Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Ladies,
I'm a married man from last 7 years, I happened to get reference about indiaparenting recently through a friend of mine, I thought i'll put my story and expect few replies

Ours was an arranged marriage, we liked each other and got married after our parents initiated the proposal. After marriage things were going smoothly till the time we started to getting to know each other really well, like our tastes really din't match at all, I'm a music lover to the core and she turns off music when i play it while we are travelling, she prefers to talk. I like her to wear western outfits and casuals, which she doesn;t saying they won;t match her figure. I'm totally a peace lover doesn't like to fight or use harsh words, where as she is really ready to argue and fight and ends up crying and puts all the blame on me. I have given her a comfartble life with no qualms and she still says I don't care of her. we have patched up soo many times, but still sometimes we have big arguements, like she hates me talking to any other women, she thinks i'm cheating her which i'm not and also she thinks that i always take care of myself and not her. infact her friends and relatives envy her but still she acts with me in way that she has married a use less guy. she is too sweet sometimes and she is horrible often, Don't know how i should control her bad temper, it is taking a toll on my performance, no one to really confide, soo i'm putting forth with you all pls advice.thanks in advance, don't feel i'm complaining heavily.
hubby Meethi replied. I agree totally with what 'sv' has suggested in a wonderful,detailed reply. I would like to add up here that for women, 'intimacy' is VERY important and plays a key role in her mind to determine her bond with her man! So make it sure to show her little gestures of love by an unexpected hug, or a sweet kiss on her cheeks or behind her earlobes or a praise for her lovely dress , or some good words for a wonderful meal she cooked for you etc. These little romantic gestures will certainly make her confident that you are still very much 'into' her ! These things will automatically draw her close to you.
Material comforts hardly matter anything if you don't envelope them in your love,affection,care and concern.
Secondly, find out her intellectual interests and try to get her involved into at least one of them...such as dancing,painting, stitching, designing, writing, reading, pottery, etc. whatever it may be ! Intelligently active women feel much more of self-worth and self esteem and 'feeling beautiful' will come from within her own self....you won't need to keep saying that to her! Yes, but don't forget to show your support and genuine interest in whatever she chooses to do !!!
Best wishes and years of happy married life to you. sv replied. Hi,

Good to know that U want to talk ur worries and not just stop at worrying... I think this is the first move to rectifying some error in ur marriage...

Let me tell U one thing all marriages as far as I know we all married couples do have problems, misunderstanding, lack of communication... loss of interest, u think ur spouse does not love u, ur spouse does not pay attention etc.... it happens....

First of all... once we cross a certain number of years in marriage... many of us just get really comfortable in our relationship and take things for granted... it is difficult to always pay attention and always talking out ur worries... sometimes things just go wrong....

My advice to U are:

- Talk to ur wife... if u feel U cannot talk write it down and let her read it when u r at work.... coz no one can solve this problem but u and ur wife....

- if u feel u cannot listen to her worries.... ask her to write it and maybe even u can write down ur worries on daily basis..and put it in a box.... keep a box just for this and then end of day both of u can sit down and talk about it and clear out all ur misunderstanding.....

- If u feel ur wife is not a music lover.. maybe u both can work it out... like ask her what kind of music she likes... definitely she will have some kind of favourite music... then try to play both kind of music..... or maybe u both can have an understanding that half the way u both can talk and the other half u both can listen ur music... if u do not like something do not instantly show ur anger on her.... try to work it out like a game... tell her if she let u listen to ur fav music half the way then the other half way u both can talk..... I mean she is not a baby .... so definitely u can express ur felling in a nice way and make a deal.

- I think a woman is entitled to her own liking when it comes to dressing... U should understand that she too has liking and she tooo wants to live her life. maybe some specific days u can ask her to wear modern clothes and the other days she can wear the clothes she wants....

- Let me tell U that just by providing a good house, comfortable life... will not make a wife happy... all women feel really happy when they get attention, love from their hubby...maybe some days.. u can buy flowers.... some days chocolate.. its not the material things that wife r found of but the thought that the hubby remembered her and bought a gift out of love.... call her sometimes in a day just to say u love her and appreciate all that she does for u and ur kids etc....

- If ur wife is arguing then definitely she feels she is not getting enough of ur love and attention.... do not let the fight go untill she cries...... ask her to calm down and talk.... and that u r listening... she will definitely talk to U... I mean U r her hubby who else will she want to talk to at that time.....

-If she says \" u don't care\" it means either u r spending too much time in the office... or that u r not sitting down with her and just listening to what she has to say..... it means u r tooo busy to spend time with ur wife... if u r spending time... maybe she wants more time with U alone.... she is the only person who can clarify it...

- All women r very possesive about their hubby.... maybe u can try to give her more confidence... involve her in all ur office friends outings... or include her in ur office friends, clients etc circle.... even if u feel she has nothing to do with it.... she will feel that u r keeping her by ur side at all times... and she is definitely a part of ur life... keep assuring her that they all r ur friends and she is ur wife.... maybe she feels this way coz u never include her when u talk to women.. she feels left out and her insecurities r giving her bad thoughts.... keep her in the loop in all ur acivities.....

- controling a bad temper... my advice to U... when she looses her temper... U try to take control and ask her to calm down... do not converse when either of u r upset.... coz when either of U r upset.... ur anger will take over and u will not know what u r talking and later when u repent it will be really late... so when u start asking her to first calm down.... maybe after some days when she sees u r angry she will ask u to calm down first and maybe talk after u both r calm.....

Marriage is a like two way road..... there has to be a path for both of u and at the same next to each other... and when u feel u both are coming on the opposite direction then stop right there and talk and clarify it then and there instead of keeping it and banging on to each other. Quiting might seem the right thing at that time but.... on the long run.... u will repent it.... coz again u r going to marry another women and ultimately down the road after some years u will again have problems and then u r back on square one... so work it out thats the secret recipe to a great marriage..

I hope my suggestions r good enough to help u from being a worried hubby to a understanding, approachable and loving hubby...

.... replied. if you end up arguing each time you talk, why don't you write up something to her, smilar to what you did here. i.e here's a list of things, you /she/your comments -- music /talk/ can't we find a common ground -- 1/2 talk, 1/2 music.
this will help her see things the way you see it. plus, and effort from you to make it better for you two. importantly, don't blame her, make it objective -- conflicts/resolutions/discussion. also, if you give her something in wiriting and walk away, it will give her time to really digest, instead of reacting and defending herself. also, before she reads it, tell her that you love her and to keep that in mind.
good luck