Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have been married for 1 yr now . I am an educated, good looking & good mannered girl.After marriage i faced lots of problems . Since day one my husband compared me with another woman who is in their close relations. Before marriage i used to think that i am the best but after marriage i was forced to think that i am the person who doesn't know anything..& Slowly slowly i lost my whole confidence...

i had told him number of times that i don't like myself to be compared with anyone but instead of taking in the right way he thinks i am jealous of that lady.

I always tried to make his favourite dishes, behaving the way he wants me to, trying to please him. But nothing changed

Tell me friends what to do in the above situation? If you would have been at my place what you would have done?


Mehek replied. It is really sad to hear when husbands compare their wives. It is so common and I think appalling behaviour.

I had a colleague who used to tell me that her husband compared her to any woman. She was such a confident woman but gradually her self esteem went rock bottom because usually we seek appreciation and recognition from our loved ones e.g. 'husband.' Her emotional abuse went to an extent where she went into severe depression and had to seek medical help.

I don't know what happened to her because we moved states and she quit the job. All I can say is that any human being that makes someone else feel inferior does not genuinely love them or respect them. Sunshine replied. Hi Amirta & others,
I've been mostly a quiet reader on this board. I read your problems and queries and find an echo.. I think women everywhere go through almost the same thing..
All I can tell you is well, we've been there and done that..
I have to agree with Tony S. Believe me, even I tried to the same things, I tried from day one of my engagement to be someone I thought my hubby wants.. but nothing pleased him.
Since the last two years I have come to one conclusion. You cannot please everyone. So stop. Your hubby married you for who u are, if he cannot handle that, too bad. Just be yourself. Compromise is ok. Making his favorite dishes, wearing colours he likes, going to places he likes is also fine. But also do things that YOU like. Make time for yourself. Be with friends who make u feel like yourself, and sweetie, u'll keep yourself intact.
There is beautiful quote of Helen Keller which I keep with myself. \";I must conquer my loneliness alone, I must be happy with myself or I have nothing to offer. Two halves have little choice but to join and yes, they do make a whole. But two wholes when they coincide, that is beauty... that is love..\";
The idea is to make yourself complete! till u don't feel like yourself, and who u want to be, u will not be happy! and when u'r not happy, there only less of yourself to give to people you love!
Wish u lots of love n' luck!
Take care,
Sunshine deeps replied. yep i have experienced the same situation like urs. My hubby used to compare me with his friends wives and ask me to be like them, even after i asked him not to compare me with them he continued .. so later i started comparing him with his friends .. he had to shut up at this point... and through all this i did not try to change my ways i remained who i was before marriage.... i m stubborn kind of female... even to this day i think he wants me to be like them but i asked him is he ready to change for me.. he did not have an answer... ... just be yourself and even before trying to please him i thought if i change one of my behaviour he will ask for the second then third... it would be lifelong one then Tony S replied. Dear Amrita,
I can understand how u feel. Even I went thru the same thing. Now we are married for 9 yrs. Initially i tried to please him by saying things he would like to hear doing and wearing what he likes etc. Then also he was not happy. After about 3 or 4 years I decided enough is enough I have to be me. If he accepts, good for him, if he does not, it is his problem. Believe me, u be what is very natural to u. Also ask him how he would feel if u also start comparing him with someone, say for eg. some movie star or someone whom u admire. Tell him genuinely, softly but firmly. And be yourself, dont try to be the woman he wants u to be. Just make him understand that as u have accepted him the way he is he also has to accept u the way u are. But of course, do prepare his fav dishes, wear his fav colours etc. But dont go out of your way to change yourself, because u will lose your identity and take my word he will misbehave with u all the more if that ever happens. So u r a nice girl, just tactfully make him know about the comparison problem. All the best.