Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi all,
It's me again.
I am here today with a very different problem.I am hoping that you will help me.The problem with me is low confidence and self-esteem.I have almost everything by God's grace that should help me be a confident and well-spoken young woman.To count some of them,I am young,good-looking,belong to a very educated and well-t-do family,i have a good,loving husband who is also very educated,ok...bad in-laws but then who doesn't,i can speak good english and hindi and have been convent educated in a big city like Mumbai. do not have a bachelors degree yet but am working on it.Also i have never worked uptil now.
Now i donno why the hell am i so low on confidence inspite of everything.Whenever i meet a more rich,educated or beautiful person i lose all my confidence.In fact at first glance people are easily impressed by me as i appear to have a great personality but very soon i am just a showpiece who has nothing much to say or rather nothing interesting to speak about.I have absolutely no sense of humour and even if it does pop up at times i do not have the courage to share the joke.I mean i find it so diffivult to just talk even when there are more than 2 people around.I know that i have always been like that all my life.My dad tried in vain to instill a good personality in me.I do not know why this has happened.After awhile in my company even the most palin looking person appears more confident and beautiful compared to me.
I do not have much general knowledge also and even when i do know about something i think 10 times before speaking in front of others and by the time i have decided to say soemthing the time has passed and ppl have moved on to a different topic.My MIL once even made fun of me by saying oh she just sits and smiles that's all.What hurts is that i am better in so many ways than many of these people and yet it's them who steal the show...always.When i am with ppl that lower my confidence i feel even more shitty and get really quite.
I never have the right things to say at the right time and it gets so frustrating at times.
Please help me with this issue my friends.
Do you know anyone that had such issues and overcame them?Are there any tips that really work?
Just yesterday there was a family gatherng with my family and one couple.Juts that one couple was extra and meeting me for the 1st time.
I was fine at first but slowly lost all my confidence and slowed down and kept quite all evening.The girl was showing her smartness by generally talking here and there about issues,she had some GQ about things and also was able to talk loud and clear but overall she was alright not very smart but compared to her i looked so dumb coz i just kept quite and did not utter a word and all i said was yes no or something that someone else has said.My hubby tells me i should give my opinion on things instead of just going with the flow but i can never gather courage.I felt shitty later.
Also i have always led a sheltered and reserved life,never mingled around much,never seen work life and always stayed at home,so i do not have too many experiences to share like other women.Actually all this is just getting to me.I donno how to improve and how to make a diffenrence.After 5 minutes with me people start taking me less seriously and will not even bother to look at me while they talk or listen to me as soon as i speak something.I guess i just come across as a dumb person.
I need help.Please advice Suggestion replied. Hi Sarika,

I was in a similar situation, but I have improved myself a lot better. I started working here in US and I was least confident in the beginning. I had this grip in my neck called social anxiety always making me nervous in social situations, espeically at work and social gatherings. I always felt that I am inferior and no one would like me.
Inside I am pretty confident in my personality , but when it comes to meeting other people beyond my comfort level, I get nervous and always had this inhibition myself talking to people fear of appearing dumb in front of them.

All you need to do is take a therapy from a person who understand social anxiety very well. Research have been going on in this field recently and there is a permanent cure for this.

This is a website where you can find useful information and some therapy help through audio cassettes.

search for the term 'Social Anxiety Institute' in google and click the first link. I am allowed to enter the url through the post. But that particular site helped me a lot.

I have started my therapy and I am half way through it , and I already started feeling better. Please don't beat yourself up for what your incapabilities are now. Accept your self. In therapy, they teach you how to change your thinking neural pathways by practice and start to think rationally.
They call it ANT(Automatic Negative Thought). They teach you how to eradicate that and also how to mingle with people and start making small talks. It is little expensive to buy the audio tapes and it is well worth it.

Regards,
candoit.
Preeti replied. Hi,

I understand how you feel but really its nothing to stress about. You're shy its okay. I used to be like that too. All you gotta do is brushing up on public speaking skills. Go to the library and get some books on public speaking and how to speak effectively, keep yourself up to date with current events (news,politics and technology advancements..etc...) especially before a gathering. You have general idea what was discussed at the last get together right? Jokes..well there's lots of good books at the library. Body language is most important and believe or not other people pick up on it so even if you're the most confident person yet in a crowd they notice you're timid and shy...it really works against you, of course depending on the circumstances but I'm relating to the ones you have explained. Eye contact is very important and dont fold your arms it tells others not accepting or open to human interaction (body language).

Regards,
Preeti shreya replied. The suggestions were meant for both of you not just Sarika.In my suggestion you might have seen that it is addressed to both of you b'coz even from your post what i feel is that both ur probs are similar and common.
As regards your hubby,my hubby is also just like yours and Sarika's pretty confident,and outspoken.

Now this is esp for you dear.
Why do you compare yourself with your hubby,instead as I said earlier learn tips from him,ok ask him how to make yourself confident ,and he is partly right dear you shud develop a DON\";T CARE attitude.Yep i also used to compare how people react differently with both of us right there itself.You know for ex. just recently i had to go for a party in hubby's office.A copule came upto us the husband came and imm shook my hands the wife so openly in front of my hubby and her hubby smiled and spoke to my hubby and immd turned to me and very angrily or rudely said a hi to me ,my hubby immdiately put his arms around me i mean from back.
Now I looked back as to why she did it,not just this when I asked her where she stays(in which apartments,I am also in U.S)she ignored me and started talking to somebody else.
I looked back,guess what I did ,I have a habit of talking to myself in front of the mirror,and i said a hi to replay that days episode,it just hit me that my hi was so timid and nervous like,(i always imitate my hubby also) I said a hi like how my hubby says(he says a hi but its strong ,with a smile and firm like giving a message to the opp person that don't you ever mess with me or I will bite your head off)
Try and observe your hubby next time you go for a party dear.As I said earlier it doesn't matter whether you are working or not its what you feel about yourself that counts.

And most importantly in your case stop comparing yourself and accept yourself.Try practicing in front of a mirror.
Just a thought ok have you wondered in U.S when they dance why do they do that in front of a mirror its b'coz you can see yorself and others and notice the diff and work on them.
One more oops that happened to me in the same party with the same person I tried to shake hands with her and she did not do it.It was embarrasing.But the next time I am going to the party and I am going to shake hands with her once again just to show her hubby how insulting she is.But I am going to go.

Next time b4 you guys go for a party ,in front of the mirror tell yourself I am going to kick ass today.It might at least make you smile.So you will be starting the evening in very big way.Its ok if by the end of the party you feel your confidence going down,try and try and try till you succeed.
I can be your friend too dear.

And this one for Sarika,i am also from mumbai.

Dinu where are you from????

Dinu have faith in yourself,and stop comparing yourself with your hubby and with every one else,have faith in yourself.And always remember God wouldn't have created us if he never loved us.We are unique and different from each other.
What you can do nobody else can.

Just be yourself and love yourself. shreya replied. Once you get a little leeway in the group stay connected no matter where you are.Always ring them up and talk to them,maybe also thru mail.
Somehow stay connected.Go out with them,maybe shopping,or going out for a movie or just hanging out.
Once you get familiar with the people or your friends you will see how much you start talking.
Hey I can be your friend too.....
Anyway all the best and rule no.1 Don't be tooooo nice,be firm when put down.It will come gradually when you have no other alternative and when you are really tired of being put down you will do it.
just fyi my mil is not an educated ,she is a junior college dropout but the way in which she conducts herself in public and the confidence with which she carries herself can put any model or working woman to shame.
My mother is also a very timid person and also she used to work as a teacher.I am another image of her.Today I am telling her to put her foot down when people trip her down.She is opening up.
Just to let you know it doesn't matter whether you are working or not ,its what you feel about yourself that ultimately matters.
Have faith in yourself

also read your prev post regarding your issues with your mommy,resolve them first.Go to your mommy and ask her what is troubling her,ask her if she hates you,tell her that you won't leave her till you guys resolve the issues.Tell her that you love her and you miss her presence and love.
Tell it in your own way but resolve it. Shreya replied. This sounds just like how I used to be some two yrs back .
Just like you Sarika I too led a very conservative,reserved and an overtly protected childhood that went into my adulthood too.My hubby on the other hand was the exact opposite to me,very much an extrovert and makes friends easily.I could not make friends easily and even now I am not yet very much there.
I think the first thing is feel good about yourself,I think we are overtly critical of ourselves,lots of doubts about what people might think about us if we open our mouths,what if we speak something nonsensical,and others don't feel it funny.
Am I right????
Lets take it one baby step at a time.Why not start going out.
Read newspapers a lot,believe me this is a big tip my hubby gave me.Your GQ will improve on its own,read articles that you like ,causes that you feel strongly about,read books.
If you have a flair for cooking just buy as many books you can buy,read it.Try it.

When I said start going out ,i meant go marketing,maybe with your mil.Believe me you can learn from the best.Then take it on your ownself to buy or go marketing.I have the same mil issues .
When you walk into a room filled with people walk with a good posture,try it in front of a mirror.You will see the difference.Notice how you stand when you are not so confident,you will see your shoulders droop.Walk with that look of know it all.doesn't matter what you know or don't,everybody out there does not know everything.Try talking like say hey whats the latest movie you saw.I know after some time everything comes to a standstill,go to your hubby and see what he is doing then come back and stand with the people you were with.Cooking is a very good topic.But do not reveal too much about yourself in the beginning itself,let yourself be a mystery.

Call people over for dinner,say a couple or two,this way you get to know them and they get to know what a good cook you are.See later they might ask you about the recipe,and there you get the ball rolling.
People can see how you feel about yourself,you look down on yourself and that is something people see,thru your eyes.

Don't be too hard on yourself.Don't look needy,don't try to please people.Accept yourself first,love yourself first and then see how people start loving you.
Even I don't work,but maybe with each others help we may be able to get there.I can also see in Sarika's case that not being able to work is also lowering your self esteem,just like it did and does in my case.In my case I also tried to work for one day and got scared by the rudeness and harshness of the people that I quit my job the very next day,much against the wishes of my hubby.He did not want me to leave my job coz he knew if I had held on longer I would have overcome that.Till date I regret that decision of mine.Though there's nothing much I can do about it.
But that cud have changed my life as my
hubby says.

Sarika ,I think you have a supportive hubby ,from reading your mail,learn from him how he mingles with people.You have the best teacher at home.

To both dinu and Sarika don't try to be nice to people thats where we put ourselves down,if you are upset about something that people said to you ,in a very joking way tell them or joke about their stupidities in a very diplomatic way.

Like I have a friend here she is also not working,she says she is my best friend but she always puts me down in front of a large crowd or tries to humiliate me in front of other friends as if she knows it all and she is always right.
The first thing she commented on me was that hey I notice that shreya you never get angry or you are never rude to people.
And in the corner of the room i saw my hubby shaking his head very upset(like she got you and now she is going to rip your head off darling)
So much so we were a group of 4 couples the first two couples were already very good buddies,we were the newcomers incld this best friend of mine she kind of wanted to be in the group thing but this kind of humiliation led to her downfall,and those people kind of opened up to us.These friends also helped me feel good about myself,after I disclosed about how I don't make much friends ,they told me openly ,that we can see that you don't feel good about yourself.Try to love yourself and accept who you are first .They also told me learn from your hubby tell people to get lost when they act too smart.They asked me to show my anger without speaking on my face.

So what I wanted to let you know is however you are JUST LOVE YOURSELF.Dress up well and smart always look the best in every party and whenever you go out with your hubby.If you don't put on make up do it.There's nothing wrong.If people admire your taste love the limelight.

BE YOURSELF sweeties.Never let people run over you. dinu replied. Sarika,U r not alone dear.As my huby is too proudish and over confident as I described in my previous post ....I am becoming still low .

I'm working ,good looking , post graduate and richer than any other firend.But still whren I see them spend lavishly(I described it in last post) ..I cant help myself feeling inferior .I earn lot some money where as they r not working woman.
Still I loose confedence while speaking to them .I cant speakout strong. Adn always try to be nice and accept whatever they say.My hubby doesnt like me to be humble.

But certainly I cant follow him but at least I wanna improve my self confidence.
I'm really good house keeper but my hubby criticises me in maintaining home at best.I'm feeling low and starting to feel 'FIT FOR NOTHING' (he says it occassionally,But me imposed myself he's correct).

My mom always try to boost me up while describing what I have at best but still I feel low.Pl give me some self confidence !! My hubby says I cant air u all the times to make u feel better.

Know what,When we go vacation ,At my in-laws place ,I feel low in some relatives presence ...while they r from small village and not educated and not much mannered Where as I'm PG ,living in USA and b'tiful.I feel low because I cant do house work as they do.But the thing is ...My hubby says me I can do at best compared to them if I can be confident .
Inferiority complex everywhere!How should I help myself?!! My hubby wants me to be like CARE_NOT. but I cant be like that.I still want to be loving and humble.Except that inferiority...

Plz tell me how to manage myself?! At work, too I feel infeiror if I dont achieve anythuing in anymonth(Though I have good name )

Also, I can achieve anything if I be confidentbut but nowadays started feeling too low with my relatives because my hubby is not nice person in behaviour as they r.

So this is my case...Whta shd I do?!! Here I didnt have probs with this nature of mine.But I want to be high myseldf and confident which adds me grace.
Plz tell me solutions!