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Womens Issues:please tell me why

2006-05-24

Name: hi dear friends,

i'm reading this inlaw problems and all. And i found out there r alot of good girls here. Who know what is LIFE. How to make a good famly. i'm really happy to know that, because sometimes we can't tell averything even to our dear friend. such things will make our heart feel lke a volcano wating to errupt at slght disturbances. but after reading this meeage board . really soothing. really.
here i'm pouring my mind. i knlw there r some good friends who can understand all this. at last i found somewhere.

friends i want to know, why why our hubbies always always want to pamper their m0others? then we'll say everybody loves their mother. YES. we do. we, girls also love our parents and we r their sweet little girl . now also we love them and they love us.

But, but when we got married, we made a big space n our heat for our dear husband. together with him we started loving his family. whatever s precious to him, we also take it in our heart and left our MOST DEAREST PARENTS for them. to a new house new atmosphere everythiing. sometmes, we thought our life is our hubby. our world is only around him. ut, slowly we realised, things r not like this, we r always outsiders, MIL sweet talk to us in front of everybody but do things that'll make us feel like we want to die that instance. his family'll talk behind us. will tell bad things about us whenever they get a chancE. Because we seems so lovable and not taking their nasty comments seriously, they'll thnk we r DUMB.

BUT inspite of all these we remain calm and sometimes time can GOD CAN CHANGE THEM.

BUT dear freinds i want to know, WHY, our hubbies say, even the very nasty comment from their mother like\";she just talk without thinking. after saying only she'll think about it. so forget it\"; and if we seems moody or gloomy, he'll become angry.

don't know why friends.
why can't they think about us, why casn't they see our heart. why can't we love our parents as he is loving his parents?

why HIS parents r more superior that our PARENTS has to fear when mngling with them?

tell me friends.

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2006-05-25

Name: dias
Subject:

sorry hi.

sorry hi...me and Su were discussing our problems and not answering anything...but i know u r smart enough and could get answers through what we posted.all the best dear hi!stay cooool without thinking all these never ending problems...

2006-05-31

Name: su
Subject:

be positive

Dias, forget what your husband did in the past. Now he is changed. Though it is difficult for you to believe your husband's new found concern for your father, just be happy for this change. May be it is permanent. When we do some mistakes and later realize it, we will take resolution to change for good. I think our husbands alo are like that. Now that they realized their mistakes, they want to change themselves. They need our encouragement. We should forget the past and trust he is going to be loving hereafter. If you have this trust in him, it will be seen in your action, surely our husbands will notice this (my husband told me so). When he can realize your new respect for him, he will try to please you more.
My husband also says he longs for staying with his parents. Sometimes i also feel to spend time with my family. So just take it lightly. Don't think it beyond this point. Sometimes they make comments without thinking much. When our husbands show so much of love for their parents, think how much will they love us in future when they develop good understanding with us. It really happens. Really such emotional husbands are more loving to their wives. Our difficulties till date are soon going to change as our blessings. Take care.

2006-05-31

Name: su
Subject:

dear dias

Dias, i can completely understand your fear. It is the same depression which keeps me visiting this place again and again. I am looking for somebody to console me and i am looking through posts where i can find some clue to solve my problems.

In the early days of marriage i never had much fear. I used to talk what i felt. I never knew some of them could be misunderstood by my husband and in-laws. Due to the multitude of problems i faced in 2 years, now i am scared of everything. Whenever my husband or my sil misunderstood me, i would talk to them to explain matter. But before that talk i would have repeated my words atleast a thousand times in my mind. Whatever work i do on that day, this practice and the fear will be there in the background. I really felt sick.
Slowly my husband noticed my fear, now he feels very sorry for putting me in that situation. Even then, if the misunderstanding involved my family, i am feeling tensed which i can't avoid. Sometimes at the end of such a tensed day, when i tell the matter to him, he will be very pleasant in taking my views. I would curse myself why i feared so much for that. Yesterday also one such thing happened and i was restless till evening. Finally in the late evening, my plea was accepted well.

Within one year of our marriage, my clear mind changed into a tensed and timid one. After this 2 and a half years i could see some change with my husband. But it will take somemore time for my mind to get the reassurance of this positive change, to believe that the bitter past won't get repeated.

To maintain my integrity and to keep my mind calm and clear, the best solution i seek is prayer. I have alway been a pious person. Now i became more pious than ever. I want to report all my problems to Him and with the belief that He will solve it. At the end of the prayer i want to get a peaceful mind. Somedays it really helps me to concentrate on my job, someother days i am still agitated. Still we should try continuously to get the peace of mind. It is life, because there are many people out there with worse problems than ours. I think our life is like a sea wave and ups and downs come continously. Our mind is like a small leaf floating on the sea, which also goes up and down with the wave. We have to accept our depression as our limitation of being a human and try again to come up. Since we had bad times in the recent past, i am sure we will get good times very soon. My prayers for both of us. I am so glad that i could share my feelings with you, Dias.

2006-05-30

Name: dias
Subject:

also, su!

su, u said in ur previous post that "what he would have done if his sister's husband didn't allow his sister to talk to or meet my hubby. This lead into fights so many times. But i cannot keep quiet, i used to ask these questions and howmuchever he scolded me following tha...."

But I tried all those, he accept this is true but here case is different and ours is different(my SIL married to my MIL's nephew ...so they all r like same family.) ..my hubby and FIL buy all the stuff they need,and give great financial support and my hubby believes my SIL's hubby should be nice to them.And he is.
He directly says me to not to compare with that case.Also, like urs they too dont have good relations with any else in families..but my parents have decent relations wit everybody in circles..Even my hubbies knows that.But he thinks people we come across r good,and they come across r bad( I know fact that if we r being good,others will) .

But ok, let me leave it for time...god will solve ...But now I need to restore my love towards him.he is better husband than anyone in my frieds circles except he is mama's boy.I know he is efficient ,good father, good care taker of me...doesnt have bad habits....many good things...But despite all, he scolded my loving father and it broke my heart like anything..Recently he said my father he would help him out from present crisis ,he is suffering from (of course,my dad doesnt ask for his help ,) .But that made my dad happy that he offered help atleast...but these all r not changing my mind..Hubbys' words like he love parents most...etc...making me to loose love again and again...

2006-05-30

Name: dias
Subject:

thanks dear!

I know it, now a days I'm spending toomuch time on this posts and not concentrating on job...I'm somehow addicted to it to solve other problems...We r somuch better than some of our friends here.BTW,
I asked u to c here(this post) .This is only our regular meet post! :) !I didnt expect u to see previous messages ,so told u so.Thanks dear! As u could guess, they r too smart ,they never tell anything against to him but makes my FIL to say that to him. thsy my hubby doesnt like my FIL, But i know who's behind him...they r really loving to my hubby.I accept it. But that shdn't make them to secure him forever while breaking his heart on everbody else right?! but that is my problem.they do that!

But c dear! my hubby sday said me that he wants to go his hometown and he can find peace only with parents.However jolly we r here....he craves their presence?so, what's the meaning of famil here? I'm feeling low now a days that I'm none for him.Somehow I'm unable to love him dear! i dont know but ;ast year my heart broke and unable to restore thta love with him...ofcourse everything is fine in between us...we r being romantic and he is always cheerful...but something is there in my mind that is avaoiding me to love him completely like previous...

2006-05-30

Name: su
Subject:

hmmmmmm

Hi Dias, i really feel your in-laws are smarter than my mil and sil. Only time should help you! I can see from your posts that you are a strong person and you can find way to sail through this situation. Good luck to you.

2006-05-30

Name: dias
Subject:

no su, I tried all of them...

Su ,Again,I think it's me who typed all these by ur name! yes, dear! I too behave same.But his mom is STRONG enough to fill his ears with bad stuuff 'bout my parents. all the year long, I tell good and he too seems to be liking them...but WITHIN A MONTH,she is that worth can spoil anything! yes, dear...! Exactly I maintain relations how u r telling now...I was doing from years to be fai..but vexed up...now sometimes raising q's for y they r like this and bearing answers like change ur mind first stop thinking in negative view for everything they do..Then I say..I beg u to not to view me so..."It's noit me who thinks negative...but it's u who makes things negative....So and so...it goes on...

2006-05-27

Name: su
Subject:

you need to change him

This is really bad dias. This is a tricky situation and we need to try all possible ways. In my case i used to tell the good stuff about my family, i just wanted to give him hope that my hubby can trust them. (I used to praise his family also, because i didn't want to give him the impression that i am separating him from his family). My family people advised me that i should never talk about them to him, otherwise he will think i am too attached to them. He also felt like that in the beginning, but later he showed changes.
In his family they don't have many relations. They broke up with many relatives just because they found them not trustworthy. It is a real challenge to change such people.

He used to talk to his mother in india and his siter for hours. Then i asked him what he would have done if his sister's husband didn't allow his sister to talk to or meet my hubby. This lead into fights so many times. But i cannot keep quiet, i used to ask these questions and howmuchever he scolded me following that, i used to keep quiet. My intention is he should realize this partiality. His mother and sister also support him, cunning people! They don't want me to move with my family, but they want all the helps from my family.
Even now my husband talks to my family only once in a year or so. But he didn't stop me from calling them. My mil and sil are complaining about my family too frequently to him, that it spoilt their plan. Now my husband stopped reacting to their comments. I cannot take this for settlement of this problem forever. They haven't stopped complaining to my husband till now. Someday my husband can fight with me again. I won't stop telling good things about my family till then.

Also i never complained about my mil or sil directly. I will quote some of my distant relatives where the mil did the same bad thing (like my situation) to her dil, sometimes i also make some stories. I always told my husband he should change, if he changed i won't mind adjusting with anyone else. Whenever my mil or sil complained about my family, i tell my husband that they misunderstood my family and i can explain things to them.
I sincerely hope we should raise our honest questions and wait. Cunningness will break on its own. At that time we can achieve our dreams. You need to be persistent, courageous and patient. We also need good time. Howmuch ever we try things don't change, all of a sudden we can see drastic changes. May be our stars are working for us.
Don't lose hope dias. Believe strongly in fulfilling your wishes and pray to God. Try for it continuously.

2006-05-26

Name: dias
Subject:

no hopes ,dear.

his relation to my parents gets worst if we stay there because , he doesnt like them to call me frequently.Then how come he like them to come and visit me.He is not at all giving a try to understand them.He is so practical that he can break any relation so easily without thinking twice...

2006-05-26

#10

Name: su
Subject:

you are right!

Hi dias, you are right. Still some people haven't stopped their behavior of complaining. Since it continues, bitter thoughts and fear fill up our mind continuously. Though our husbands love us now, it will take some more time to trust our family and treat them well. Earlier it was difficult for them to trust us, but it has happened now. Its because they are living with us everyday. Similarly they should get chance to interact with our family. Since they are staying far away, it will just take some more time for our husbands to trust them. We have to be patient till then.

2006-05-25

#11

Name: dias
Subject:

yes su.

yes, thats correct . but know what, now we r leading happylife in our circles.But thing is we r mentally somehow disturbed and we are alike and always think of those bitter experiences we had... I had only one of that abusive kind .That too if it was me he scolded, I'd have forgiven him but he abused my parents listening to mom's illogical complaints.Even now he doesnt accept he was wrong. He still has the same negative feelings on them which were just imagined by mil.How can her imaginations lead him , and how cant he hear me if i tell, whats truth happened there?!?That hurts me Badd dear.
Not this or that...wheever I remember them ...I remember only their cunningcomplais which broke his heart toward s my parents...
He is good to me now... but once we reach Ind ,I'll become hopeless. I know it well.Prepared for it too!

2006-05-25

#12

Name: su
Subject:

Sorry hi

Sorry hi, i didn't mean to divert the attention to this topic. All i wanted to say is i am also in the same position like you. Really changing husband's behavior is not with us entirely. We can try our best and when time also helps things can work in our favor. Till then we must learn to ignore depressive thoughts and lead a good life.

Hi dias, your post emotionally touched me. Sad that we all share common bitter experiences :( Don't blame yourself for forcing God, its fate! Try to ignore husband's bad behavior to you and try to remember what good he did. I know how hard it is. But remember when we got married we had so many dreams! When evil females can lead a good life with their husbands, why we good girls should get separated from our husbands. Let us try to win our husband's love, that is the important challenge to us! Good luck dear.

2006-05-24

#13

Name: dias
Subject:

poor SU,

hey dear su,I pity of u to think u'll be careful in choosing for ur son/daughter...it's not that our parents were not keen dear! It just depends on our fate.Of course our stupid minds to be blamed because we r still craving for them to be ideal.

2006-05-25

#14

Name: dias
Subject:

oh Su!SAAMEEE HEREEE

y r u this similar in everything to me?! I felt I'm only the one who is going thru partially every problem posted here,But after reading ur all posts and latest reply to another depressed wife...I couldnt resist myself from appreciating ur patience in still loving ur hubby !

Because I had similar problems and somehow I dont have that love for him now...as I used to have before baby.I dont know 'bout hisfeelings at me...but I sometimes repent myself to mary him by forcing gods!(Yes,firsttime things didnt workout and he came to USA without marriage.But in that year I asked god manytimes y he cursed me so? and I asked god to make our marriage settled.I scolded god many times for missing this match...But now I repent for all that I did to god.After all, It seemed,god loved me soomuch and wanted to bless me with a better family..But myself forced god for experiencing bitter life too!

So, really, I am not loving my hubby that much dear! Idont even hate him...But I'm praying god now to change his attitude towards me though his actions r nice and sweet at present.

2006-05-25

#15

Name: su
Subject:

may be it is true!

Hi dias, may be what you are telling is right, may be we can never escape from our fate. In my case before my marriage (after my engagement) my mil started giving some problems. We overlooked that because my husband appeared to be a very nice person and also that our engagement was over!

2006-05-24

#16

Name: su
Subject:

sailing in the same boat

Hi hi, i am also wondering about the same thing. Why some people don't like to live in peace and let others to lead their lives in peace? How come they bring in problems week after week? Before my marriage I thought i found the correct person, ofcourse my husband is a nice guy. I failed to notice the character of my in-laws. I am paying the price now.

Initially they found fault with each of my actions that my husband felt he married the worst girl in the world. Even if i spoke nice words he was made to think they had hidden meanings in them against his family. Initially my mind was like a clear board, i had nothing against his family. Their own imaginations and complaints against me brought the wrong ideas about his family. So strange is it not? How they can provoke an innocent person to think bad about them!!

Slowly my husband is realizing, but i cannot expect anything more. If i want to keep myself happy then i should find ways to divert my concentration, find a job, find some good friends, etc. Till my baby grows into a teen, when it can understand what is going on and support its mother, i have to learn to ignore all their comments.
We have one advantage, we are living faraway from our in-laws, meeting them directly can happen once in an year or so. It is better than living in a joint family with these kind of people. On the other hand we are also living faraway from our own family, parents and siblings. Chances of meeting our family members, or talking to them is made less frequent and we have to accept this.

One thing is for sure, in future when i seek alliance for my son or my daughter, i will be very careful in judging the nature of everyone in the bride/groom's side including in-laws and siblings.
Next to health and wealth, having good relatives is very much essential for a happy life.

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