Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi All,

I am suffering from domestic violence from hubby.live in bangalore.am educated.working.have a 9 month old baby.inlaws r useless.parents live far away.cant go back to them.baby is small.
donot wish to cope up with the beatings and abusing anymore.need friends with whom i can share.i have had enough of it and now i wish to
either get it stopped forever or commit suicide or call marriage a quit.
dont know what to do and where to start from.
need advise please.... in need replied. Thanks to all who have found time to write in and help me.
It has been very very supportive for me.
I have decided that this is the last time.
If it repeats, I will call it a quit
and by then, I need to make some arrangements for myself.As in, where I will go and what I will do.
......

thanks once again. sim replied. Hi 'in need'! here is one solution ,dear!
Actually u can give a try to this drama. Whenever he seem to be angry just become over raised and scold him just like anything (get courage,try for it and u can get it) .Jsut start scolding in high tone and say blah blah meaning less while keeping ur eyes soemhow crooked and terrific. Pl listen completely.

Then he might wonder y u r beocming crazy..Dont stop acting like PAGAL yes, u heard right! act as if ur bp has rised and u r going to faint...He'll definitely feel mystary and stop himself...suddenly after few mins sitdown and calm and if still coems to u cry alot...when he gets down his anger then say him sorry and tell himthat..I need to visit Dr. ,I'm losing my sences when got angry...so and so... \";
TO make it more believable , break some thing or throw the things u have in ur hand and believe me , it makes him to rethink.

If not that, pinch ur baby (not cruel idea, dear...it might seem so, but make her to cry)while he raising on to anger and when ur baby starts to cry .atleast he would stop for her sake.If he has some humanity left in his heart ,he would stop by then. let her cry ,but I know this is little bad idea. but pinch only in a way she shdn't feel pain .try for it ,dear.


If nothing works out, I suggest you to just find ur own way...Because with all these happening ur precious baby might be affected and that tender one doesnt understand anything but feel scared .
So,u shd manage things with ur baby as a good mother.he never change . by the time he gets to realse and change, ur baby might loose her precious beautifiul ,protected childhood.
So take wise decision, dear. may god bless u with happiness always. in need replied. First of all...I did not put a smiley face to confuse anybody.
I put it because I feel whatever the situation in our lives be...we should still try and smile.This smile is for those of you who have taken out time from their very busy life to write to me.Its definetely not to confuse anyone!

Bhavana,Thanks a ton for your message.
Replies:
We donot stay with our inlaws but they know about this.They donot abuse me physically.They are away in Mumbai and we both with our baby are in bangalore.He had started things like pushing,banging me against the wall,twisting and turning my hand etc 2 months after marriage.
My husband had hit me bad last year when I was carrying.I was in 5th Month then.I had left home then to communicate that if you need me and my baby, you will have to stop this nonsense forever.Then I went home for my delivery .We were away for 3 months +
I returned back to Bangalore when my baby was 2 months,Things were very fine for 2 months but then again they started worsening.
Hubby Loves me...Ours is an inter religion marriage.
His mom is very dominating and he loves her immensely.His parents had a very unhappy marriage and his mom had left his dad and inlaws and started separate for several years .bought her own house and finally FIL had to leave his family and stay with my MIL and husband and SIL.Perhaps the reason for all this is his lots of anger for his father and his family which he could not vent out on them.My MIL has filled him completely against his father and fathers family.Another reason is that he wishes to stay with my MIL in mumbai but i did not agree for it because of cultural issues,pressures , bad behavior from inlaws and his nature of never never never being by my side as far as his family and friends go.Due to cultural pressures I feel I would not be able to bring up my baby well.she will get confused...The relation between my MIL and FIL is like two dogs fighting all the time.I mean it is so unhappy and negative.Then there are his host of mom's relatives who are again there to control,command and pressurize.
These maybe the two reasons for his anger fits.
But i have told him that he can get his parents to bangalore and they can stay with us when they retire.so that should have solved his problem...
Both his family and my family know about this.Few friends know too.
but infront of them he has proved me a liar several several times.he lies to cover up his mistakes all the time.
I cannot goto my family because of lots and lots of social issues.It will make them unhappy...
Ours is a Arrange marriage BTW>
I have separate bank acount.I work...struggle lots between work and home as baby is small and I have no family support ....But thats how it is.

My hubby is a 90+ Kg huge person....the hits r very painful...when he hits and abuses, I try to give it back.I donot silently just get beaten and thats again something he can't take.

I am a Manager in an MNC...I laugh at my plight.Will anyone believe I am going through this?Highly qualified ,good family homely girl...
goes through this shit!!!

Thanks a ton for finding time to read in... sim replied. I too found something strang 'bout happy face and couldn't read fullly...
Sorry 'in need' ..plz care to keep suitable symbol.Its jsut suggestion, if not, it would lead to doubts and might feel fake problem. Puzzled replied. It is strange of you having a very 'happy smilie' in your message while you are talking about domestic violence that you are experiencing?.. bhavana replied. First of all I know it might be irritating in this circumstance but just don't panic.Stop all negative thoughts.There is nothing in this world that cannot be solved.You will also get immense help from lots of friends out here.
First abuse of any kind in a marrigae is just so wrong and the victim should not have to take any kind of abuse and alongwith that physical torture is a BIG NO NO.
1.How long have you been married ????
2.How long has the abuse been going on ??

If the abuse has gone beyond repair and your in-laws also participate silently or otherwise ,it is imprtant for you to take the ultimate decision of moving away with your kid and then checking yourself in the hospital for proper check up and cure,and in case of violence also if you need lodge a complaint so that your kid is not taken away from you.
This is in case of last resort.But you have to listen hear ok dear,if you get even the slightest feeling that you can't make it with your husband just don't think but act and move as quickly as possible.
Now the other part,If you feel that there is still hope in this marriage and moving away from him for few months might get him thinking about what he has done and if you feel that you want to give your marriage another chance then the few months away from him might help you .
Now some other questions
3.How did this start????
4.Do your in-laws also abuse you???
5.Do you have your own account??
6.Do you have any friend who is aware of this situation and with whom you can stay till you can go to your parents.???
7.Do your parents know about this??

I read your message once again and saw that you are working and if in case your husband has access to your account then you have to make a withdrawal of you amount immd (in case you want to call it quits) or make another account and transfer it there.
Please don't take the abuse anymore for the sake of your child.your baby and you deserve to be happy ,the abuse is not only on you but your baby is also getting abused mentally.
You have to make the ultimate decision dear.
And do it fast.Even if you move away you can still take time to know what you want and then work things out.If you could try for a job elsewhere now is a good time.

All the best and hope and pray that you are able to make the right choice for your future and your happiness.My prayers are with you.