Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hello everybody,

I came accorss this website months ago & now that I am depressed, Ive come back here to see what other Indian friends have to say about my situation.

In all fairness, this is not really a situation. I left India in 2004 to pursue my studies in the UK. A year on by October 2005, I graduated with an IT degree, found the first ever full time job (In a call centre), got married to an englishman (Yes Gora)with the agreement of my family. We married last year in October and my parents came here from India & then we went to India in March with his parents & had a lavish Indian wedding. My parents in Law are great & my husband is very loving, supportive & caring. Me & my husband have just been promoted in our Jobs. We both have our own house and a car & my in laws live in a diffrent city. Till here everything is perfectly fine in my life.

But wait, there are issues I have.

I miss my parents and my siblings all the time as they live in India.
I miss all the festivals & festive season like my first karva Chauth, my First diwali after marrige etc.
I think about Indian culture & togetherness & love people share there all the time.
I have my sister living with us from 3-4 months for 2 years as she is studying here, I feel that I have to look after her like my mum used to look after us all. But I have a full time job & a house to look after too.
There is no maid culture here so I do all the cooking, ironing, cleaning, laundry, dishes myself. (My husband tries to help but his job is far more stressful then mine & longer hours so I ask him to relax when he is at home)
We have a debt of about 20,000 pounds which we are paying off but that leaves little money to enjoy our lives before we have children.
By the time the debts are paid off, it will be time to have kids & raise them so we both wont have a chance to live our lives before taking the responsibility of babies.
Due to all these issues I feel depressed & upset all the time. I feel anxious, stressted, confused & down.I dont have any friends & I dont like the socialising culture here anyway as it involves going to discos & drinking & I dont enjoy discos & I dont drink. Sometimes I feel, my life is all about, getting up in the morning, do house work, go to work, come home, cook, do dishes & go to bed. What should I do??

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
McClure replied. Hi SV, Life today & Sonya,

First of all many many thanks to all three of you to take your time to reply to me in such great details & depth. I was surprised with the amount of suggestions SV came up with to sort my issues out. I have taken on board a few of them already. I had a get together with my old friends in a nearby city yesterday & it felt so refreshing. Surprisingly enough for me, my friend told me that she was also having similar issues with her living here. So, I am going to take a bit more pride in my life from now on & cherish the moments with my husband because not every girl is lucky enough to have a husband like mine.

Thanks for boosting my confidence.

TC SONYA replied. Okay............First of all.

Breathe in, then breathe out. Relax for a
moment.

I could of sworn that.....I was reading
my own life. Except.....me and my husband
live alone and the fact that my parents
and in laws live about 7 hours away from
us and we are debt free.

n-e-ways, back to your story. If you
have read sv replys, it's pretty clear.
she/he gave some excellent suggestions.

This is what, I would do:
find a way to make extra money. For
example.....get yourself in touch with
a wholesaler. Find the type of item
you think will let you make some profit
(gold, dvd's, arts and crafts) make
lots and lots of friends. Sell these
items to them, and make a few dollars
here and there. Have you tried
buying and selling homes?? at least this
will help with your debt.

Do a search.......try to find an Indian
club, near your home. Join it, and make
friends. (takes a while, but it can be
done)

the truth is......eventually you learn
to live like this. It's not a bad life.
One day, you are going to relize that
your husband is everything to you. sv replied. Hi Mclure

I really empathise with U on the situation u r in... and I do know a lot of my friends who r in the same situation. SO do not worry its just a passing time for all Indian women who live abroad....

But let me tell U this... its just a passing phase in ur life.. U will get over it after sometime.... However, My advice/suggestions to u r :

- with regard to U missing indian festivals...... I am sure there r lots of Indians like u in ur neighbourhood. maybe u can join them try to socialise more than what U do... and maybe u can invite them on special occasions.... and celebrate festivals.... try to put urself in all the indian associations in ur place so u r hooked up on all the activities..... maybe if ur hubby is inteested u can include him once in a while... do not force cause he might get bored sometimes... try to take him when its really exciting like on diwali etc.... but if ur hubby is interested do enjoy urself with him.... but do explain to him about where u r going and what will they do there and ask him if he is ok with it... if he is ok.. then take him else... I suggest u respect his decision.... coz if u do not respect his decision then he will not respect ur decision.... - also maybe if u really miss the festivals.... maybe u can go to india when u r really depressed... and just go and have fun with ur family... I mean nothing is worth making u sooo happy and it will definitely boost ur energy and u can go on with ur life in UK for maybe another year etc...

- about missing ur parents.. maybe u can ask them to visit u once a year or once in 2 years and then U can go and visit them the other year... just plan to ur comfort.....

- with regard to the loan and having a baby.... all couples go thru this kind of a situation... U just have to accept life like it is.... do not always think of the worries... try to think of the things u want to do on a daily basis... try to go for yoga classes... or something else that u r interested..in//... money will come today and go tomorrow... but once u loose a certain stage or age in ur life u will never get it back... but am not telling u to just forget ur loan etc... keep a balance.. maybe u can take a part of ur one month sal to entertain urself.... etc... discuss it with ur hubby....... with regard to kids... it will happen when time comes... just plan stage by stage.... maybe before u plan to get pregy u can go for a nice long tour.... go to bahamas.. or carribean islands.. or something like that....so that u guys r ready to take up the responsibility of taking care of the baby etc....

- with regard to ur sis.... I think she is old enough to take care of herself... but do put down some rules at home... ask her to help u around the house... and tell her she should be home by 9 or 10pm, maybe give a mobile and keep in touch with her.. if u r late or if she is late etc....... maybe if u r tired.. u can ask her to buy food from out or help u cook etc..Shes ur sis... if ur sis can't help u who will.. I think it is her responsibilty to help u around ... coz she lives with U and knows how life is in UK....

- Yea ... I do understand about the monotonous life abroad.... all I can tell U is make friends... try to socialise.. and keep in touch with other working ladies like u and share ur thoughts.... they will share theirs.... and definitely it will make u feel better....

- The secret to relieving ur worries is to socialise make friends... coz there r many women who would like to make friends.... and speak their worries.... ur worries r common worries which all Indian women abroad have.. its not like u have probs with ur family members etc (touch wood).... U r happy... basically... its just that u r bored.. and really bored with u monotonous life... so socialise.... there is this old saying if U r in Rome be a Roman.... ,, I do understand u do not like to drink etc... but try to have a open mind.... when u r abroad.... specially settled.. married to a white guy etc.... u have to have a open mind.coz u have made the choise of marrying a white guy and settling abroad.. do not say U r not that kind of a person, it will offend the others.... just try and see if u like drinks and see if u like..maybe act like u like it if u want to make friends.. but the people respect u if u do not drink maybe u can have coke etc.. when they drink.... there r all kinds of people.... However, if U really do not like drinks ...maybe u can look for ur type of women... u will definitely get... if not then I suggest U go along with them but not change ur personality, talk.. go out... etc... limit ur self to what you'd like to do and work it out...u r the only person who can choose what U like...

- maybe if u cannot do the housework... u can have a part time maid.... or have a dishwasher.... or buy food from out when u r tired of cooking... U r in UK... all women live like u there... they have readymade food available ... dishwashers etc.... made just for women like U.... so why r u worrying... be happy.. life is short... coz once u have kids... U will loose more freedom and u will have to worry about taking care of the kid.... food, health, growth, school and worries will grow as the kid grows... etc...

- See let me be frank... not all women have the freedom and chances U have... there r millions of women... who r stuck at home with kids... or in-laws. etc.... who would kill to have ur life.... so be happy with what u have try to think positive... and live each day to ur best coz not all women have oppurtunities .... or have the freedom of choice like u have....

SO have fun.... live life to the fullest coz we do not know whats in store in the future..... All the Best.... I hope my advice/suggestions help U..... life today! replied. Dear MM,

I am sorry, you found yourself here! I understand you got into a tough financial situation at the very start of a married life.

First missing (earstwhile)family and culture : This happens with every newly married person today who are living away from home. But the strength of love of the new relationship you have embraced should be able to support you in this. For example you can explain the significance of `karva Chauth' and your `First diwali' to him and have him with you as you celebrate these!

I do appreciate the debt and by the time its over, children coming but all this also has an element of your choice, you have chosen to be in this fast life and the material benefit thereof. There are plenty of girls like you getting at IT degree and a job in call centers without leaving their country or culture!

So think and find out if your present conditions are due to your choices. If so then go back to the reasons of those choices, start valuing your choices if you are still convinced of them or else consider modification of few of those choices that you can modify still and be ready to accept the aftermath of such decisions for the forseeable future.

Are you sure that yours is a loved marriage and the love still continues in spite of the vagaries of life?