear Neha,
Please do not feel discouraged. You have lots of hope to your marriage.

First of all, I agree with \";An Indian Wife\";.

Showing love towards his family will make your relationship even stronger. Your husband may not express his feelings the way you feel he should, but men and women generally have different ways of expressing themselves. We women usually like to talk about issues, men sometimes repress them, this is not always the case though.

Just enjoy your child and give 100% of yourself to your husband. Give lots of love to your inlaws...it will all pay off.

Take care,
Nina An Indian Wife replied. Hey Neha,

I am so sorry to hear this. I hope things will be better sooner or later.

First of all, give him as much love as you can. Always, write him long e-mails (if you are at different places) or if you are together at his place, always show him in different ways that you love him a lot..If somebody is around you guys for eg: your in-laws, then secretly take care of him....take very very good care, so that he slowly, comes to you.. Be patient. And don't forget the power of \";pilllow talk\";. I hope you guys are having a good sex life anyway..And when you talk to his mother, give her importance..Generally, if your husband is a \";mommy's boy\"; then they will like you talking freely to his mother. Atleast you can act like that, right? Now you have a baby and you and the baby are the most important things in his life. If you want him to give you surprises and presents, you him that, and you will get it!!!! Its a \";give and take\"; bridge, dear. You give and you take... Ok?

Have you ever thought of taking his in-laws to some place nice? Like some temples ot whatever is important in your religion or some tourist places.. ?? Do that, One fine day ask your husband about this..Ask him, what about taking our whole family including in-laws to a nice place?\"; What about spending time together? It wil be difficult for you, but its very important. Now what he sees is that, you care about his family so much..Now He has no way, other than care about you atleast!! Do it and let me know. And one day you can again ask him \";What about going to ---------- for next long weekend...This time, we'll go alone, with our little princess... how do you feel about that\"; He will not refuse for sure.

This is all what I have to say...

I hope you have a good life ahead..

Remember Love is the key to everything.. (Love has been given the meaning \";lust\"; by some of the members in this board.. But what I am talking about is love, father-daughter-love, son-mom-love, husband-wife love etc)

God bless you!

Bye