Relationships  Discussion Forum

I had a love marriage where my MIL never liked me I tried my best for past two years to get her love as I always lacked the same as my mother and father expired when i was very young.But I dont know she always wants to prove me wrong and shouts at me for no reason in front of everyone.Now i have given birth to a son she is still not happy.I have to continue working as I have taken some loan and whatever my husband earns goes to my in-laws.I have never asked for anything and pay for all the expences of my husband, myself and now my son.My problem is my MIL is not ready to take care of my son she says if i keep a maid at home the maid will steal things and run away.Now i have to stay with my Uncle/Aunty who is very nice and take care of my child for the whole day.But my MIL always talks against to all her relatives and ill treats them when ever they come home.As a result I have to stay away from my husband for the whole week we can only meet on weekends.My son is deprived of him fathers love and my husband is also upset as he cannot be with his son.My FIL also listens to my MIL. I do not know what to do how long can i depend on my Uncle and if I leave my Job i will have to beg for money from my MIL. Please suggest what should i do I dont want to tell my husband to live seperately as i dont want to take away a son from his parents.

DIL replied. Few things that you have to be clear about.
1> You cannot make someone love you. If your MIL still doesnt love you after 2 years its never going to happen.
2> IF your MIL is the kind that she wont take care of the grandson she neevr will. So have another plan for yourself.
3> If your Husband has not done anything about this yet chances are that he never will on his own. So you have to let him know and be a stronge force than your MIL to make him choose between you/your son and MIL.
4> You have to understand that standing what whats right does not mean that you are being Mean or Cruel. This is the matter of Self respect. Dont let anyone walk all over you. Be nice but not at the expense of letting anyone exploiting you and your family.

You cannot anyone separate or split your family. Its the most important of all. You, your husband and son come above everything else and there is no damn reason why you shouldn't be living together.

Your husband has to take responsibility of your family first, in the sense that he make sure that your kid gets a good education, good house clothing etc FIRST.

sangini replied. Sorry about what u are going throudh i think your husband need to wakeup rather than feeling bad he is not a kid he is rtesponsible father now he should realise as much his parents need him so is you and your son needs him its a pity that he is not able to realise the worth of being a father tell him to be a man stand up for his family and all the money going to his parents what is this he is just to sit and watch there what is he is he a puppet sorry to say all this and one more thing tell me one thing how long will you depend on your uncle and aunty after all they are being nice and doing obligation soon they will be tired why do you want to do this be on their mercy my dear its time you discuss things with your husband and ask him to share the responsibilty and if he still wants to be mama's boy i think you should give him a setback so that he can realise the worth of you... please SK you are working also ...
he will feel insecure may be things get better but believe me itis better to be on one side rather than spend all your life in the middle of the water..

all th best.. trs replied. I felt really bad for you,this is definitely not a healthy situation to be in for your immediate family, ie:you,hubby and baby, find some inner strength and talk to your husband. and Learn to stand up for yourself. Hire a maid if you have to, and keep working! Let the lazy MIL take care of the baby for a change, I fail to understand how she is \" not ready\" to take care of her own grandson. I am sure she had had experience in this..they certainly think that they know everything else in this world.
These days, saas bahu nataks don't work Lady. Somedays, we have to stop being the \" ideal\" bahu and stand up for what we believe in and not dance to other people's tunes.
God Bless,Trs sa replied. As Ritika mentioned why do u think that you are seperating a son from his parents?just think for a while if they have thought the same they would'nt have left you kid to be with your uncle/aunt..Your MIL should have taken care of your son.THEY ARE OK WITH SEPERATING YOUR KID FROM HIS FATHER FOR THE WHOLE WEEK RIGHT?
If some one is not bothered about you why do u relly care for them?
If your husband is strong enough to see what is good and what is not then he can talk openly to his mom..As someone has previously mentioned,he seems to be a mamma's boy.If he is really upset over this issue he could have taken some acion ..Have a talk with your husband and dont suggest him what he should do ,but ask him what is the remedy for being a single family where your son needs both of your attention..
Dont leave your job...it is the only security for u.As your hubby is also not that much supportive,carry on with the job.
You both should talk over this matter and take a decission.
GOOD LUCK.... pooja replied. ur husband needs to take a stand here. i am sure he loves his mom but he needs to learn to maintain a balance. you should talk to him and ask him to put his foot down when it comes to issues that specially affects ur son Ritika replied. Why do you feel that if you and your husband live separately, you are separating a son from his parents???

If you live away from your aunt/uncle are you emotionally away from them?

When children grow up and have their own families, it is usually best for everybody to live in separate family units to maintain peace and love amongst everyone.

If your husband was in a transferrable job and was transferred to another city, would he not move? Would he leave his job because he did not want to be separated from his parents??

Part of the problem is that your husband is still in the child mode...because he has never been away from his parents, he finds it hard to act like a grown up with them. Otherwise he would have stood upto them for you and asked them not to insult your aunt/uncle specially when they are taking care of his son all day long.

This whole thing is totally upto you. Your MIL's behhavior is NOT going to change. Leaving your job will make you more open to her abusive behavior and control, so that's not a good option. In fact staying with her along with your baby is also not a good idea because as the baby grows up, he'll learn some of the traits of his grandmother whom he will see everyday. Do you really want that?

I would suggest talking to your husband about it and stay in a separate house (maybe near your aunt's place so that they can still take care of your kid)..you can always go and visit your MIL when you want...but you will not be at her beck and call... someone replied. Dear SK,

You have not mentioned about the position taken by your husband on the issue, except that he too is upset. Unless he is strong enough and also understands that his mother is not so right and takes a position which is right for his, his wife's and his son's best interest, your sufferings will continue. So you have only one point agenda! Make him see the right reasons, do not tell him what he should do, but let him realize that his mother needs to relent.

One important suggestion. DO NOT leave your job. You may loose whatever handle you have right now. Your job gives you the liberty from your MIL during the day time and also the financial power, to live separately when you need/have to. Without your job, she will make your life further miserable.

At the weekend, instead of you going to your husbands place every time, ask him to come over sometimes to stay at your uncle's! Check out the reaction of people!

The bottom line is, you have to strengthen the character of your husband! He appears to be a mama's boy!