Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,
I am married for 7 yrs with 2 kids. mIne was love marriage my husband's family had very strong opposition and they even continued for upto 2 yrs after our marriage. They didnt even bother to see their son whether he was alive or dead. My family was supportive but not happy i guess they gave up on me. We had very bad time in earlier days of marriage we didnt even have enoguh money to survive. We literaly started from scratch. My hubby is a Software eng. i always knew we will pass this phase and get settled one day which we did. now we own a house car eveything which is required for luxury life. But now suddenly my MIL is become very very caring towards my husband. we did patch up after 3 yrs of my marriage when i was pregnant with my first child. But i am very strong and mu fat kind so they stayed away not bothering me much we just met occasionally on festivals etc.I realised that my mil is very caring in front of my hubby and when he is not aorund she takes different roop. but since i used to be ther at their place only for 2 hrs max i never messed things up. But during my 2nd delivery my hubby bought her at my place for taking care intension inspite of my telling him he did it as he had travel abroad for a month and was worried i allowed with good intention of bonding. BUt no she started talking shit with my neighbours and i had lot of prob i did not utter a word in front of her but told to my hubby. he wanted me to adjust and allow her to stay at my place i dont have fil. but i refused after what had happened now hubby is taken a step that he wont contact his mom again in future and that he does not want to keep any relations with her. I sometimes feel bad i never stopped him from meeting her or going to his mom's place but only this instance has put everything on my back i have a feeling i broke his mom from him which is not the case. for 5 yrs i have been on my own solving my problems without anyones; guidance when i needed someone ther was no one i feel that since now everything is very very happy at my home this things are done purposefully. i am really confused. i have a very storng guilty feeling. i love my husband so does he but this one topic has made our life hell its been 2 months he has not called his mom or met. she called up n number of times but he did not respond. one day she even came home to find out what happened but my hubby just did not talk a word to her. she asked me whats worng i said i dont know and she was so furious but did not react i cud just know . pl. guide me bhavana replied. First thing you really don't have to be guilty in this whole thing.Yeah whatever you are facing with your mil is real,this is a normal mil problem faced by everyone.
You don't have to feel guilty regarding the mil and your husband issue at all,but you can do one thing.
When your hubby is in a good mood let it be known to him that you have no problem with his continuing his relations with his mom,let him visit her and let him maintain his contacts with her,but also let him know that you wouldn't want any problems with her and that if you have to maintain or keep your relation with her intact ,you would have to keep a little distance also so that you won't have to spoil the relation later.
Tell him calmly as to why you feel uncomfortable with your mil,tell him its not to instigate him,but since your mil is a little hostile towards you ,tell him how you feel.
Ask him to continue his relations with his mom,and also let him visit her,but ask him not to force you to visit her till you feel confident and comfortable with her.Also give him examples and ask him how to handle such situations with his mom,and follow the same inspite of that if she does not change your hubby will notice the indifference and maybe help you out.Assure him that you will also try everything possible to adjust but beyond a certain limit it may not be possible,because it might again bring on fights between the two of you and you would not want that.
It is important that your hubby knows what you are going through,don't fight with him because he has also been away from his mother for sometime and being a mother yourself you would surely know the feeling.
Tell him in the beginning itself that you only want to talk and not fight and you would also want him to listen calmly and that you need his help too.Tell him you feel bad that he does not maintain his relations with his mom.
My basic point is you have to communicate with your husband just the way you spoke here on this forum,it is all a matter of communication.There may be fights or arguments but that is all part of life,take it in your stride and don't get stressed about all this.
I am sure once you speak your mind and heart to your hubby he will understand you much better.You seem to be a kind person.All the best and work things out with your hubby.
desi replied. hi,
i know in your bad times your in laws was not here to help u.but there is no reason for your husband to break relation with his mother.mother is mother there is no defination of mother whether she is good or bad.and u being gultiy there is only one reason for it cause u r a mother too. u know what it feels like.make your husband understand this. pgp replied. trying to come inbetween mom & son is really bad as far as I could say...But your intention was not that!.You did not plan and separate the son from the mother.But is natural for you to feel guilty because you initiated your husband to break relationship with his mom..
All you can do here is tell your husband that you actually feel bad for kind of having come inbetween him & his mom.Let him know that you feel bad..that is the only thing that you can do here....Goodluck.