Relationships  Discussion Forum

I do not know from where to begin but please keep patience and advice as per your convenience
I have been married for last 5 years and ours was a love marriage after lots of hype and opposition from my side. He belongs to a higher caste and my parents had apprehensions about it. His parents were also against our marriage but gave up in the last. Though I was earning better than my husband and was on a higher post than him yet I never got the due respect, recognition, comfort level and above all love I deserved as I belong to a lower caste. I was brought up in a very broadminded society whereas he was brought up in an orthodox joint family.

We graduated and did MBA from the same institute. I got the job prior to him and supported him financially for almost 4 years. He was nothing when I married him. He was gaunt, tall, always had Gutka in his mouth, stinking always. I begged everybody on the interview panel board to give more marks vis-à-vis select him. After lots of efforts and manipulations he got the Job in my company though junior to me, we married the same year. From that day he started showing his true colours . He has no interest in me or what I want . Though he is not impotent yet he is not physical at all . We had S** twice or thrice a year only. No cuddling, hugging, kissing nothing at all. He has no interest in me hates my look as I have gained so much weight since pregnancy.
He drinks, chew gutka and smokes heavily. Friction/tension started building up in our relationship. He drinks and uses very abusive language in inebriated state.

After few years he left the job and joined some other company. Once his salary exceeded more than me he became more aggressive started hitting me too, calling me by names. Though I am eight months pregnant he has never shown any signs of emotion/ respect. In-fact once he slapped me so hard on my tummy that I did not feel movements for a long time. He never accompanied me to my gynae. Now we rarely talk to each other in amicable manner. We are leading parallel life without any interaction with each other. I can not leave him as I married against my parent’s wish and nobody will support me. I can not live alone also due to so many reasons. I can not kill myself as child inside me has all rights to live.

Is this what I deserved or just outcome of my Karmas, I wonder. Please advice what should I do. I am depressed, unable to handle my work properly and incapable to think clearly. I pray to god that I die the same day my child will born. I am writing and weeping thinking about my kid’s future. I should have never disobeyed my parents .
ARAVIND SWAMY replied. Dear Sister,

You are able to stand on your own legs, I mean you are financially stable.

Say GOODBYE TO THIS HIGH CASTE BASTARD.

Caste is made by human JACKALS who want to utilise others sweat for their happy life.

Higher caste bastards will fuck low caste girls in the night and show hatred in day time.

THIS IS DUE TO THEIR INFERIORITY COMPLEX.

SAY GOODBYE TO THIS RASCAL AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.

WISH YOU A HEALTHY CASTELESS CHILD AND I PRAY FOR YOUR GOOD FUTURE WITHOUT THIS GUY.

DON'T THINK TO END YOUR LIFE, LIFE IS A STRUGGLE FOR ALL PEOPLE NOT ONLY FOR YOU. HOW YOU ARE FACING YOUR PROBLEMS, THAT IS THE IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE.

WISH YOU AGAIN A HEALTHY CHILD WHO WILL BE WITH YOU IN YOUR FUTURE LIFE.

Karen replied. please do not be so hard on yourself. Picking the wrong guy could have easily happened even in an arranged marriage scenario.

Based on what you have written, you come across as a hardworking and sincere woman. Let me first tell you a couple of things.

It is no doubt that you are being abused. And as with all classical abuse scenarios, the abuser tends to think that it is their fault that they are in this situaltion adn that they deserve it. Well, No, it isn't your fault and you don;t deserve it.

That being said, please think calmly as to whether you have in way led your husband to believe that he is a total loser and you are the smart kid in the block. The male ego is extremely fragile and if you had acted in a way as to portray to the world that your husband is a loser, he is just getting back at you.

Once again, I am saying this only to see the two sides of the coin. Even if this were the case his actions are totally not justified.

However, the way to deal with the situation may be different. You will have to stop portraying him as the \" bad guy\" and a \" loser\" and say good things about him/praise him in front of others. See if that makes even a tiny difference.

If you do think that that is not the case, then I would suggest that you plan a separation - stay put till you have the baby and the baby is about 6 weeks. You can esily move to a city like B'lore and live comfortably by yourself. Get a job and a nanny for your child.

But keep in mind, if your criticisms/jibes have indeed been the cause of your husband's behavior, then doing this (separation) is going to aggravate the situation, you will be raising the stakes each time you portray that you are smarter, don't need him and that he is the bad guy.

Think about this - did you fall in love and later were disappointed that the guy didn't stand up to your expectations aka couldn't get a job etc. In your eyes, you helped him get a job, but in his eyes, you are just acting smart and making him look bad.

Although it may not be the ideal thing to do - there are times when you have to be careful and stroke the male ego, easpecially if you are the spouse and doing better.

Hope that helps.

Whatever it is, smile/laugh and make the situation light and focus on your pregnancy - talk about how great a father you think your husband will be. You can actually try saying this to someone when he is around, but he thinks that you do not know he is around.

Wishing you health and happiness!

Good luck and God Bless! hello replied. hi dear


oh, dear we can understand what u r going through. please , as AV said we all r humans evrybody makes mistakes. don't cry for that.
but what we CAN DO IS WE CAN CORRECT OUR MISTAKES AND LATER WE CAN AVOID THAT AND LEARN LESSONS FROM OUR MISTAKES. OK.

from what u r written, the man u married is not a better partner for u. i don't know why u r thnking u cannopt leave hm? but if u have one single reason and chance to leave him, U SHOULD LEAVE HIM. because i don't thnk he is doing anything good for u and ur child.
also as AV said, once ur kid is born, he'll try to control u and ur baby and will make ur life more complicated. so THINK AND ACT WHEN U R MORE CAPABLE OF DONG THAT.

u r earning, also ur parents, they'll accept once they came to know about the situation i think. u should thnk about that.
i know saying os easy for us, and u r the one who s going through all this. but dear Kavya, u deserve a better life and ur kid. AND U CAN DO THAT NOW. be a strong girl. sommetimes life is like this. but whatever it is karma or not, u know, we can change that. IT IS OUR WILL. that is why GOD gave so many optiond in life. like in ur case u have the JOB. so u r financially independent smart girl.
so dear friend, DON'T SIT AND CRY. OK. STOP WEEPING. THINK AND ACT. BE A SMART STRONG GIRL. UR LIFE IS IN UR HANDS. U CAN CORRECT IT. THINK. U KNOW, AFTER A BABY, LIFE WILL BECOME MORE COMPLICATED. THERE, U NEED A GOOD HUSBAND, GOOD FATHER. NOT SOMEBODY WHO IS TORTURING U AND UR BABY ALWAYS.

so dear friend do something now, for which u'll bw happier later. ur kid will grow into a happy healthy and wonderful person. think which is better for both u and ur kid. TAKE A GOOD DECISION NOW.
sv replied. Hi Kavya

I have no doubt in my mind about U leaving this guy.... the reasons being:

- He does not seem like the person who needs a second chance.... but coz of ur baby u can talk to him and give him a second chance....

- U r in 2006 lady.... why is ur mind still in the time when we were not even born... ????? if this guy does not respect u or love.... there is no point in sticking with him....

- This is when physical abuse happens... U r giving him the idea for abuse.... Stop it right now.... U r a well educated lady.... u meet soo many people ... U work.... u earn money... can't u stand on ur own legs and face the world ... why r u still hanging on to him... he is not worth it...

- we all do mistakes.... we all r humans we do mistakes..... the right and human thing to do when u know u have made a mistake is to correct it... if u cannot then get away from it... so do not think about what others will think... coz the others r not there when ur husband is abusing u... the other will not come and save u from him.... people will talk coz everybody have a mouth... and it does not stop at anything....

- I am furious with u for sticking with this guy.... I mean this guy will not keep u happy..... I can see it from U writing... why can't u see it,...

- Don't u respect and love urself.... if u respect and love ur self.... u will not go thru all of this.... coz god has not brought u to this world to be hit or abused.... we all r humans... u r not an animal... I mean we have organisations who protect even abused animals.... come on... I understand if were not eudcated pr working.... but gad has given u good education, good job... con't u live by urself.... why do u want to go to ur parents..... parents will be angry for sometime... but once they see ur kid they will be fine.... keep a maid to help u to take care of the home and put ur baby in a nice day care....

- I cannot believe u r trying to kill ur self for this no good guy u r married to.... he is not the only guy on this earth.....

_ My advice...move out of the house before he tries to hurt ur baby... that is something no one can tolerate... do not bring up ur kid in this kind of environment... ur baby deserves a better,,, which U cna definitely give... so leave now for ur baby's sake... and concentrate on ur baby for now.... coz once the baby is born... an if ur husband lives with u... he will go to any measure to keep u and the baby under his control....

- Stop weeping and thinking of Karma... nowadays Karma is in ur hands... u ur self r doing this to u and ur baby... so stop it... fight back with ur hubby... get a lawyer.. and get all the help u can... be strong.... if u ur self do not have courage what will u kid do when she/he is born... it is not the kids fault to be born.....the kid is innocent... so its ur duty to keep ur kid safe, healthy and happy...

Trying to kill ur self is not the solution.... I mean how can U think of such a thing.... taking life and giving life is not in ur hands....

U r talking like how my grandmom will talk if she had a bad marriage....

COme on.... wake up look around U.... there r sooo many opportunities for today's women to fight their bad husbands..... and give a good life to their babies.....

Stop thinking of ur hubby... and start thinking of ur baby......

Am really upset that u r taking abuse and still with ur hubby... am sorry if my words hurt u.. nothing personal... but I want u to wake up and look around U.... forget about what others think.... do it for urself and ur baby....plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I sincere advice to U..... plz do read this and talk to more people... and come a good decision.... for u and ur baby....

I hope my advice and suggestions help u to think like today's woman.... HBT replied. Dear Kavya,

I am sad that you found yourself in this situation.

If you are confident of managing your finance by your own salary, including your impending delivery and a small child and his/her care, you should threat him of separation and actually leave him by the time you go into labor.

Lack of love in a mariage may be ok, but not violence, NO WAY. Threat him with the new law against domestic violence. Talk to a lawyer. Do not take abuse lying down. I guess you do have reasonable net access, search and read on abuse in marriage. Learn, discuss, understand and act.

Is the abuse daily? Are you also sexualy abused? Do not allow that anymore, if not for yours at least for your unborn child's sake. Stand up against violence, call the police or women help line in your city.

I am sure as your delivery approaches your parents would get back. Try and establish contacts with your parental home, if not directly with parents, through siblings or friends of yours who could speak to your parents. You need friends and some minimal local support.

Take care and DO keep posting. I am eager to listen to you. SANGINI replied. Hi Kavya, felt really painful after reading your post, you seem to be an intellegent women, but when something has to go wrong we loose all our thinking power, All the facts were in front of you how you got ajob for him before marriage you knew what type of person he is and you still married him agianst your parents wishes, ok Kavya now what you need to is see we all in thforum can juts advice its you who is in the situation.. my freind it seems your husband has no respect for women and specially his wife, he is not affectionate about you and as you said he slapped on your stomach when u r carrying shows he is not really concerned about the baby.. Are you still working if so then haf of your probelms will be solved, why don't you sit an take an account of your Marriage and think what u got and what i lost, talk to your husband one last time and tell him if he wants to continue you noth should work on the marriage or esle you will leave him, i think its always better to be in NO MARRIAGE than be in BAD ONE, what are you getting from this suffering and sacrfice its useless, think if you move out from here you can start life a fresh i know for me to write is easy for you to do it is very tough there will be many hurdles emotional and abusive and you will have to think where will u leave ur child when ur in the office, and don't worry once you will be out of here your parents might support you after some time and moreover there will be agitation from relatives cut-off and some people will blame u but i think it will be still worth it after your child will be born may be your husband can be abbusive to him/her would you like your child to be raised in an environment like this and moreover your parents will support you after sometime believe parents are always there for children it we who are not able to undersatnd there affection and after sapeartion people might find you vulnerable but you ahve to be a tough lady

I have a friend whose mother saperated from her husband just in 1 or 2 yrs of marriage her mother was a teacher and then a principal in the sachool lived all her life in pride and respect, believe the most confident and intellegent in our group was that girl.
so all the best just take charge of your life you already have given in him lot of cahnces by sacrificing but now give him one last chance talk to him no cahnge and if he casually agrees for saperation that means this is what he was looking for than there is meaning to stay in a realtionship like this atleast you will know where u stand n life..
take care all the best kepp posted i hope after you talk to your husband there is an imense change in him and things get better..