Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi everyone,I am in California now visiting my family for my brothers wedding.The girls family is here so my parents and them decided to have the wedding here in USA itself.
I came here with lots of hopes of being happy and stress free for awhile.I was going thro stress and sleepless nights back home and was upset about my in-laws.
Well here i am in under even more stress than before.To give you a brief background about me and my family.I have a loving,sensible and educated family.3 brothers here in USA.Parents live in India.The thing is my mom has always been a little rude,mean and selfish with me.Sometimes it seems like she does not care at all bcoz i am a girl.Especially after my marriage she has been outrageously rude when we meet.That means she is fine during our regular phonecalls when they are in India but she acts crazy when she meets me in person.I have not been the best daughter.I have given them problems when i was a teenager.She and dad have gone thro a lot of stress bcoz of me and even developed bp and in their hearts i am sure they know it's bcoz of me.But now i am 29.A sensible mature woman who wants to bond with her family.My brothers and dad don't seem to hate me for the past.My dad loves me and shows it.But i feel maybe it's this reason and my mum has not yet forgotten the past.Maybe she just blames me too much.The fact that she is all goody on fone and changes when she meets me makes me even think that maybe she is just jealous.I am very goodlooking and have a good life here in USA(that's what she believes bcoz to not give her tension i don't tell her about my problems)She feels very impressed with the life here and secretly even wishes she was here.Could it be this?
To give you a description about what all she says/does to hurt me would take lots of words.In brief i can say she criticizes me,calls me dumb behind me back,sometimes shatters my confidence when i am with family or guests by not answering what i ask or ridiculing what i say or not laughing at something i say when all others are laughing.I mean she just shows her hatred openly at times.She also does not like if my brothers and dad give me importance.She hastes it when i talk about any places that i visited or if i try to show my pics to my dad.
She openly says that i should not have come for the wedding so much in advance.The wedding is after 15 days.She did the same thing last time she visited US. Also when i went to India 2 years back she was like that.In fact she even created misunderstandings between my mom in law and me and would always exaggerate whatever bad my mum in law said making me feel so stressed out.
Friends i donno what to do.I am here to have a good time.She made me cry like anything today and later said i am just too sensitive.My brothers and dad have noticed all this but don't say much.My dad screamed at her yesterday and told her why do behave like that with her.Well all she said was i don't and i love her and she knows it.To that my brother said u cannot talk rudely and then say u love her.
I know she loves me.She never forces me to do anything in the kitchen.She got me dresses for the wedding.She always made nice clothes for me.I know she loves me but why does'nt she show it.My brother even told me in private once after i was hurt by her comment that he thinks she could be jealous of me and my life here.I don't get it.
I have pathetic in-laws and i consider my family as my only family besides my husband.What should i do when i am disappointed with them.
Today i even fought with my brother bcoz of her,i was frustrated and the anger flowed out on him instead.Later i started arguing with hubby on the fone.
Please don't tell me to talk it out with her.It's not possible.Please advice me friends.Please.
Sarika Anju replied. Hi Sarika ! My mom and I are also ina similar situation. We live in two different far away cities and whenever we are part she calls up regularly and whenever I visit Delhi or she visits me at my husband's native place, in anticipation of our meeting, she buys a lot of stuff for me and my kid. But when we are together, we are constantly at loggerhead with her snapping at me at the drop of a hat and finding fault in everything I do. BUT, FOR NOT ONE MOMENT HAVE I SUSPECTED HER OF BEING JEALOUS OF ME. NO, its not possible for a mother to be jealous of her own child. The reason for her behaviour, as I try and reason out is that its only with me she takes out all her negative feelings - whether its fights with my dad or problems with my sis-in-law. My sis-in-law is strange, she is very loving to me but with my mom, she is strangely awful. But in order to maintain peace at home, my mom doesn't say anything to her and never confides in me for fear that I will react. She also doesn't like my taking my dad's side, hence is always snapping at me. I can go on with endless reasons, but the point is that instead of suspecting her of being jealous, try and find the root of the problem and if its just for a short time, try and be patient with her.
All the best and enjoy ur holiday ! dia replied. My simple advice to not to share 'bout ur mom's behaviour with ur hubby.Never ever do it,Even if u trust him ssooomucch.I know from ur previous posts that ur hubbyis loving and undersatnding.Still u dont discuss with him. it makes u leniant .

Friend replied. One more thing:First foremost start sharing ALL your problems with your mom about your inlaws hubby everything with her.After all she is your mom...Noone can give you better solutions than her.You are not burdening her or anything..don't make her a burden to you...
Make her your best friend in life.Don't miss your mom before it is too late. Friend replied. Hi Sarika,
I read your post and let me share my thoughts.They may be right or may not be.
It is true that Moms cannot be jealous of their daughters.
May be your mom feels that you have not thanked her enough or be gratefull to her for what she has done to you..
When you really love a person very much you will expect that person to understand your love.That is true even with \";moms and kids\";.When a mom kisses her baby, knowingly or unknowingly she expects and wants to see that loving smile or look of approval in return for that kiss!
May be your mom did not get enough of that?..after what has happened in your past and as a mom she would have worried about you your life like no other.Now that it is all over may be she never got that full 'thankyou mom' gesture back from you?!.May be...She does not want to ask for it but inside deep expected it but never got it?..may be that is bothering her...
But onething Sarika noone can equal your mom.I have a baby and like Rekha said only when have a baby you will understand how precious your mom is...
For now take it easily..I can guarantee 100% that your mom loves you more than anyone in this world.Dont; listen to anyone saying that she is jealous of you..!..very wrong advice and wrong perception!!.
Enjoy your brothers' wedding.
GoodLuck.
rekha replied. sarika i am mom of 2 yrs old angel. I love her to peak ,i can die for her so was my mom. I am sure mom's cant be jealous of their kids beauty. I am sure ur vvv wrong,i scold or hit my small baby when she frustrates me ,but when she says one word mom everything i forget in this world. I CAN TELL U 200% KIDS CAN BE BAD BUT NOT MOMS IN THIS WORLD.i am sure when u have baby u will understand