Relationships  Discussion Forum

Please help and advise me soon!! I have critical situation right now. My problems are my in-laws and husband who blindly loves and obeys his parents. I have no other issues with my husband other than his parents creating disturbance in our lives. I am trying to write briefly but still it will be long…Sorry but please read it.

I got married 41/2 yrs back in India. My husband stayed only 12 days after our marriage and went back to Canada so we did not get enough time to develop close intimacy. I had to wait for my immigration for 7 months in India and had to stay most of the time with my in-laws. My in-laws pretended to be good to me before marriage but they treated me horribly after that. They hurt me emotionally as much as they could. My mil used to feed false things to my husband on phone because of which my husband and me always had fights over the phones. My mil created lot of misunderstanding in our relationship. Those 7 months were the worst nightmare of my lifetime. My mother-in-law hates everyone especially my parents and relatives. My parents had to take all the responsibilities and expenses related to my immigration- filling the forms, passport, took me Delhi for medical examination, tickets to Canada and finally Delhi airport. My in-laws did not even come to Delhi. My parents and me were very upset but I could not do anything b’coz my mom and me were scared that my life would be destroyed and we thought that once I’ll join my husband in Canada everything would be fine.

When I came to Canada, I received a warm welcome from my husband and have been living with him for close to 4 yrs now. I know that my hubby loves me but he loves his parents more than me. His parent especially his mother is very possessive and controls him like a puppet… obviously he is also very ideal, dedicated, obedient son. His parents want to settle with us permanently in Canada. My husband says that he actually wanted to sponsor his parents soon after our marriage but hasn’t been able to do so b’coz of me. Two years back when we went to visit family in India, he helped his parents to complete all the formalities related to immigration forms. The only thing left is signing of papers from our end. He wants me to co-sign the application but I was able to avoid/postpone it somehow. I think he wants me to sign b’coz I’m working.

Last year his parents visited us for few months. Few weeks later, my hubby lost his job and was staying all day at home with them. I tried to do all my duties as a DIL but did not had very personal talks/closeness with my PIL to avoid any arguments. My hubby and his parents got upset about it. Behind my back (when I was at work), they complained about me to my hubby. I had a big fight over this issue with my husband. He said that his parents warned him that they would never step in our house if I do not show any emotional closeness with his parents. Finally, I had to apologise to my hubby and his parents to calm everyone down.

Soon after his parents left for India, our relationship was back on track. But just a month later, we got a very dramatic and aggressive letter from my mil to take final decision about their immigration. My FIL is retired but mil is still working. She wrote that if we were to say no for their immigration, we should sign an attached letter (which she wrote herself on our behalf) and send them immediately. My hubby looked very upset for few weeks but we didn’t discuss it. I overheard my hubby talking to his parents over the phone “Mom, I’m sorry I cannot sign the immigration forms until I find a job”. Fortunately my husband found a job 31/2 months later i.e. Jan 2003 but unfortunately we received a similar letter with even more harsh words from my mil. My hubby and me too much fight almost kill each other over this issue. My hubby’s elder brother who also lives in different city in Canada does not take initiative regarding this issue. It is very unreasonable for my hubby to push me to take his parents responsibility. I’m scared and feel very insecure about my future relationship with my hubby when his parents come to live with us permanently. I already had lot of discussion/arguments/fights regarding this issue for the last few months with my hubby but all in vain. On the contrary, my husband blames my family or me for whatever had happened in the past. He tells me to forget everything that had happened but it is easy to say than done. He says that his parents are innocent and very nice people and so I should give them respect and embrace them as my own parents. When I asked him as to why he did not take any responsibility related to my immigration/tickets to Canada; instead of understanding my emotions he says he is ready to send money to my parents.

I love my hubby but have developed hatred in my heart for his parents. I’m very stressed for past 3 months. I’m very hurt because my hubby does not understand my feelings at all. I also feel that all my friends are lucky to have very understanding husband and I’m the unlucky one. None of my friends have their in-laws staying with them permanently. Also, my in-laws have very orthodox/traditional views and my husband wants me to adjust and change according to his parents. Just to give an eg. My hubby and me cannot sit close to each other or hold hands in front of them and restrictions of clothes on me. My hubby is looking for an ideal situation where his parents and me both should be happy at the cost of my sacrifice only. I’m 29 yrs and not able to think about having kids because of this issue. Please advise me, what should I do in such a situation. Also, if anyone has experience of such a situation, please let me know.


juvinile replied. Nidhi,

I can see whoever has replied to you is women herself. No man has responded to your problems. My wife is having the same problems with my parents. I dont have any solution. I have also been believing now that I love my parents more than my wife. I dont have any solution. I think we should take up divorce as an option. She wants to be independant and live happily or remarry to someone else let her be happy in that way. As for me I am not able to think leaving my old parents for death as an option. If you want to talk about this I can give you husban's point of view without fighting over this matter.
I will also benefit from it Mohna replied. I can totally understand this. My situation is very similar in many ways & I think, I am more misrable than you. My FIL is all alone in India. My MIL expired in 1998. Seems like he is waiting to come here in the US permanently. I faught with my husband & have convinced him to leave the matter for now. Moreover, he cannot come here permamanently until we become citizens, so I think we still have 4 years but after that his coming here is inevitable. I am scared to death to even imagin my FIL here since he is very intruding, very harsh & very interfering. He is toooooooooo much attached to his son & would never leave him & give us our private time - thats exactly what he did when he was here just after 5 months of our wedding & he spoiled everything for us. xyz replied. hello nidhi

I am very sorry to here u r problem my sister is also going through the same situation, only the difference is u r a working and she is house wife so .. she compromised to adjust as neha told after kids he will change my sister is alos having kid but of no use he never changed. my BIL loves my sister and his kid but he loves his mother than them....
and one of my cousin also had same problem.. she tried to change but could not change her husband..
one more example is my mother.. b'coz my father never supported her.. but my grand parents r good .. but my father allways used to give both salaries for his brothers education etc etc and all he never listend my mom.. so atlast he lost her (she commited sucide).. when I was months baby..
he only taken care and brought us now he is realising what he lost.. at the age of 66 yrs..

so try to explain u r husband once they come there difficult to handle..
very less chances that u r husband will change u have option.. u can live u r life when he realises definitely he comes to u..If he really loves u..
but until unless u solve this issue dont plan for child.. tell him If he wants children or not..

I am not trying to scare u but be practical.. this is the life it happens..
so becarefull and handle situation well..

I HOPE U CAN CHANGE U R HUSBAND..ALL THE BEST








xyz replied. hello nidhi

I am very sorry to here u r problem my sister is also going through the same situation, only the difference is u r a working and she is house wife so .. she compromised to adjust as neha told after kids he will change my sister is alos having kid but of no use he never changed. my BIL loves my sister and his kid but he loves his mother than them....
and one of my cousin also had same problem.. she tried to change but could not change her husband..
one more example is my mother.. b'coz my father never supported her.. but my grand parents r good .. but my father allways used to give both salaries for his brothers education etc etc and all he never listend my mom.. so atlast he lost her (she commited sucide).. when I was months baby..
he only taken care and brought us now he is realising what he lost.. at the age of 66 yrs..

so try to explain u r husband once they come there difficult to handle..
very less chances that u r husband will change u have option.. u can live u r life when he realises definitely he comes to u..If he really loves u..
but until unless u solve this issue dont plan for child.. tell him If he wants children or not..

I am not trying to scare u but be practical.. this is the life it happens..
so becarefull and handle situation well..

I HOPE U CAN CHANGE U R HUSBAND..ALL THE BEST








Shamsur Rabb Khan replied. If you read your statement you will be surprised to find that you have already given the answer. However, to help you sort out the mess, I have two options for you: the first one is a short story--a missionary went to a philanthropist and complained that he had no ability to bring people near him.
\";You are a liar.\"; Said the hermit. The missionary was astonished at the harsh reply.
\";You don't have the ability to reach out to people.\"; Was all the hermit replied and closed his eyes. The missionary had his answer.
Dear Nidhi, my second option is cruel. All you have to do is to pray for your in-laws early death or just wait till they passed away. Well, separation is the common solution that you are going to take, but that does not need any advice. Nidhi replied. Archana, Sorry! I gave wrong email address, so here is the correct one incase you want to get in touch.
Married to Indian replied. I think what you are going through is horrible. I would not put up with it. You and your husband are married and always his number one priority should be to YOU, not to his parents. That is the way a marriage should be. I think it is time to evaluate your marriage and tell your hubby what you think. If he loves you, he will understand what you are going through and what has happened in the past. Otherwise, I tell you to get out of your marriage. The customs and ways you have to act in front of your in-laws are ridiculous! Sorry, but these are just my points of view. I do wish you good luck in making your husband understand your wishes. neha replied. Sorry to hear ur problem. But I can tell u one thing that still there is some hope coz u said that u don't have problems with ur husband & u love him & he loves u too . So the only problem is that he didn't listen to u when it comes to his parents. In my opinion u should try to make a healthy relationship with ur husband so that he can realize that even if u have problems with ur in-laws u still love him & care 'bout him & soon he will realize that his life will become difficult without u then he can think 'bout it rationally & u both can think 'bout some common compromise 'bout this.

u know I had a close friend in india with the same problem but after 4 yrs of marriage her problem is solved now & she is happy with his husband & 2 kids now. She had problems more than u ..her life was just like a hell. she even try once to end her life but with the support of her mother & friends she managed all the things with patience after that.

I can give u one suggestion too. U said that u can't think of children now. But i think once u have kid it will help in ur relation with ur husband or a miracle can happen & may be u found the change in ur in-laws behaviour& kid can change ur life specially if ur husband loves u. Coz i've seen it. The friend which one i'm talking 'bout..kid play a special role in changing their relationship.

Good luck ...

May god give u patience to bear all this & help u in ur difficult times. archana. replied. If your hubby is not on your side, it's difficult to deal with your problem.you can't do much about it.I have similar problems like you.however avoid fighting with your hubby.silence is best idea.they will try to control about you, you don't have to show shit about thier idea, ignore it & give them respect for age & as your in-laws.remember you can make your hubby yours by loving him, &showing it.