I am a regular reader on this site. This is a great site which provides good info about developing children. I recently checked this column about in-laws. I find people only complain about their in-laws. Ok... i know most inlaws are manipulative and i do not know why they are like that.
I have a different problem and i want true suggestions from you all experienced women. I got married around 1.5 yrs back. I work from IT background and so is my wife. Since my marriage we have been having problems and now we have a baby and i feel it should come to an end. My wife is just like some the modern women who work and spend lavishy or atleast think they should find a partner who will make their lives easier without any pains at all. She does not understand that even the richest of the people in earth have to work physically, if they want a happy family. She never does any house work and will keep fighting like anything if i ask her to do. My mom will do all the housework and still she will keep fighting and irritating me all the time about my mother. I agree that after marriage wife should be given importance but there has to be a limit u keep listening bad about ur mother. My wife cooly says that she is not used to working hard and handling a family. I am equally helping her but she shows no intension to show any positive attitude. she is totally lazy and never did any physical work or exercise or controlled her food during her pregnancy and finally she became overweight and go a C-section. My mother daily used to tell her to do house work or some physical work since then only atleast a women body will be flexible in pregnancy. She never listend and all the time she cursed my mother and me for being a mamma boy. now finally she only got C-Section and she has problems because of that. I do not know how bad C-section is....
Now after our baaby since due to the demands of baby she has to do some work. Now she has quit her work since i asked to take care of baby for atleast 1 yrs. Still she does not even bother about saving any money for our future. My mother still cooks daily and handles all the work in home and inspite of that she will keep cursing her. She says she does not have power in the home to handle things in her manner. i.e. the kitchen or food or vessels should be like this or that. she then says that my mom is not allowing her to handle the house. I am telling her i will support u and say strongly to my mom to follow her . but with power comes responsibility means she has to make sure all food is cooked for everyone, things are clean and proper and we also save money. she is afraid of that also, because this will make her worker harder physically. she has not respect for me and mother. i do not understand what to do. she wants in control also but she wants a smmoth life. this is very confusing.
till now for last 1 yr i controled myself for whatever fights she did, because she was pregnnat and i did not want to harm. But now i am getting depressed and i am getting more and more irritaed. i am not able save money, i am worried for my daughter. it is a very costly world we need to work harder and smarter for our future and also our dependent future. I am able to hear daily curse against my mother. Finally now i also burst out and curse her parents very badly and infact i cursed them badly infront of them itself. I do not care about any selfrespect. But i am worried that i should not be like this as me and my wife fighting will affect my daughter who has not done any harm to anyone. I am asking her to change her attitude, i help her most of the times at home also inspite of my heavy office work. but now i am not able to take mental torture. women are very good in words they nag men to the core and sometime i feel i shoud kill myself or her. but i am worried about my daughter.
please advise. how i can i change my wife. how i can make less selfish and little caring about other people in home. Please do not mistake me as moamma boy, i equally help my wife at home. i feed my daughter at odd times at night. i wash her clothers and get them back after drying. i am doing most of the work which a lady does. but now i am getting depressed and i am becoming violent also which i do not want to be...
I feel the women who share their problems here are superwomen. You women do all the housework and inspite of that ur inlaws torture u. i wish i could have someone like u, i will give my life for such a person.
i do not have father, i cannot just dump my mother and i love my wife and daugther very much. i want to have a peaceful life.
my mother has negatives too ..... my mother is very emotional lady. She has a lot of expectations from my wife and sometimes i scold her for asking too much. She has lived in a era where ladies will do all the work like a bonded labour and the men will live like a king. She expects the same from my wife and for that she gets good scolding from me. But still she is doing the major work in house and so i am not able to say much.
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Hi all
I am a regular reader on this site. This is a great site which provides good info about developing children. I recently checked this column about in-laws. I find people only complain about their in-laws. Ok... i know most inlaws are manipulative and i do not know why they are like that.
I have a different problem and i want true suggestions from you all experienced women. I got married around 1.5 yrs back. I work from IT background and so is my wife. Since my marriage we have been having problems and now we have a baby and i feel it should come to an end. My wife is just like some the modern women who work and spend lavishy or atleast think they should find a partner who will make their lives easier without any pains at all. She does not understand that even the richest of the people in earth have to work physically, if they want a happy family. She never does any house work and will keep fighting like anything if i ask her to do. My mom will do all the housework and still she will keep fighting and irritating me all the time about my mother. I agree that after marriage wife should be given importance but there has to be a limit u keep listening bad about ur mother. My wife cooly says that she is not used to working hard and handling a family. I am equally helping her but she shows no intension to show any positive attitude. she is totally lazy and never did any physical work or exercise or controlled her food during her pregnancy and finally she became overweight and go a C-section. My mother daily used to tell her to do house work or some physical work since then only atleast a women body will be flexible in pregnancy. She never listend and all the time she cursed my mother and me for being a mamma boy. now finally she only got C-Section and she has problems because of that. I do not know how bad C-section is....
Now after our baaby since due to the demands of baby she has to do some work. Now she has quit her work since i asked to take care of baby for atleast 1 yrs. Still she does not even bother about saving any money for our future. My mother still cooks daily and handles all the work in home and inspite of that she will keep cursing her. She says she does not have power in the home to handle things in her manner. i.e. the kitchen or food or vessels should be like this or that. she then says that my mom is not allowing her to handle the house. I am telling her i will support u and say strongly to my mom to follow her . but with power comes responsibility means she has to make sure all food is cooked for everyone, things are clean and proper and we also save money. she is afraid of that also, because this will make her worker harder physically. she has not respect for me and mother. i do not understand what to do. she wants in control also but she wants a smmoth life. this is very confusing.
till now for last 1 yr i controled myself for whatever fights she did, because she was pregnnat and i did not want to harm. But now i am getting depressed and i am getting more and more irritaed. i am not able save money, i am worried for my daughter. it is a very costly world we need to work harder and smarter for our future and also our dependent future. I am able to hear daily curse against my mother. Finally now i also burst out and curse her parents very badly and infact i cursed them badly infront of them itself. I do not care about any selfrespect. But i am worried that i should not be like this as me and my wife fighting will affect my daughter who has not done any harm to anyone. I am asking her to change her attitude, i help her most of the times at home also inspite of my heavy office work. but now i am not able to take mental torture. women are very good in words they nag men to the core and sometime i feel i shoud kill myself or her. but i am worried about my daughter.
please advise. how i can i change my wife. how i can make less selfish and little caring about other people in home. Please do not mistake me as moamma boy, i equally help my wife at home. i feed my daughter at odd times at night. i wash her clothers and get them back after drying. i am doing most of the work which a lady does. but now i am getting depressed and i am becoming violent also which i do not want to be...
I feel the women who share their problems here are superwomen. You women do all the housework and inspite of that ur inlaws torture u. i wish i could have someone like u, i will give my life for such a person.
i do not have father, i cannot just dump my mother and i love my wife and daugther very much. i want to have a peaceful life.
my mother has negatives too ..... my mother is very emotional lady. She has a lot of expectations from my wife and sometimes i scold her for asking too much. She has lived in a era where ladies will do all the work like a bonded labour and the men will live like a king. She expects the same from my wife and for that she gets good scolding from me. But still she is doing the major work in house and so i am not able to say much.
venkat replied. ladies....
thank you all for giving a neutral opinion. it gives me a good hope...
dear smartman..
i agree with your strong opinion. but i feel it is a weak action to kick ur wife out of ur life just because she is arrogant.if i have to do that i cud have done the day she fought with me for the first time. And now i will not at all think of doing because whenever i see my daughter innocent face i feel she needs me more than anyone.
thanks again
venkat
SMARTMAN replied. Dear Venkat,
Your wife LEARNED THAT she can play with you and your mother. Let her stay with my mother for a week to give training. Your wife & her mother also will do household work.
You are now in hell. TO GET RID OF THIS PROBLEM SAY GOODBYE TO HER.
At the begininng my wife told me that educated girls don not do any house work, so she don't do. I told her, you bring your mother to work for you, otherwise I will kick you out from my life.
LIVE LIKE A MAN WITH BACKBONE.
zubi replied. hi venkat ...u r a nice hubby...
and a luckiest one in the world having three most beautiful ladies of the world. u know something thr is only one reason for evry heartbreak..ie expectations.
In your case evryone has a high expectation level with each other.
first u have to be cool and shud not scold anybody b4 anybody no need to impress anybody...
Well ur mother is fine bcoz ladies at ths age group ..we cant change much ...
now ur wife ....first of all find the reason of all her ill behave...may she feel insecure tht she is ur mother and u r her son ..( i know ths very much bcoz i hav gone thru )
try to show all yr love and care and also at the same time try to tell her abt her responsibilities towards home and kid ( in the beginning dont talk abt mother in law..as i think she hav had a bad perception abt in laws esp MIL) share all yr dreams together ....love love and just love her ..i know its a bit difficult for u males..as i have seen and suggested many women to love unconditionally to thr hubbies even if they do physical mental harm....
gift her something like flower watevr she likes, no need to be costly or ..trace whn she is happiest, wat makes her happy, Myself live with lots of inlaws and working too sometimes i hate living with thm but for the sake of man i love i take all the pain of inlaws i dont have time to look after my 1 yr old but i do all home chores for thm b4 goin to ofice and again do the same...and we financially support thm too
FIRST MAKE HER FEEL SECURE THAT U ARE TOTALLY HERS AND A SON TOO . AS SHE IS A DAUGHTER AND SIS AND AND WATEVER. AS SHE EQUALLY LOVE HER PARENTS SIBLINGS AND DAUGHTER TOO ...
Enjoy life yaar ..thr is much more in the world to suffer ....
keep posting
bye
Rakhi replied. Hi,
First of all congrats for being a proud father of an angel!!!
Now l do not be too much depressed and remember everything will be all right with the passage of time. My suggestions are
1. Give her some time and space to her to cope up with the new responsibilities and duties. You should also acknowledge her efforts, be understanding and instead of finding negativity search for her positive points also. This is great that she agreed to quit her job for the sake of your kid. This is a very tough and difficult decision I can say.
2. C-section is not a ghost in-fact its a blessing in disguise. I myself had C-section though I did not put on much weight and hyper active throughout my nine months but ended up with no option other than C-section due to fetus distress. C-section is done for safety of the baby and the mother only recovery time is a bit longer.
3. Mother go through so many changes during delivery and after delivery –sleepless nights , crying baby, concerns about baby , feeding, hormonal changes , body changes , post -partum depression, helplessness , list is endless. So you have to keep little more patience. Support her in her most difficult phase.
4. Hire a full time maid to take care of your baby and household works. As suggested by some one send your mother to her relative for one or two wk time . Let your wife realize her importance in handling household and other works.
5. Do not scold your mother simply make her understand that society has changed so much and now husband and wife share all the household and other works equally since both are engaged in demanding jobs. I am working too and my job is very demanding infact I have more job hours than my hubby. My husband helps in dusting and cleaning of the house, taking care of the kid in the night, rocking my kid in the night as and when he desires sometimes for more than one hour. Entertaining him in the night . I also do all the household works, shopping for my in laws, hubby and kids, cooking, etc. So support is two sided. My hubby helped me immensely after delivery as I had under gone depression and used to feel helplessness all the time.
6. Two of you should sit together and discuss the monthly budget, expenditures, saving etc. in totality. Share your apprehensions with her . Give all the salary in her hand and challenge her to save atleast certain amount (say Rs10,000/-) per month . She will automatically understand the importance of saving and how to manage the resources in right and appropriate manner.
7. Instead of brooding over petty issues spend quality time with your baby , this time will never come back . Discuss her small achievements, milestones with your wife. I am sure your wife will surely appreciate your efforts.
8. Even I am failed to understand why there is no chemistry between DILs and ILs. But they can not tolerate each other only adjustment is there.May be your mom did not help her after her delivery something like that. Do not scold your wife in front of your mom . Ur wife might feel humiliated and will not cooperate with you.
So cheer up and enjoy your family life.
Regards,
Rakhi
sandhya replied. Hi Venkat
First of all do not worry...I do understand what U go thru... but let me tell U some of ur problems r common which all couples having a baby go thru and having baby for the first time is a very challenging phase for both of U.... and is for all couples.... specially a small baby who needs attention 24/7...
My advice/suggestions to U r:
- Having a baby for the first time is very stressful.... coz u have to take care of the baby 24/7.... Maybe coz of this u both r very stressed and taking it out on each other with the daily some issues u go thru...
- I do understand that ur wife has been used to working and now she is home taking care of the baby,.... let me tell U having the first born baby for a new mother is very stressful.... coz U r normally used to just being free... taking care of ur self and other when they need U etc... when u feel like going out or doing something u do it ... there r no strings then but once u have a baby it changes completely... so maybe ur wife is going thru that phase but does not realise it ... and is getting irritated on small daily issues...
- With regard to ur wife being modern etc... I do understand... but ur wife is also a girl and is a daughter.. so she will definitely understand when u tell her ur view towards spending.... so maybe U should sit with her and discuss this issue.. put some rules down... but do it in a way that u both agree.... Also before u guys sit down to discuss the expenditure... tell her that no where in ur dicussion U should talk about u mom or her parents... its between u 2 not to bring up ur/her parents...
- She has been an IT employee and has never had problems with money so maybe she does not take it seriously coz she feels she can go back to work when ur baby is grown up.... and since she is in IT field... do not worry sooo much about money ya.... Money will come today it will go tomorrow.. try to take things a lil lighter,, but at the same time do keep a check on her spendings.... and talk to her about it.. so start of slowly.... tell her how u feel about her spending and listen to what she has to say... give her a chance.... and then try to cut down on the spending....
- With regard to pregnancy... just leave it.. do not worry about all that...just think of it this way.... be glad ur wife and ur baby r healthy and happy.... and everything went well without any harm to ur wife and baby.... Let me tell U one thing.... C section is not like a disease or anything its just an operation.... and it takes a lil more time to heal... but once it is healed there r nothing else to it.... ALl ur wife has to do is excercise and eat right.... I had a c-section... but I used to go for 45 min walk, do house work... when I was pregy daily and used to eat healthy food, watch my wait etc.. but then my waterbroke very early and it was 15 days to my due date.... and since I used to take a lot of pain killers when I was working ... so when they try to induce pain to have a normal delivery.. It did not work for me... the medicine did not have any effect on me..when u take too many pain killers (stressful job I used to get lot of headaches and also coz u stare at the comp the whole day)... ur body does not react to small dosages of inducing pain... ur body will need high dosage but the docs r not supposed to give high dosage.... so I did not have any pain for a normal delivery and had to go for c-section .. ... and I do not see any problem after the operation.... it just take a lil longer to heal thats all....
- And also just b'coz she had c-sec that does not mean she is lazy and she did not work etc.... and that the doctros r cheating.... it does not happen all the time .... U also have to keep in mind that in today's generation... with kind of lifestyle we live.... our body conditions r not the same as our mothers.... women today take in double the stress what our mom's / women used to take those days.... we have stressful work...long hours job.. and the kind of food we eat today is unbelievable... so not all women can have a normal delivery these days.... but we have to be thankful as long as the baby and the mom r doing well and r in good health.... So forget about the c-section funda.... it whats the old ladies talk coz they do not know how stressful jobs r today and the kind of food we eat today.... (even homemade... coz of all the pesticides/contaminated water/painkillers coz of headaches due to stressful jobs etc)
- If u feel ur wife is lazy... one idea is ask her to go to Yoga.... it will help her to have sometime alone, and will help her to bring down the stress and also excercise so she can be fit and also make friends or atleast gets to talk to some ladies and make friends...
- ALl I can say is C-Section is not a curse...its a saviour for many women in todays world... so that we can have a safe delivery and a healthy baby.... yea there r some DOcs in India who do it for money... but if u go to a good reputed doc.... they r good.... so forget about the C-section...
- With regard to the house work... ask ur mom to visit ur relatives home for sometime and let ur wife handle the house too... let me tell U she will not be able to handle it along with the baby its very difficult... but give her a chance .... maybe it will be an eye opener for her too...Also u can have a maid now who can help ur mom around with the house work and also help ur wife with baby's clothes etc.....
- Also U can sit with ur wife and tell her how much ur mom is helping them out .. specially with the baby... tell her that ur mom can take care of house and ur wife take care of the baby and spend more time and enjoy being with the baby watching her grow.. and maybe if she is plannig to get back to work... she can spend as much time as she can with the baby so that she will be ready for work... and at the time when she works... U can afford to have a full time maid.. so that the maid can help ur mom and take care of the baby and everybody is happy....
- Plz do understand it is a life changing experiece for ur wife coz now she has to forget about herself and take care of the baby... maybe she is getting frustrated and taking it out on u and ur mom etc.... so U have to be her pillar and hold her.... If u do not want her to talk about ur mom or anything... just tell her that.... or maybe if she is really angry let her talk it out... just listen to her and also try to make her understand that its ur mom and U cannot keep fighting with ur mom everyday specially coz ur dad's not there..... also ask her how she will feel if this was her mom... and if u did the same when her mom visited your home... try to be calm, patient listen to her.... if u do not feel like listening tell her that ur very stressed with the job and that U will listen later... but do listen to her later even if she does not U take up the topic ask her what she wanted to talk about....
- take her out... go for a movie... go out to dinner... let ur mom take care of the baby... have time for ur wife.. it'll help her and u...
- Hereafter... things will get a lil more tough coz the baby is here and u guys will be giving more attention to the baby and forget about each other... so do spend sometime alone aleast once a week... its very very important....
- Do not get upset/violent.... it will lead to a bigger problem... and afterwords it will be too late for u to get ur old wife back... so do not do anything when u r angry... just mentally shut down.... just go to the bath room etc... or when ur wife is arguing .. ask her to calm down.... and then u guys discuss..Ur wife is an educated and working woman so defintely she will listen when U try to make her understand and she will also see u and learn from U and ask u to calm down when u r shouting.... or go out to dinner and talk... she is ur wife ya... if she cannot make u happy who can.. and u r her hubby if u both cannot make each other happy then who will... she is also a working woman she know how life is at work... so talk to her.. tell her how U feel..... she will definitely understand....
- But the most important thing is do not take ur marriage of granted always and forget to love each other.... call her once in a while.... to tell her how much u appreciate her efforts on taking care of the family/baby etc... buy some flowers/chocolates once in a while and surprise her...
- Maybe she is upset coz u might be paying more attention to ur baby than her.... be a lil alert on that too... it might make her lonely.... show her love and u will receive love...
- Marriage is a give and take policy... if U give love u will get love... if U take care... U will be taken care of.....
- If she complains about ur mom tell her she is old fashioned and its difficult even for u to make ur mom understand....so tell ur wife to ignore if ur mom is not treating her properly .....that is how we as adult have to deal with life... I mean all mom-in-laws... most of time r jealous/insecure when their son gets a wife... coz they feel the wife will take their son away form her... or just that the moms feel that the wife's r replacing them... so they r very skeptical about their daughter-in-laws.. always comparing coz they compare themselves to their son's wife.... tell ur wife its just a feeling of insecurity and to just ingnore it....I mean that is all U can do... U can't keep fighting and trying to make her understand how u feel or how they behave etc... coz they r not ready to change their personality... they do not understand today's life so just ignore it... that the secret recipe....to deal with mom-in-laws in today's world....
- At the same time learn the trick of the trade... talk good things about ur wife to ur mom and vice versa..(but don't tell it to ur wife or ur mom)... for eg: take r wife out and tell her ur mom told she will take of the baby so that u both can go out and spend sometime together... with ur mom give ur mom some cash once in a while its ok if u give her monthly... or send her to some holy place and tell ur mom ur wife asked u to send her... try to make ur wife and ur mom appreciate each other.... and learn to like each other... and also give it sometime... u r just married for 1 and 1/2 years.... its still a lil early for ur wife to get adjusted....and to deal with ur mom...
- None of us r super wife's or super'moms.. we are just simple normal women.... who learn as we grow and from the mistake we make and others make... and we too make mistakes... bad decisions.... or have a tough phase of life... we just, talk it out to our friends etc learn and get thru it like u...
- But at the same time make sure u r not a mama's boy...have a mind and decision making of ur own... ur wife has given up her family/some of her choices etc and believes u will keep her happy and the family u guys have together happy.... so be fair to ur wife..... Only if ur wife is happy.. U can be happy/ur mom can be happy.. ur baby can be happy... so keep ur wife happy.. but at the same time when u see ur wife is wrong correct her.. be support to ur wife and mom... be nice to both of them and make sure they both r nice to each other... do not scold ur wife in front of ur mom... do not scold ur mom in front of ur wife.... U r the pillar to ur family....so u have to be strong, loving/supportive to ur family... if u lean .... everybody in ur family will fall.... so be strong....
- The problems U have .. r very common problems that we all go thru one way or the other.... and we talk, share just like u and get advice, hear stories of other friends and we learn and some how we get thru it.....
I hope my advice/suggestions/opinions help U....
Be happy... have fun... spend as much time as u can seeing ur daughter grow.... and be a loving hubby and caring son.... and a pillar to ur family....
Anu replied. Hi venkat,
I am realy proud of you.
Every girl in this world would dream of a man like you who helps his wife.
But at the same time you need to control your wife too.
Advise her not to be so arrogant. and to help your mom.
Try to sit and speak with her and tell her that now she has a baby and needs more attention and care for her.
The small baby shud not start her life with all the bad things goin on around her.
I think your wife might listen to you as she has listened to you for staying at home for one year.
Try to speak to her and get the things smooth.
All the Best.
Swapna replied. Hi
At the outset,I cannot put myself in your wife's shoes as Im not with my Il's and Im not working presently.But I can give you some pointers from a DIl's view
1.I fear if you are influnced to an extent by your mom's thoughts-wife to take charge of the house and men working.Do an honest soul search and answer urself truthfully.Both of you are in the IT field.Having been there and being a wife of one in the same field,i know how demanding the job is.So with all the timlines and pressure at work,its not easy for a woman to be good home maker as well.My Sil and her husband are in IT and they have a kid as well.Sometime she comes back at 2.00 a.m from work.She is with in laws too ,but she has hired a maid for her household work.Try that and give ur mom her much needed rest.Your compliant is only household work and nothing else.So try engaging someone for domestic so that the whole family can spend quality time together.
2.I do not want to comment on c section.I beleive you are in India where doctors perform c sections at the drop of a hat.My friends here in the US ,as well as me,are not used to much household work ,but we had helathy pregnancies and vaginal deliveries.And c section is not bad as its portrayed to be.Only the recovery period is longer.So get that out of your mind.
3.Now ,she's a stay at home mom.You have a small baby who needs to be attended round the clock.So I guess ,she's taking care of ur daughter.But I do agree that now being a full time mom,she can help your mom in a lot of ways.Maybe you need to instill in her the confidence that she can can handle the household efficiently.Try sending your mom on a vacation and give her a free hand at home for a couple of weeks.Once she she gets the hang og things,maybe she will rise to the occassion.But I would suggest,once she goes back to back,engage a maid.
All the best
2006-12-06
#1
Name: venkat Subject: thank you all
ladies....
thank you all for giving a neutral opinion. it gives me a good hope...
dear smartman..
i agree with your strong opinion. but i feel it is a weak action to kick ur wife out of ur life just because she is arrogant.if i have to do that i cud have done the day she fought with me for the first time. And now i will not at all think of doing because whenever i see my daughter innocent face i feel she needs me more than anyone.
thanks again
venkat
2006-12-06
#2
Name: SMARTMAN Subject: KICK OUT THIS BLOODY HELL
Dear Venkat,
Your wife LEARNED THAT she can play with you and your mother. Let her stay with my mother for a week to give training. Your wife & her mother also will do household work.
You are now in hell. TO GET RID OF THIS PROBLEM SAY GOODBYE TO HER.
At the begininng my wife told me that educated girls don not do any house work, so she don't do. I told her, you bring your mother to work for you, otherwise I will kick you out from my life.
LIVE LIKE A MAN WITH BACKBONE.
2006-12-08
#3
Name: SONYA Subject: To: smartman
I agree with you to some extent......
but, I also agree with Venkat on this one.
Most marriage will not survive if we
all think like you.
2006-12-06
#4
Name: zubi Subject: keep it up
hi venkat ...u r a nice hubby...
and a luckiest one in the world having three most beautiful ladies of the world. u know something thr is only one reason for evry heartbreak..ie expectations.
In your case evryone has a high expectation level with each other.
first u have to be cool and shud not scold anybody b4 anybody no need to impress anybody...
Well ur mother is fine bcoz ladies at ths age group ..we cant change much ...
now ur wife ....first of all find the reason of all her ill behave...may she feel insecure tht she is ur mother and u r her son ..( i know ths very much bcoz i hav gone thru )
try to show all yr love and care and also at the same time try to tell her abt her responsibilities towards home and kid ( in the beginning dont talk abt mother in law..as i think she hav had a bad perception abt in laws esp MIL) share all yr dreams together ....love love and just love her ..i know its a bit difficult for u males..as i have seen and suggested many women to love unconditionally to thr hubbies even if they do physical mental harm....
gift her something like flower watevr she likes, no need to be costly or ..trace whn she is happiest, wat makes her happy, Myself live with lots of inlaws and working too sometimes i hate living with thm but for the sake of man i love i take all the pain of inlaws i dont have time to look after my 1 yr old but i do all home chores for thm b4 goin to ofice and again do the same...and we financially support thm too
FIRST MAKE HER FEEL SECURE THAT U ARE TOTALLY HERS AND A SON TOO . AS SHE IS A DAUGHTER AND SIS AND AND WATEVER. AS SHE EQUALLY LOVE HER PARENTS SIBLINGS AND DAUGHTER TOO ...
Enjoy life yaar ..thr is much more in the world to suffer ....
keep posting
bye
2006-12-06
#5
Name: Rakhi Subject: Cheer up and face the front with positive attitude
Hi,
First of all congrats for being a proud father of an angel!!!
Now l do not be too much depressed and remember everything will be all right with the passage of time. My suggestions are
1. Give her some time and space to her to cope up with the new responsibilities and duties. You should also acknowledge her efforts, be understanding and instead of finding negativity search for her positive points also. This is great that she agreed to quit her job for the sake of your kid. This is a very tough and difficult decision I can say.
2. C-section is not a ghost in-fact its a blessing in disguise. I myself had C-section though I did not put on much weight and hyper active throughout my nine months but ended up with no option other than C-section due to fetus distress. C-section is done for safety of the baby and the mother only recovery time is a bit longer.
3. Mother go through so many changes during delivery and after delivery –sleepless nights , crying baby, concerns about baby , feeding, hormonal changes , body changes , post -partum depression, helplessness , list is endless. So you have to keep little more patience. Support her in her most difficult phase.
4. Hire a full time maid to take care of your baby and household works. As suggested by some one send your mother to her relative for one or two wk time . Let your wife realize her importance in handling household and other works.
5. Do not scold your mother simply make her understand that society has changed so much and now husband and wife share all the household and other works equally since both are engaged in demanding jobs. I am working too and my job is very demanding infact I have more job hours than my hubby. My husband helps in dusting and cleaning of the house, taking care of the kid in the night, rocking my kid in the night as and when he desires sometimes for more than one hour. Entertaining him in the night . I also do all the household works, shopping for my in laws, hubby and kids, cooking, etc. So support is two sided. My hubby helped me immensely after delivery as I had under gone depression and used to feel helplessness all the time.
6. Two of you should sit together and discuss the monthly budget, expenditures, saving etc. in totality. Share your apprehensions with her . Give all the salary in her hand and challenge her to save atleast certain amount (say Rs10,000/-) per month . She will automatically understand the importance of saving and how to manage the resources in right and appropriate manner.
7. Instead of brooding over petty issues spend quality time with your baby , this time will never come back . Discuss her small achievements, milestones with your wife. I am sure your wife will surely appreciate your efforts.
8. Even I am failed to understand why there is no chemistry between DILs and ILs. But they can not tolerate each other only adjustment is there.May be your mom did not help her after her delivery something like that. Do not scold your wife in front of your mom . Ur wife might feel humiliated and will not cooperate with you.
So cheer up and enjoy your family life.
Regards,
Rakhi
2006-12-06
#6
Name: sandhya Subject: Hi
Hi Venkat
First of all do not worry...I do understand what U go thru... but let me tell U some of ur problems r common which all couples having a baby go thru and having baby for the first time is a very challenging phase for both of U.... and is for all couples.... specially a small baby who needs attention 24/7...
My advice/suggestions to U r:
- Having a baby for the first time is very stressful.... coz u have to take care of the baby 24/7.... Maybe coz of this u both r very stressed and taking it out on each other with the daily some issues u go thru...
- I do understand that ur wife has been used to working and now she is home taking care of the baby,.... let me tell U having the first born baby for a new mother is very stressful.... coz U r normally used to just being free... taking care of ur self and other when they need U etc... when u feel like going out or doing something u do it ... there r no strings then but once u have a baby it changes completely... so maybe ur wife is going thru that phase but does not realise it ... and is getting irritated on small daily issues...
- With regard to ur wife being modern etc... I do understand... but ur wife is also a girl and is a daughter.. so she will definitely understand when u tell her ur view towards spending.... so maybe U should sit with her and discuss this issue.. put some rules down... but do it in a way that u both agree.... Also before u guys sit down to discuss the expenditure... tell her that no where in ur dicussion U should talk about u mom or her parents... its between u 2 not to bring up ur/her parents...
- She has been an IT employee and has never had problems with money so maybe she does not take it seriously coz she feels she can go back to work when ur baby is grown up.... and since she is in IT field... do not worry sooo much about money ya.... Money will come today it will go tomorrow.. try to take things a lil lighter,, but at the same time do keep a check on her spendings.... and talk to her about it.. so start of slowly.... tell her how u feel about her spending and listen to what she has to say... give her a chance.... and then try to cut down on the spending....
- With regard to pregnancy... just leave it.. do not worry about all that...just think of it this way.... be glad ur wife and ur baby r healthy and happy.... and everything went well without any harm to ur wife and baby.... Let me tell U one thing.... C section is not like a disease or anything its just an operation.... and it takes a lil more time to heal... but once it is healed there r nothing else to it.... ALl ur wife has to do is excercise and eat right.... I had a c-section... but I used to go for 45 min walk, do house work... when I was pregy daily and used to eat healthy food, watch my wait etc.. but then my waterbroke very early and it was 15 days to my due date.... and since I used to take a lot of pain killers when I was working ... so when they try to induce pain to have a normal delivery.. It did not work for me... the medicine did not have any effect on me..when u take too many pain killers (stressful job I used to get lot of headaches and also coz u stare at the comp the whole day)... ur body does not react to small dosages of inducing pain... ur body will need high dosage but the docs r not supposed to give high dosage.... so I did not have any pain for a normal delivery and had to go for c-section .. ... and I do not see any problem after the operation.... it just take a lil longer to heal thats all....
- And also just b'coz she had c-sec that does not mean she is lazy and she did not work etc.... and that the doctros r cheating.... it does not happen all the time .... U also have to keep in mind that in today's generation... with kind of lifestyle we live.... our body conditions r not the same as our mothers.... women today take in double the stress what our mom's / women used to take those days.... we have stressful work...long hours job.. and the kind of food we eat today is unbelievable... so not all women can have a normal delivery these days.... but we have to be thankful as long as the baby and the mom r doing well and r in good health.... So forget about the c-section funda.... it whats the old ladies talk coz they do not know how stressful jobs r today and the kind of food we eat today.... (even homemade... coz of all the pesticides/contaminated water/painkillers coz of headaches due to stressful jobs etc)
- If u feel ur wife is lazy... one idea is ask her to go to Yoga.... it will help her to have sometime alone, and will help her to bring down the stress and also excercise so she can be fit and also make friends or atleast gets to talk to some ladies and make friends...
- ALl I can say is C-Section is not a curse...its a saviour for many women in todays world... so that we can have a safe delivery and a healthy baby.... yea there r some DOcs in India who do it for money... but if u go to a good reputed doc.... they r good.... so forget about the C-section...
- With regard to the house work... ask ur mom to visit ur relatives home for sometime and let ur wife handle the house too... let me tell U she will not be able to handle it along with the baby its very difficult... but give her a chance .... maybe it will be an eye opener for her too...Also u can have a maid now who can help ur mom around with the house work and also help ur wife with baby's clothes etc.....
- Also U can sit with ur wife and tell her how much ur mom is helping them out .. specially with the baby... tell her that ur mom can take care of house and ur wife take care of the baby and spend more time and enjoy being with the baby watching her grow.. and maybe if she is plannig to get back to work... she can spend as much time as she can with the baby so that she will be ready for work... and at the time when she works... U can afford to have a full time maid.. so that the maid can help ur mom and take care of the baby and everybody is happy....
- Plz do understand it is a life changing experiece for ur wife coz now she has to forget about herself and take care of the baby... maybe she is getting frustrated and taking it out on u and ur mom etc.... so U have to be her pillar and hold her.... If u do not want her to talk about ur mom or anything... just tell her that.... or maybe if she is really angry let her talk it out... just listen to her and also try to make her understand that its ur mom and U cannot keep fighting with ur mom everyday specially coz ur dad's not there..... also ask her how she will feel if this was her mom... and if u did the same when her mom visited your home... try to be calm, patient listen to her.... if u do not feel like listening tell her that ur very stressed with the job and that U will listen later... but do listen to her later even if she does not U take up the topic ask her what she wanted to talk about....
- take her out... go for a movie... go out to dinner... let ur mom take care of the baby... have time for ur wife.. it'll help her and u...
- Hereafter... things will get a lil more tough coz the baby is here and u guys will be giving more attention to the baby and forget about each other... so do spend sometime alone aleast once a week... its very very important....
- Do not get upset/violent.... it will lead to a bigger problem... and afterwords it will be too late for u to get ur old wife back... so do not do anything when u r angry... just mentally shut down.... just go to the bath room etc... or when ur wife is arguing .. ask her to calm down.... and then u guys discuss..Ur wife is an educated and working woman so defintely she will listen when U try to make her understand and she will also see u and learn from U and ask u to calm down when u r shouting.... or go out to dinner and talk... she is ur wife ya... if she cannot make u happy who can.. and u r her hubby if u both cannot make each other happy then who will... she is also a working woman she know how life is at work... so talk to her.. tell her how U feel..... she will definitely understand....
- But the most important thing is do not take ur marriage of granted always and forget to love each other.... call her once in a while.... to tell her how much u appreciate her efforts on taking care of the family/baby etc... buy some flowers/chocolates once in a while and surprise her...
- Maybe she is upset coz u might be paying more attention to ur baby than her.... be a lil alert on that too... it might make her lonely.... show her love and u will receive love...
- Marriage is a give and take policy... if U give love u will get love... if U take care... U will be taken care of.....
- If she complains about ur mom tell her she is old fashioned and its difficult even for u to make ur mom understand....so tell ur wife to ignore if ur mom is not treating her properly .....that is how we as adult have to deal with life... I mean all mom-in-laws... most of time r jealous/insecure when their son gets a wife... coz they feel the wife will take their son away form her... or just that the moms feel that the wife's r replacing them... so they r very skeptical about their daughter-in-laws.. always comparing coz they compare themselves to their son's wife.... tell ur wife its just a feeling of insecurity and to just ingnore it....I mean that is all U can do... U can't keep fighting and trying to make her understand how u feel or how they behave etc... coz they r not ready to change their personality... they do not understand today's life so just ignore it... that the secret recipe....to deal with mom-in-laws in today's world....
- At the same time learn the trick of the trade... talk good things about ur wife to ur mom and vice versa..(but don't tell it to ur wife or ur mom)... for eg: take r wife out and tell her ur mom told she will take of the baby so that u both can go out and spend sometime together... with ur mom give ur mom some cash once in a while its ok if u give her monthly... or send her to some holy place and tell ur mom ur wife asked u to send her... try to make ur wife and ur mom appreciate each other.... and learn to like each other... and also give it sometime... u r just married for 1 and 1/2 years.... its still a lil early for ur wife to get adjusted....and to deal with ur mom...
- None of us r super wife's or super'moms.. we are just simple normal women.... who learn as we grow and from the mistake we make and others make... and we too make mistakes... bad decisions.... or have a tough phase of life... we just, talk it out to our friends etc learn and get thru it like u...
- But at the same time make sure u r not a mama's boy...have a mind and decision making of ur own... ur wife has given up her family/some of her choices etc and believes u will keep her happy and the family u guys have together happy.... so be fair to ur wife..... Only if ur wife is happy.. U can be happy/ur mom can be happy.. ur baby can be happy... so keep ur wife happy.. but at the same time when u see ur wife is wrong correct her.. be support to ur wife and mom... be nice to both of them and make sure they both r nice to each other... do not scold ur wife in front of ur mom... do not scold ur mom in front of ur wife.... U r the pillar to ur family....so u have to be strong, loving/supportive to ur family... if u lean .... everybody in ur family will fall.... so be strong....
- The problems U have .. r very common problems that we all go thru one way or the other.... and we talk, share just like u and get advice, hear stories of other friends and we learn and some how we get thru it.....
I hope my advice/suggestions/opinions help U....
Be happy... have fun... spend as much time as u can seeing ur daughter grow.... and be a loving hubby and caring son.... and a pillar to ur family....
2006-12-06
#7
Name: Anu Subject: u are gr8 venkat
Hi venkat,
I am realy proud of you.
Every girl in this world would dream of a man like you who helps his wife.
But at the same time you need to control your wife too.
Advise her not to be so arrogant. and to help your mom.
Try to sit and speak with her and tell her that now she has a baby and needs more attention and care for her.
The small baby shud not start her life with all the bad things goin on around her.
I think your wife might listen to you as she has listened to you for staying at home for one year.
Try to speak to her and get the things smooth.
All the Best.
2006-12-06
#8
Name: Swapna Subject: from a DILs perspective
Hi
At the outset,I cannot put myself in your wife's shoes as Im not with my Il's and Im not working presently.But I can give you some pointers from a DIl's view
1.I fear if you are influnced to an extent by your mom's thoughts-wife to take charge of the house and men working.Do an honest soul search and answer urself truthfully.Both of you are in the IT field.Having been there and being a wife of one in the same field,i know how demanding the job is.So with all the timlines and pressure at work,its not easy for a woman to be good home maker as well.My Sil and her husband are in IT and they have a kid as well.Sometime she comes back at 2.00 a.m from work.She is with in laws too ,but she has hired a maid for her household work.Try that and give ur mom her much needed rest.Your compliant is only household work and nothing else.So try engaging someone for domestic so that the whole family can spend quality time together.
2.I do not want to comment on c section.I beleive you are in India where doctors perform c sections at the drop of a hat.My friends here in the US ,as well as me,are not used to much household work ,but we had helathy pregnancies and vaginal deliveries.And c section is not bad as its portrayed to be.Only the recovery period is longer.So get that out of your mind.
3.Now ,she's a stay at home mom.You have a small baby who needs to be attended round the clock.So I guess ,she's taking care of ur daughter.But I do agree that now being a full time mom,she can help your mom in a lot of ways.Maybe you need to instill in her the confidence that she can can handle the household efficiently.Try sending your mom on a vacation and give her a free hand at home for a couple of weeks.Once she she gets the hang og things,maybe she will rise to the occassion.But I would suggest,once she goes back to back,engage a maid.
All the best
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RE:RE:female or male sex capsules or some other assesori
thank you all
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